I need advice and quick

[wingliner]

Hi.
I am going to give a very brief summary. Minimal detail and now names.
Short version.
Whilst at school I had a sexual relationship with a teacher. I know now it was wrong but at the time I didn’t.
Recently I have met up with friends and we brought with us lots of photos. There was one photo that brought back memories. A school trip in particular. I know that it was that day it all started with him.
When discussing the trip , my friends were adamant that it was a particular year that would mean I was 15 soon to be 16. Where as I thought this all started when I was 16 nearly 17.
I have stayed in contact with him all these years and even he says I was nearly 17. But my friends that trip was in this particularly year.
I am shocked and started to feel
a-bit unwell thinking that it all started when I was 15.

I haven’t really viewed it as wrong all my life. He charmed or some would say groomed me into thinking it was normal. Well and that’s where I am today.

He has always stayed in touch with me, always.

any advice.

This
Sinister is the right word to use, I think it's a bit scary to be honest, please speak to someone in real life.

I hope you are OK OP.
My advice to you, is to seek professional counselling to unravel your feelings.

The gravity of his conduct has suddenly become apparent to you with the reminder of the dates from your old school friends.
He groomed you and took advantage of you at a time when you were too young to consent. And is still continuing to take advantage all these years later. He expects you to ease his guilt and worry for his future, with a daily phone call, under the pretext of friendship.
You are right OP, all of it is wrong, very wrong. And none of it was your fault.
But you are now aware of the scale and gravity of it.

Only you can decide what to do and there is no rush. Allow a counsellor to help you discover how to deal with it in the best way for you.
In the meantime, with your new realisation, you can’t continue to assuage his anxiety and guilt with his daily phone call.
I would text him and tell him that you are receiving help to consider your options over what he did to you while you were in his care at school and that you are blocking him. Or just block him anyway without texting. You owe him nothing.

Good luck with coming to terms with what happened to you OP. Do what is right for you.

If you’ve stayed in touch EVERY day since it happened and meet up in person there must still be a strong connection so why is he married to somebody else? Were you angry? Indifferent? Does he get jealous and possessive when you are in relationships? Have you been able to have other relationships since it happened? Was he single when it started? Were you ever a couple when you left school?

Its obvious why it started from his end - power,control, sex with a much younger, impressionable girl but how did he justify not wanting pursue a ‘legitimate’ relationship with you years later if he made you feel so special before?

How did you meet his current wife? Is your relationship with him still romantic or purely platonic now?

You will be a very scary element to his life OP, as others have said, bc you literally have the power to end his career, marriage, family life, home and potentially send him to prison. Ironically you probably feel that he has been the one all these years with all the power over you, but it’s just one scheming, self-serving bluff by him.

It’s not ok and at 15/16 you were groomed by this man. He was in a position of authority and you were a child in his care. He has probably done it to others too.

you don’t have to report him, but you’re obviously realising what happened.

if anyone on thread is struggling to understand this I suggest reading ‘His Dark Vanessa’ which is about exactly this.

A child can't consent! He was in a position of power and I'd be surprised if she wasn't the only one.

It’s very tricky when our perspective changes over time as we’re left questioning what’s right and true.

As a teenage girl you probably felt like you were consenting and had agency; presumably there was enjoyment and excitement. Many years later, you likely look at things differently now: with disgust, or you may question where the power really lay.

Both things can be valid and true, even though they’re contradictory.

It’s a bit odd that it’s only the possibility that you were 15 that’s made you question things. That suggests your thinking might be a bit rigid. It was an abuse of power whether you were 15 or 17. At the same time, I don’t think that divesting young women/girls of all agency, power, or ability to consent is progressive. And many interactions - age difference or not - can be positive or abusive.

It really does come down to whether you feel this man is a danger to others, and whether you think you have a responsibility to others to prevent him harming young girls in the future.

I had relationships with older men in my teens that make me cringe now. But none of them were a danger to anyone, I was a willing participant and won’t be shopping them to the police 20 years later because I can see things differently now.

@EveningSpread

I agree that perspective does change over time - what you thought was ok at 15 may take a while for you to realise it indeed was not OK.
I have thought about that time when it all started the behaviour, the texting me - my very first question is why would a teacher be texting a 15 year old and be persistent with his texts. What was the aim?

It isn't just that I was just 15.
He has recently asked me to lie, which is something I don't do and my question was 'why do you want me to lie?

I understand it was abuse of power the entire time I was there in education.

It is really hard for me to judge whether I feel he is a danger to others: how would I know that. If he did with others what he did with me then yes of course he is - but I can't tell from speaking, being with me. Can I?

I think lots of people have had relationships or even just sex with older people and this isn't about an age gap it is about the fact that it started at 15, he had a position of trust and he continued to sleep with me knowing it was wrong time and time again.

I consented - if I could consent at that age - and I was willing again if I could be willing.

Did I really know what I was getting myself into.

It is about shopping him to the Police is it

It’s both strange and concerning that you’re still in touch, even though he’s married with kids. It suggests and ongoing entanglement. And very concerning that he’s asking you to lie - about what and why? I wouldn’t do that for anyone.

If I were you I would cut all contact, and tell the truth if and when required. But that’s easy for me to say without all the details!

@Sceptical123

Yes we have been in touch everyday, some more than others depending on what we are doing. If that makes sense.
Why did he marry someone else? I don't know. Well he has explained why he did. But that could all have been lies couldn't it.

Was I angry when he got married. No not angry, we were never going to be together together so why would I get angry at him marrying someone.

My relationships - he has never been that keen on them or the person I should say.

Yes I have had successful relationships since.

