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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need advice and quick

184 replies

wingliner · 03/08/2024 01:48

Hi.
I am going to give a very brief summary. Minimal detail and now names.
Short version.
Whilst at school I had a sexual relationship with a teacher. I know now it was wrong but at the time I didn’t.
Recently I have met up with friends and we brought with us lots of photos. There was one photo that brought back memories. A school trip in particular. I know that it was that day it all started with him.
When discussing the trip , my friends were adamant that it was a particular year that would mean I was 15 soon to be 16. Where as I thought this all started when I was 16 nearly 17.
I have stayed in contact with him all these years and even he says I was nearly 17. But my friends that trip was in this particularly year.
I am shocked and started to feel
a-bit unwell thinking that it all started when I was 15.

I haven’t really viewed it as wrong all my life. He charmed or some would say groomed me into thinking it was normal. Well and that’s where I am today.

He has always stayed in touch with me, always.

any advice.

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 31/12/2024 10:38

Do not let yourself be rushed into anything. Stay in control.

Your priority should be to do right by yourself, no one else is your responsibility.

Do what will give you closure, there are no right or wrong answers. Only what will heal you the best.

Tikityboo · 31/12/2024 10:42

CatherinedeBourgh · 31/12/2024 10:38

Do not let yourself be rushed into anything. Stay in control.

Your priority should be to do right by yourself, no one else is your responsibility.

Do what will give you closure, there are no right or wrong answers. Only what will heal you the best.

This is very important.

Seek professional advice (from anonymous helpline posted earlier).

Dont do anything knee-jerk. Be aware that you may get triggered by what she does or says.

Take care of yourself first.

Catoo · 31/12/2024 10:44

wingliner · 31/12/2024 10:24

@Catoo
He may say that but I have texts n emails that say different. V different.

His only option will be to lie about it for as long as he can get away with it.

He will be very worried now.

Put yourself first OP.
You don’t owe anything to anyone but yourself.

💐

Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 10:57

If he is worried
I don't care
I will care later but right now I don't

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 31/12/2024 11:02

Do you mean it definitely wasn't A-level year? I remember doing a geography field trip in year 10. I can't imagine any trips taking place in year 11 but others on here will have children that age and may know.

Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 11:03

@healthybychristmas
Yeh it def wasn't 6th form
As there were people on that trip that left in Yr 11 and went to college

And if I look at myself in this picture I can't see myself being 6th form

OP posts:
User346897543 · 31/12/2024 11:03

We do geog field trips in years 10 and 11

Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 11:04

@User346897543 I have messaged a friend

OP posts:
Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 11:05

@User346897543 I am waiting for a reply

OP posts:
Catoo · 31/12/2024 11:11

wingliner · 31/12/2024 10:57

If he is worried
I don't care
I will care later but right now I don't

I’m not saying you should care. But it will mean he is making up all sorts of lies to his wife about you. He’s had years to think about what these lies would be.

Please consider ringing a helpline today if you can. It feels like you are in a difficult place with all this at the moment you need some support.

💐

Midnight19 · 31/12/2024 11:16

I've not read the whole thread but wanted to make you aware that a counsellor may report this to the police as they have a duty of care to children.

User346897543 · 31/12/2024 11:17

You're doing well op, be proud of yourself. I suspect you're the tip of a very big iceberg with regards to this man's behaviour

Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 11:18

@Midnight19 thanks for your message. Yeh I made reference to that earlier (sorry I know you mentioned you haven't read the whole thread) but I understand that if I disclosed it then cos there may be risk to other children they would have a duty of care to report it. That's what's stopping me from blowing my whole world up.

OP posts:
Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 11:19

@User346897543

When I think about the tip of the ice berg - it's makes me feel a little bit sick.
I just dunno know how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 11:21

So I am left with that question of

What do I do

I can't report him secretly as there would be no victim

If I go to a counsellor they will report

I have no idea

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 31/12/2024 11:23

I had a relationship in college with a teacher. I was over the age of consent though. Now a day’s he would be sacked

Catoo · 31/12/2024 11:23

wingliner · 31/12/2024 11:18

@Midnight19 thanks for your message. Yeh I made reference to that earlier (sorry I know you mentioned you haven't read the whole thread) but I understand that if I disclosed it then cos there may be risk to other children they would have a duty of care to report it. That's what's stopping me from blowing my whole world up.

You don’t have to give the counsellor his name or school or subject etc.

Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 11:24

@Zanatdy

The age of consent is centred here

Was it when you had left ?

OP posts:
NeddieSeagoonsSteamPoweredTelephone · 31/12/2024 11:32

wingliner · 31/12/2024 11:24

@Zanatdy

The age of consent is centred here

Was it when you had left ?

I don’t think the age of consent is a factor in either case, at all. It’s prohibited for someone in loco parentis to have a relationship with the young person, regardless of age. Don’t focus on the wrong thing here. A man in a position of responsibility for young people can never have a relationship with one of them, even if at university and therefore both adults. It was, and is, wrong, and you have been exploited and abused.

ReshapetheBrain · 31/12/2024 11:34

It is a really difficult one. If it was me, I would probably do nothing at this point - on the basis that it is water under the bridge from a very long time ago. But then I am great at burying my head in the sand and compartmentalising my life. The fall out from all sides could be vast.

If my gut feeling was telling me that this man was potentially dangerous - e.g. he could be doing what he did with you all those years ago to other teen girls or children, then I think I would employ the services of a very discrete private detective to check him out and see if they could find anything worrying or disturbing and take it from there.

It is a balance isn't it.

FeliznaviDogs · 31/12/2024 11:35

wingliner · 31/12/2024 11:24

@Zanatdy

The age of consent is centred here

Was it when you had left ?

Was it after the new statute in 2003? Is that when it occurred? If so then it’s clear cut. If prior to this I think it would still be (as I agree it was) child abuse. Sorry - I realise that’s a bit of a black and white view and you’re struggling and it’s a huge thing to realise this has happened to you.

Have you tried calling the helpline offered earlier? I think they could really help you, even just by getting it all out in the open. Typing here is triggering but it’s a whole other massive thing just saying it out loud to someone. 🫂 I can’t imagine how you’re feeling. You need to care of yourself as it’s you that we’re all worried about.

Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 11:49

@FeliznaviDogs

Before that date

I've uploaded a photo to a group chat of friends of an event when I remember was the first time something happened. The year before that it was just texting and what I now know to be grooming. I have been informed the year was yr 11 made me 15-16.

This friend says there was something this man said on the trip which still disturbs her to this day - I've asked her what it was.... I'm beginning to think I don't want to know.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 31/12/2024 11:51

wingliner · 31/12/2024 11:24

@Zanatdy

The age of consent is centred here

Was it when you had left ?

It was whilst he was teaching me, an A level course. Over age of consent but as he was in a position of trust, shouldn’t have happened. Even in the mid 90’s. Later found out that I wasn’t the only one. I did see him around a decade later but no longer in touch. Your case is different, do have a think about reporting.

Knowitall69 · 31/12/2024 11:52

This thread is fecking mental.

Utterly depressed at how many people think that teachers can have sex with students as long as they are 16.

He was a TEACHER.

A T.E.A.C.H.E.R..... say it with me everyone ....

A TEACHER.

Teachers CAN NOT have sex with students. It's pretty simple really.

He needs reporting. O.P. you deserve better.

Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 11:54

@Zanatdy so once you found out the were the only one. What did you do ?

Age of consent doesn't matter with teachers it's all about the position of trust ...

OP posts:
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