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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need advice and quick

184 replies

wingliner · 03/08/2024 01:48

Hi.
I am going to give a very brief summary. Minimal detail and now names.
Short version.
Whilst at school I had a sexual relationship with a teacher. I know now it was wrong but at the time I didn’t.
Recently I have met up with friends and we brought with us lots of photos. There was one photo that brought back memories. A school trip in particular. I know that it was that day it all started with him.
When discussing the trip , my friends were adamant that it was a particular year that would mean I was 15 soon to be 16. Where as I thought this all started when I was 16 nearly 17.
I have stayed in contact with him all these years and even he says I was nearly 17. But my friends that trip was in this particularly year.
I am shocked and started to feel
a-bit unwell thinking that it all started when I was 15.

I haven’t really viewed it as wrong all my life. He charmed or some would say groomed me into thinking it was normal. Well and that’s where I am today.

He has always stayed in touch with me, always.

any advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 02:20

@Notanotherdick

Yeh I was vulnerable.
I trusted him.
I told him a lot.
He had access to my file too.
He says he couldn't help it, he couldn't help the way he felt about me.

OP posts:
FeliznaviDogs · 31/12/2024 02:22

wingliner · 30/12/2024 23:33

I have read all your messages and I thank every single one of you for your opinions and your advice.

It seems that things have taken quite a turn.

I got a friend request from his wife .... I couldn't believe it but then he messaged me asking if everything was okay? And that his wife has said she had a friend request from me.

I ignored me
I ignored her

What do I do
What do i say

I’m sorry that you’re in this position. I bet it’s constantly on your mind and you’re replaying old memories.

Did you manage to find a therapist to help you manage your thoughts and emotions? They can help you untangle these and decide how you wish to proceed.

Is he still teaching? If so it may be his wife has current suspicions (current pupil) and is trying to befriend you now possibly with the intention of finding out exactly what happened years ago? Maybe he’s gotten very drunk and rambled a bit, or chatted in his sleep and said something incriminating?

I hope you managed to cut ties and therefore reduced the control he has - whether you felt you were making a choice at the time, he did manipulate you. 15, 16, 17, you were just being puppeteered and none of this is your fault x

Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 02:27

@FeliznaviDogs

It is on my mind a lot. Plus he now has kids, although I'm not prepared to disclose genders or ages. But that does worry me. Not his own kids but their friends.

I found a therapist but the child abuse patient confidently is risky if other children are at risky. So I'm stuck.

Yes still teaching.
Maybe he has. I hadnt thought of that.
Maybe she checks his phone.

Im now coming to terms that i was a victim
Of child abuse.

OP posts:
FeliznaviDogs · 31/12/2024 02:39

wingliner · 31/12/2024 02:27

@FeliznaviDogs

It is on my mind a lot. Plus he now has kids, although I'm not prepared to disclose genders or ages. But that does worry me. Not his own kids but their friends.

I found a therapist but the child abuse patient confidently is risky if other children are at risky. So I'm stuck.

Yes still teaching.
Maybe he has. I hadnt thought of that.
Maybe she checks his phone.

Im now coming to terms that i was a victim
Of child abuse.

I really think you need to speak to someone who has experience - can you call the number that BendyBeckham quoted (sorry if that’s the wrong PP name). And ask to speak to them confidentially? I see what you mean about others potentially at risk and authorities having to act. The thing is - that’s not your problem. Either way. You are only responsible for yourself and you need to treat yourself with love and care and compassion.

You were young. He took advantage. That makes my blood boil.

He’s trying to control you now. That’s also making me seeth on your behalf. It’s just so wrong.

You’re in control now, but you need to find someone you can talk to a bit more fluidly than posters here - a proper conversation where they have experience in providing the right support.

FeliznaviDogs · 31/12/2024 02:43

You’ll have lots of emotions to process - sadness, grieving a normal childhood/teen years and losing your virginity, anger, possibly some guilt and shame in there (though you shouldn’t feel these I think they’re normal reactions as you feel you were silly at the time when all this happened, or that you should have realised or not fallen for his lies). A counsellor will give you exercises to help process these feelings in a way that is not self destructive. So it’s controlled, and doesn’t implode your own life.

This is a huge thing to work through. And you need support.

ByHardyAquaFox · 31/12/2024 03:15

The truth is coming out. The fortress made out of lies he built so long ago is beginning to show its signs of imminent collapse.
You need to be prepared because a storm is coming.
Seek professional help, and seek it now. Not tomorrow.
Now.

caramelcappucino · 31/12/2024 04:21

If you don’t report it, this predator will have unlimited access to children for the rest of his life.

Please save the children by speaking up. Sending you strength and love OP 💐💐💐

AgentJohnson · 31/12/2024 05:42

For all the ‘it was consensual’ posters out there, do you understand the practice of grooming? He was a fucking teacher for gods sake, he knew what he was doing was wrong but did it anyway. The OP was impressionable and he was a sleazy scumbag who prioritised himself at the expense of a young impressionable girl.

This scumbag of a human targeted the Op and used his position of trust and the power imbalance to get what he wanted from her, the chances that the OP was the only one, are slim to none. Him keeping in touch with her all these years is some sick kind of trophy whereby he can remind himself of what he did all those years ago, urgh. There’s something deeply troubling about his continued contact.

