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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need advice and quick

184 replies

wingliner · 03/08/2024 01:48

Hi.
I am going to give a very brief summary. Minimal detail and now names.
Short version.
Whilst at school I had a sexual relationship with a teacher. I know now it was wrong but at the time I didn’t.
Recently I have met up with friends and we brought with us lots of photos. There was one photo that brought back memories. A school trip in particular. I know that it was that day it all started with him.
When discussing the trip , my friends were adamant that it was a particular year that would mean I was 15 soon to be 16. Where as I thought this all started when I was 16 nearly 17.
I have stayed in contact with him all these years and even he says I was nearly 17. But my friends that trip was in this particularly year.
I am shocked and started to feel
a-bit unwell thinking that it all started when I was 15.

I haven’t really viewed it as wrong all my life. He charmed or some would say groomed me into thinking it was normal. Well and that’s where I am today.

He has always stayed in touch with me, always.

any advice.

OP posts:
CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 03/08/2024 01:57

Regardless of how many years have passed, you could report him to the police and to professional organizations.
This choice is one only you can make, I would suggest talking it over with a professional.

GogAndMagog · 03/08/2024 02:04

Did your friends know about this affair?

Can you talk to them about it?

Is he still teaching?

I think you should talk it over with somebody.

Original poster
wingliner · 03/08/2024 02:05

@CurlsnSunshinetime4tea thank you, I am so very confused.
It was so long ago I am just confused by time, but my friends are certain.
He has now grown up, got wife and 3 kids.
if I report he will lose all that.
Everything single piece.

But he was wrong, very wrong

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 03/08/2024 02:13

Put it behind you and move on. What good will it to to drag it all up now, many years later? And you may or not have been 16. It was consensual, you participated willingly, and it's not as though you were a young child being exploited. Do you really want the police involved now, and have to go through a court case?

GreenIvyy · 03/08/2024 02:14

it’s morally whats best. Were you the only one? Were there others. What if he was into children much younger as well? Is he still doing it? What about his own kids? Is he still a teacher?

paedos are hiding in plain sight. Its protecting others here thats the issue

has he stayed in contact with you to keep you sweet? On friendly terms so you wouldn’t report him??

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 03/08/2024 02:15

Yes I agree he was very very wrong and yes I agree there would be a huge fall out.
You wouldn’t be unscathed either you don’t get to report and walk away, there will be some effect on your life, so you should talk this through with a professional.

Edingril · 03/08/2024 02:16

There has to come a point where we own our part in a situation you consented and we're of a legal age, no it does not sound totally acceptable but you made a choice also

Sure report it to police if it will actually help you

PaminaMozart · 03/08/2024 02:17

Don't do anything without having g counseling first.

Edingril · 03/08/2024 02:18

Edingril · 03/08/2024 02:16

There has to come a point where we own our part in a situation you consented and we're of a legal age, no it does not sound totally acceptable but you made a choice also

Sure report it to police if it will actually help you

Added if you can prove you were under-age sure report it if it will help you

Opentooffers · 03/08/2024 02:24

It's splitting hairs for a 1 year difference you decided it was ok/ then its not OK if a year earlier? It was never OK even at 16. I find it hard to understand the difficulty you have around what age you were at the time, as 15 is school and GCSE's whereas 16 would of been college and A levels. Given that he was a teacher, and you were at a pivotal time, it should be pretty obvious based on what and where you were studying at the time, what year it was.

Opentooffers · 03/08/2024 02:26

...also, you've sat on this knowledge for years, so why the need for quick replies?

Delphiniumandlupins · 03/08/2024 02:52

His behaviour was wrong whatever age you were. Only marginally less wrong, I suppose, if you were 16. Have you really not thought this before now? Do you honestly believe that you were his only victim?

LilyBartsHatShop · 03/08/2024 02:55

💐
I'm sorry he did that to you @wingliner.
I agree with pps I think you need to find a trusted friend or professional to talk to about this so you can figure out what is the right next step for you. And grieve what was stolen from you by this rockspider.

Gettingannoyednow · 03/08/2024 03:03

OP it sounds like this is a really difficult moment for you. Honestly I'd leave the thread because it will fill with victim-blamers sooner or later and you really don't need that. Some utter rubbish has been posted already. Seek out professional real life support. Take your time. You have done nothing wrong.

HollyKnight · 03/08/2024 03:05

It doesn't matter what age you were. You were a school pupil and he was your teacher. Your age doesn't make what he did any less wrong.

WiddlinDiddlin · 03/08/2024 03:27

It doesn't really matter how old you were if you were in secondary school and he was your teacher. He was in a position of authority, over you.

I don't really buy the 'i didn't know it was wrong' - you did on some level (possibly not the right level to understand how wrong of HIM it was) because if you hadn't, you'd have told all your mates... you wouldn't have kept it secret... but that is by the by really and again like your age, doesn't matter - HE absolutely 100% knew it was wrong and he knew why.

