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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sneaky family behaviour? Or normal?

378 replies

JustLaura · 09/08/2024 02:01

Any advice appreciated!

I am the middle child of 3 and the only Daughter.

Throughout my childhood, it was made known to me that my 2 male siblings were more important than me. Just a couple of examples: my Parents did not go to my parent evenings at school as it was "pointless" and "girls just have children". I was openly discussed in the 3rd person at family gatherings: "I don't think she will amount to anything" and "no-one will be bothered about her" etc ... I could go on. All this was in front of me.

Even when I attained a good job, I was constantly compared to my siblings and others, and told what they had more than me.

My elder Brother and Wife catastrophically fell out with my Parents years ago, then they moved away and have not spoken to any of the family since. It all stemmed from my Parents repeatedly asking leading questions to their children and prying into their relationship/financial situation.

My younger Brother is now 'the golden child' and can do no wrong in their eyes.

I am now the person that cares for them and takes them out. Youngest sibling will visit them once a week to eat a meal that my Mum has cooked for him and then he leaves. He does no household chores for them when he visits and tells my Mum that I need to do x, y, and z.
We are not in contact with each other and he recently has been saying to my parents that he's seen me or my car in different places, implying I'm not at work or I'm on leave and haven't told my Parents that I'm on leave. My sibling even constructed a situation where he said to my Mum I'd spoken negatively about him to a relative (I hadn't) and made out he was upset. My Mum then questioned me about it (I was oblivious) and she said if she found out I had lied to her that I would be cut off from them. (Again implying he is more important).

I now try to raise any issues as they happen but they continue to try to twist anything I say to the point where I can't speak openly as I know whatever I say will get distorted. It was even commented that there must be a 'lot of dirt to find out' as I was defensive.

I'm now being 'checked on' too - even at work I get a 5/6 phonecalls a day for no reason as well as calls when I'm not at their house.

Recently when I've been doing chores for them, I've overheard my Mum specifically asking my children probing questions or suddenly saying something to try and prompt them. Is this normal behaviour?

Mum either says I'm making her upset and feel ill or ignores me when I raise any points.

What do I do?

I'm increasingly drained by all of this and it's starting to consume me.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 09/08/2024 14:12

You are very concerned with being a good daughter. What impact does this have on your other roles - e.g as a wife, mother, employee, friend?

Original poster
JustLaura · 09/08/2024 14:27

howshouldibehave · 09/08/2024 14:04

I've only taken 1 phonecall so far today but I am getting text messages over the last hour but I'd already said I'd speak at 1pm so I'm sticking to that.

What happened at 1pm, @JustLaura ?

@howshouldibehave I purposely didn't answer the call at 1pm, then she text me so I did reply to say I was busy and I'd phone her shortly. Mum said she felt lonely. Asked if I was ill or children are ill!? I said no. She was obviously wondering what was going on but didn't directly ask. (I've noticed this previously - seems to like to make up dramatic scenarios if say 1 of the neighbours isn't home from work until 30 minutes after their usual home time).

I'm still having pangs of guilt. I keep trying to remember things that I've previously tried to forget to get me in the mode of 'treat them how they treat me'. Then I feel bad about that!

It's sad it has come to this but I have to prioritize my own family as I'm missing out of them by being there or doing errands for them.

I wonder if the fact I'm employed, married and have children went against everything they'd forecasted and made out about me.

I have such sad memories at lots of milestones.

OP posts:
howshouldibehave · 09/08/2024 14:30

purposely didn't answer the call at 1pm, then she text me so I did reply to say I was busy and I'd phone her shortly.

Right. Do you intend to phone her shortly?

Original poster
JustLaura · 09/08/2024 14:36

Mossstitch · 09/08/2024 13:59

Your post resonates so much with me, my parents also never went to my parents evenings but just to my brother's and I was made to finish school earlier than I wanted to basically be a skivvy. (I realise a lot of people won't understand this but it's almost like brainwashing, its learnt behaviour to be a good girl and people please to try to gain their affection.)

I spent most of my life running around after my mother whilst golden balls would visit once every couple of years with flowers and be praised up to the hilt! Please don't do what I did, I was nearly 60 before I cracked, my mother also wouldn't listen to me when I tried to have a serious, reasonable conversation she'd put her hand up, declare her nerves couldnt take it, frequently tell me her plans to end her life, so eventually I wrote her a perfectly polite letter outlining what I could do, eg take her shopping once weekly (not daily) and all the life admin. And what I couldn't do, be her personal therapist and constantly answering the phone or running around umpteen times a day as she was making me ill.