OP, talk to a professional. His wife and grown up kids are not your concern, they are his and him being held accountable for his past behaviour is the risk he took. Why should you and most probably others be the only ones to be scarred by this deplorable excuse of a human.

mummytrex · 31/12/2024 07:02

Regardless of the year it started, he abused his position of power.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 31/12/2024 07:09

If he’s still teaching then he needs reporting.
You won’t be the only one, OP.
He has kept in touch to control you.
Knew a man like this, worked with him, it went on for years, schools knew, he just got moved around. Different times when schools covered it up.
Eventually, a few parents who became aware went to the police.
He is an abuser and has access to vulnerable kids.
I would go to the police. Sorry it’s a bit brutal but he’s vile.

whereaw · 31/12/2024 07:11

What are the chances of starting this post and moments later the wife messages.

whereaw · 31/12/2024 07:12

Wait my mistake - I realise it was an old thread!!

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 31/12/2024 07:16

AgentJohnson · 31/12/2024 05:42

For all the ‘it was consensual’ posters out there, do you understand the practice of grooming? He was a fucking teacher for gods sake, he knew what he was doing was wrong but did it anyway. The OP was impressionable and he was a sleazy scumbag who prioritised himself at the expense of a young impressionable girl.

This scumbag of a human targeted the Op and used his position of trust and the power imbalance to get what he wanted from her, the chances that the OP was the only one, are slim to none. Him keeping in touch with her all these years is some sick kind of trophy whereby he can remind himself of what he did all those years ago, urgh. There’s something deeply troubling about his continued contact.

OP, talk to a professional. His wife and grown up kids are not your concern, they are his and him being held accountable for his past behaviour is the risk he took. Why should you and most probably others be the only ones to be scarred by this deplorable excuse of a human.

As a young teacher I saw it in action with an older male teacher. He always ‘chose’ vulnerable girls. Because confident girls had their own lives, own boyfriends, strong family ties. But vulnerable girls hero-worshipped him.
One girl confided in me very worried about her friend. I went straight to the Head. And suddenly he has a new job in a new school and the girl in question tried to kill herself.
It went on for years and years. And it was far more common than I realised. The very first job I got was to replace a male teacher who was just about to marry a girl who was turning 16. A very respectable man in his 40’s, never a whiff of scandal, suddenly left as he was sleeping with a 15-year-old girl. Only it’s not ‘sleeping with’ it’s child abuse.
These men leave a trail of destruction. I know he has kids, but his kids aren’t more important than children have been abused.
I can distinctly remember a young male maths teacher saying to me once that he’d just met the girl he wanted to marry. A new female teacher had just started and I joked he’d just fallen for Jenny from Geography, and he wasn’t alone in it. He explained, no, it was a girl in his new Year 7 form group. He said he was going to wait five years for her.
During those first few years I heard a constant stream of conversations about which pupils male staff would have a crack at if they were allowed. It seemed to be part of the culture and it made me feel sick.
While OP seems to have got on with her life, there will be girls who have had their lives ruined.

Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 09:22

@PeggyMitchellsCameo could I ask what County? Or are you unhappy to put it on here. May be DM me.

I am beginning to think this is more common than I ever imagined !

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 31/12/2024 09:30

Easy for me to say I know, but I’d accept her friend request and see if she messages you. You can obv message without needing to add a friend in most cases - maybe she wanted to scare the shit out of him? But maybe she wants to ask you for the validation she is married to a monster so she can leave him with a clear conscience?

Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 09:36

@Sceptical123

I thank you for your message. I get what you mean but it's easy for you to say. I guess once I've clicked yes that's that. May be she did want to scare shit out of him - but don't work as he is still going on.

OP posts:
User346897543 · 31/12/2024 09:41

He was in a position of trust so was breaking the law even if you were 16. He's a predator and groomed you. The constant messaging is because he knows the shit he could be in and wants to keep you on side.
Does he still teach ? You are probably not the only victim
Report

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 31/12/2024 09:48

wingliner · 31/12/2024 09:22

@PeggyMitchellsCameo could I ask what County? Or are you unhappy to put it on here. May be DM me.

I am beginning to think this is more common than I ever imagined !

United Kingdom. It was 30 years ago now but the male teacher who got moved has only just been struck off from teaching recently.
He is nearly 60 now and while the sexual relationships - and I mean abuse - had lessened he’d moved onto
coercive control.
He is a very manipulative, dangerous individual.

Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 09:48

@User346897543

Yeh he does still teach.

Yeh I am beginning more and more aware that I am probably not the only one. Problem is it's makes me think that every person he is with could potentially be another me.

He can't be very twisted and manipulative in that way. He has been spending time with someone at the moment and I know the photos and the tagged post are done to try and trigger me to contact him.

OP posts:
fashionqueen0123 · 31/12/2024 09:54

I would see what his wife wants to say. Maybe the poor woman is going out of her mind. I’d want to take some control back.

Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 09:54

@fashionqueen0123 yes. I know I would be.

OP posts:
LAMPS1 · 31/12/2024 09:59

OP, I can’t imagine how triggering this must be for you.
But I agree with a previous poster in that I would accept her friend request and then see if she reveals what she wants from you. It may lead to a way to make your decision-making clearer for you, instead of enduring this festering injustice.
Good luck either way!

Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 10:06

Accepted

OP posts:
Catoo · 31/12/2024 10:22

Take care OP.

I very much doubt his wife will be anything but loyal to him.

He will have asked her to friend you to find out if you are Ok. He’ll say to her that he’s worried about you, as you have MH issues or some nonsense. Even if she has worked out the school connection he’ll have a story about how he was protecting you as you had a massive crush on him and would turn up at his house and how eventually you accepted he could only be a friend etc etc.

Continue to take your time with everything else. I hope you have a good therapist to help you work out what is best for you going forward.

💐

Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 10:24

@Catoo
He may say that but I have texts n emails that say different. V different.

OP posts: