Sneaky family behaviour? Or normal?

[JustLaura]

Any advice appreciated!

I am the middle child of 3 and the only Daughter.

Throughout my childhood, it was made known to me that my 2 male siblings were more important than me. Just a couple of examples: my Parents did not go to my parent evenings at school as it was "pointless" and "girls just have children". I was openly discussed in the 3rd person at family gatherings: "I don't think she will amount to anything" and "no-one will be bothered about her" etc ... I could go on. All this was in front of me.

Even when I attained a good job, I was constantly compared to my siblings and others, and told what they had more than me.

My elder Brother and Wife catastrophically fell out with my Parents years ago, then they moved away and have not spoken to any of the family since. It all stemmed from my Parents repeatedly asking leading questions to their children and prying into their relationship/financial situation.

My younger Brother is now 'the golden child' and can do no wrong in their eyes.

I am now the person that cares for them and takes them out. Youngest sibling will visit them once a week to eat a meal that my Mum has cooked for him and then he leaves. He does no household chores for them when he visits and tells my Mum that I need to do x, y, and z.
We are not in contact with each other and he recently has been saying to my parents that he's seen me or my car in different places, implying I'm not at work or I'm on leave and haven't told my Parents that I'm on leave. My sibling even constructed a situation where he said to my Mum I'd spoken negatively about him to a relative (I hadn't) and made out he was upset. My Mum then questioned me about it (I was oblivious) and she said if she found out I had lied to her that I would be cut off from them. (Again implying he is more important).

I now try to raise any issues as they happen but they continue to try to twist anything I say to the point where I can't speak openly as I know whatever I say will get distorted. It was even commented that there must be a 'lot of dirt to find out' as I was defensive.

I'm now being 'checked on' too - even at work I get a 5/6 phonecalls a day for no reason as well as calls when I'm not at their house.

Recently when I've been doing chores for them, I've overheard my Mum specifically asking my children probing questions or suddenly saying something to try and prompt them. Is this normal behaviour?

Mum either says I'm making her upset and feel ill or ignores me when I raise any points.

What do I do?

I'm increasingly drained by all of this and it's starting to consume me.

Sorry, but that is insane. I can’t imagine this situation! you can’t have any time for yourself/your own family.

I would get your husband to go round there tonight and say, ‘Right, this stops now-you are making X ill and I’m not standing for it.’ I had a family (female) member worked to the bone for elderly parents. When they both died, she had about a month before developing cancer and was dead within the year, leaving her two young sons motherless.

If you want to, say you’ll go for an hour on a Saturday morning, but that’s that. They can do an internet shop and get a cleaner.

You have got to put yourself first. Will your husband support you?

STOP! Nobody needs sausage rolls NOW. That’s fucking insane. They can call Uber delivery if they’re utterly desperate, or order a supermarket delivery. Instant gratification is for toddlers.

Stop competing with your wanker brother. You’re never going to win. Pull out of that competition entirely. You have a horrible brother and horrible parents. Why do you want to play with them? They don’t like you. They don’t respect you.

What is inevitable is that they will decline. That’s normal. Let golden balls deal with that. You are not a domestic servant or a nurse.

This is quality time being stolen from your children and your life - and you are letting this happen.

Also money - I just saw that you have been spending money on them to make YOUR life easier. It’s not working.
JUST STOP.

Thanks @Sherrystrull

JUST STOP.

This-you need to stop, for your own sanity and health. Tell them no more-you are working full time and being almost a full time carer. When do your kids get any of you? Do you want them to see you as a doormat? Don’t phone at 1pm, don’t go find there after work, don’t take them out for the day or for a food shop tomorrow and carefully compose something to tell them tonight.

JUST STOP

Very seriously OP, you have nothing at all to feel guilty about but sadly you have been brainwashed by your upbringing and your parents' appalling sexist, misognynist attitudes.
If you don't take action on this point you will be perpetuating this onto the next generation, your children.
If you have boys are you happy that they are bring taught that they are superior to girls in every way? And if you have girls, that they are the vastly inferior sex?
Perhaps think about their own futures in the light of your own experiences within your family.
Personally if I had parents like this I would not have them anywhere my kids, due to their attitudes and behaviour with my siblings and I.

Yes he's a massive support to me. So far so good today. I will update tonight.

You’ve had loads of great advice here and I hope you can make use of it.

One thing I did to lessen the stress of an overbearing person was buy a new cheap phone. I swapped the SIM cards and told everyone except the person that I had a new number.

I then only turned the new phone/old number on when I felt able to deal with their bullshit. It really helped.

Good luck OP. Don’t let them drive you to a breakdown, your own family needs you happy and healthy.

@JustLaura I’m sorry if I’m coming across as harsh but I did this shit for my ungrateful parents while my bastard golden balls brother did similar. (And yes, inherited the lot). I nursed them through their long illnesses, changing them, giving enemas and bathing them, and they did not mellow for even a second. I am still traumatised seven years later. I resent that I wasted time on them instead of enjoying my husband and kids. I have now got a life limiting disease and wish I hadn’t bothered. My biggest regret.

There's not "only you". You have siblings, and care and cleaning can be paid for.

You're doing it because you've been brainwashed by the earlier parts of your thread - that girls are good for child rearing and obviously by default doing all the chores.

I'm sorry the only thing you can do is step back. As others have said this may be hard.

I also did this and highly recommend it!

This isn’t normal. You need to look after yourself and decide what your boundaries are. Eg if they call at work you could ask if it’s an emergency and if now then say I’m busy just now but I’ll ring you tonight. And keep doing it until they get the message. I can’t tell you what the right boundaries are for you but the way you are feeling just now suggests they have already been crossed. I respect you love and want to look after your parents but you also need to look after your own emotional and physical wellbeing. As for your bro, I would suggest he focus on his own business.

