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Blindsided by H

1000 replies

Gingerloaf · 07/08/2024 17:22

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
Goldcushions2 · 23/09/2024 15:57

@sdp it perhaps is a little shallow, but how well she looks has really struck people.
Even though they would have been two very comfortable people with means, she was what you might call a bit dowdy.

Box home hair colour, carrying a bit of weight and nondescript practical clothes.
The shock and stress of it all meant she dropped 2+stone without trying.

She explained that when their money was finalised she suddenly felt the freedom to spend on herself for the first time, even though in fairness she always had her own money and her husband had never been mean or controlling with money. It was just who she was, a bit frugal.

She got her hair cut and properly coloured, returning to her own auburn colour which suits her so much better, makes her blue eyes pop.

She updated her wardrobe with friends and suddenly she looks at least 10 years younger, ......at least.
She has great skin, which helps.
The hair colour has transformed her.
She has been teased often that she is an add for divorce!

You can lose yourself easily as you age particularly if you have a selfish partner and the marriage is just chugging along.
She has professed no interest in meeting anyone, although she has been approached by a few men.
Even a few married men at the golf club...but thats another story🙄.

I certainly couldn't see her living with another man, she just loves her little house, being able to have girlfriends to stay, of which she has many.
She also hosts regular "bring a dish" nights for friends which are great nights, I've been to a couple.
Like I said she's an add for it.

I see similar for the OP when this period is behind her.

Gymnopedie · 23/09/2024 16:33

BruceAndNosh · 23/09/2024 14:15

His most recent encounter was filled with pity me and ‘I thought you would be missing me’ it gave me the ick.
If that merits a response, it would be "I might miss the man I thought you were, but I don't miss the man that you have turned out to be"

Or 'I'm only missing you in the sense that my life is so much better without you in it'.

MumBoss99 · 23/09/2024 16:53

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Pippa246 · 23/09/2024 17:15

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@MumBoss99 no one is actually suggesting that but google “the script” - it’s a thing that many women can confirm has happened to them. Ok so some women also follow the script but the amount of men who implode their and their partner/children’s lives is thousands times more than women who do.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 23/09/2024 17:26

'lot's of assumptions there, wonder where this mystical relationship is where the wife has done no wrong and the husband is literally Hitler.' MumBoss

'The script' (partner-blaming behaviours after an affair) has been experienced by many! It is used where self-justification is needed.

Hitler is reputed to have had affairs and so might have used 'the script'.

Lavenderandbrown · 23/09/2024 17:48

Op I haven’t RTET yet but I want to add…thank Jesus he left the house. Change the locks and don’t let him back in. He will steal or try to live there while making a huge fuxking mess everyday for you to clean. Good riddance. The house will be quiet and feel a bit empty but it’s so much better than living together while divorcing which I had to do. Also no diet like the divorce diet and I haven’t even read enough to know what you look like but I read a couple of comments about weight loss people experienced and even tho I was petite and normal weight it took that last little bit of baby weight right off!

WearyAuldWumman · 23/09/2024 17:54

Goldcushions2 · 22/09/2024 23:17

You have your head screwed on for sure OP, but do not underestimate the potential for him to try and manipulate family and friends as the full awful reality of his self created shit show reveals itself.

Do not for one second believe that he will not feel fully entitled to be allowed return, no matter what you say.

Do not be surprised at a few flying monkeys from unexpected quarters to emerge.

A bereft, hapless, broken, regretful man can work a charm on some people.

I know a few felt my friend might step up and forgive when he needed to be cared for....and they were fully divorced and her beautiful home sold.
Because she wasn't nt with anyone else, a few people thought she should take him into her lovely new home.🙄
Such presumption!
Nearest vagina too of course be his carer🙄
He is very entitled, i wouldn't be surprised if you have friends trying to speak for him, even female friends.
I sincerely hope not, but be on your guard.

My late husband's ex outlived her Affair Partner. Within a year she was with a widower.

She outlived him. (When it got to the stage that he needed care, she did last for a little while, but then put him into "respite" and refused to have him back - he died within a fortnight.) Within a year, she had another widower.

One of the kids had suggested that she move into sheltered accommodation near them. She declined.

