Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

OP did mention your username in her post which piqued my curiosity of where it came from...thought it was interesting that a US magazine quoted you though (rather than the usual UK rags such as the DM). Anyway..enough derailment.

Apologies, was shocked to see it. Not your fault and at least it is an American site! Sorry for being snippy.

I thought I had met the most trustworthy man in the world, absolutely convinced he would never be unfaithful (to me), especially as I worked so hard doing 12 hour nights, etc.😏AND I had given up a really good life to be with him, leaving family, friends and job.
How stupid I was. I can't believe how stupid I was...

Don't beat yourself up - you were more than likely not stupid.

You made an assesment based on the information you had.

That is all.

The entitlement displayed by these men when they “decide” they will walk back into their old life and be welcomed with open arms is amazing. Rather than take accountability and admit that they fucked up and that the grass they thought was greener was actually astroturf, and their ego has led them to hurt people they love, they have to create a narrative that they were an innocent led astray. Why on earth they seem to think the puppy dog eyes and victim act is going to work on the person they hurt in the first place when things don’t work out either OW blows my mind. They’re like a recalcitrant toddler who is shocked and infuriated when told that Mummy’s not going to kiss it better. Their belief that they have been utterly betrayed (the irony) when their wife lets them know that they have to sort their own shit out for once and the damage they have done to extended family and friends as a result of their behaviour would be comical if it didn’t cause further trauma for the wife.

I really do think that he would have been calmer if I had thrown him into an electric fence

My thoughts are with you. Please take advice from one who has been through this. Harden your heart and make sure that you get a tough solicitor to make sure that you get finances sorted before you divorce,

I still fell for my husband;s charm and caved in over the divorce and it cost me loads of money plus the beautiful antiques I had paid for. He took me for an absolute fool telling me that "we need to separate for a while in order to get back together". I fell for it and there is no second chance to claim what is yours,

Every good wish that you come out on top.

Okay, I’ve been right where you are, @Gingerloafand it hurts and it’s humiliating and it’s confusing.
You don’t have time for that right now.
Get a solicitor ASAP.
Gather all the banking & insurance & investment stuff. Take anything that looks important.
Follow all the instructions the solicitor gives you.
Don’t drag it out. Don’t let the bastard drag it out.

I know this is harsh, but it’s for your own good.
My divorce in 1993 US money cost me $85,000 which is $185,174 in today’s money, because my husband, who wanted the divorce (and who cheated) kept me in court.

Just get a divorce and grieve afterwards. I’m a firm believer that once a cheater, always a cheater and always a bastard.

And I’m not bitter. I’m practical.

@GucciBear - another timely reminder to harden my heart

His most recent encounter was filled with pity me and ‘I thought you would be missing me’ it gave me the ick. I have seen a man I don't recognise and frankly I don't trust him whenever he emails ( these are getting politer as he realises the game to play when he wants something) or visits it’s purely from self pity and self interest.
He lacks accountability for anything- no intention to get counselling etc
So yes, a good reminder this manipulative behaviour is there to get what he wants and I have to be very mindful about what he is actually saying and not what it seems he is saying- exhausting

@DreamTheMoors - it’s all in place

All strategies discussed and thought through
Solicitor is worth his fee

But I thank you for your advice x

So did the CT letter turn up?

If he didn’t earn enough to pay tax, did he pay NI? If he didn’t he may not get much of a state pension when he gets to 67.

I think I may be about the same age as you (I love Quiet Life by Japan and the spirit of punk never leaves you and mentally one is doing V signs in one’s head at arseholes).

I’m so sorry to hear this. I could have written it myself a few years ago (although we’d had a “shock” a few years earlier, so one little one caught up in it).
Advice is to get the best divorce lawyer you can on board. Even if it’s just to use the free 1/2 hour consultation, so they have you on record. It’ll be “amicable” until it isn’t, and hopefully you won’t need them, but best to be prepared. Don’t get blindsided by the switch, as I was.
I don’t know what your financial position is, but if you were a SAHM don’t let them convince you that you leached off him, or didn’t contribute. The pension belongs to BOTH of you. The house belongs to BOTH of you. But you may also be entitled to some financial support from him for a good few years yet. Right now, it’s PAIN and HURT and RAW, but ten years down the line, it might be survival or poverty.
Try not to overburden your children with outright blame, no matter how hurt you are. As adults they are able to make their own judgements about their father and his actions. Don’t make them feel guilty for choosing to maintain a relationship with both of you. They will be at just as much a loss and bereft as you are. It can be even harder on older children than on younger ones. Especially if they feel that dad was unhappy but was just waiting for them to be old enough to make his move. They feel as if it’s THEIR fault that dad wasn’t happy/ that you both had your lives put on hold.
Finally, please don’t rush into another relationship, but don’t harden yourself to say “never” either. Take your time to rediscover who you are. There’s no rush.
And lawyer up.
Good luck OP

You seem to have things very much under control. The man is a fool to have walked away from you.

Oof, just read through this thread, what a sad story. Hope you are ok.

Your updates of how much he's finding he made a mistake are positively delicious @Gingerloaf

You've been amazing with your attitude and resolve. Only good things for you going forward, and lovely to see your mum and kids are encouraging you to get out there and live your life.

I've just happened upon this post and can hardly read it for laughing at the early comment "I thought you'd be missing me" They're hilarious aren't they !!!! You sound amazing OP, and fully have your wits about you. You’re going to do just fine. To hell with him.

@Gingerloaf hello! I came back to read your updates. I just wanted to say you remained in my thoughts. This could happen to any of us right? I am grateful for you keeping us updated. Threads like this could be so useful to so many of us in the future.

I can feel and hear your heartbreak but I can also see your strength. Just wanted to send more positive vibes to you.

The ages of all (OP, STBEX and OW) have all been referred to upthread, but I can’t find it right now.

OP, if he has sent a threatening message, I would speak to the police and your lawyer about the possibility of keeping him out of the house until you’re able to sell.

They’re definitely all there.