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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need advice and quick

184 replies

wingliner · 03/08/2024 01:48

Hi.
I am going to give a very brief summary. Minimal detail and now names.
Short version.
Whilst at school I had a sexual relationship with a teacher. I know now it was wrong but at the time I didn’t.
Recently I have met up with friends and we brought with us lots of photos. There was one photo that brought back memories. A school trip in particular. I know that it was that day it all started with him.
When discussing the trip , my friends were adamant that it was a particular year that would mean I was 15 soon to be 16. Where as I thought this all started when I was 16 nearly 17.
I have stayed in contact with him all these years and even he says I was nearly 17. But my friends that trip was in this particularly year.
I am shocked and started to feel
a-bit unwell thinking that it all started when I was 15.

I haven’t really viewed it as wrong all my life. He charmed or some would say groomed me into thinking it was normal. Well and that’s where I am today.

He has always stayed in touch with me, always.

any advice.

OP posts:
Redruby2020 · 31/12/2024 01:35

Dillydollydingdong · 03/08/2024 02:13

Put it behind you and move on. What good will it to to drag it all up now, many years later? And you may or not have been 16. It was consensual, you participated willingly, and it's not as though you were a young child being exploited. Do you really want the police involved now, and have to go through a court case?

He was her teacher 🤔

Notanotherdick · 31/12/2024 01:35

wingliner · 31/12/2024 01:28

@Notanotherdick no long story but I will cut it short, i miscarried at 11 weeks. Those 11 weeks were v v stressful. I didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to do. Of course he didn't. Did stress cause it. I dunno prob. Was it for best? I dunno. He wouldn't have been around but it was heartbreaking at same time as it was part of me. I'd only just got my head around it.

He says now he regrets not being there for me for that. But I don't know if it's just words.

That is such a lot to deal with, on top of him just generally using his power to violate his position. I am so so sorry for your loss, of both your sexual life and for that first baby. It sounds like there was a lot of trauma and it's coming to a head?

Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 01:35

I'm thinking year 10/11
But I remember a lot of effort grooming from his side. A lot of conversations to find out more about me. What I did outside school. Where I lived. Who with. People I liked. Those I didn't.

All in prep I would suggest

OP posts:
Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 01:37

Thank you.
I came to terms with my loss.
Didn't have a choice. I had an education to finish.

It is all coming to a head yes.
It's in my dreams.
It's in my thoughts.
I think I need Closure.

OP posts:
Redruby2020 · 31/12/2024 01:38

wingliner · 30/12/2024 23:33

I have read all your messages and I thank every single one of you for your opinions and your advice.

It seems that things have taken quite a turn.

I got a friend request from his wife .... I couldn't believe it but then he messaged me asking if everything was okay? And that his wife has said she had a friend request from me.

I ignored me
I ignored her

What do I do
What do i say

So did you friend request her first?

Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 01:42

@Redruby2020 no. I didn't friend request her. She friend requested me and I left it on my socials. But he contacted me saying she'd told him I'd sent her one. I have two thoughts here

  1. he controls her social media

2 ) she wanted to see his reaction when she said that

But over the years I've had plenty of opportunities to tell her and contact her and I have always stayed true to myself

OP posts:
Notanotherdick · 31/12/2024 01:44

What's this bringing up? What does your gut say?

Redruby2020 · 31/12/2024 01:45

wingliner · 31/12/2024 01:42

@Redruby2020 no. I didn't friend request her. She friend requested me and I left it on my socials. But he contacted me saying she'd told him I'd sent her one. I have two thoughts here

  1. he controls her social media

2 ) she wanted to see his reaction when she said that

But over the years I've had plenty of opportunities to tell her and contact her and I have always stayed true to myself

Ah yes okay I see what you mean, she may have wanted to see his reaction to get an idea of who you are.
But how would she have come across you.

Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 01:46

The reason we fell out most recently he because he asked me to lie about something significant. I was out on a night out and btw we live in the same town. He was out with friends and he asked me to lie about how I knew him. He made up some story that he wanted me to repeat. I refused. Point blank refused. That's what got me thinking.

He has shame.
That's why he wanted me to lie to them.

OP posts:
HollyKnight · 31/12/2024 01:47

He doesn't have shame. He just doesn't want people to know he is a pervert.

Notanotherdick · 31/12/2024 01:49

wingliner · 31/12/2024 01:46

The reason we fell out most recently he because he asked me to lie about something significant. I was out on a night out and btw we live in the same town. He was out with friends and he asked me to lie about how I knew him. He made up some story that he wanted me to repeat. I refused. Point blank refused. That's what got me thinking.