She told mutual friends that she'd rather stay where she was, because she knew that she had Weary and DH nearby...

I had helped her out the twice she lost a partner - I felt sorry for her - but I had no intention of stepping up as her carer: I cared for both my parents for many years and then my husband. After my parents died, but while DH was still alive and being cared for by me, on more than one occasion she had the nerve to say to me: "You must be the same as I am - sick of dealing with the dead and dying." WtF?!)

WearyAuldWumman · 23/09/2024 18:04

Fraaahnces · 23/09/2024 03:36

The entitlement displayed by these men when they “decide” they will walk back into their old life and be welcomed with open arms is amazing. Rather than take accountability and admit that they fucked up and that the grass they thought was greener was actually astroturf, and their ego has led them to hurt people they love, they have to create a narrative that they were an innocent led astray. Why on earth they seem to think the puppy dog eyes and victim act is going to work on the person they hurt in the first place when things don’t work out either OW blows my mind. They’re like a recalcitrant toddler who is shocked and infuriated when told that Mummy’s not going to kiss it better. Their belief that they have been utterly betrayed (the irony) when their wife lets them know that they have to sort their own shit out for once and the damage they have done to extended family and friends as a result of their behaviour would be comical if it didn’t cause further trauma for the wife.

It's the same for all cheaters. My late husband left his first wife after she spent the night with a bloke from work on a work bonding weekend. They'd been having at least an emotional affair for years.

In Scotland in those days, you needed to wait 2 yrs for a No Fault divorce. By then, Dh had a mortgage on his own place. The first wife spent half her week in her place with the BF and the other half at his place.

At the end of the 2 yrs, the ex heard that DH had been seen out with someone else. waves

Next thing, DH gets invited round to the old marital home "to discuss something". No sign of the BF.

She offered DH "the chance to come home". (No word of the BF.)

Dh just laughed and left. I don't know if her BF ever found out - they were together until he died suddenly.

DH and I married 4 years after the divorce.

Fescue · 23/09/2024 18:13

. Like finding a book in an old bookshop.

YeFaerieBean · 23/09/2024 18:26

He might not be Hitler but he’s certainly Gitler

justasking111 · 23/09/2024 18:29

Husband said the other day that all women are the same out to emasculate and rob men. This is a man that took 28k out of our joint savings account to buy himself a new car and forgot to tell me. My heart nearly stopped when I saw all the missing money until I figured out it was for the car. My fucking car is 18 years old, he now has two cars.

He checked that savings account the other day demanding to know where all the money had disappeared to in a state of high suspicion.

On my life I have never withdrawn a penny bar the fridge freezer when ours packed up and I didn't want a hole in the kitchen and no fridge, which btw cost £600.

I don't know what men are reading on the www these days, but they appear to think that we are robbing them.

Runnerinthenight · 23/09/2024 18:51

justasking111 · 23/09/2024 18:29

Husband said the other day that all women are the same out to emasculate and rob men. This is a man that took 28k out of our joint savings account to buy himself a new car and forgot to tell me. My heart nearly stopped when I saw all the missing money until I figured out it was for the car. My fucking car is 18 years old, he now has two cars.

He checked that savings account the other day demanding to know where all the money had disappeared to in a state of high suspicion.

On my life I have never withdrawn a penny bar the fridge freezer when ours packed up and I didn't want a hole in the kitchen and no fridge, which btw cost £600.

I don't know what men are reading on the www these days, but they appear to think that we are robbing them.

What are you going to do about that? Are you getting a 28k car as well?

thepariscrimefiles · 23/09/2024 18:55

justasking111 · 23/09/2024 18:29

Husband said the other day that all women are the same out to emasculate and rob men. This is a man that took 28k out of our joint savings account to buy himself a new car and forgot to tell me. My heart nearly stopped when I saw all the missing money until I figured out it was for the car. My fucking car is 18 years old, he now has two cars.

He checked that savings account the other day demanding to know where all the money had disappeared to in a state of high suspicion.

On my life I have never withdrawn a penny bar the fridge freezer when ours packed up and I didn't want a hole in the kitchen and no fridge, which btw cost £600.

I don't know what men are reading on the www these days, but they appear to think that we are robbing them.

Well he sounds horrible. Has he been on MRA forums where inadequate men blame women for all their problems? Have you spoken to him about the £28,000 car that he bought without any discussion? How dare he imply that you are taking money from the savings pot.

Thisismetooaswell · 23/09/2024 18:58

I must have missed something when reading through. Has he said he wants to come back?

justasking111 · 23/09/2024 19:05

Runnerinthenight · 23/09/2024 18:51

What are you going to do about that? Are you getting a 28k car as well?

Not at the moment. I love my little mini cooper cabriolet 45000 on the clock. She's such fun. His big 4x4 vehicles he's welcome to.

WizardOfAus · 23/09/2024 19:27

justasking111 · 23/09/2024 18:29

Husband said the other day that all women are the same out to emasculate and rob men. This is a man that took 28k out of our joint savings account to buy himself a new car and forgot to tell me. My heart nearly stopped when I saw all the missing money until I figured out it was for the car. My fucking car is 18 years old, he now has two cars.

He checked that savings account the other day demanding to know where all the money had disappeared to in a state of high suspicion.

On my life I have never withdrawn a penny bar the fridge freezer when ours packed up and I didn't want a hole in the kitchen and no fridge, which btw cost £600.

I don't know what men are reading on the www these days, but they appear to think that we are robbing them.

When Are you getting divorced?

Uricon2 · 23/09/2024 19:28

justasking111 · 23/09/2024 18:29

Husband said the other day that all women are the same out to emasculate and rob men. This is a man that took 28k out of our joint savings account to buy himself a new car and forgot to tell me. My heart nearly stopped when I saw all the missing money until I figured out it was for the car. My fucking car is 18 years old, he now has two cars.

He checked that savings account the other day demanding to know where all the money had disappeared to in a state of high suspicion.

On my life I have never withdrawn a penny bar the fridge freezer when ours packed up and I didn't want a hole in the kitchen and no fridge, which btw cost £600.

I don't know what men are reading on the www these days, but they appear to think that we are robbing them.

Take your half out, including 14K as your share of the bloody car and put it safe. He is not to be trusted.

justasking111 · 23/09/2024 19:34

thepariscrimefiles · 23/09/2024 18:55

Well he sounds horrible. Has he been on MRA forums where inadequate men blame women for all their problems? Have you spoken to him about the £28,000 car that he bought without any discussion? How dare he imply that you are taking money from the savings pot.

That's the thing we really don't know what men are reading today. Algorithms push some weird crap their way. Whilst I get clothes, jewellery etc. they could be getting gawd knows what directed their way. Then they get paranoid.

Uricon2 · 23/09/2024 19:36

justasking111 · 23/09/2024 19:34

That's the thing we really don't know what men are reading today. Algorithms push some weird crap their way. Whilst I get clothes, jewellery etc. they could be getting gawd knows what directed their way. Then they get paranoid.

I wouldn't worry about him being paranoid, I'd worry about protecting your money. He won't.

jumpintheline · 23/09/2024 19:37

You have such poise and resilience OP. Congratulations on getting shot of this pathetic man. May much happiness lay ahead for you.

BeanCountingContinues · 23/09/2024 20:09

@Gingerloaf
I hear you when you say it is exhausting.

I know you said you don't want to be rushed. There is a balance to be struck: get it all over with asap, but at your own pace.

You will feel so much better when the divorce is done, the assets split, and you can cut him out of your life completely if you so wish.

ozuk · 23/09/2024 21:57

@Gingerloaf you are incredible. I am in awe of how you are managing this. Keep going!

Runnerinthenight · 23/09/2024 22:12

justasking111 · 23/09/2024 19:05

Not at the moment. I love my little mini cooper cabriolet 45000 on the clock. She's such fun. His big 4x4 vehicles he's welcome to.

You should remove your share and put in in an account in your own name. His behaviour is beyond awful!

YeFaerieBean · 23/09/2024 22:20

Yea, I was thinking open your own savings account!

AdmittowearingCrocs · 23/09/2024 22:45

@justasking111 rather than filling up @Gingerloaf ‘s thread with your situation, perhaps you could start your own for a discussion 🙂

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