I have so many stories I could tell like yourself but it would go on for pages. One example, she got me out of bed one morning saying she couldn't get downstairs and needed milk to take tablets (she had a starlift despite being fully physically mobile in her 80s), I rushed round, gave her the milk she gave me a list of shopping. As I was already up decided to go and do it then, she wasn't expecting me back that early, when I returned half an hour later hoping to sneak the shopping into the kitchen and get on with my day, there she was downstairs. She constantly lied and manipulated people, not just me, to get the attention she craved.

Long story short one day she went beyond the pale with things she said to me and I stayed away, it wasn't planned but she was totally unfair in something she said about my adult kids which made me very angry, I was kind of waiting for her to apologise and I would have carried on looking after her if she had but her pride got in the way. She sent golden balls to berate me and make me sign papers taking me off her bank accounts which hardened my heart so I left them to it. I've had one interaction with my brother since on the phone where he got stroppy and I stood up for myself, said don't get arsey with me just cos you've had to do something for once when I've been doing it for 50 years and didn't berate you! He swore at me and put the phone down. Last I've heard from either of them! They went no contact with me and you know what...........its bliss😌

Thanks @Mossstitch your situation does echo mine.

So many bad memories. So many times that they caused a bad situation. It's as though they never 'had my back' at pivotal moments.

My entire family is predominantly male and unfortunately girls aren't regarded as highly as boys in it.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustLaura · 09/08/2024 14:40

howshouldibehave · 09/08/2024 14:30

purposely didn't answer the call at 1pm, then she text me so I did reply to say I was busy and I'd phone her shortly.

Right. Do you intend to phone her shortly?

@howshouldibehave Yes I've phoned. Though I was a bit stuck. I tried the 'dull as dishwater' stance so she'd get bored of not getting any info from me (I let her say what she wanted to say) but then she said you're obviously not busy as you'd have something to say? I just said I was busy but with nothing that would interest her.

What could I have said?

OP posts:
YourMommaWasASnowblower · 09/08/2024 14:43

I wonder if the fact I'm employed, married and have children went against everything they'd forecasted and made out about me

In your update this jumped out at me.
They have probably treated you the way they have to line you up for the role you are playing in their lives now. They probably didn’t want you to get married, have children and get a job so you could be available 24/7 for them in old age. They made you feel less than to try and sabotage you building a life. Your gut is telling you something there. They are probably extremely demanding now because you have your job and other commitments, they want you to feel overwhelmed so you feel like you need to give something up (probably your job given that is what they seem to dig at as not important) and in the FOG they have left you in assume that you would pick them over everything else. They want all of your spare time for themselves.

You need to show them that this isn’t the case and you won’t choose them over your other commitments. Spread yourself too thinly for them and you could end up having a breakdown.

Wishimaywishimight · 09/08/2024 14:44

Could you start making things up so that you need to finish the call? "X needs a lift, I have to go." "We were just heading out for a walk". "I have a bath running". "The dog is being sick". Anything at all to finish up a call. Make the calls briefer and briefer and tell them nothing important, just small talk.

CluelessAboutBiology · 09/08/2024 14:46

In future, let your lazy, waste of skin, poor excuse for a brother buy his own effing sausage rolls.

Wishimaywishimight · 09/08/2024 14:46

One thing I read many years ago has stuck with me;

"It's not selfish to life the life you want, it's selfish to expect others to live the life you want."

You are not the selfish one here, your parents are. You need to put yourself first, no one else will ever do that for you, certainly not your parents (sadly).

Original poster
JustLaura · 09/08/2024 14:47

Sparkletastic · 09/08/2024 14:12

You are very concerned with being a good daughter. What impact does this have on your other roles - e.g as a wife, mother, employee, friend?

@Sparkletastic It's a rollercoaster.
As it's getting worse and I'm missing out on my own family life is why I'm making changes.
It's a full-time job just answering calls and texts!
Work colleagues understand or say they do.
I have little time for friends and some don't get it as my Parents are older than theirs.

OP posts:
howshouldibehave · 09/08/2024 14:49

What could I have said?

I’m busy with work and have to go. If you want to go much lower contact/no contact, you need to start making your boundaries clear to her.

