I've ruined my life by having a family

[Thirtylifecrisis]

Just as the title says really.

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.
I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on. As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with
Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

I spent a decade living like this.
I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in. Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.
He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh. My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.
We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was eachother and netflix.

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.
Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family. We had our baby.
DP got an IVA for his debts. We got a dog. I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra). We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.
Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended. He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

This was very long winded but so cathartic to write. So thank you for anyone who's read this.

@OhamIreally

Hello guys,

I thought I'd post an update.. or another outburst. I'm really not sure.

Since I posted this thread I've thrown myself into the relationship. I've taken all the advice on board and really worked on this.

I've listened to podcasts, read blogs and took action.
DP started sex therapy which he's still doing (more about that in a minute).
I started conversations with DP about topics I know he's interested in, started doing little things to make him happy like buying his favourite snacks and telling him I love him, checking in more about how his days going.
We went out for the day without the kids and I made a point to not look at my phone the entire day.

The more I invested myself the more I started thinking there could be potential here. I just need to keep putting in the effort.

Now for DP..

So he knows the score. He got his hormones checked at the GP and his testosterone was on the lower side of the normal range but because it's in range the doctor wouldn't prescribe anything. He then started sex therapy as well as joining the gym and working out daily hoping it would improve his physical health and also raise testosterone naturally.

We got both babies in their own beds on their own rooms.

Now for the sex.. despite doing sex therapy and having a willing partner and a now free bedroom, DP hasn't initiated sex once. Not even a hint. So I decided to initiate sex a few times.
The following has happened:

• he's cum in 30 seconds of foreplay.
• he's not been able to maintain an erection for PIV

He literally just lays there with a condom in his hand for me to go on top. No effort.
We communicated and foreplay was discussed. He then basically makes me talk him through it step by step whilst doing foreplay. Literally zero initiative or natural flow.

So we bought some sex toys to take pressure off any PIV.
We had an agreement we would start with me and then him due to his issues so things wouldn't stop before it'd even started.

So I'll explain yesterday, as yesterday has tipped me over the edge and now I'm at a fucking loss.

We were both WFH together for the first time ever. At lunchtime I decided to be spontaneous and give him a blowjob on our lunch break. Completely random and unexpected for him from me (putting in the effort here guys). I did it, he enjoyed all good.

Then last night we were in bed chatting. There was an expectation of sex from us both but he didn't initiate. Just laid there making small talk. After 30 minutes of awkward small talk I just blurted out 'well do you wanna bang or not?' to which he replied 'im not bothered. if you want?'

You have your partner laying right there.. willing to have sex.. that's your response.. your not bothered?!

Anyways we agree (see how formal and unsexy this is?). There is then no kissing or hugging or anything. He just tells me very practically to get my toy so I do. He then does nothing, lays there and just says 'well go on, do it yourself'.. he says this in a literal unbothered, unsexy way. Like he's talking about mowing the lawn or taking out the bins. So I tell him that you don't just shove a dildo inside you FFS! You build up with foreplay. I ask him what on earth he's been discussing in sex therapy?! He then says 'yeah I know, the vagina gets wet doesn't it?' so I'm like wtf, so if you know this then why aren't you putting this into practice?
He then tells me to calm down and then says 'lay down then and I'll finger you then'. Again practically. Not enthusiastic, not fun, just practical. At this point I shove the sex toy back in the drawer.

I then burst into tears. I couldn't help it. I'm not a cryer but I couldn't stop the tears. I told him this is humiliating and I can't do this anymore. I ask him wtf is wrong with him? Even a teenaged virgin inexperienced lad wouldn't be this incompetent.
There's a basic formula to sex that anyone could fucking tell you. If you watch ANY porn whether it gay, straight, gang bang or whatever, it has a basic fucking format. Even a bloody movie could tell you.
You kiss your partner. Then put your hands down to their genitals and then if you want, perform oral and then penetrate. It's as simple as that. You may do it badly, you may do it well, but YOU DO IT!

I literally lost my shit. I said Im done with this side of things.

I know I sound like a bitch but it was so humiliating. Imagine laying there naked next to your partner who tells you they aren't bothered about sex but then when they do act every single time like it's the first time they've ever heard about sex and you have to go through the whole topic start to finish. Makes me feel like an absolutely stupid prick everytime.

I have him a random blow job at lunchtime. He's seen first hand how things works as it's been done to him earlier that same day. He had a sex therapy session the night before!

So that's it. I don't know what more I can do now. I'm at a loss and I feel so fucking down. It's not getting better. I don't know if it can.

He insists he's straight, he insists he's not asexual, he insists he wants to learn.

But I can't go there again. I won't do it to myself. I can't. It's destroying my self esteem.

I'm seriously considering stepping outside the relationship for the sex side. In willing to have that conversation with him.

What's everyone's thoughts?

Sounds to me you’ve had a very fun 20s, doing what and when you wanted. You met a wonderful man, everything you wanted then he broke your heart. Apparently all relationships always has one person in it stronger and deeper than the other. When you’re the one on the “not as much” side it’s unsettling.

You got Mr Dependable and from your old life it’s a bit boring in comparison. You then went through a lot of trauma losing your father (I am so sorry). Then the trauma of Covid (some people really struggled). Then you had two children in quick succession, that is flipping hard.

Now you’re looking at your life and comparing it against married couples dancing and kissing, I bet you anything (let’s say) 20% of those couples are having an affair. Another 20% have had an affair. What was the % of partners that had been on that married persons affair website?! Shocking.
another 10% will probably row a lot and not help out around the home. Just to try and point out you would not believe what goes on behind closed doors.
Who is to say they don’t look at you, two young children, a doting father who is amazing with the kids - a lot of fathers / mothers maybe are not doting and more into getting drunk with their mates like they did when they were 20.

People don’t get to 30 without some form of baggage, so debt it is and he is sorting it. ER is getting sorted.

I think you need regular date nights, days out with the family and putting your energies into making this work for all your sakes. Maybe he or you will one day want to move on. No one realises what they have until it’s gone. Life is never how you think it will be.

He does indeed sound like he's asexual.

so I said in August:

'So sex was bad in the beginning why did you bother dating him
why on earth did you move him in
and get pregnant
not once
but twice'

you know you are not happy, and your sex life has got even worse !!!

Op, you're miserable. It doesn't sound like the sex side of it is going to change after your update. Honestly, life's too short...

Sorry OP, that does sound really depressing and humiliating. My OH has DE, so sex can be frustrating, and as he is really tired working 6 days a week to support our 2 under 4 yo children, I don't remember the last time he initiated anything. That said, whenever we do find the energy, he's considerate when we're having sex, and would never talk to me that way! Never make me feel bad about the whole thing, despite the challenges we have. Your husband sounds almost like he's trying to put you off... maybe he's worried about "performing", as he knows there's an issue? Either way, it doesn't excuse him acting like that. As you say, everyone knows it's demeaning and unsexy to make sex seem like a chore you can't be bothered with!

I also stand by my comments… how you speak about him. Also, can I give you a glance (possibly) into your future… my partner isn’t the best at instigating or putting me first in sex, always willing though. In the last 9/10 months (I’m almost 42, only have 1 ovary and certain I’m in peri, though blood tests say I’m not!!) I’ve had no interest at all. I’d rather us cook together or go for a walk or something more… I don’t need that physical interaction to feel close to him, or for my own verification of being desired….. if you experience this also (you might not) but if you do, and you’ve thrown all you have together away beforehand.. you are going to feel worse than you do right now. My other half now turns around as says he wishes he’d made the most of it and not turned me down when I was like a dog with two dicks. He’s currently laid here very frustrated as he’s told me he needs something soon (we speak about it, it helps a LOT) cuddled up to our 5 year old. Working through it with me. I think you need to lay it fully on the line with your other half…. “Mate, you are a perfect father, perfect team player in the home but in the bedroom… oooooof”. If it affects him you know he’s got the fire in his belly to sort it. If he apologises then you need to discuss next steps!!! I wish you both nothing but the best….

If you’d walked away without trying that would haunt you. You can’t sacrifice your forever happiness to be it all on someone “possibly” “safe.”

Your children will grow up not seeing love and sense it. You need to be fulfilled

Oh op, I know how much it hurts to feel rejected sexually….
My ex didn’t really want to have sex with me. He has low libido but wouldn’t admit it, he just blamed me for not having sex (he kept finding stupid reasons). We broke up 2.5 years ago but we continue living together. We get on great as friends, just not as ‘lovers’. He can afford to move somewhere else but doesn’t want to, and I prefer to live with him than with a stranger (as I’d have to get a lodger if he moved out due to cost). I have a boyfriend who knows I live with my ex (he’s been in my home many times) but doesn’t feel threatened by it, because he trusts me. So everyone is happy, I get to share my house with someone I know well and I care for and I also get to have a romantic relationship. Boyfriend is not in a rush for us to move in together, which shows me that he is not possessive etc. Ex-bf wants to stay single, although I’d love for him to meet someone.

So perhaps have a chat with your husband about the possibility of you getting sex elsewhere?

Sex therapy together? Would that be an option. Maybe sadly you are just mismatched. Was it better pre kids. Or is it a confidence issue on his part? Have a look for sex type games/cards - instructions/fun will take the pressure off. I was a bit like your dh it was a confidence issue then I got divorced. I’m so much more comfortable in my own skin now plus having small kids I was knackered. Now new partner 10/10 sex. That wasn’t the reason I got divorced. But maybe he needs to read the books, podcasts like you have done. Could he go private for ed issues? Communication may also be a problem for him.

On the sex aspect there are two explanations

1. he’s asexual/ not that into you/ can’t be bothered

Or (and I think much more likely)

2. he knows he’s shit at it, has a history of ED and is terrified and insecure about the whole thing. Hence saying not bothered (self protection) and asking for step by step instructions and doing as little as possible (he is worried about cocking up, no pun intended)

If it’s 2) then telling him it was crap really isn’t going to help. It’s not like he knows what to do but just wasn’t bothering. He literally cannot do it. You have to decide whether you can be bothered to be the patient, encouraging teacher he probably needs. It doesn’t sound like your sort of personality tbh (no shade, I’m not that person either).

