Sneaky family behaviour? Or normal?

[JustLaura]

Any advice appreciated!

I am the middle child of 3 and the only Daughter.

Throughout my childhood, it was made known to me that my 2 male siblings were more important than me. Just a couple of examples: my Parents did not go to my parent evenings at school as it was "pointless" and "girls just have children". I was openly discussed in the 3rd person at family gatherings: "I don't think she will amount to anything" and "no-one will be bothered about her" etc ... I could go on. All this was in front of me.

Even when I attained a good job, I was constantly compared to my siblings and others, and told what they had more than me.

My elder Brother and Wife catastrophically fell out with my Parents years ago, then they moved away and have not spoken to any of the family since. It all stemmed from my Parents repeatedly asking leading questions to their children and prying into their relationship/financial situation.

My younger Brother is now 'the golden child' and can do no wrong in their eyes.

I am now the person that cares for them and takes them out. Youngest sibling will visit them once a week to eat a meal that my Mum has cooked for him and then he leaves. He does no household chores for them when he visits and tells my Mum that I need to do x, y, and z.
We are not in contact with each other and he recently has been saying to my parents that he's seen me or my car in different places, implying I'm not at work or I'm on leave and haven't told my Parents that I'm on leave. My sibling even constructed a situation where he said to my Mum I'd spoken negatively about him to a relative (I hadn't) and made out he was upset. My Mum then questioned me about it (I was oblivious) and she said if she found out I had lied to her that I would be cut off from them. (Again implying he is more important).

I now try to raise any issues as they happen but they continue to try to twist anything I say to the point where I can't speak openly as I know whatever I say will get distorted. It was even commented that there must be a 'lot of dirt to find out' as I was defensive.

I'm now being 'checked on' too - even at work I get a 5/6 phonecalls a day for no reason as well as calls when I'm not at their house.

Recently when I've been doing chores for them, I've overheard my Mum specifically asking my children probing questions or suddenly saying something to try and prompt them. Is this normal behaviour?

Mum either says I'm making her upset and feel ill or ignores me when I raise any points.

What do I do?

I'm increasingly drained by all of this and it's starting to consume me.

Thanks @yeesh

Actually when my brother had a Daughter, he was openly disappointed that it was a girl! My Parents even said it was such a shame as he wanted a boy! Unbelievable.

My brother has perfected a 'victim stance' to my Parents.

I had booked a weekend away last year and I'd prepped everything for my Parents beforehand. Then he accidently on purpose booked the same dates (I suspect he thought he may get asked to do something).

I still went away as I needed it but to be honest I had a phonecall every hour that weekend so it was worse than being at home.

On my return I was told we shouldn't be away at the same time as each other again as she hadn't been able to settle all weekend.

I said I'd booked it way in advance and he should be communicating. My Mum then said he needs to get away and I don't!

What do I do?

Tell them to fuck off and go NC? You are choosing to care for them. You don't have to do that. Pull back and be less available or you'll continue being the dogs body until all your healthy years have been used up.

Thanks @Lurkingandlearning

It actually struck me last year, that where I openly praise and show my children affection - I cannot remember my Mum kissing, hugging or telling me she loves me - even in childhood.

I do remember my Dad doing that on the odd occasion but he openly says he did not know how to speak to me as a child and it felt wrong to express love to me after about age 8.

I thought that was really odd.

This. You’ve been conditioned op, and you need to stop pandering to these undeserving people. Stop it now.

I said I'd booked it way in advance and he should be communicating. My Mum then said he needs to get away and I don't!

There are so many things you've said that I could comment on, but I just picked this one. At this point, I'd have said ' Do you know what, Mum? Fuck you. Just fuck right off. I'm sick of you sneering at me and belittling me. I owe you nothing. Get Goldenballs to do everything for you from now on because I won't be taking your phonecalls any longer. He's so wonderful - let him do it all. You're ungracious and unpleasant and never grateful. Whatever I do for you, you complain, so you might as well have something to complain about. Go and tell everyone you know that I've finally told you to Fuck Off and I won't be back. I could not give a shit. It will be worth it to be free of your nastiness. You were shit parents throughout my entire childhood and you still are.'

