Sneaky family behaviour? Or normal?

[JustLaura]

Any advice appreciated!

I am the middle child of 3 and the only Daughter.

Throughout my childhood, it was made known to me that my 2 male siblings were more important than me. Just a couple of examples: my Parents did not go to my parent evenings at school as it was "pointless" and "girls just have children". I was openly discussed in the 3rd person at family gatherings: "I don't think she will amount to anything" and "no-one will be bothered about her" etc ... I could go on. All this was in front of me.

Even when I attained a good job, I was constantly compared to my siblings and others, and told what they had more than me.

My elder Brother and Wife catastrophically fell out with my Parents years ago, then they moved away and have not spoken to any of the family since. It all stemmed from my Parents repeatedly asking leading questions to their children and prying into their relationship/financial situation.

My younger Brother is now 'the golden child' and can do no wrong in their eyes.

I am now the person that cares for them and takes them out. Youngest sibling will visit them once a week to eat a meal that my Mum has cooked for him and then he leaves. He does no household chores for them when he visits and tells my Mum that I need to do x, y, and z.
We are not in contact with each other and he recently has been saying to my parents that he's seen me or my car in different places, implying I'm not at work or I'm on leave and haven't told my Parents that I'm on leave. My sibling even constructed a situation where he said to my Mum I'd spoken negatively about him to a relative (I hadn't) and made out he was upset. My Mum then questioned me about it (I was oblivious) and she said if she found out I had lied to her that I would be cut off from them. (Again implying he is more important).

I now try to raise any issues as they happen but they continue to try to twist anything I say to the point where I can't speak openly as I know whatever I say will get distorted. It was even commented that there must be a 'lot of dirt to find out' as I was defensive.

I'm now being 'checked on' too - even at work I get a 5/6 phonecalls a day for no reason as well as calls when I'm not at their house.

Recently when I've been doing chores for them, I've overheard my Mum specifically asking my children probing questions or suddenly saying something to try and prompt them. Is this normal behaviour?

Mum either says I'm making her upset and feel ill or ignores me when I raise any points.

What do I do?

I'm increasingly drained by all of this and it's starting to consume me.

Nobody is suggesting you pay for a cleaner for them.

If they won’t pay, and can’t clean-they will have a filthy house. This is not your problem. Ignore the phone, ignore the guilt trips. Your brother can be busy and need time to relax-you use exactly the same words.

I've only taken 1 phonecall so far today but I am getting text messages over the last hour but I'd already said I'd speak at 1pm so I'm sticking to that.

I imagine I will be berated at the next phonecall though.

imagine I will be berated at the next phonecall though.

Honestly, I would tell them not to speak to me like that and hang up if they ‘berate’ you. Tell them you aren’t their staff and won’t be cleaning for them any more

There isn't only you to do the chores, they have a son who could do them or they could get a cleaner or carer, your mum has proved she's more than capable of cooking a meal. . You don't HAVE to do anything for them. Tbh I'd let them cut you off and sip off into the sunset and leave them to be someone else's problem

@JustLaura
there's no need for you to pay for a cleaner. They or your golden successful brother can pay for it.
As PP have suggested. Please seek therapy to help you stand up to or distance yourself from these awful people who are treating you so horribly. You sound so kind and caring yet they trample all over you, find fault and belittle you. You're worth so much more. Please find your anger and use it to distance yourself.

When this all started and I had limited contact with my sibling, he has always said he will not do cleaning (he has a paid cleaner himself!). He said I had 'time' to do it myself as at that point I worked part-time. He even refuses to take a bin bag outside!

They can’t make you clean for them. You are not a slave.

Just phone them at 1pm and say you can’t do their chores any more-you have had enough. You are too busy (use whatever words your brother uses) and don’t go round there. Nobody can force you. If your brother phones/texts-use the same words with him. If they are rude or unpleasant, hang up. If they send horrible texts, block them. If they tell family members or friends, explain the situation and then ignore them too if they continue.

You have choices-make a good one.

He said I had 'time' to do it myself as at that point I worked part-time.

They can all say whatever they want. You don’t have to do it. ‘I am too busy, just like brother is. You need to get a cleaner’

You are taking baby steps. But you need to accelerate fast.

What exactly have they ever given to you? Doesn't sound like much.
The odds are that any inheritance will go to GB even if you've impoverished yourself for them.

Start by prioritising yourself and your children.
Ideally get out of dodge all together.

And don't give excuses just say "No".
They can get a cleaner or go to social care or whatever.

What you are feeling is FOG, fear obligation and guilt. They have raised you for this - the fact you escaped a little with your own job and family is your great strength and their great weakness.

Thanks @NarnianQueen

I think this is what my 'Brother' wants to happen.

He deflects everything on me.

Nothing would give him greater pleasure than me being out of the picture. He loves drama and being viewed as a 'saviour'.

He won't bother about them or care for them. He'd end up sorting out there finances to his benefit and sticking them in homes and making sure that no-one else benefits.

I can hardly believe that we're born from the same parents as we are so polar opposite.

Let him. They will either be happy with this or see him for what he is.

His inheritance will be eaten up in care fees pretty quick though!

How often do you go round there or take them out now? What chores are you doing for them on an average week? Do they ever say thank you?

He won't bother about them or care for them. He'd end up sorting out there finances to his benefit and sticking them in homes and making sure that no-one else benefits.

