Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

Unfortunately if he is a joint owner of the house one cannot legally change the locks.

@Gingerloaf So sorry this has happened to you.

Divorce is expensive and I just hope he won't be making you sell the house {another poster had her awful husband not only leave after 35 yrs, but he wants the house sold as well, and organised a bloody estate agent to visit.

Do not let that happen unless you want the house sold.

Keep going, you are doing fabulously

I think he definitely wants half the money from the house, OP says he was gleeful about it.

And I don’t think OP can afford to buy him
out.

@Gingerloaf you have so much on your side and he has lost so much. I don’t know how I’d feel in your position with the house you’ve worked so hard for and the pension, having to give some to him. I hope your lawyer can support with a clean break. He has lost so much more though. And it appears he’s beginning to realise and it’s showing in his anger. Like you said for a bit of sex for a few months.

You’ve got this @Gingerloaf x

My friend left her gorgeous home and beloved garden too, she really grieved the garden, probably as much if not more than the selfish husband!
They got a great price and she found a great little house with a bare garden.
3 years on you would not recognise house, garden or her!
She has transformed them both and adores her independence and space.
She certainly never chose what happened but the brutality and dismissal of her was never going to be something she would revisit.
He insisted on the quick divorce.
She didn't hear from him, nor did he enquire about her.
She simply ceased to exist, like their 30+ years.
Until he was ill and his girlfriend vanished.
He hoped, as did her son's that dad might come "home"...
She loves her boys so was gentle, kind but VERY firm.
"Home" was long gone...dad insisted it be sold so he could be with his affair partner asap.
Her boys understood, ........that she now had HER hard won home and she and their dad were firm history.... HIS choice.
After several years of no contact, she now had her life, her home, rebuilt by HER, and she was not allowing it to be up ended by anyone.
He would have moved in with her in a minute and admitted to being "very hurt" that she refused after "all their shared history".🙄...the sheer entitlement is breathtaking.....
......Shared history he flung aside in a heartbeat.
Definitely she had several mutual golfing friends intimate that "surely the decent thing to do was to stand by old Gerry"
Hilarious.
I think a few " the christian thing to do" were flung around by men too.
She was very measured and sweet in her response that she would definitely pass on to her sons that "X has a spare room for him to move into".....they weren't long scuttling off!😁
She also reminded her ex BIL about how christian he was telling her their marriage of 30 years was over, he had met someone else and was leaving ...all in an evening, insisting her home be sold asap for a quick divorce, all of which she accepted without complaint.

He is now in a nursing home/assisted living type place as he couldn't live alone.
She really is living her best life and looks so well, she really is unrecognisable.
So inspiring.

Just like you OP.

Goldcushion. These men just actually, truly think that woman are only alive to service them?
I have no words.

Have you read all the OP's posts?

He has quietly been a very salutary tale to more than a few in his wide circle.
Ending up in a nursing home environment in your 60's because you have no one who will house you, is absolutely brutal.
In any other circumstances he would be living at home with his wife as carer, driver, looking after him with home cooked meals, going on days out, holidays, family and friends visiting and having a social life still.

Absolutely possible to have a good life with a loving spouse....not always easy on the spouse of course.
He is completely dependent on the irregular visits of his sons and his own family that are not nearby, and some old friends I guess.
Absolutely no comparison to the life he would have had.
He was a selfish man throughout their marriage.
She has said she is so grateful that fate intervened and spared her that future with him.
He of course in his selfishness thought why wouldn't she take him back....she was always very gentle and quiet.
She found her steel and doesn't her family and inlaws know it.
She wished him well but never visited him.
She said she absolutely respected his choice of no contact whatsoever after their divorce.
Inspiring.

I just want to applaud you OP 👏

You are handling this with style and dignity and in the best way of not reacting and looking fabulous whilst doing so!

Well done for getting a good lawyer on board and quickly. How long is it til your fabulous holiday?

Your friend is amazing. I love this bit

"I think a few " the christian thing to do" were flung around by men too.
She was very measured and sweet in her response that she would definitely pass on to her sons that "X has a spare room for him to move into".....they weren't long scuttling off!😁"

I am so sorry you have had to have police involvement OP.

Isn't is just amazing what true colours come out. And lengths they will go to to make out the blame lies elsewhere.

You don't owe anyone any explanation for taking a break. This is your life here. Maybe people who have not been in a similar situation don't get how doing updates, can be freeing in one way, but so taxing in another. As you have to think about everything again. It's draining and exhausting.

Just want to tell you to try keep your head high. It's hard to do this all the time.

I was in a fairly similar situation. And when I found out things didn't work out for ex and ow, I honestly thought I would be on top of the world knowing karma had done her thing. But it just wasn't like that. I cannot explain it. It was not that I wanted him back ever, but I also didn't get that elation that I had called the situation and was right all along. Maybe more a case of I got so hurt, for nothing. I'm not sure how to explain it better.

If there is any of this you recognise @Gingerloaf , I do get it.

TBH I'd return them marked "Gone Away"

OP you are one strong woman, I am glad you recognise that too.

I've no advice whatsoever but wow you are doing so well! Good for you OP, i hope you can stay strong, keep taking care of yourself, we're all here for you to vent at if needed.
You got this.

You really should write a book. Your writing style is really attractive, easy and funny. I'd definitely buy it!

OP, you are so on it , so ignore if you are on this too (I have read all your posts but not all other posters’)

Have you changed your Will, if it leaves stuff to him? Change asap and leave your assets direct to your Dc.

Which may involve changing your house ownership from Joint Tenants to Tenants In Common. Which I guess could be very tricky if not impossible in the circumstances. Hopefully ownership is already TiC.

Meanwhile, look both ways and look again when crossing the road. Seriously: accidents happen more when under duress. My Mum had 2 car accidents during the long process of dealing with similar.

All power and strength to you.

@Gingerloaf we are rooting for you. All of the vibes for dealing with his shitty dick head behaviour. I’m guessing he thought you were going to do the pick me dance and try to woo him back 🤯

Glad your solicitor is worth the money.

Your ex deserves all the comeuppance coming to him, and more.

his recent appearance was one of a little boy and a pity me pity me pity me approach

I stopped at the OW's house to drop off the last of his shit and he came out wondering who it was. As soon as he realised it was me he put his face into a ready to cry arrangement. I couldn't help but roll my eyes. What a fanny.

How long is it til your fabulous holiday?

Don't tell him, Pike!

This made me a little emotional. What a wonderful tale of growth and happiness with a dose of much deserved karma.

I have just read through all of your posts and, Ginger! I do not know you but I could not be prouder of you, woman! I am sorry that you are having to deal with all this but I have every faith that you will come through it because you are the hero that you need.

Your H’s chickens are coming home to roost and meanwhile, you are well advised and making good moves in your own time. I will be toasting you when I sit down with my wine later today.

Hi OP, when my friend's husband buggered off with another woman, she managed to stop him coming and going from the marital home with the solicitor arguing that she had a right to a private life, as he'd actually left the home. Even though it was a joint asset.
She did still have to buy him out, but it did prevent any threat of him moving back in.
Not sure what you've done to keep him out, but it might be helpful to you to know it's possible to do it under certain circumstances, even if eventually you do have to sell.

I'm thinking he's threatened you, hence involvement of the police and am guessing you have used this to keep him from legally coming back.

It's amazing how many stories there are of women who have had their husbands cheat and throw away long marriages and when the dust has settled, these women are healthier and happier.

His most recent encounter was filled with pity me and ‘I thought you would be missing me’ it gave me the ick.
If that merits a response, it would be "I might miss the man I thought you were, but I don't miss the man that you have turned out to be"

Just wanted to add another song for your kickass playlist OP - Pat Benatar, All Fired Up.

Sorry OP - It sounds stressful