Original poster
JustLaura · 09/08/2024 14:50

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 09/08/2024 14:43

I wonder if the fact I'm employed, married and have children went against everything they'd forecasted and made out about me

In your update this jumped out at me.
They have probably treated you the way they have to line you up for the role you are playing in their lives now. They probably didn’t want you to get married, have children and get a job so you could be available 24/7 for them in old age. They made you feel less than to try and sabotage you building a life. Your gut is telling you something there. They are probably extremely demanding now because you have your job and other commitments, they want you to feel overwhelmed so you feel like you need to give something up (probably your job given that is what they seem to dig at as not important) and in the FOG they have left you in assume that you would pick them over everything else. They want all of your spare time for themselves.

You need to show them that this isn’t the case and you won’t choose them over your other commitments. Spread yourself too thinly for them and you could end up having a breakdown.

Spot on there @YourMommaWasASnowblower Thinking back I remember them saying "girls look after their parents when they're old".

OP posts:
Cas112 · 09/08/2024 14:51

Chores

Come on OP

I'd leave your parents to it and distance yourself

Original poster
JustLaura · 09/08/2024 14:52

CluelessAboutBiology · 09/08/2024 14:46

In future, let your lazy, waste of skin, poor excuse for a brother buy his own effing sausage rolls.

@CluelessAboutBiology If I'd have known they were for him, there's NO WAY I WOULD'VE GONE. Typical behaviour unfortunately.

OP posts:
betterangels · 09/08/2024 14:54

glittercunt · 09/08/2024 02:29

I wouldn't even slowly withdraw. I'd withdraw now. And I'd tell them why. You should not be in this position. Sounds like FOG. Leave it to the golden child. You deserve a life free of this.

Absolutely this. Parents reap what they sow. Or they should.

Original poster
JustLaura · 09/08/2024 14:54

Wishimaywishimight · 09/08/2024 14:46

One thing I read many years ago has stuck with me;

"It's not selfish to life the life you want, it's selfish to expect others to live the life you want."

You are not the selfish one here, your parents are. You need to put yourself first, no one else will ever do that for you, certainly not your parents (sadly).

I've written that out on a sticky note and put it on my phone. Thanks for all your help @Wishimaywishimight

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/08/2024 14:57

JustLaura · 09/08/2024 02:19

Thanks @Redglitter

They're elderly and not in the best of physical health so there's only me to do the chores. I do what I can but that's never good enough.

I've considered trying to distance myself but then I feel guilty even though I feel as though all 3 of them are trying to control me.

I asked them to text me and I'd phone them if need be. It worked for a day as they concocted an elaborate story as to why I was asking this.

I want to be a 'good' Daughter but feel like I've failed them and I know they'll be saying they were right I've amounted to nothing in their opinion.

Show quote history

You have not failed them, @JustLaura - they have failed you and frankly I agree with the posters who say you should go no contact with them. Yes, they will end up having to do their own chores, but that will be their fault, not yours.

You deserve so much better.

CamomileCream · 09/08/2024 14:58

You are not a bad daughter, they are bad parents.
You are not letting them down, they have let you down, for years

Original poster
JustLaura · 09/08/2024 15:03

Angrymum22 · 09/08/2024 10:59

My “toxic” MIL sold her house to my BIL who built a large extension onto it for his family. The sale was arranged a decade before the extension was built but they didn’t tell the other 3 brothers until they were about to start building.
MIL wanted to insure against being put in a care home. The rest of us agreed that since the golden child BIL has massively benefitted from the transaction ( bought for a fraction of the value and now worth 10-15 times that) then it’s his responsibility to carry out MIL wishes. We all go a visit but none of the DIL will be nursing her.
DH was the family scapegoat, even now he is treated differently. He had a stroke 2 years ago and she has visited him once ( we live 5 mins down the road) when his brother was ill earlier this year she rushed over when she heard how ill he was while he was chatting on the phone?? Then visited him in hospital and at home while he was recovering.
Even on DH birthday, a couple of weeks ago, she left a pathetic message on our answer machine about how she wasn’t driving anymore and couldn’t visit. She has a grandson living onsite who is unemployable but drives her everywhere. Even if she couldn’t visit on the day she could have got him to drop off a card.
I’m quite certain my BIL who lives with her is seeing her dark side now she hasn’t got access to her usually scapegoats. I doubt he feels so golden now.

By going low contact your brother may start to see some of the behaviour she deliberately hides from him. I would invent a dose of Covid that gradually spreads through the family. It wouldn’t stop you working but it wouldn’t be a good idea to visit elderly parents. You could extend it to a good month. See how they cope.

Thanks @Angrymum22 it's just crazy isn't it. Is this the way it goes for everyone?

I get so upset as one of my work colleagues meets her Brother for lunch, they socialise and it all seems idyllic. The only thing she mentioned was that they'd both been treated equally and the same rules applied to each of them growing up.

I said my family is the opposite. My Parents used to say they had to treat us all differently as we had different needs and personalities.

OP posts:
invisiblecat · 09/08/2024 15:04

I'm also now getting "I might not be here tomorrow" comments.

Perfect - next time she says it, reply with "Well unless you start being grateful for all the things I do for you, then I won't be coming round here tomorrow".

chicken2015 · 09/08/2024 15:04

I don't think going low contact will help and by not taking 20 calls a day u take 5! Because they will likely ramp up and make u feel guilty in to doing more then it's a vicious cycle. They are clearly not treating u fairly and its completely not normal. I would go no contact and I'm not surprised ur bother has. I speak to my parents sometimes once every 2 weeks! And see them maybe once every few months maybe longer.

Sunbird24 · 09/08/2024 15:15

@JustLaura I’m curious, did your mum do all this running round for her parents all her life?

Harvestfestivalknickers · 09/08/2024 15:16

You are constantly trying to be the good daughter and will always fail. No matter what you do it will never be enough. Next time you mother tells you that you have 'upset' her, instead of rushing to putting it right you need to acknowledge the fact. 'Perhaps it's best brother does X Mum, as I didn't have time to do it as you wanted and you ended up upset'.
If she gets upset because you aren't at her beck and call, acknowledge it but don't rush to put it right. 'Yes Mum I couldn't ring until 1 pm, I know you're upset, you need to ring brother if if was important'.
Acknowledge her upset but take a step back.
Put some boundaries in place. You've got to make it clear her expectations are unreasonable. She wants you to do X at X time? I won't be able to do that Mum, it'll have to wait. If she gets upset, don't apologise, tell her you just don't have time.
Stop trying to please everyone. Put your own family first.

Original poster
JustLaura · 09/08/2024 15:17

DPotter · 09/08/2024 11:41

This is so sad. You're chasing their love & affection and it's just not there. No point looking for reasons. It's cliché but worth saying for all that - you can't change how others behave, you can only change your own behaviour.

I agree with others who have suggested it would be worth having some counselling to talk through your childhood and how this is impacting your adult life.

Ignore your brothers - one has made his escape and good for him. The other is the golden child (I am glad you can see that) and good for him. You have been type cast as the skivvy and scapegoat in the family. You've had this forced upon you for so long, that part of you believes it. Not good for you. Time to look after yourself and your own family.

You have said a couple of times I think that they will cut you off if you step out of line or challenge them. Would that be so bad ? No one would be putting you down, using you as a servant or worse ? Wouldn't be monitoring your actions and activities ? If you think being the good daughter will somehow result in a heathy inheritance, I'm sorry to disabuse you, there's no way you'll be getting any money from this pair even if you lick the kitchen floor clean every week. I'm not saying supporting family should be on a transactional basis but it is perfectly reasonable to expect family members to treat you with respect and appreciation.

Step away from them with support from a counsellor - don't try to negotiate with them. They are unable to do that.

So stop taking those calls and when /if you do decide to answer a call / visit - first sign of being rude / chastising you - you put down the phone or leave. You don't have to explain why. You don't have to tell them you won't be answering calls, doing their cleaning, being their kicking block. Just fade away from their lives. Yes - you will need to mourn - for the parents you've never had. You could drop your older brother an email and put in the subject line - I've escaped too, with no message.

Sorry I've wittered on. Your eyes are open - believe what they see

Thanks @DPotter I am making changes from today onwards.

I did contact my elder Brother or try to. No response. I get it though. He's moved away and has a good life now. Who'd want to risk it happening again! I don't blame him. I believe we were all played off against each other. I left my contact info in case he ever wants to get in touch. Also he won't know any of what has happened for years since he removed himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustLaura · 09/08/2024 15:22

Sunbird24 · 09/08/2024 15:15

@JustLaura I’m curious, did your mum do all this running round for her parents all her life?

@Sunbird24 I don't remember a lot of them as they were elderly too but I know my Mum used to phone her Mum 3 times a week at a set time and we'd all visit them on a Sunday afternoon. Then when my Mum's Mum passed away, my Grandfather used to come to our house every week day and that was a bone of contention for my Mum.

OP posts: