Sneaky family behaviour? Or normal?

[JustLaura]

Any advice appreciated!

I am the middle child of 3 and the only Daughter.

Throughout my childhood, it was made known to me that my 2 male siblings were more important than me. Just a couple of examples: my Parents did not go to my parent evenings at school as it was "pointless" and "girls just have children". I was openly discussed in the 3rd person at family gatherings: "I don't think she will amount to anything" and "no-one will be bothered about her" etc ... I could go on. All this was in front of me.

Even when I attained a good job, I was constantly compared to my siblings and others, and told what they had more than me.

My elder Brother and Wife catastrophically fell out with my Parents years ago, then they moved away and have not spoken to any of the family since. It all stemmed from my Parents repeatedly asking leading questions to their children and prying into their relationship/financial situation.

My younger Brother is now 'the golden child' and can do no wrong in their eyes.

I am now the person that cares for them and takes them out. Youngest sibling will visit them once a week to eat a meal that my Mum has cooked for him and then he leaves. He does no household chores for them when he visits and tells my Mum that I need to do x, y, and z.
We are not in contact with each other and he recently has been saying to my parents that he's seen me or my car in different places, implying I'm not at work or I'm on leave and haven't told my Parents that I'm on leave. My sibling even constructed a situation where he said to my Mum I'd spoken negatively about him to a relative (I hadn't) and made out he was upset. My Mum then questioned me about it (I was oblivious) and she said if she found out I had lied to her that I would be cut off from them. (Again implying he is more important).

I now try to raise any issues as they happen but they continue to try to twist anything I say to the point where I can't speak openly as I know whatever I say will get distorted. It was even commented that there must be a 'lot of dirt to find out' as I was defensive.

I'm now being 'checked on' too - even at work I get a 5/6 phonecalls a day for no reason as well as calls when I'm not at their house.

Recently when I've been doing chores for them, I've overheard my Mum specifically asking my children probing questions or suddenly saying something to try and prompt them. Is this normal behaviour?

Mum either says I'm making her upset and feel ill or ignores me when I raise any points.

What do I do?

I'm increasingly drained by all of this and it's starting to consume me.

so there's only me to do the chores.

Why is there only you?

You are looking in the wrong place for love and acceptance. You will never find it with your parents. They will never love and cherish you in the way a daughter should be loved. You owe them nothing, they have no obligations on your life.Now they are questioning your children, this just isn't acceptable. You have to break this cycle. Your children are witnessing it, seeing you be undervalued and used.

There are a few things you could do. One option would be to cut them off completely, go nc change your phone number and go completely cold. Another option could be to explain how they have treated you over the years and explain that you won't be doing any care going forward and establishing boundaries that suit you. However, with narcissistic parents they will gaslight you and you'll feel even more guilty than you already do. Or you could just compartmentalise how they have treated you and put up with their shitty behaviour, sacrificing your time and sanity to help them.

Best of luck op.

It won’t be pleasant, but you could tell them that you’re tired of having your strings yanked by someone who doesn’t even speak to you, and won’t do his share.

If your mum can cook for him, she can cook for herself and your dad. A cleaner can do their housework.

Tell them that you’re very busy at work too, and your kids have extra curricular activities, so in future your visits will also be just once a week.

Prioritise yourself OP. They've taught you not to, but you can unlearn it.

Good luck with reducing the phone calls, you can do this!!

Only you can make the changes in your life that are needed. You only have one life - do you really want to spend it being a slave to people who treat you badly and think so little of you?

You are not the only person who can do their chores. Stop thinking they will fall apart without you. They have the option to a) ask your younger sibling for help or b) pay a cleaner/carers to help them. Either way, they are adults and you don't have any obligation to be at their beck and call.

I think you would benefit from some therapy - the childhood you describe is emotionally damaging. Working through this in therapy will help you stop trying to please your parents and gain their love and approval. Also, you say they have been questioning your children. You need to protect your children from their malign influence. Your parents have already damaged their own children - don't let them do the same to yours.

Fuck that. Let your brother earn his golden child status. Let your mum cut you off - who's going to do her chores then?

They're horrible and you're better off without them, although I know that must be painful to acknowledge.

