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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need advice and quick

184 replies

wingliner · 03/08/2024 01:48

Hi.
I am going to give a very brief summary. Minimal detail and now names.
Short version.
Whilst at school I had a sexual relationship with a teacher. I know now it was wrong but at the time I didn’t.
Recently I have met up with friends and we brought with us lots of photos. There was one photo that brought back memories. A school trip in particular. I know that it was that day it all started with him.
When discussing the trip , my friends were adamant that it was a particular year that would mean I was 15 soon to be 16. Where as I thought this all started when I was 16 nearly 17.
I have stayed in contact with him all these years and even he says I was nearly 17. But my friends that trip was in this particularly year.
I am shocked and started to feel
a-bit unwell thinking that it all started when I was 15.

I haven’t really viewed it as wrong all my life. He charmed or some would say groomed me into thinking it was normal. Well and that’s where I am today.

He has always stayed in touch with me, always.

any advice.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 31/12/2024 11:55

wingliner · 31/12/2024 11:54

@Zanatdy so once you found out the were the only one. What did you do ?

Age of consent doesn't matter with teachers it's all about the position of trust ...

I didn’t and haven’t done anything about it. I am 48 now, and don’t personally want to do anything about it. Hopefully if he carried on, he will have got sacked.

Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 11:57

@Zanatdy
I understand that
I guess mine is a little different
I was prayed on years before your age it happened

Then lied to and then I was asked to lie most recently

Turns out I was right

OP posts:
Knowitall69 · 31/12/2024 12:11

ReshapetheBrain · 31/12/2024 11:34

It is a really difficult one. If it was me, I would probably do nothing at this point - on the basis that it is water under the bridge from a very long time ago. But then I am great at burying my head in the sand and compartmentalising my life. The fall out from all sides could be vast.

If my gut feeling was telling me that this man was potentially dangerous - e.g. he could be doing what he did with you all those years ago to other teen girls or children, then I think I would employ the services of a very discrete private detective to check him out and see if they could find anything worrying or disturbing and take it from there.

It is a balance isn't it.

Utterly ridiculous advice.

CountessWindyBottom · 31/12/2024 12:43

You don’t have to do anything right away. And I certainly wouldn’t be engaging with his ‘wife’.

Phone the rape crisis centre and look for some advice re counselling and next steps so that you can best prepare yourself for what you decide to do.

Original poster
wingliner · 31/12/2024 12:55

You are all right
I need time to process this all
It's a lot
ALOT

And there just more coming and coming

OP posts:
Grannyinnwaiting · 31/12/2024 13:14

I would avoid doing anything on the basis of the pain it is likely to cause you over a secret you've managed to live with for a very long time. I certainly would have no further contact nor engage with him wife.

PennyApril54 · 31/12/2024 14:32

Take your time op. It's a tricky time of year as it is. If you can take a break away from thinking about it I'd recommend that at least for a day or 2. All the messages will still be here for you to come back and read again with fresh eyes when you feel ready.

BendyLikeBeckham · 31/12/2024 18:57

wingliner · 31/12/2024 11:18

@Midnight19 thanks for your message. Yeh I made reference to that earlier (sorry I know you mentioned you haven't read the whole thread) but I understand that if I disclosed it then cos there may be risk to other children they would have a duty of care to report it. That's what's stopping me from blowing my whole world up.

OP, if you contact NAPAC or any counsellor, you don't have to tell them his identity. They have no safeguarding duty to report him if they don't know who he is. You can tell them you aren't ready yet to disclose who he is, and that is extremely common. That support is for YOU to process all of this and help you make a decision about what to do next. You may choose eventually to report him, or you may not. That is in your control. Don't let this fear stop you getting therapy or other help.

Notanotherdick · 01/01/2025 02:01

Hope you are okay @wingliner

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