I've ruined my life by having a family

[Thirtylifecrisis]

Just as the title says really.

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.
I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on. As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with
Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

I spent a decade living like this.
I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in. Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.
He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh. My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.
We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was eachother and netflix.

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.
Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family. We had our baby.
DP got an IVA for his debts. We got a dog. I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra). We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.
Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended. He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

This was very long winded but so cathartic to write. So thank you for anyone who's read this.

You haven't ruined your life by having a family, let's be quite clear about that. You're ruining your life by staying with a partner you don't love.

I get that you wouldn't want him to end up in some shithole somewhere, but perhaps wiser people than I could help you work out a plan although it's ultimately his problem really. What's the problem, does he not work at all or do all his earnings go on servicing his debt?

What is the employment situation for you both now?
Are you married
Who owns the house
Where did he live before?
Could he go back?
How does he feel? Does he know how miserable you are?
Is there any possibility you have PND? Doesn't sound like it. You sound rational.

You need to move on before this drifts any deeper

Please read this knowing that I write it with compassion, not dismissiveness, I promise.

However, you have two young children, one only 6months old, and honestly you are tired and your body is still just full of hormones from pregnancy and birth - it takes over a year to settle down and is never the same again.

What you describe sounds like... life to me. If I knew you in real life, if you were my friend or sister, I would say please just deep breathe and hold your nerve for a while. You will feel better and life gets better. You're still in the storm - this is the hardest bit.

You haven’t ruined your life OP, you’re just not happy with it at the moment. Look at the positives - you’ve got two kids with someone who sounds a really decent man.

The negative is he just isn’t the man for you. That’s sad but if that’s the way you feel you’re doing him and you and the kids a disservice by staying for the sake of it. You really do only get one shot at your life so if I were in your position I wouldn’t stay with him, hard as it is. You can’t live unhappy.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, I can tell it felt good to write it all down.

I wish I had better advice for you but sometimes I like to view these things from the other side. Mentally, emotionally and sexually your mind seems to have been made up a long time ago. With that in mind, he deserves to be with someone who thinks of him how you probably wish you did! I know it's difficult but I think we'd all resent someone staying with us out of pity and preventing us going on to find someone who truly wanted to be with us - I hope that makes sense! Best of luck xx

Thank you @FetchezLaVache .

He works full time. But due to his debts which won't be paid off until 2026 he doesn't earn enough to privately rent. Once their paid off he'll be better off. Until then he'd be in a house share I guess?!

I also feel awful because he's a good father and partner. How could I make the father of my children who does anything and everything for them, live in a house share just because I'm not feeling it?

Private rents are hire. My mortgage payments are lower. There isn't enough equity that I could even remortgage and give him some.

We now have 0 savings due to two close pregnancies so I go back to work next month. So no money to even get a deposit together.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad.

re the rest of your post I have questions - why did you move a guy in when your sex life was rubbish? Why did you decide to have a second baby when things were bad between you?

I sort of tend to agree with a PP that you may just be knackered and miserable and seeing the worst because at the end of the day you did choose this bloke and have kept choosing him up to this very day, there must be a reason why (I also dated a lot, I didn’t move in with many of them though).

He’s pulling his weight with the family. Could he look after both kids (if breastfeeding think about expressing) so that you could have a night out and a stay in a hotel. Revisit old times of going out but with the good nights sleep a mum of young kids needs. Love is also based on character and he seems to be good looking after the kids and home. Take sometime to think it through perhaps with a therapist.

To answer some questions.

House is in my name. We're not married. We both work.

I do question if my feelings could change over time. I really want them too. He is so good to me and adores his children. I don't think I've known a man as hands on in all aspects as him. Dentist appointments he sorts and does. He arranges childcare. I come down in the morning to a ready made bottle with nappies laid out. Laundry is washed and put away. He takes on the mental load as much as me.

I have told him how I feel. That's why we had couples counselling when I was pregnant with dc2. By the end of the sessions I still felt the same way but swallowed it as by that point I'm about to give birth. What can I realistically do. I kinda of feel like I've made my bed and now I have to lie in it. But for how long?

Honestly, many people with two small kids look back to their 20s wistfully. It’s normal to regret the loss of freedom and fun and options.

But it gets better. You’ll never go back to those days, true, but things would have changed anyway as you got older, with or without lockdown and babies.

I think you should wait until you’re out of the weeds. Couple more years and you’ll have more sleep and more time to yourself. Then you can work out whether the issue is really DP or if it was having two under 3. And if you decide to separate you’ll be in a better position to manage.

Of course if you are sure DP isn’t for you, it’s fairer to him to split now. But I think you can’t be sure about DP while you feel so tired and trapped by life in general.

How does he feel about your relationship? Do you think you could live together as friends and each have a personal life outside of the home?

If you were a man you'd leave. You'd see the kids at weekends and pay him child support. And if you did both consistently you'd be called a 'good' dad
And get the best of both worlds

You probably don't want to lose that much custody time and it would affect the kids to have the mother 'leave' but having some kind of shared custody would give you some freedom eventually.

There are also better benefits when one is a single parent

I think you should go through the process of planning to separate so you know what it looks and feels like. Don’t tell him, just have a cold rational think about it. You might feel panicky, you might feel optimistic and free.

I know people are saying you’re in the hard part with babies but it’s way more than that, you’re incompatible and you’re too young to settle for no chemistry, laugher, passion, proper companionship. The decision to have not one but two kids with him is astonishing given everything you’ve said but if you parent well together now hopefully you can do so apart. It sounds like he’ll be upset but not shocked, you’ve both made some questionable decisions and now you have to find the best way forward.

@WitcheryDivine mate.. these questions I ask myself repeatedly. Makes absolutely no sense.

My theory is this, I was reckless and felt invincible to life. I felt immune to adulting in many ways.
What I mean by that is I had my own place me and my friends nicknamed the 'shag pad', I'm not kidding. It wasn't literally a shag pad but I seemed to think I was on the bachelorette.
So I had many dates and if I liked them I would see them again. If not Id move on. Sometimes I'd casually date two or three guys at a time. Not really for sex or anything but just hang out with. I didn't take them too seriously. All fun.

During these years I had a couple guys who Id end up dating exclusively and would move in for a bit. Things wouldn't work out and they'd move back out again no problem. There'd never be any aggro from either party. Life felt 'free' I guess. Nobody had kids or anything and everyone i dated had stuff going on. For example one guy was a doctor on rotation. Lasted a few months. Didn't work, he went back to med accomodations, no biggie. Life keeps moving.

I knew when I found 'the one' it'd all click at some point.

When I dated dp he was just another 'guy' if I'm honest. There were no major sparks or romance. But he did tick most of my boxes. He hid the debt so I thought we were both solvent. After several months of dating and his tenancy was up he moved in. But in my mind it wasn't some huge thing for me. There were no kids or marriage proposals. If it didn't work he'd just go and I'd keep it moving like always.

But literally a few weeks after moving in he lost his job. Then a week later lockdown.

DP had no income and no place to go. Then the chickens came home to roost of my careless ways I guess.

I wouldn't make a decision while your children are so little. It sounds as if you really miss your friends
Can you build them into your life a bit more? You clearly have mentally left DP behind but is there no hope of finding common ground or shared interests? Of course you shouldn't stay with someone who makes you unhappy but someone who is kind and thoughtful and does more than his share in the madness of the early years is not a terrible partner. It is normal to feel you have lost yourself a bit when DC are so tiny and demanding.

I went to comment similar to this but this is much more succinct.

I would stay during these early years. It will mean a lot to the children and will cement their relationship with both of you, more than if they're with one of you for weekends or whatever. How much of you former life can you recapture with a 6 month old? Long term you might move on but I honestly don't see the urgency. If you do leave, your priority for the next number of years will be your dc not finding mr right.
Depends if you're just bored of him/no spark or if you are really unhappy. As that is not good and I would answer differently.

There are always compromises - many of us have men we have a spark with/have a laugh with etc but do not have someone who take a 50/50 share of the home and emotional load.

You are too young and had too many dreams to just settle. I was told though - life isn’t a day dream. I could write your exact same post and then I turned thirty during lockdown and it was like the bliss of my never ending youth ended and fear struck. Where is this final destination man and I need botox in my forehead all of a sudden. And is that a line under my eye too? Don’t let life pass you by, but work out whether it’s tiredness or truth that you aren’t compatible. Sending love x

I think you may have a romanticized notion of “the one”. Which doesn’t mean that you ARE compatible with your current DP but I think does mean you are comparing him to a romanticized ideal that is unrealistic.

as for what to do now - honestly I think it’s about being pragmatic. He’s not abusive, he’s doing his fair share, you don’t hate him, and even with his debts presumably it is still cheaper to have two incomes coming in etc. life as a single mother with two young kids will not be like your single life.

as for things in common - can you go back to bubble mentality a bit and watch Netflix and talk about the kids.

as said - you may indeed not be compatible. But I also wonder if you are tryign to get him to meet some needs in you that he just can’t.