I have lost track of the number of people I have heard say this.
The only difference was that they were all married men.

My thoughts would be he's gay. Even if he thinks he isn't. I very briefly had a boyfriend who turned out to be gay when I was at uni.

He was a fantastic boyfriend in all the stuff women really want. But not at all interested in sex.

Are you actually attracted to him? If not there is no amount of sex therapy that is going to help. If you didn't have the children my advice would be to move on, with the children it is a different ball game.
You haven't ruined your life it is just not as you planned or thought it would be for now.

I think it's unsalvageable. You've put loads of effort into doing all you can to keep things going but I think it's time to call it a day.
We have one life. I think you'd wither with depression if you stayed with him.

There are so many other people who have also had families but don’t have sexual chemistry with the person they had children with. I’m one of them and I broke up with him. Our child is 3.5.

Get sex elsewhere. Break up? Or whatever else works. But make sure you are happy with the sex side of things. I’m still quite new to this and am in the awkward phase of not actually getting any sex yet but clumsily attempting to flirt with men who seem a bit scared. I don’t blame them. It’s something I need to work on… the game of it all.

He has to be gay surely?

From your most recent description, he sounds very rude and cold, let alone loving.

He also sounds like he’s attempting the sex therapy to get you off his case, rather than a genuine desire to improve.

It sounds like he wants to force you to give up the sex aspect completely by making it so bad that you develop an aversion.

Stop telling him what to do in bed, he can use tutorials or books or sign up for a sex workshop with demonstrations, it’s his responsibility to take care of this.

What’s his excuse for not giving you oral?

You've done really well to persist. He sounds asexual or gay to me though I don't have any experience with ED. It is poor of him to not be putting the effort in, if anything, you'd think he'd be overcompensating with oral to make sure you enjoy yourself. That would also take the pressure off his performance. I think you should discuss with him how it is making you feel, undesired, unsexy etc and say it is that bad, that if he isn't interested in you sexually you would like to look elsewhere and see what he says...his reaction might indicate abit more about his feelings.

I think he is absolutely terrified of sex and is protecting himself by not taking any risks. It might be worth explaining to him that self preservation and hiding from the problem is no longer an option

I don't think he is gay

Good grief.

Lay down while I finger you then has made me go drier than the Sahara.

You can't put up with that. I think he's asexual or gay.

He's been dishonest with you about his debts so maybe he's lying about that too.

I'm sorry, what a fucking shit show

I hope you don't think I'm being flippant OP and this isn't a solution to 98% of your problems, but from a pure 'not having anything to talk about' perspective, and conscious that you might need to ride a couple of years out at home with him, have you considered getting massively into football? It's genuinely a good source of both small and deep talk. I was a latecomer but my mum loves it, and since I've been genuinely into football my ability to chat to otherwise pretty quiet men for hour on end has ballooned. It genuinely hugely improved my relationship with my own father (before he passed away) and my father in law, who noone else gets along with. Also it's fun and you can scream at the TV. It's an outlet!

My feeling on all of this is that your original OP didn't properly convey the reality of what you're dealing with here. He may be a wonderful father and housekeeper but he isn't emotionally 'there' at all. This isn't a bad relationship as such. This is no relationship whatsoever. You have given it your best shot and he is just not able to have a full relationship. That could have something to do with why he's so brilliant at everything else.

I think you run the risk of becoming quite ill if you stay in this. The unmet needs you're describing are not unreasonable. To have some, if not all, of these needs met in a relationship is vital for you to be healthy.

This is not what you want to be modelling to your kids as they grow.

In some ways he sounds emotionally immature in a very intransigent way. Even the fact that he promised to be on the ball regarding moving forward and then acts as cluelessly as possible in the bedroom suggests massive repression to me. Same regarding money.

If you can separate and stay good friends, you will probably meet someone and your children will hopefully then know what a fulfilling relationship looks like. To split now before you've descended into really ugly behaviours and mental health issues would be preferable. Even if you weren't to meet someone, the kids would know what mum looks like without this on her shoulders. I'd be concerned you would lose your identity in this.

You can't fix him and he will probably be happier in the long run if you don't try.

Be free. Sorry you're going to have less money. Then again you don't know what your second husband does for a living yet. You've paid very heavily for a mistake made in the throes of grief, and you were lied to. Sometimes life sucks that way. Cut everyone some slack and start building the best future that you can.

That does sound like a humiliating disaster. I wonder if the arrangement the pp above has, sharing a house and both being there for the kids, but having your own relationships with other people, could actually work for you. If he’s so completely unbothered about sex maybe you could both make it work with no jealousy involved. It also doesn’t sound like you actually want to have sex with him either, you’re trying to force yourself to do it because you think you should, and that probably comes across very clearly and puts him off too. Time to tell him your relationship is over and then do some radical brainstorming together to work out how to move forward with an arrangement that suits everyone.