I've ruined my life by having a family

[Thirtylifecrisis]

Just as the title says really.

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.
I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on. As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with
Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

I spent a decade living like this.
I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in. Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.
He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh. My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.
We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was eachother and netflix.

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.
Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family. We had our baby.
DP got an IVA for his debts. We got a dog. I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra). We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.
Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended. He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

This was very long winded but so cathartic to write. So thank you for anyone who's read this.

Grass isn’t always greener. You would be exchanging one lot of problems for another if you split. Definitely hang in there for a bit longer while the kids are small.

He has given control of his money to the her. That is huge. That makes up for the lying and the debt. He seems intent on fixing that. She doesn't say he has lied about anything ever since.

I agree. Marry him - he sounds like a real gem. So what if there's a bit of bedroom trouble. They make new medicine and treatments all the time, be optimistic!

I would say live with it until 2026 when his debts are paid. The kids will be older and easier to manage and you will be more financially stable.

I agree - weird how 2 babies and a dog just seemed to happen to @Thirtylifecrisis

I’m not saying this is a nasty way but @Thirtylifecrisis you don’t seem to understand yourself why you chose to tighten the links with a man you seem to have never had strong feelings for. It can’t all be blamed on Covid & Lockdown.

Maybe you should try counselling on your own to explore how and why that happened because you did actually choose your life despite feeling now that you didn’t. That suggests your previous life was not always as idyllic as it sounds when you reminisce.

@Thirtylifecrisis

I’m in my fifties and will frequently mourn about who I was in my thirties. Particularly after I just had children - that loss of freedom was a total, total shock. I do still have nights out, weekends away with friends - which I treasure. But there has been a gradual shift. For example I watched my children play a sport with friends yesterday, and it gave me more pleasure than an exciting weekend away I’d had the week before.

My DP is dependable and my children adore him. We haven’t had sex for a few years now - he feels more like a sibling. Tbh, I see this in the couples that I know of my age - it’s more about practical matters, health rather than lust.

I’d think about the long haul here, and give yourself some time. What’s your priority now in life, and what do you want in 10, 20 years time.
My children come first now in everything, all my thought processes. I resented it at first, but now I find deep, rewarding and the greatest pleasure in that.

What are your actual hobbies and interests that you’d have in common with a chosen partner? My 20s sound similar to yours apart from the fact I love cycling and other sport and met my now DH through those hobbies.

Having a partner who is 50-50 is invaluable at this stage of your life.

You are feeling trapped because of the financial issues and this is tough.

With such a hands on DP, There is no reason you can't come to a compromise. Start doing things for yourself. Breaks away with friends, nights out, spa weekends, hobbies. Whatever it takes to feel in touch with your old self. Obviously, don't take the piss, but maintaining your outside interests will help you to weather the storm and then when he is debt free , with some savings you can have a rethink. One step at a time. Think carefully how you can make the most of this situation.

This^

I think this post puts it well. (custardlover- I like your words here).

Say you did split up, what is it about your old life that you want to recapture? Do you want to go back to having short, meaningless sexual relationships with different men who sometimes move in? How would that work around having the kids?

I wouldn’t have got a dog - that just adds massively to the stress of the house if you have two kids. Rehome the dog? Have a regular night out with your friends once every month or so? Try and find / develop some common ground with your DP. He sounds a decent bloke in many ways.

Do you think you might be looking at your past life through rose tinted glasses. Like the whole when your home you dream of away but when your away you dream of home kind of thing.

You could be single with children and have time to yourself when they’re with their father.
It is hard but I’m sure you can be happy again; it’s no wonder you feel so bad if you’ve settled for a poor relationship.

He’d only be able to afford a house share she said. I wouldn’t be sending my children to stay with their dad in a house share.

It seems that you're prone to regret, so I think there's a good chance that you will regret breaking up your family too.

Op hear me out. I think your depressed. You have all the classic signs. Seems like your looking back to being single because thats before it happened.

Before you end it, see a doctor. My OH was depressed for years without us knowing it.

Slso i really believe if your values are the same differences keep it interesting. Sex wise i feel you but speak to him, sex can be amazing with a few toys?

Have you thought about what your life might actually look like if you split up? Even if you and your partner split up now, would you have the lovely life that you wanted?

With his financial status, he wouldn't be able to have a place large enough to have the kids over, even if he went 50/50 care, so you might find that he either had to come to yours to look after the kids or you took on more of the childcare and the mental load, or you have to pay for his accommodation, leaving you financially less free than you were. You would be unlikely to have your lovely life back again, just having short term relationships and moving on , firstly because of having to manage your work and social life around kids, but also because many of your friends may have moved on as well, and leading the single party girl lifestyle at 20 is very different from 40.

None of this means that you shouldn't split, but I agree with pp saying that counselling might be a good idea to help you work out if you are just being unrealistically wistful for an old life, whether there is a contribution from something like PND, or whether the relationship is really over.

Some of the comments on here (not from OP) about erectile dysfunction are vile, if a man was complianing about his wife's vaginismus or lack of libido the responses would be very different.

Marry him is literally the worst advice ever.

Think I would feel depressed if I was with a man who I didn’t click with, couldn’t have sex with and I had to handle his money as if he was 14. But that’s all ok because he does some of the parenting drudge work that pretty much every mother on the planet does for zero recognition?! Wow the bar for men is on the floor.

I am sorry, I don’t have time to write a detailed reply or read all the posts. But having been a single parent for now eleven years to two DC, and I mean that dad does very little and did little before we separated, I think a man who equally parents and does half the housework, who is not controlling or abusive and where you can be yourself, is worth his weight in gold.
you say that pre-lockdown you would have thrown him back, but pre-lockdown you were not looking for qualities that make a solid partnership.
I also think with the trauma and whirlwind of the last five years, you might not be sure what ‘being yourself‘ looks like anymore and that could be helped with individual counselling where you focus on that, and not your DP.

This is what stands out to me too. It’s much healthier to look forward rather than look back.

I’d also suggest sticking it out for another couple of years while working on yourself (therapy) and trying to figure out what you want your life and your children’s life to look like.

The debt situation is rubbish, but he seems to be getting that in hand with your help. He’s obviously a good domestic partner. The sex life seems incompatible; as others have said, would an open relationship be an option?

What seems to be a dealbreaker for me is that you seem to look down on him. You say you have different interests, but you seem very dismissive of his. What are both of your interests? I don’t think you necessarily need shared interests, but you do need to be able to talk to each other about what you’re doing and what you’re passionate about and support each other in that.

If you break up with him now though you still wouldn’t get your old life back. That’s gone.
It will be tough single parenting two little ones. Even if your dp has them 50/50, which if he is in a house share doesn’t seem feasible.

I think you should treat it like you had an arranged marriage. I have a colleague who is Indian and her marriage was arranged. From talking with her it sounds like you grow into a deep love and appreciation of each other. In some ways they're much better because that romantic spark that you might've had wasn't there to lose when life gets super mundane with jobs and child rearing. A lot of us who have had that romance stuggle to keep it going or lose it and have to find new ways to love each other anyway.

With an arranged marriage you approach the relationship looking for the positives of what each can bring to it and build from there. You are also all set and prepared for marriage and kids mentally from the beginning and not expecting a whirlwind of excitement which I think is a positive for the hard slog of setting up house and the early years season. In his case he isn't the provider bringing the money, but being so good with the children is definitely worth more than that. He is also working and his debts will soon be paid.You can easily push your career with a partner like that which is a real bonus. And he's happy for you to manage the money and not just go off spending.

Maybe reframe your situation for a few years and see if you grow into a deeper affection for him? Your friends will all be settling down anyway so it isn't like the same single life is there waiting for you to return to it.

Two young kids is super tough. It sounds like you’re in the midst of the toughest bit and missing your old life.

My DH and I used to have a very fun lifestyle. We made decent money, went on amazing holidays, fancy dinners at weekends and takeaways if we weren’t doing something romantic cooking wise, nights out partying with child free friends most weekends.

Now, we’ve come out of the covid fog with 2 littles and a much reduced social life and little time to ourselves. I think about how things were before fondly but my god I wouldn’t change our lives now for the world. We are raising our children and soon we’ll be looking back on these days wishing we could have them back when our boys aren’t interested in their parents and want to be with their friends.

I think that’s just life!

I have no advice as only you can decide whether you can stay with your partner and be happy in the long run. But I just want you to know you’re not alone in how life changes along the way. All the best OP.

Sorry but I view this very differently from most of the other posters.

What you think has happened and what has actually happened are two different things.

You think that life has just happened to you and that 5 years later you’ve woke up to a life you didn’t want.

But what has actually happened is that YOU made decisions that you believed in or wanted. You weren’t coerced or manipulated.

For example:

• you complain he is financially unstable but you found this out BEFORE you had children and BEFORE you bought a new house. You found out after he had moved in. You say he sold you a dream. But you were aware of the facts and chose to continue the relationship
• You say that you became preganant. No, you had sex with him, that resulted in a pregancy that you decided to keep. Those again, are decisions you made. You also decided to have a second child, even though you complained about his financial outlook.
• you even say ‘I’ bought us a new house. I have no doubt you did and that this was only realised because of your income but YOU chose to get this house. You have chosen to decorate. Literally it couldn’t happen without your say so.
• You say if it wasn’t for lockdown we wouldn’t be together. That’s not true. If it wasn’t all these decisions you have made over the years, then you wouldn’t be together.
• You say you have nothing in common, don’t laugh etc. So why did he move in all those years ago?

You may think I am being harsh but you have two young children and you sound like you want to rip apart a family because you’re missing your life from a decade ago. That’s not good enough frankly. If this was a man on here, he would be told to grow up.

Your life will feel better when you realise YOU, not others, have been responsible for the outcomes in your life. Blaming others or events has lead to this self pity and life crisis.

If you make the decision to split a family, because you believe it doesn’t match your dream in life, then I’m sorry to say I think you are very selfish .

I have an almost identical life story OP.
I had a glittering life in my 20s and early 30s- great job, lots of travel.
After a traumatic event I found and settled down with Mr Stable.

He also came with debts, but gave me his bank card, account and and all earnings until things were sorted. I still keep a close eye on our money.

We had a couple of babies in quick succession and moved out to the country.
He worked hard, and like OPs OH spent evenings and weekends doing housework, shopping, cooking, entertaining our children,
He helps create a stable loving home for our children, and has supported my endeavours 100% no matter what.

Now that our children have grown and are now adults I have a freedom that I don't think I would have had if I had married Mr Sexy/sparkly.

I have grown a small business from home which I love running, I have lots of hobbies and time to do things I want to. My OH respects me and supports all my decisions.
If he came home to find the house a mess and me drinking gin he would assume that was what I needed to do, and set about cleaning the kitchen. ( I don't drink so just an example)

There are many ways for relationships to work, and no rules, if you are unhappy then that is a problem. I imagine many women with young children are wistful.
Young children are relentless, ut it does ease as they grow.

Hi OP,
I’m another poster who doesn’t want to minimise but this does sound a bit like a case of the grass isn’t always greener.
Flitting about living your best life is what most of us did in our 20s. And that’s great… In your 20s. Would that sort of life really bring you as much satisfaction into your late 30s and 40s as it did then? Or would it all start to feel a bit meaningless?

Three massive drawbacks with your DP: the debt; he lied about the debt; and he has major problems with sex. Plus you don’t love him. All very good reasons to end the relationship. (The problems nothing to do with your current exhaustion, hormones etc!)

The main reasons to stay are the sunk costs fallacy, the likely many difficulties of being a single parent (coparenting with him), fear and worry about him financially and therefore the stability of housing for the DC. Difficult but surmountable and better option to pursue than your current situation IMO.