But he will probably do this whether you are their slave or not.
And at least he'll have to get off his backside and find a home etc.

Concentrate on yourself and your family.

These people will treat you as badly as you allow them to. It's up to you what you allow. You are not obliged to have any contact with any of them if you don't want to.

Mum either says I'm making her upset and feel ill or ignores me when I raise any points.

I would stop going round there. Ignore her back. She can’t make you clean.

He does not get to decide what you do with your time. Unless you allow him to, obviously.

Thanks @howshouldibehave

Believe me nothing will tarnish his image in the eyes of my Parents.

I can't believe it's come to this.

The more I raise issues, the more it backfires on me and then I get phonecalls from my Mum crying that she needs something or something doing now.

It's difficult to do the right thing for them and for me not to feel like a fool.

I'd stop trying to do the right thing for them and start trying to do the right thing for you.

Exactly. What sort of things does she say?

Mother: Brother thinks you should do xyz in the house/garden.

You: I can’t, I’m busy. He should do them himself if he’s decided they need to be done.

Mother: but he works full time, is too busy and needs to relax.

You: I work full time, am too busy and need to relax. What’s the difference?

But @JustLaura if your brother is the only one in contact with them then they will have deserved however he treats them. That is between them, nothing to do with you.

please put yourself first, read about FOG, go on the stately homes thread. Write a list of what you will do and do no more. Maybe give them the list.

the thing with ‘dirt’ on you. To us that sounded unhinged. This is not normal. They are not normal. Plus all yhe ‘she’s not worth anything’ that was emotional abuse. You are a survivor of emotional abuse. Look after YOU

Sounds like they’re reaping what they sowed really. I certainly wouldn’t be doing any caring for someone who has been so uncaring to me.

This is so sad. You're chasing their love & affection and it's just not there. No point looking for reasons. It's cliché but worth saying for all that - you can't change how others behave, you can only change your own behaviour.

I agree with others who have suggested it would be worth having some counselling to talk through your childhood and how this is impacting your adult life.

Ignore your brothers - one has made his escape and good for him. The other is the golden child (I am glad you can see that) and good for him. You have been type cast as the skivvy and scapegoat in the family. You've had this forced upon you for so long, that part of you believes it. Not good for you. Time to look after yourself and your own family.

You have said a couple of times I think that they will cut you off if you step out of line or challenge them. Would that be so bad ? No one would be putting you down, using you as a servant or worse ? Wouldn't be monitoring your actions and activities ? If you think being the good daughter will somehow result in a heathy inheritance, I'm sorry to disabuse you, there's no way you'll be getting any money from this pair even if you lick the kitchen floor clean every week. I'm not saying supporting family should be on a transactional basis but it is perfectly reasonable to expect family members to treat you with respect and appreciation.

Step away from them with support from a counsellor - don't try to negotiate with them. They are unable to do that.

So stop taking those calls and when /if you do decide to answer a call / visit - first sign of being rude / chastising you - you put down the phone or leave. You don't have to explain why. You don't have to tell them you won't be answering calls, doing their cleaning, being their kicking block. Just fade away from their lives. Yes - you will need to mourn - for the parents you've never had. You could drop your older brother an email and put in the subject line - I've escaped too, with no message.

Sorry I've wittered on. Your eyes are open - believe what they see

I think the questions you need to ask yourself are why do you keep going back for more with them? Why are you letting them consume your life? What are you getting out of the situation?

Your answer to your mum crying she needs things should be ‘ask my brother to do it.’
If she says he’s busy, you say ‘yes, I am too’.
That’s the end of it.

You are the one trapping yourself in this situation, you are allowing them to treat you like their puppet doing exactly as they want. But, what about you? You have the power to reclaim your life back.

Hi OP
you need to let go of wanting their love, appreciation and being seen
they are adults, If the need house cleaned they can make arrangements
its not your job
no matter whet you do will be never good enough why exhaust yourself trying?

F*ck what golden child thinks and does, there is no better revenge than living your life happily without caring what they say or think

Personally I would go no contact, but perhaps you are not ready?
Think of an excuse why you cant talk, visit, and slowly distance yourself
say you cant clean because you are sick and you don't want to pass it on

You can block their number or set do not disturb option, I have my phone on schedule where no one but my children can reach me at certain times

Stop trying-you know you will never do enough. You’ll work yourself into an early grave and they will still notch about you and leave all their money to him.

What sort of example are you setting to your kids?!

You are going to have to end up blocking her and not responding to guilt trips.

Is your husband on your side-I’d get him to answer her once if she rings and tell her they treat you appallingly and they need to stop,

Op I have never been in this situation (I am no contact with my parents) but I think you have made a great start. I would treat them how you would treat a toddler that keeps asking for something. If a toddler wanted a snack you wouldn’t give one every time they asked, even if they cried and threw themselves on the floor. That’s ok with a toddler who doesn’t yet have control over their emotions and you would probably ignore them and give them a snack when you feel it’s appropriate or maybe not at all. Eventually the toddler would grow a little and learn that tantrum doesn’t lead to a snack. So just consider this approach with your parents. They are adults and have had decades to learn social skills. You’re not responsible for their hideous behaviour but you can be firm and ignore them. Perhaps develop phrases you repeat again and again ‘my job is busy, I do not have time to talk to you’ etc. Good luck.

Beyond mental.
Block calls, stop helping out.
Are they financially well off to pay their way to be taken care of.
What a twisted load of bs.