He has shame.
That's why he wanted me to lie to them.

And what does that mean for you?

Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 01:49

@HollyKnight
You are probably right.
I had a few wines that night and i was furious that he wanted me to lie. Tbh I probably wouldn't have been able to remember the story he wanted me to tell him. He wanted me to act all call and not like I was 12 years younger than him.

OP posts:
Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 01:50

@HollyKnight act all cool

OP posts:
Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 01:52

@Notanotherdick it means he wants me to lie about how we know other because he doesn't want his friends to know that I was his pupil. The pupil he slept with over and over again. The one that he got pregnant and then didn't know what to do. He would not want them to know that cos they would probably all deck him.

OP posts:
Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 01:54

I'm angry how he could have treated me like that.

His mates def knew something wasn't right that night.

OP posts:
Notanotherdick · 31/12/2024 01:56

You are angry for you, now? Or for your 15 year old self?

Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 01:58

@Notanotherdick
I feel sorry for my 15 year self
I feel sorry for myself now as it's clearly impacted me all these years
How could he of enjoyed talking to a 15 year old me
We had nothing in common

OP posts:
Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 02:02

@Notanotherdick
My home life was v up and down as u may have gathered which allowed me to be out and about weekend and evening. I could stay out and questions were not asked

Which allowed freedom to do this

They didn't live together so his house was free a lot

He had neighbours
Maybe they had no idea
Who knows

I would stay the night and then see him at school in morning

What!!!!!!

Or we'd be up all night texting and then I see him in a suit at work

Brain killer

He said he panicked at times / your telling me!

OP posts:
Notanotherdick · 31/12/2024 02:02

You were 15 then and vulnerable. You are not that same person and you know how to parent yourself now against these people. It sounds like you want to prove that to yourself, of maybe break out of the power imbalance?

Tikityboo · 31/12/2024 02:07

wingliner · 31/12/2024 01:35

I'm thinking year 10/11
But I remember a lot of effort grooming from his side. A lot of conversations to find out more about me. What I did outside school. Where I lived. Who with. People I liked. Those I didn't.

All in prep I would suggest

He has committed a crime.

In the UK the age of consent is 16 EXCEPT where the older participant is in a position of trsut or authority - then the age of consent is 18+.

He is/was a predator - he groomed you and even if you 'consented' he broke CSA law. This wasnt an accident he would have been trained in safeguarding.

I am sorry this has happened to you. You were not his first or his last - these types are prolific. Seek professional support for yourself before you decide what options are open to you and what steps you want to ake or not and when.

BendyLikeBeckham · 31/12/2024 02:08

OP, you can call the NAPAC helpline confidentially and talk things through. They can also arrange free counselling. You need to work things out in your own head before you make any decisions, and have support in place for yourself. napac.org.uk/calling-our-support-line/

Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 02:10

@Notanotherdick yeh 15
Vulnerable probably?

People who know me now would not say I was vulnerable and certainly wouldn't expect this to be an experience of mine? All the experiences I had with him I mean.

Between him and I there is no power imbalance I have the power I know that

But he pushes and pushes
To start with it was I love you I wanna be with you. I can't go a day without being in contact with you. But now I have to block him. Do u know how many times I've had to talk myself out of knocking on his door. But I don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 02:12

@BendyLikeBeckham
Thank you for the link

OP posts:
Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 02:18

@Tikityboo

Thank you
I have had days when my mental health really struggled and each day I felt worse. But I'm not there anymore and don't feel any of those thoughts.
But it's the non believers
The well she agreed
The no harm done people
The she wanted sex with him

One evening left school and he text me inviting me to his house where he would then be alone with me. No one knew I was there. No one knew who he had invited. That night we kissed and slept together. That morning I got up as normal, a perfectly normal morning and do you think that just happened by chance. I went because I thought I can trust this man and he invited me cos he knew I wouldn't tell. No school next day so I got on with my weekend until the next weekend. He would have been hundred sure he gf was staying out out. That's for sure.

OP posts:
Notanotherdick · 31/12/2024 02:18

wingliner · 31/12/2024 02:10

@Notanotherdick yeh 15
Vulnerable probably?

People who know me now would not say I was vulnerable and certainly wouldn't expect this to be an experience of mine? All the experiences I had with him I mean.

Between him and I there is no power imbalance I have the power I know that

But he pushes and pushes
To start with it was I love you I wanna be with you. I can't go a day without being in contact with you. But now I have to block him. Do u know how many times I've had to talk myself out of knocking on his door. But I don't.

When i say vulnerable, I mean you were in a setting were someone who had access to you in a professional setting, decided to prey on you instead. You were meant to be protected to begin with. That was not your fault.