He wasn't single no.

A couple after school. No - that could have never been as people would have known how we met.

I get the power, control, sex etc but in regard to a legitimate relationship - I'm not sure how that could have worked. Everyone would have known how we met and there would have been huge question marks about when did it actually start? Surely ?

Met his wife on a night out in a local town, and then bumped into a few times over the years. We also have a few mutual professional friends.

We have a connection still.

I wonder whether because I am a scary element to his life whether that is why he keeps me close. I don't know. That is such a scary thing to even consider.

I only have my word and details that potentially would be hard for people to deny.

End family def
End career def

Prison - I am not so sure.

@LAMPS1

Hi, I am ok thanks.
I think counselling is def something I need to do, to try and understand all of this and mainly understand myself.
Your right the gravity is now def very real - as I always had the date of that particular trip. I say charmed you say groomed.
I just don't know what to do.
I've blocked him and he has made a different profile and contacted me with that.
I can't text him that - I think if I say that he will start getting his story straight. That I am lying etc

You're right I have to come to terms that I was a victim and that is very hard to come to terms with.

He's got his story straight years ago . Of course he has thought this through . He will just deny deny deny with a no comment interview.

@FluffyLemonClouds

Story straight years ago, you think?
There so much I know and some much a could describe, the house for a start? How would I know that. I wouldn't. Dates and times. Yeh your right he probably would deny deny deny and no comment interview but doesn't mean it didn't happen. Also why would I report him years later if it wasn't true. It's been sat on my shoulders all this time and I have been finally given a date and an actual photo from the actual day.

Looking at that photo is hard. The day before that was taken I was a perfectly normal girl that day not so much.

When I was at school there was a teacher just like this. He was married with a young son and he was having sex with a 15 year old girl. She was the older sister of my best friend. Her mother even went to him and begged him to leave her alone or she would report him (this was early 80s). He pursued her endlessly. No one did anything. I was horrified years later, when my son started at that school to find this guy was still there and was now the Deputy Head. My son said all the girls thought he was creepy. He also kept in touch with my friend's sister over the years, I suspect he was trying to "normalise" their relationship. He's now retired but I wish someone had reported him and I worry how many other girls did he groom and abuse over the years, because that's what it was.

Thanks for taking the time to answer OP, I hope you get the support you need and this man gets what he deserves and is hopefully not subjecting any other kids to his predatory sexual advances. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision

Your ignoring the current child protection issue.

I'm not saying what happened to you wasn't true, but what I am saying is he will have thought it through and has come up with a defence if the shit hits the fan . It's like men who sexually assault women .i believe they have weighed up the consequences in their head and what to say or do if the shit hits the fan . People do what the think they can get away with

Your first post was bad enough.

It just got worse. He has a control over you.

It's wrong for a teacher to have a relationship with a pupil, full stop. It would have been just as wrong whether you were 16-17 or whether you were 15-16, because he was your teacher.

He has now grown up

He was an adult employed as a teacher. He was 'grown up' then. There is no way he didn't know exactly what he was doing at the time.

Is he still a teacher? Because he really, really shouldn't be.

I thought in a position of Teacher /Student that the cut off was 18.However regardless he has taken advantage, of you and no doubt stolen you virginity as well.I would agree to report him if you feel able to.

Do you want to be interviewed by the police about this and cross examined about your doubt? What will it do to your friendships? How would it benefit you? The idea of closure can be a myth. Have you thought about counselling?

So just take your time to consider what you want to do.
He has had years to get his story straight and his freedom all depends on you staying in his control every day. He knows that.
So yes, now that you have blocked him, he will be desperate. And far less charming! He will deny and he will make you out to be the liar. He will go to any lengths. Block his new profile.

The implications of you reporting him are enormous but not insurmountable if you have proper support. The police will believe you if you make a report. But you have to decide if you are ready for that onslaught or not. It doesn’t matter how much time it takes for you to decide. And it’s your decision alone. If you eventually decide it’s easier on you to let it go and put it down to experience then that’s what you must do, just as long as you are no longer under his control. Removing yourself from his control is a good, positive, achievement in itself, as a way to start the self-healing process.

I’m sorry you are going through this realisation. It affects everything. You end up with a whole new reality that you didn’t particularly want.
Make sure you have professional help if you can afford it …or at least a good close friend or family member to confide in. You can get through it OP.
Very best wishes to you.

Make sure you prioritise your own self and well being over everything.

How long ago was this? When did the law on position of trust over 16-18 year olds come in? (Was it sexual offences act 2003, or an earlier act?)

If before then, you need to look for more clues as to your age at the time to figure out if you were over 16 when things turned sexual. I'm a bit surprised you don't remember for sure, but I think you should trust your own memory over that of old friends discussing a school trip (in my mind they're more likely to be wrong, or you're not making the right timeline connection between the trip and the relationship).

Any person working in a school, regardless of their position in the school, knows that a relationship with a student under 18 is forbidden. The age of consent is completely irrelevant, in this situation. A person working in a school, is in a 'position of trust', and that is why it's forbidden. You must know how old you were?! To leave school in the June/July after taking exams, depending on when your birthday is, you'd be 15 or 16. If your birthday is September-December, you'd have been 17 later in the year. How old, you were is irrelevant, you were under 18, and he would be in the shit. He was the adult at the time, not you. I would suggest some counselling to talk through your feelings. Probably the most important question - is he still teaching? You would have to be prepared for the fact you've kept in touch, to be used against you by his lawyers. To be dragged through the mud, emotionally, mentally and probably called a liar too. Yes, he'd lose everything. Only you can decide what to do.