I need advice and quick

[wingliner]

Hi.
I am going to give a very brief summary. Minimal detail and now names.
Short version.
Whilst at school I had a sexual relationship with a teacher. I know now it was wrong but at the time I didn’t.
Recently I have met up with friends and we brought with us lots of photos. There was one photo that brought back memories. A school trip in particular. I know that it was that day it all started with him.
When discussing the trip , my friends were adamant that it was a particular year that would mean I was 15 soon to be 16. Where as I thought this all started when I was 16 nearly 17.
I have stayed in contact with him all these years and even he says I was nearly 17. But my friends that trip was in this particularly year.
I am shocked and started to feel
a-bit unwell thinking that it all started when I was 15.

I haven’t really viewed it as wrong all my life. He charmed or some would say groomed me into thinking it was normal. Well and that’s where I am today.

He has always stayed in touch with me, always.

any advice.

I'm surprised at the number of people minimising this. Think about it. What are the chances that of all the adult women in the world this one 15/16 schoolgirl was the only person this adult man made a connection, and that she was just so irresistible that he risked his career to be with her? Wise up.

He targeted her. Predators like this know which girls are susceptible to grooming. They know how to test the waters. They know what bullshit to feed their target to convince her that she is special. And this fucker is still doing that. He keeps in contact with her so she will continue to think she was something special to him...and not blow his life up by realising the truth. The truth is she was not special to him. She was just his victim. And probably not the only one.

Predators don't stop being predators. They just get older and more sneaky.

And the posters who say it's in the past now. Forget about it. Wow.

I’m sorry you were let down by this man who had a duty of care to you. He was absolutely in the wrong whether you were 15,16 or 17.

Firstly, Google for professionally qualified counsellors. You may be able to get a session set up this weekend. Talk this through.

You don’t have to make any decisions about reporting him or not just yet. Your only responsibility at the moment is to yourself.

💐

What@Frogpole said.
100%

If you don't report he will continue to be an unchallenged sexual predator, free to abuse pupils in his care.

Changed named as more current as I don't wear wingliner anymore lol

Thank you for all your replies.

In regard to my age, I was giving you the school years and age. The trip was a basis for course work - I did the subject at both GCSE and A level and it was a long time ago. So that why the timing hasn't always been right in my head. The relationship went on for quite some time your talking 3 years give or take and I have remained in contact with him ever since.

@BlastedPimples

I am to a little amazed at the posts that say it was consensual. I wasn't really expected that but I guess that's want happens when someone like me posts something like that. I don't think we were equals in any shape or form.

I do remember feeling very confused at the time and not quite understanding why one minute he would speak to me and then next not. Wasn't a nice environment.

I don't think they would be happy with their own 15 children sleeping with a very older man. Once, twice or repeatedly.

I think I would feel guilty if he lots everything but guess that's because I have been made to feel like that.

The guilt is not yours op. None of it.

You could well be saving other young girls from the same predatory grooming.

He's foul.

I'm sorry this happened to you. A year is neither here nor there, neither is the 'when' to be honest. Even if times have changed a lot, no decent grown man would have been having sex with a school girl in his care. It's predatory behaviour.

However you are not responsible for any hypothetical other behaviour of his, or for any other children. You are responsible for doing what is best for yourself here. It's you who was exposed to a situation you should have been protected from. You were at school to learn, not be groomed. You're also absolutely not responsible for his lifestyle now.

I would start with counselling. Im not saying you'd necessarily refer to this as rape, but if you call Rape Crisis their queues for free treatment are long but they should be able to provide a list of some good qualified counsellors / therapists with experience of issues with a sexual element

Take your time in deciding whether to report or no. I would archive your messages for now even if not in case you change your mind.

Either find some counseling, or a way for you to reflect and process this. Be kind to yourself and decide what you want. Does it make any difference what age you were? Do you want to move on and leave it, or take some action? You didn't have much control about what happened then, but you do have control over what happens now and what you want to do in the future. No body else's opinion matters here, just what you want.

This. None of this was your fault OP. 16 or 17, he was in the wrong and some of the minimising and victim blaming on this thread is shocking

What sort of contact do you have now? Does his wife know about your contact

Hi OP - first off, I'm so sorry this happened to you - as others have said regardless of whether you were 15 or 16, he was still in the wrong. The Sexual Offences Act 2003 made it an offence for a person in a position of power/authority (such as a teacher) to have sexual activity with anyone under the age of 18 - this does mean that if it occurred prior to 2003 it will not have been illegal at the time and therefore the police would not be able to prosecute (although it was clearly still wrong or would never have been made into an offence post 2003). Regardless, if you were to report it, the police would still make the relevant referrals (LADO etc) to ensure information was shared and the relevant professional bodies could investigate and deal/ensure that others are safe. If it did occur after 2003 than police would investigate (and still make the relevant referrals).

No teacher, male or female, should ever have a sexual relationship with a pupil. Every teacher knows this.
I find it odd he’s kept in touch with you and I suspect this is to keep you onside. You may not be the only teenage pupil he had sex with.
How you deal with it now is your choice. As pp have said it will help you to talk it over with someone you trust or a professional you don’t know.

You can report here if you wish. https://www.gov.uk/report-teacher-misconduct

You can contact the NSPCC to talk in confidence https://www.nspcc.org.uk/about-us/news-opinion/2021/report-abuse-education-helpline/

Whatever you choose to do look after yourself. 💐

There’s a reason he’s staying in touch with you. To keep you on friendly side/sweet and stop you from ever reporting his disgusting grooming.
Does he still work with children?

Can you talk to the friends you met the other night about it? Would that help you start to deal with this? Do you think there were other girls he was doing this to? A bigger picture may start to unfold.

Yes, this. Some awful replies on this thread.

@VeryStressedMum
The contact we have is texts, calls, coffees, lunches, afternoons out.
Does his wife know?
No, not at all.
I met her a years n years back - she didn't like me from the minute she met me.

She doesn't know anything about our friendship since it all happened.
He lies where he is going
Who he is with

As I'm typing this I am thinking

What he hell

I the reason for the quick advice is that I normally speak to him by text everyday and it's been like that for the whole time this went on. There is not a day goes by. But if he doesn't here from me it would be weird

Right now I am currently ignoring most of the calls and messages.

But if it carries on it will look odd. That's all.

Do you see now what kind of person he is? How sneaky and dishonest he is. I will bet my house that his wife does not know that every day of her marriage her husband has been texting the schoolgirl he used to sleep with.

If I'm honest I'd start with counselling or a good friend who didn't go to school with you. Not saying don't tell them ever or they aren't trustworthy, I don't know them. But they will have their own opinions on the man and the time and it may be less helpful than speaking to someone more impartial. At least to start with.

What is gained by taking action?

The OP is certain to suffer some fall-out herself if she does.

Is she 100% certain her friends are right about the date of the trip when the relationship started?

Forget it and live your live going forward is the only sensible answer.

Nobody at all benefits by taking any action and a great many people will suffer.

Could you live with that OP?

The more you post about this OP, the more sinister it becomes. It's alarming that he has kept in touch with you every day since this happened, and that he doesn't like it if you don't respond. He is controlling your life. And all hidden from his wife and family.

I think the scales are really starting to fall from your eyes now and hopefully any guilt you feel is beginning to go. He's been playing you all this time to protect himself. Please find someone IRL to talk to.

@BrigadierEtienneGerard the man is an abuser.

You think he should be allowed to continue? And maybe abuse other young teens?

I suspect your moral code and sense of justice is way way out.

So what if it looks odd OP?
You don’t owe him anything.

He will have been expecting this day to arrive. The day you start to realise what he did was wrong. The day you might decide to report him. That’s why he will be desperate to hear from you.

How are you feeling in yourself?
Have you managed to clarify in your mind when it started as this seems important to you? Are you planning to maybe talk this through with a counsellor?

💐