Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

I honestly believe you will soon feel almosy grateful to that woman for taking him off your hands.
Highly unlikely you would ever have ditched this twat through loyalty, but somehow the universe has dealt you a nice hand.

My friend certainly wouldn't have divorced her selfish husband.
But she is so happy that his life changing illness has not been her burden and she is a fab early 60's living her best life.

"First child" - did you go on to have another one?

My mum laughed when I turned 40 and said, "Imagine you being a 40 year old?" and I laughed too and said, "but you're the mother of a 40 year old!"

@Fannyfiggs - enjoy away

I would say more but it really is too outing and I cannot be bothered with the derailing that goes on here.

One day ….. just one day I may reveal all
I have not gone more than 48 hours since this all started without some form of the shitshow popping its ugly head up. It’s exhausting, and frankly slightly boring.

One day ….. just one day I may reveal all

Now that's a book I would read ❤️

Its a rollercoaster of emotions gingerbread. Not helped when daily you are faced with other bits of information, more of the shitshow.

Hold your head high and carry on with those lovely, for best beauty products.

I wish I had had your dignity - I went the other way and bought that fashion abomination....the shell suit! In lovely shiny purple no less. I wore it everytime exh visited just because he hated them so much. I cringe when I think of it, would have been so much better rocking it like you x

That astro turf causes horrible friction burns if you slip, skid and fall on your arse.

You have your head screwed on for sure OP, but do not underestimate the potential for him to try and manipulate family and friends as the full awful reality of his self created shit show reveals itself.

Do not for one second believe that he will not feel fully entitled to be allowed return, no matter what you say.

Do not be surprised at a few flying monkeys from unexpected quarters to emerge.

A bereft, hapless, broken, regretful man can work a charm on some people.

I know a few felt my friend might step up and forgive when he needed to be cared for....and they were fully divorced and her beautiful home sold.
Because she wasn't nt with anyone else, a few people thought she should take him into her lovely new home.🙄
Such presumption!
Nearest vagina too of course be his carer🙄
He is very entitled, i wouldn't be surprised if you have friends trying to speak for him, even female friends.
I sincerely hope not, but be on your guard.

@Goldcushions2 - again very wise words and a timely reminder

I was warned in the beginning re how people would respond to the situation - 99.9% have shown nothing but love and support ( ringing me, bring food, putting me up for a few days to have a change of scene)
There was someone who listened to him and I considered that a good thing as he needs someone other than his OW in his ear. This person then was quite traumatised and needed to show so much love to his partner. I don’t t think the person expected it to be so self centred and whacky listening to H

Regarding the return, a number of legal things have been put in place and he - and his solicitor are fully aware of this. This is as a result of his arrogance and crazy belief he gets to call the shots. One of the pleasures has been seeing my solicitor step in at just the right moment and wipe the floor with his cheap solicitor ( don’t derail this with blurb about the law etc etc - it happened and it happened for a good reason folks!) when I say Karma is being served it’s truly awesome to watch as before I was sceptical about such things. Even so I do remember this is the man I fell in love with nearly 40 years ago and with whom I have had some good times and two truly wonderful DC. I won’t take too much of the karmic pleasure - the universe will be listening.

You are right with your advice - I watch for flying monkeys all the time and in some cases interrogate people for their intentions- there are some I am holding at arms length. Time will tell but my main network is supportive, funny and explore my thinking with me. They have my best interests at heart. Some have had bitter experiences and are providing me with the love and support like no other.

There is not one voice who speaks for him - it’s a matter of time before OW pushes him out. His return is not to here …and I think even H is understanding that.

But you have always provided timely warning and I thank you for your kindness and will have renewed vigilance x

I am sorry your thread was derailled @Gingerloaf. I’m also sorry that this has happened to you. You shouldn’t be in a position to be feeling that kind of pain at all.
of course I’m pleased your solicitor mopped the floor with his and he’s getting a good hard dose of the reality he has created but understandably, there is still hurt. Hurt you have done nothing to deserve.

you do seem to have your wits about you - good for you

The funny thing is about these deluded arseholes is that its usually the lack of a response that causes them to go completely batshit. In my case (footnote) it was an email that was sooooooo long (if I printed it off I would estimate 3 pages) which when finally reduced was really mundane, say needing his passport for ID.

So as I was off that day I got his "passport" and drove to his new place and posted it through the door. Then replied "Passport dropped off" and he went INSANE. I really do think that he would have been calmer if I had thrown him into an electric fence.

They positively revel in provoking and then getting, a reaction. The not getting one is what drives them, literally, mad. Thats when the ramping up happens. Perhaps we should publish "The Script - The Nightmare Continues".

Footnote: different situation as mine was a serial cheater he was also genuinely physically and sexually abusive but as it was all done in drink, and he couldnt remember it (he claims) he really did believe that he could worm his way back in. He was removed by the police ffs!!

@PyongyangKipperbang ( great name and I remember that film)

I am sorry you had that experience. ( I did love your electric fence analogy) I think you are right, they have a whole drama in their head with OW like Sophia Loren / Princess Diana at their most beautiful
The wife as the wicked witch of the west - they see themselves as the hero of it all ( Bond and every Marcel character going) until Hollywood does not agree to the script

My H absolutely did not expect the calmness, the grey rock, the friends choosing to ignore him, the one step ahead at all points.

I can’t say too much but he’s gone from lying to me to be with her, to lying to her to see me. I told him to take a hike.

I do wonder how much police time is wasted on the stupidity of people who cheat and then somehow can’t accept their accountability- I apologised profusely to the police for taking up their time. They were great but my goodness what a waste of their time and energy.

Wishing you well x

I am 6 years down the line and my life is.....well far from perfect but a hell of a lot better than it would have been! But thank you for your good wishes, I wish you the same and much much more. I am genuinely in awe of how you have dealt with this.

They get so angry that they did something so unbelievably stupid but that we dont say "Oh ok darling" welcome him back and then pretend it never happened. We make them face the consequences. Its like the little boy saying "NO NO I can walk on the high wall, I am a big boy now!!" and then having a massive tantrum when he falls off and hurts himself. In the little boys head its mummys fault for letting him find out that no, he cant walk on the big wall without a fall. Ex will have twisted it to prove that its all your fault he "had" to leave you for this horrible shit life he has with a woman who expected him to drop into her life and be her late husband all over again (total conjecture but thats the impression I am getting).

You are atomic! x
(see what I did there?!)

My H absolutely did not expect the calmness, the grey rock, the friends choosing to ignore him, the one step ahead at all points.

It's all about control. When the affair wasn't known, your and his relationship was in his control. Now he has no control over your and his relationship (or lack thereof) and nothing drives a person more barmy than lack of control. So this:

I can’t say too much but he’s gone from lying to me to be with her, to lying to her to see me.

He's trying to get in control again. Keep venting on here OP and keep calm out there - it's really getting to him!

Couldnt agree more. He happily jumped out of the plane but is now surprised and terrified that he is freefalling and the parachute he took for granted isnt there anymore.

@Gingerloaf Time to add Culture Club to the playlist - "when you go, you're gone forever" - and good to hear the karmic update.
I was puzzled when you said you thought that the budgie smuggler was going to be the one to kick him out, but if he's now lying to her too, that explains it. Presumably lied to the police as well, and to himself.
As Soberholic says, he's no longer in control of the narrative he told himself to justify his affair.
There's an apt phrase oft-quoted on these forums "Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of his own actions" Keep smiling, Karma Chameleon x

He does not stand a chance against the cool calm head of the op.

Having had your life and that of your children upended, I have no doubt that you too are suffering op. You are too elegant a person not to feel this on many different levels.

It is, however, very satisfying that you are not destroyed by it.

I hope a lot of people read this thread and recognize that an end can also be a beginning. Behaviour like this (his) does not have to result in devastation. One can grieve and be sad WHILE fighting for the future, being smart, decisive, and cool headed.

From this thread the “magic” ingredient seems to have been @Gingerloaf‘s understanding and quick acceptance of fact, and a refusal to bow before false hope.

Being cruel to be kind - in this case to herself.

Ah - you are all making me smile so much. So much I could say on here but won’t - I am not drip feeding for fun it really has been an interesting but exhausting time.

@PyongyangKipperbang - his recent appearance was one of a little boy and a pity me pity me pity me approach

@soberholic - yep, trying for so much control - and most of it I am letting go because it’s logged with the solicitor and I took steps in the early days to get evidence. I can so wait.
There is something he will need to return sometime next year …….something a lot of people expect to see back in their midst….. bugger me but can I remember where it is now 🤔 so many things lined up to make him squirm at a later date, even 6 months hence he’s going to have to explain something

@JennySayQuoi - Culture Club oh yes!

@yesmen - cruel to be kind is interesting and perhaps I have been to myself. I was never one for taking the band aid off slowly

The advice and support on here has helped as has reading up about cheaters and the very low % of successful reconciliation.
Focusing in self worth has been hard but it’s paying off - I still get caught with sadness. My DS wanted to propose to his lovely lady - but they both feel upended by this. I have told him to live his life but I can understand his reticence. I look at the garden I spent so many hours developing and now I cannot be bothered. It will be someone else’s dream one day.

The fact it has already gone bang with the OW at such a short space of time is not a surprise ( there was a sweepstake on this) but what a waste of a lifetime for a few months of illicit sex. I genuinely would not want to be living with him now - he’s not at his best at all - but then that’s what you get when you mess with a married man and a ginger loaf

In a way @Gingerloaf I feel sorry for him.

What a massively expensive few orgasims. In his foolish arrogance and self belief he threw a grenade and blow only his own legs off.

It is so shocking and I don’t even know the man!

I googled PyongyangKipperbang as I'd heard of it but wasn't sure (for some reason thought it was in Lord of the flies), but anyway, @PyongyangKipperbang of this parish appeared in one of the links;

https://www.newsweek.com/mom-urged-take-money-parents-despite-conditions-1781044

Jesus, the ageism. Curb your arrogance, young one.

Not sure what that has to do with this thread but thanks for the information, I guess.

and in an attempt to avoid derailment, my username was created at a time I had recently read several N. Korean defectors books and was (still am) in contact with one of the authors. I am a fan of Jack Rosenthals plays and simply put the two together.

It is always shocking to see what men will throw away just for sex and some sort of validation. But, he has made his bed hasnt he and he won't enjoy lying in it.

Not exactly a dancing song, gingerloaf but I did get satisfaction from playing Connie Francis 'who's sorry now' in the background when ex sat down like a lost little boy, realising he could never come back. He was an abusive arsehole to boot though, so goodness knows why he ever imagined he could!

Are none of us asleep! Even the cat has given up trying to get me to bed.