That is still an awful lot of calls.

I’m from a toxic family too, my sister is their golden child. I’m NC with them.

Based purely on my own experience, I think that because you didn’t get their approval and were treated as ‘lesser’, you think if you jump through enough hoops for them one day they will wake up and realise they were wrong to treat you the way they have. But I can tell you now, that will never happen. When you are the scapegoat you can never jump through enough hoops for them and they will ALWAYS find a way to criticise you to prove you belong in the pigeon-hole they have chosen for you.

They all sound very manipulative and controlling. Even if you take days off from work for yourself and are ‘seen’, I don’t understand why as a grown woman they think you should be answerable to them. I also have a family member who behaved like this though. If I couldn’t do something at a specific time she would repeatedly drive up my street to check if my plans were what I told her they were. It bordered on stalking because she often “totally coincidently” would turn up to places that I had told her I was going.

You have recognised this behaviour as wrong and you really do need to take a huge step back now before it has any further effect on your mental health. You say you are worried you will miss an urgent call, but this is what they’ve trained you to feel. They have trained you to feel responsible for them, but trained your brothers that they are too important for that. Your brothers could easily miss the same urgent call, but I very much doubt they feel any guilt.

In this way toxic parents reap what they sow. I’m yet to meet a golden child who steps up for their parents, they always step back when the going gets tough. Golden children are trained to believe that they are the only ones that matter, they don’t even care about the parents who has put them on a pedestal because they were elevated above them too.

Good luck with reducing the calls. Stick to your guns. The worst that’s going to happen is they will complain about you, but they do that even when you are meeting their expectations. It’s no loss.

Let your mum cut you off - who's going to do her chores then?

This. I can’t imagine he is going to be golden boy for long then.

I wouldn’t answer any calls when I am at work and tell them that. ‘You don’t phone GC when he’s at work because you know he’s busy. I am at work and busy as well, so can’t answer the phone.’ And repeat.

But they sound awful, and will work you to the bone and still probably leave all their money to golden child saying you didn’t do enough for them. I would stop doing any chores and leave it all to him now.

You parents are so abusive that you can’t even see how bad their behaviour is. You don’t want your children to grow up thinking it is normal. They openly say women are worthless, don’t expose your children to that. If they need help then they should ask golden balls. Protect yourself and your children x

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your own children as they will think this toxic behaviour is ok when you are clearly being gaslighted and treated like a skivvy. You are a beautiful human that should be cherished and appreciated. Xxx

Absolutely this.

No it’s not normal behaviour in healthy family relationships.

Do you see how you might be perpetuating and internalising their cruel view of you as “less than“? That is in no way a criticism, it can happen to anyone after a lifetime of that treatment. But you are sort of going along with that view by accepting the role as being the only one who is tasked with helping them and allowing them to talk to you as if you are a child they mistrust and apparently don’t particularly like.

I think you should follow your elder brother’s lead and at the very least take a big step back. Let golden boy do the things you have been doing. Just tell them that is the way it will be going forward. I don’t see how that can make the situation any worse for you but I do think it will give you space to heal.

am now the person that cares for them and takes them out. Youngest sibling will visit them once a week to eat a meal that my Mum has cooked for him and then he leaves. He does no household chores for them when he visits and tells my Mum that I need to do x, y, and z.

You need to stop letting these people wipe their feet all over you-don’t do their chores and don’t care for/take them out.

So what if you have a day of leave from work? I don’t get this. Are they saying you should be spending any days off work round there doing their housework? If that’s the case-honestly, why would you spend any time with these people-they are treating you as unpaid staff.

Op this thread is really sad. You sound so lovely and they don't deserve you. I really think you should go to either low or no contact. Put yourself first as they won't.

OP do you think that being a "good daughter" they will actually treat you with the love and respect you deserve?
They won't so why even try?
Accept that this is who they are and this is the dynamic in your toxic family and then decide what you want your role to be. You can't change them or your brother but you can change what you do.
Only "good" parents deserve a "good " daughter

What’s the point of being Cinderella to people who don’t respect you and are not grateful for your presence? I think it’s shocking that you allow them access to your kids and they are used as ammunition to treat you poorly.

Your older brother has the right idea - you can’t force adults to change their behaviour so nc is sometimes the only way to keep a family away from the toxicity. You might not be ready to go NC yet but you should protect your kids (and h if you have one ) from them so that the cycle of abuse ends with you. Don’t let them use your kids and h as pawns in their games. You will never change their minds about you so there’s no point putting up with this bollocks. Help can be bought in.

Totally agree with what everyone else says - visit once a week/once a fortnight. If they say anything unkind call them out on it! And continue to do so.

If they call multiple times you can answer once and say you are very busy so you'll see them on whatever day and catch up then. Then ignore the calls!

Their behaviour is wrong but you need to stand up for yourself and stop allowing it.

My “toxic” MIL sold her house to my BIL who built a large extension onto it for his family. The sale was arranged a decade before the extension was built but they didn’t tell the other 3 brothers until they were about to start building.
MIL wanted to insure against being put in a care home. The rest of us agreed that since the golden child BIL has massively benefitted from the transaction ( bought for a fraction of the value and now worth 10-15 times that) then it’s his responsibility to carry out MIL wishes. We all go a visit but none of the DIL will be nursing her.
DH was the family scapegoat, even now he is treated differently. He had a stroke 2 years ago and she has visited him once ( we live 5 mins down the road) when his brother was ill earlier this year she rushed over when she heard how ill he was while he was chatting on the phone?? Then visited him in hospital and at home while he was recovering.
Even on DH birthday, a couple of weeks ago, she left a pathetic message on our answer machine about how she wasn’t driving anymore and couldn’t visit. She has a grandson living onsite who is unemployable but drives her everywhere. Even if she couldn’t visit on the day she could have got him to drop off a card.
I’m quite certain my BIL who lives with her is seeing her dark side now she hasn’t got access to her usually scapegoats. I doubt he feels so golden now.

By going low contact your brother may start to see some of the behaviour she deliberately hides from him. I would invent a dose of Covid that gradually spreads through the family. It wouldn’t stop you working but it wouldn’t be a good idea to visit elderly parents. You could extend it to a good month. See how they cope.

I'd be going low contact in your shoes, OP. This treatment of you is not on.

Thanks @Poetree

I raised the issue of a cleaner about 2 years ago (when their health and mobility was better than now). After much ado, and the catalyst was that I was going on holiday for a week so they knew no-one would do it, my Mum arranged for a cleaner as a trial. She then decided, she didn't clean well enough, didn't like a stranger being in the house and couldn't afford it. I raised it every now and again but it's a flat refusal.

I will update on today's events this evening.

@howshouldibehave my Brother (I don't even like to call him my Brother) says he doesn't have time to help other than visit for an hour a week yet I'm repeatedly told how proud they are of him and how well he's done in life.

I can't afford to pay for a cleaner for them.

OP, instead of answering the first call of the day, then the lunchtime call and the after work call, just switch your phone off and don’t answer any calls. If you were my friend I’d confiscate your phone so they couldn’t call you!

You need to go no contact and get some therapy. You owe these people nothing, sounds like they've treated you poorly your whole life. Just because they are elderly doesn't mean they can't figure it out-it is not your responsibility to care for them.

I've raised it about my 'Brother' helping more but I just get told he is too busy, he has an important job, he needs time to relax etc.

If I raise it, it makes them worse. My Mum and Brother seem to enjoy 'drama'. I then get a guilt trip from my Mum "I've felt so ill since you've upset me so much"..

I'm not in a financial position to pay a cleaner for them though.

Agree with this-that’s still far too many phone calls.

I would send a ‘mum, you have phoned me x times today. As I’ve said-I work and am busy. You don’t phone brother because he’s busy, please can you do the same with me. I think it’s now time you got a cleaner as I am unable to do this for you going forwards. Are you cooking dinner for brother on x day as usual-why don’t I come as well and we can discuss things. It sounds like both of us are too busy to clean our own houses and yours, so you need another plan.’

Do you have kids? A husband? Can he come with you.
What do they say about it all? You need to set your kids a good example about how not to be treated as a doormat.