And then fucking mean it. Block them.

You know you are going to find that they've left any inheritence all to the Golden Child anyway. Block him as well. They bring nothing to your life except grief.

@JustLaura sorry but if your mother is capable enough to cook a meal for your younger sibling then she is capable enough to do her own chores!! I am with @glittercunt . with the best wishes of my dh, after coming home really upset again, I went No contact. after years of being made to feel I mattered less than siblings!!! a weight immediately just lifted from me. please also note my posting name!! 😃

All my life I have had to justify what I'm doing and where I am to them. It's just normal to me.

It's exactly that. I am not allowed a day off work. If I'm off work I'm expected to be there or doing/getting something for them.

It's only recently I realised I'm being controlled and that was because my wonderful Husband is seeing how they make me feel.

I basically try to 'shut down' and I'm wary what I say to them as it will get twisted and used against me.

The catalyst was hearing my Mum trying to gain information out of my children that made me open my eyes.

Drop the rope. Step back. Block them. Know this (and I am speaking as someone who has a narcissistic family member I went NC with years ago) - NOTHING you ever do (or don't do) will ever be enough. You need to protect yourself and your own family. Your parents are manipulating you. They always will. They will never be the parents you want them to be.

I second others who have suggested therapy. I used to have panic attacks whenever the phone rang, in case it was my family member. Therapy really helped me once I went NC. And the 10 years since have been bliss. I'm sure they have trashed me to hell and back to other people, but do you know something? They would have done that anyway, whether I stayed in touch or not.

Take care, OP. Stepping away isn't easy, but my God, you do feel TONS better when you do it. They will never change. Stepping away is hard but do it for yourself - it's the only way you will be free of all the drama 💐

But you are the fool here OP. I was that fool for years too.

A friend of mine had a complete mental breakdown and I could see that happening to me if I didn't place boundaries. I told my parents how it was affecting me, they tried guilt tripping me in all sorts of ways. If your parents don't like having cleaners it's their problem, not yours. Don't answer calls, if they complain, simply say you were busy every single time, no other explanation necessary. They have other children, again, it's their problem if they don't get any help from them.

My parents have more respect for me now and I have pretty much withdrawn all my help. The more they guilt tripped me the more I withdrew from them. If they didn't care about my mental health, why would I concern myself with their health.

You need to distance yourself OP it will be hard at first but your mental health will be so improved. Have you considered talking to a therapist at all?

@Sherrystrull I'm opting for the low contact. I still love them both but it's an emotional rollercoaster all the time. I won't have any contact with my Brother once they have passed on.

People have noticed a change in me.

I'm gradually going to decrease contact.

My biggest concern is that they will decline if I stop taking them out of the house as my Brother won't take them out.

I've tried various things such as suggesting easy places to go in a taxi and day clubs but they flatly refuse.

“So what if you feel ill Mum, let’s not pretend you’ve ever given a flying fuck how I feel, so the days when you get to pull that stunt on me are over. If you want my help, then you need to show a modicum of respect and gratitude?”

Literally why is it OK for you to be run ragged and they also expect you to put up with their shit?

Tell them you have hurt your back and can just about manageyour own home and they will need to get outside help.

Nothing you do will please them so just stop trying.

Who cleans their house is their problem, not yours and not your brothers.

My biggest concern is that they will decline if I stop taking them out of the house as my Brother won't take them out

That's not your problem OP. Start thinking of yourself for a change. Be firm and say no to them. You get aggro anyway. At least you'll feel less tired.

OP, print this post and read it 10 times a day. It's so spot on.

You will give them the fright of their lives and they deserve it.

Even if they backtrack and beg forgiveness DO NOT BACK DOWN or they will destroy you.

OP, there is a very simple solution, which comes in two parts:

1. Stop doing chores for your parents, and acting as their carer.
2. Get on with the rest of your life, without interference from anyone else. Sorted.

I’m going to suggest going cold turkey because gradually will be too hard to manage. I think big, movie-style, barbed wire, jail fences around your boundaries will be just the start you need.
Start speaking to them the way they speak to you.
To comments about you making your mother ill…

”Don’t be so ridiculous.”
“Stop.”
“Are you finished?”
“That’s enough of that.”

Literally cut it dead. If she continues,

”Right, put Dad on, then…” or “Call me back when you can speak sensibly.”

Do not engage.

Nobody is suggesting that YOU pay for their domestic help. They can do that themselves. You’re not their employee.

Also, think very carefully about how much information you give your family about your own home life. I think you need to look up “Grey Rock Technique”. This is about how to make your life seem as uninteresting as possible so that they don’t poke at you. Also consider doing the Freedom Program. I know it’s aimed at people in abusive romantic relationships, but fuck me, this whole family situation is extremely abusive. You will absolutely see patterns here that show where you are being manipulated and abused - that need to be broken and learn some techniques on how to head them off at the pass.

Time to figure out your bottom line. Tell them what you are feeling, give concrete examples of unacceptable behaviour, tell them that you will not stand for it and what you will do if it continues. Stop doing chores, cut down on the time you spend with them and decide going forward what is best for you and your life. You are not obligated to them in any way, and if people continue to be unkind, you have to right to take a step back from the relationship.

@howshouldibehave

I've lessened the cleaning by purchasing a lightweight hoover that my Mum can use.

I've lessened the cooking by purchasing a simple to use air fryer.

This was because I was going round early morning before work, at lunch time and then after work as well as getting numerous calls and texts.

This may be why the pressure on me has ramped up recently as they may think I did it before, I can do it again. I can't do it. I won't do it any more.

We have a full day out every weekend. Food shop in the week. Ad-hoc appointments.
Then up to 10 phonecalls a day and 10-20 texts a day.

Recently I'm getting calls in the evening that something is needed asap. Sausage rolls was the last thing I had to do a unplanned hour round trip for! This started more so in the last couple of months.
I have stopped this completely and said she needs to prep her weekly shopping list better.
This was mainly because I then found out the sausage rolls were for my Brother's lunch the next day.

I am trying to stop their influence on me but feel so guilty and like a bad daughter but then I get frustrated as my sibling gets better thought of (always has).

I do get an occasional "Thank you" but that's usually when my Husband is there. They seem to be better behaved when I'm with my Husband.

I'm also now getting "I might not be here tomorrow" comments...

What do you do?

Go No Contact with ALL of them and go have the life you deserve with people who truly care about you and want the best for you.

I'm sorry your family is so awful.

Thanks @HaveABlastOfThisMatrix

You're very brave.

I do feel as though it's a 'dammed if I do, dammed if I don't' situation all the time.

I suppose I choose the easy option of doing what they want as then I feel bad for myself and not bad for myself and them (if that makes sense!)

OP, please look up FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) and how this is used in abusive families.

Yes, if you change what you do, you will feel guilty. Because that is what you have been trained for. That will lessen over time if you stick to your guns.

This stood out I had to do a unplanned hour round trip for! - your dont HAVE to anything! It is ok not to answer your phone, or to say no. It might be helpful to remind yourself that you will never get it right for them, or be good enough, because they are focused on keeping you in this dynamic where you feel if only you do enough they will love you and treat you properly. This strategy does not work.

Your own family will be suffering if you are so drained and preoccupied with them. But even if they were fine, it is never ok to treat someone like this. And you are an adult who is allowed to say no.

The more you post the worse it is op. My heart goes out to you. I'm glad your husband is helping you to see that it's far from normal. An hour round trip for sausage rolls? Please keep posting. You've had some great advice and we can support you from afar.

@LivingDeadGirlUK not considered it before now. I will see how the next week goes.