Let them cut you off. They'd be doing you a favour!

Believe me, the guilt will lessen over time. Please take the advice of everyone on here, and read up on FOG too.

Thanks for the reply @Fraaahnces it's so odd isn't it? I seem to have got sucked into doing all this slowly. It's a difficult situation and more common than I thought. I appreciate your knowledge and I will take notice of it.

I want to be a 'good' Daughter but feel like I've failed them and I know they'll be saying they were right I've amounted to nothing in their opinion.

This may be harsh but you will never be good in their eyes. You're not anything like as good as your brothers. They don’t like you much. You’re the black sheep punchbag. You’ll never get the approval their abuse of you has made you desperate for. You’ll never be enough.

And with that in mind, it’s time to stop doing anything for these awful, awful people. They made their bed, let them fester in it.

I'd seriously consider quietly finding a new place to live and then doing the equivalent of a 'midnight move' without warning to your so-called family. Change your phone number, email, etc and go have the life you deserve.

your brother is doing nothing and yet is better thought of than you.

so this means that everything you do makes no difference to what they think of you.

they are never going to think as highly of you even if you give up everything to run around after them 24/7 being absolutely perfect for the rest of their lives.

so don't bother doing anything other than the minimum, and only when it's convenient for you.

they are never going to hate you or disown you.

there is a ceiling, but there's also a floor.

"My biggest concern is that they will decline"

Honestly, why do you care? These people aren't your parents. Parents love their children. These are just horrible people who you were forced to spend a childhood with.

Let them decline, let them reap the consequences of their actions over your entire life. Free yourself from these parasitic monsters and reclaim your life.

I fear if I miss an 'urgent' call and then one of them needs urgent help, I might not be able to forgive myself and again my younger siblings will relish this.

Read this and take on board just how ridiculous it sounds. So you might miss a call (ask yourself why it's YOU taking the calls), and they will blame YOU.
So, they don't take calls and don't help your parents. But you get the blame if something happens? They've trained you well.
Start by asserting some boundaries. You take calls on certain days, golden child takes calls on other days. Don't be fobbed off by 'he's too busy' SO ARE YOU.

You said earlier that if you withdraw your brother will probably put them in a home and scam their money from them. You said it as though that was a bad thing, and if they were good people maybe it would be, but actually it's probably what they deserve. Plus, they are very selfish and probably quite canny financially, it won't be all that easy even for the golden child to make them do anything they don't want to. You and your family are never getting anything from them anyway, it doesn't matter to you whether the golden child scams the money early or gets left it after they die. Don't get involved with anything to do with their finances because they and your brother will definitely accuse you of scamming them even if you are actually funnelling your money towards them.

They haven't been helpless in the past so if you just leave them to it they will manage. They will bitch about you to everyone they know, and those people might try to contact you to let you know that they are not coping without you, but it won't be true. They will cope, the people who contact you on their behalf don't really care whether your parents are coping or not just that they stop bitching to them.

Your post resonates so much with me, my parents also never went to my parents evenings but just to my brother's and I was made to finish school earlier than I wanted to basically be a skivvy. (I realise a lot of people won't understand this but it's almost like brainwashing, its learnt behaviour to be a good girl and people please to try to gain their affection.)

I spent most of my life running around after my mother whilst golden balls would visit once every couple of years with flowers and be praised up to the hilt! Please don't do what I did, I was nearly 60 before I cracked, my mother also wouldn't listen to me when I tried to have a serious, reasonable conversation she'd put her hand up, declare her nerves couldnt take it, frequently tell me her plans to end her life, so eventually I wrote her a perfectly polite letter outlining what I could do, eg take her shopping once weekly (not daily) and all the life admin. And what I couldn't do, be her personal therapist and constantly answering the phone or running around umpteen times a day as she was making me ill.

I have so many stories I could tell like yourself but it would go on for pages. One example, she got me out of bed one morning saying she couldn't get downstairs and needed milk to take tablets (she had a starlift despite being fully physically mobile in her 80s), I rushed round, gave her the milk she gave me a list of shopping. As I was already up decided to go and do it then, she wasn't expecting me back that early, when I returned half an hour later hoping to sneak the shopping into the kitchen and get on with my day, there she was downstairs. She constantly lied and manipulated people, not just me, to get the attention she craved.

Long story short one day she went beyond the pale with things she said to me and I stayed away, it wasn't planned but she was totally unfair in something she said about my adult kids which made me very angry, I was kind of waiting for her to apologise and I would have carried on looking after her if she had but her pride got in the way. She sent golden balls to berate me and make me sign papers taking me off her bank accounts which hardened my heart so I left them to it. I've had one interaction with my brother since on the phone where he got stroppy and I stood up for myself, said don't get arsey with me just cos you've had to do something for once when I've been doing it for 50 years and didn't berate you! He swore at me and put the phone down. Last I've heard from either of them! They went no contact with me and you know what...........its bliss😌

fear if I miss an 'urgent' call and then one of them needs urgent help, I might not be able to forgive myself and again my younger siblings will relish this.

Do you have more than one younger sibling?

Thanks @BlackAmericanoNoSugar I keep coming back to these are my Parents and the only ones I will ever have. Good times and bad times.

My Husband says I'm being played by them and it's getting worse.

I'm going to do gradually lessen my contact.

I've only taken 1 phonecall so far today but I am getting text messages over the last hour but I'd already said I'd speak at 1pm so I'm sticking to that.

What happened at 1pm, @JustLaura ?