It's up to you what you do - you'll be told that if you don't report it, perhaps he is doing the same to other people, you have a duty to report it, but it is still up to you to decide what you want to do.

I would seek some sort of professional therapy/support, to understand what happened, and support in whatever it is you decide to do next.

RawBloomers · 03/08/2024 03:56

It’s a crime (even if you were 16/nearly 17) for good reason.

And he may lose his wife and kids (he may not, lots of women stick by men accused of sex crimes and abuse of power) but all the kids he’s teaching are at risk, because him being married and having kids doesn’t mean his character has changed.

But I agree with the need to think about it carefully because the cost to you will be significant.

andthat · 03/08/2024 04:47

Opentooffers · 03/08/2024 02:24

It's splitting hairs for a 1 year difference you decided it was ok/ then its not OK if a year earlier? It was never OK even at 16. I find it hard to understand the difficulty you have around what age you were at the time, as 15 is school and GCSE's whereas 16 would of been college and A levels. Given that he was a teacher, and you were at a pivotal time, it should be pretty obvious based on what and where you were studying at the time, what year it was.

Not true.
Many people turn 16 between Sep and June, before taking their GCSE‘S… then start A levels in September… still aged 16.

OP’s confusion entirely understandable.

Frogpole · 03/08/2024 04:50

wingliner · 03/08/2024 01:48

Hi.
I am going to give a very brief summary. Minimal detail and now names.
Short version.
Whilst at school I had a sexual relationship with a teacher. I know now it was wrong but at the time I didn’t.
Recently I have met up with friends and we brought with us lots of photos. There was one photo that brought back memories. A school trip in particular. I know that it was that day it all started with him.
When discussing the trip , my friends were adamant that it was a particular year that would mean I was 15 soon to be 16. Where as I thought this all started when I was 16 nearly 17.
I have stayed in contact with him all these years and even he says I was nearly 17. But my friends that trip was in this particularly year.
I am shocked and started to feel
a-bit unwell thinking that it all started when I was 15.

I haven’t really viewed it as wrong all my life. He charmed or some would say groomed me into thinking it was normal. Well and that’s where I am today.

He has always stayed in touch with me, always.

any advice.

@wingliner I know I'm an intruder on this one so I'll just post this and be on my way, but to give a bloke's perspective:

He knew exactly what he was doing, and it wasn't a spur of the moment thing.
It makes no difference if he was oh-so-kind and 'gentlemanly' enough to wait until the ink on your 16ᵗʰ birthday card was dry or not - he was an adult in a position of responsibility for a child, which outweighs age of consent law.
He's a grown man, a school teacher who decided he'd like put his penis inside a schoolgirl he was in a position of power and authority over, who he's acting in loco parentis for.
He picked you specifically because he thought you'd be the easiest to manipulate in to doing whatever he wanted.
This bullshit over "staying in touch even after all these years" is just an insurance policy for him. He knows his entire world relies on you keeping your mouth shut, and that you're much easier to control if you think he's your friend.

Please report him to the police. Please.

Duckingella · 03/08/2024 04:54

What's with all the vile victim shaming on here?;honestly this website is turning into an absolute shambles.

This man is a predator and has committed a crime regardless if OP was 16 or not.

This teacher could still be offending/has already committed the same offences over and over.

cavernclub · 03/08/2024 05:10

I don't know how old you are OP.
To an extent, it was different times then and I suppose it is how you felt about it. I don't think the year difference changes what has happened much - it's still a teacher / pupil relationship which was wrong. I know of two pupil / teacher relationships that developed into long term marriages and DCs. it wasn't that uncommon in those days. Thankfully there are proper safeguards in place now

Summerpigeon · 03/08/2024 05:40

Vile man . definitely report to police

sesquipedalian · 03/08/2024 05:44

I can’t think that you would still be in contact with this man if you thought he posed any sort of danger to other children at school. You say you have stayed in contact “all these years” so I assume it was a long time ago and he is now settled with a family. If you are as sure as you can be that it was a one-off thing with you when he was young, then what is to be gained by destroying so many lives, above all those of his children? Your friends might well be mistaken about the year of the school trip - and whenever it happened, it’s in the past and nothing will now change it.

Shoxfordian · 03/08/2024 06:02

It doesn't matter if you were 15 or 16, he was still your teacher and it was an abuse of his power, you really should report him regardless of his life now, he could still be a danger to another girl and he should go to prison for what he did

BlastedPimples · 03/08/2024 06:03

I am amazed at the posts that say it was consensual. As if it was a relationship between equals. What utter cobblers.

As if a 15 year old can really compute and deal with the complexities of an adult relationship with an adult. Incredible.

I wonder how happy those posters would be if their 15 year old child was in a full blown relationship with their teacher?

Op, you were a child. A pupil at a school. You were groomed.

It was wrong in so many levels.

I wonder how many others he's done this to. Perhaps is still doing it.

What a shady creepy man.

And if you decided go report him and he lost everything, that is not your doing. It's his for choosing to groom and pursue girls.