I’ve got a friend who has a lifestyle
much like you describe your single life. She’s got massive attachment issues.

but mostly id just focus on sleeping and eating properly and park the yearning for a different hypothetical life for now

I'm sorry, but I think you need to grow up. You lived this carefree existence and you were lucky to be able to, but as soon as you had not one but two babies, you left all that behind. You've got a good man there who does so much for you and your children. And 2026 is only two years away, which will fly in.

Reconnect with your friends. I'm sure your DP would accommodate that. Give it some time - is there any way you can work on your relationship? A man who does loads for his partner and children is very attractive!!

Could you keep things going until his debts are sorted and he's in a better place to support himself and share care of the children?

If I'm very honest, you got yourself into this. I'm not entirely convinced that 'the one' exists, and you have two children dependant on both of you.

Do you want your life before kids or do you want your life now with kids but the spark back in the relationship?

How long was your longest relationship previously? Do you have experience of a relationship after the first flush of excitement getting to know them etc?

From your experience with men do you think there are many who would pull their weight like your partner does and still tick all the boxes for shared interests and excitement? Your kids will always have their dad and no step dad will be doing half of everything like you have now. Is the excitement with a better partner worth taking on all the children responsibility?

If you hadn't of had kids with him would you have wanted kids with someone else? Would that not also have impacted your ability to live as you did pre kids? Basically is change your partner going to fix what is wrong?

As a pp said if you were a man you would just leave and let he woman cope with it. If he says he's loving the high life and you are missing the single life maybe he could leave with the kids? Then he would be higher up the list for social housing as the children need a home. You could pay maintenance do a decent amount of contact but regain the freedom you miss. I'm not condoning this as I think men who do this to women and their children are horrible people but a conversation with your partner may reveal he would prefer this if it's parenting he loves. If this is what has to happen then doing it before the kids remember you as a couple and won't be loosing friends from preschool/school would be better. So long as you have regular and quality contact. Children need a commîtes loving parent, yes it's often better when this is the mum but he sounds like an amazing father so he could be enough on his own.

Your feelings are completely valid. If you choose to split that is a valid choice. Only you can decide what's best for you and the kids. If you are unhappy that isn't great for the kids. My own parents never split up but I never saw them hug or kiss and they did absolutely nothing together- I never learnt what a healthy relationship looked like so have had a string of partners who treated me poorly because I saw their attention as love.

Personally after my experience with men I would stay and work on finding new shared interests and communicate my feelings so he can work on it. I would not throw away and equal partner until i had tried absolutely everything and possibly not even then (although i don't think I would ever just accept it I would always be striving to improve it). If he is as amazing as he sounds he will do his best to improve things. You got on well enough to let him move in so what did you used to do when dating? Do those things again? Although crap sex is a horrible fate could he make efforts to satisfy you in other ways- you don't need a hard penis for everything that feels good.

It is quite common for women to go off their partners for a time after having a baby. Then the following years of sleep deprivation doesn't help rekindle it. But I do note you say you had gone off him before the first child so likely this isn't relevant in your case.

I wish you all the best with this conundrum. You sound sensible thinking it through. You are not facing an easy decision

i think you’re simultaneously being a bit harsh to and kind of romanticising your past self. Sounds like you were perfectly normal but weren’t really an emotional investor in things and it’s all been v casual but suddenly now irreversible things (kids) have happened and it’s almost snuck up on you that nothing can be casual after that. And the music stopped and the parcel on your lap is… this guy. Can imagine how scary it feels if you’ve suddenly “woken up” ((though actually not suddenly as you were in counselling last year), what do you think made you wake up?

Honestly it sounds to me like you don’t like this guy very much even though he’s a brilliant dad and that is allowed. People do change, you have changed (perhaps even got a bit older and realised who you are a bit more rather than just going along with your relationship of the time?)

I doubt you'll ever find the one but you don't love your husband and that's bad for both of you. I would leave now while your children are young. Small house, perhaps nesting with rented flat also. You're free half the time.

From your last post OP, and please do correct me if I'm way off the mark, but it sounds almost as if you liked not having to commit to men in the past, never getting in too deep, keeping it light and casual, and now you've committed in a big way, it's possibly really scary and smothering for you? That doesn't take away from the fact that you don't sound as if you are happy and content with the relationship though and it does sound like for you it's gone past the point of no return.

100% this. Being a parent, working, adulting is hard/exhausting. Everyone at that point is knackered, lacks sex, questions things. Dig deep, pull through, it does get easier.