Sneaky family behaviour? Or normal?

[JustLaura]

Any advice appreciated!

I am the middle child of 3 and the only Daughter.

Throughout my childhood, it was made known to me that my 2 male siblings were more important than me. Just a couple of examples: my Parents did not go to my parent evenings at school as it was "pointless" and "girls just have children". I was openly discussed in the 3rd person at family gatherings: "I don't think she will amount to anything" and "no-one will be bothered about her" etc ... I could go on. All this was in front of me.

Even when I attained a good job, I was constantly compared to my siblings and others, and told what they had more than me.

My elder Brother and Wife catastrophically fell out with my Parents years ago, then they moved away and have not spoken to any of the family since. It all stemmed from my Parents repeatedly asking leading questions to their children and prying into their relationship/financial situation.

My younger Brother is now 'the golden child' and can do no wrong in their eyes.

I am now the person that cares for them and takes them out. Youngest sibling will visit them once a week to eat a meal that my Mum has cooked for him and then he leaves. He does no household chores for them when he visits and tells my Mum that I need to do x, y, and z.
We are not in contact with each other and he recently has been saying to my parents that he's seen me or my car in different places, implying I'm not at work or I'm on leave and haven't told my Parents that I'm on leave. My sibling even constructed a situation where he said to my Mum I'd spoken negatively about him to a relative (I hadn't) and made out he was upset. My Mum then questioned me about it (I was oblivious) and she said if she found out I had lied to her that I would be cut off from them. (Again implying he is more important).

I now try to raise any issues as they happen but they continue to try to twist anything I say to the point where I can't speak openly as I know whatever I say will get distorted. It was even commented that there must be a 'lot of dirt to find out' as I was defensive.

I'm now being 'checked on' too - even at work I get a 5/6 phonecalls a day for no reason as well as calls when I'm not at their house.

Recently when I've been doing chores for them, I've overheard my Mum specifically asking my children probing questions or suddenly saying something to try and prompt them. Is this normal behaviour?

Mum either says I'm making her upset and feel ill or ignores me when I raise any points.

What do I do?

I'm increasingly drained by all of this and it's starting to consume me.

Thanks again @Tiredofallthis101

Just read your post to my friend and I've just printed it out to stick at the front of my diary.

I am being very dramatic, but I think you need to say the priority comment to yourself, too @JustLaura…. then imagine your kids and DH saying that at your funeral when your horrible parents have worked you into an early grave.
I also think you need to start saying
”Well, I’ve done all I can here…”
”That’s all I’ve got time for today…”
”That’s me done for today…”
”Back to my own life now…”
”I’ve gone above and beyond…”
“No, I’m not doing that…”

also,
”Not today, Satan”.

OP, have you given any thought to how your children will view their childhood and lives?
Knowing their mother prioritised her mean, unkind, unloving parents ahead of them.
Have you thought of their narrative about you?
If you think they will admire, model, or wish to emulate you, you are very wrong.

I think you would be very surprised at how harshly they might judge you and how deeply unconnected they may feel towards you, because of your choices.

You are so consumed by your parents and their view of you, when in reality you really should give a bit more thought to your children and the view of you they have.

Your ego's need to be a good daughter to parents who couldn't give a monkey about you, who will likely leave their money to golden boy, will not be viewed kindly by your children.

Far more likely it will be viewed with sadness, regret and disconnection with you, for allowing yourself to be run ragged by parents who made a fool of you.

As an older woman I have seen this in real life.
I mean the above, not to be harsh but to give you food for thought.
Your parents are only getting older.
You are only positioning yourself more and more as carer.
Less and less time with your children as they grow.
There are only so many hours in the day, and the years fly.

You are getting wise counsel on MN, think about your own legacy.
Your parents legacy is clear, they never gave a damn about you.
Focus on your own legacy before you are a victim of your ego and need to be seen as a "good daughter".

Got to say I agree completely with @Purplecrush.

If you are not careful your children will certainly become resentful of you as you choose to centre all activities and free time around your parents and dancing to their tune and demands AND you are treated like garbage for doing it.

As parents it's our responsibility to model good and healthy behaviour and relationships. You are having your strings controlled by your selfish awful parents and it's inevitable that your children will be partially paying the price for this. You could well find that they distance themselves from you completely as adults like your brother has done to you and your parents.

Please prioritize therapy for yourself. Preferably on a weekend so you have less time to cater to these awful people!

OP you sound like a lovely, kind person. Can I add my own experience that might help you to move forward in a helpful way and not end up with big regrets in years to come..

As a child I grew up with my mum prioritising her mum over us (I have a younger DSis) because her mum was so demanding and she felt constant guilt. It wasn’t too much of an issue when I was very young but after my Grandad died and Grandma was on her own it really ramped up. Grandma basically got whatever she wanted by passive aggressive guilting of my mum (mum was an only child) and manipulative behaviour. Mum was made to feel like any decent daughter would do x,y,z - a long phone call every morning which may or may not result in her having to visit, depending on the reception she got, taking her out several times a week, jobs done or organised and after my dad died, she came to stay most weekends. She had to be looked after every bank holiday and feted and treated at other times. My Dsis and I became very upset and resentful in the end and it definitely damaged the relationship with our mum at least in the medium term. We just knew that if came to a direct choice between us, Grandma would always get her way. As a child/teenager it makes you feel
absolutely rubbish - if your own mum won’t put you first who will? My DSis and I are very close and were that support for each other but I was very determined that my own children would always know that they were my Number 1 priority.

Its taken a long time to feel ok about it but my DSis and I made the decision not to let it cause a permanent rift and to be gracious to Mum, knowing that she felt trapped in the situation. Mum has never put that kind of pressure on us (in fact she was doubly determined not to because of her own experience) which has really helped but things could still have been very different.

What I’m trying to say is that however compliant your children are in this situation, it will be affecting them. It is very reasonable to prioritise your husband and children. My mum was guilted into feeling that this wasn’t reasonable and it had long term repercussions. What your parents are expecting of you isn’t reasonable. I would start by changing the narrative with your parents (in earshot of your husband and kids would be good!) to remind them that your immediate family is your number 1 priority and you are prepared to do x, y, z but you can’t to a, b,c because DC/DH need you to….What your brother does is up to him - you do what you and DH think is reasonable (and I would definitely make him part of the discussion) and the rest they either ‘buy in’ or DB does. You can’t cover all bases because you have other responsibilities and priorities so how everything else is covered will be down to them. You HAVE to keep reminding yourself that this is reasonable. Ask DH to help you to stay on track with it (he sounds lovely too!) and pour your caring efforts into your own family where it will be appreciated and reciprocated.

Keep going - you’ve made great progress, you just need to keep pushing forward with it now!

You need to be firm, they are abusing your kindness and making you feel guilty , whilst your brother is sticking knives in and controlling the show.
can you suggest a rota ( you have taken on more hours at work or have family commitments ) and can only do such and such a time on a certain day ? Please don’t make yourself ill when your brother clearly dosent give 2 shots ! If you are unable to do it and he won’t then they’ll have to find an alternative . Stick to your guns and put your own physical and mental health first . I’m sorry to say but you are not appreciated . I had the same with one of my sisters , isolated my mum and gained everything in the Will .It’s sad the lengths people go to for their own gain .

Frankly, you are wasting your life killing yourself for people who don't give a shit about you. Only what you can do for them. While they praise your do-nothing brother to the hilt.

I'd go completely NC with them. this is 100% on them. Not you. Them.

IF it was possible, I'd move away quietly and leave no contact details with anyone.

This is the best advice. Honestly the more I read the more I think you are never going to be able to achieve low contact. They're too much. Your brother is too much. You've been abused and are too used to it to stop.

You need to cut all ties and focus on your husband and children.

Thanks @CountryGirlInTheCity this is exactly it.
Spoke to my DH about it at length this evening.
We're going to book some long weekends away for starters and go from there. I am trying my best but this isn't 'natural' for me as I've always had to jump to their beat.

Thanks @Tenero2311

The rota was suggested by me 2+ years ago when I bumped into my Brother at my Parents. He flatly said he couldn't do anything for them (won't even empty a bin!) and he couldn't or wouldn't commit to seeing them on certain days or times as he has no free time..... We barely communicated back then but now it's no contact. I only hear things on the speaker phone when I'm at my Parents or from my Parents.

He's got a big birthday party organised in a couple of months. I've not been invited (I actually don't mind that!), but when he realised he needs a chaperone for my Mum and Dad to be able to go, he has supposedly said to my Mum that I can attend. No invite like everyone else. Just a second hand statement from my Mum.

I'm not going.
No-one has even directly asked me, it's just been decided that I'm taking my Parents to the party.
I won't be.
When it comes up I'll just say I'm already busy on that date and knew nothing about it as haven't been invited.

I am trying my best but this isn't 'natural' for me as I've always had to jump to their beat.

The last thing you need is more guilt so go easy on yourself. You’re doing great - making these changes is going to make a lot of difference and at the same time it will help you to break habits and expectations which should make it easier to do it more in the future.

DH sounds fab! You will never regret prioritising your marriage and children and they will be your supports and cheerleaders which will help you to stay strong and feel confident in your decisions. If you and DH present a united front to your parents it will be much harder for them to argue with too.

I’m hoping that things will look very different for you in six months time. Keep thinking ‘what would be best for our little family in this?’ And you won’t go far wrong.

Your brother is a piece of work… I’d be telling your parents that you have asked him to help you share the responsibility of helping them and he has flat out refused . He wants all the glory but is not prepared for any effort .. how cheeky to invite you to the party just so you can bring your parents … definitely be busy that day and most if not all other days , if you stop stepping up then he will have to pull his finger out or arrange help . You have done more than enough , let him take over . Xx

Good going! Stick to your guns!

@Tenero2311 Oh they know! He's excused from everything. Boys are the world in my family!!!

Well, that's another way of thinking you definitely don't want to pass on to your own DC. (Boys and girls. )

Stop asking. Stop justifying. Stop doing. Just tell them…
Boys are not the world. Just that one. The other brother doesn’t exist anymore.

Thinking of this thread as I went to a new GP yesterday with my son and he gave my son a very gentle lecture on how he must look after me when I'm old as all he ever sees are daughters taking their elderly parents to the doctor, so he likes to educate when he can. Yes we will be going back to him.

It's startling isn't it. I'm really happy that the GP said this. We need more of it.

Thanks for posting ♥️

@JustLaura so when are you going no contact with your awful parents and brother? you know it is the only way out of this situation. your parents do NOT love you and are just using you!! I went no contact with my mother after being treated like a second class citizen for years!! I know I would never match up to the golden child! Honestly it was the best thing I could have done and I really should have done it sooner! I knew I would be cut out the will but that was a small price to pay for my sanity and happiness!! be stronger than you are at the moment. you are being very weak!

Not very helpful at the end there, you are being very weak. If you want OP to engage with your no doubt well meaning advice no need to be rude. OP knows she could and should be taking a stronger stance and she's trying. @JustLaura I agree with the PP no contact probably ultimately is likely to be the best solution for you but you need to get to the place where it feels right to you. Not easy , it never will be, but the right choice on balance.

I came across this thread and have just read it all - I wondered how you are now, OP? Have things improved?

Your undoubtedly right and it will be no more than they deserve.

You need to stop. Stop doing, stop caring, grieve the parents you wish you'd had but limit contact with the ones you've actually got.

It's not actually for you or your brother to clean their house btw, it's for them to sort out a solution.

they would reply "He has an important job" or "he has other things to do after work". I used to reply "So do I" but they just pretend not to have heard me or talk over me to each other (we have exactly the same family make up as each other so we are on par with each other).
Just start confirming that it's good they agree.

'I'm busy too'... they stay silent... 'I'm glad you understand' and smile and get up and hi to the loo

'Yes we are all very busy with our work and children and households to run' ..... they stay silent .... it's good you agree and smile and get up to go to the loo

If they talk over you turn to your husband and say 'mum and dad can see we are really busy so we should be heading off now'

Basically state that it's great that they acknowledge how busy YOU are every time they say brother is busy. Not in a 'what about me' way but in a 'yes! You're right. I am super busy these days! Way. Just twist it

And 'I'm so sorry he puts everything ahead of you. I do my best to take up the slack but I do understand how disappointed in him you must be'

And if they argue just keep going 'uh huh. Yep. I do get it. Being low in his priory list must sting after all you've done for him. Mmmmhuh. Yep.'

To whatever they say even if it guest make sense. Just stick to your rhetoric wherever their ramblings go.

And then say 'well it's been lovely hut I have to get back to the dc now. Speak soon. Love you. Bye. And leave