I've ruined my life by having a family

[Thirtylifecrisis]

Just as the title says really.

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.
I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on. As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with
Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

I spent a decade living like this.
I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in. Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.
He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh. My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.
We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was eachother and netflix.

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.
Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family. We had our baby.
DP got an IVA for his debts. We got a dog. I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra). We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.
Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended. He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

This was very long winded but so cathartic to write. So thank you for anyone who's read this.

Ladies.. you are all fantastic. Each post is so insightful and I'm happy that they haven't all just said 'LTB' because it does feel much more nuanced than that and I do need to be realistic.

I'm currently listening to Whitney Houston in the kitchen after puffing a secret old cigarette out the bathroom window (not smoked in years!), just contemplating. Despite it tasting awful it felt like.. freedom? Escape? Is this an early mid life crisis?!

I think you are all right. Someone said up thread smashing up my current life won't bring back my old life and that hit. It's not coming back, it's gone.

But like a PP said life felt like pass the parcel and the music stopped and the prize I've got isn't what I'd have chosen.

The weight of responsibility for these babies is heavy. If DP was a bit crap in the dad or house department it would be so much more straightforward. But as it stands, him leaving would be like a mother leaving in terms of attachment for the babies.

So really us separating would be all about me. I'd be centering myself and not them. If I would lay down my life for them (I would) then what's a few more years I guess?

The sex is so problematic. He's been to the doctor's and really has tried to work things out. Tried various brand of Viagra.

Having a baby in our room means we can't really work on that currently too. Because of his issues it's not a straightforward quick fumble. It's medication and foreplay and trial and error etc. plus up until recently I was breastfeeding/co sleeping blah blah blah. So it has to be parked. But the longer it's parked the more we become room mates and the more I feel like 'wtf am I doing with this guy?'.

We went to a wedding a few weeks ago and seeing all the couples dancing and kissing and laughing made me feel sad. We've never had that and likely never will if I'm honest. But then the realist in me looks at the other couples and knows that yeah they may be laughing and passionately kissing, they may go home and have wild sex. But then who's going to be up and running around after the kids with a banging hangover? Who's going to then be sorting out the washing and making sure the kids are bathed and fed with a headache. Probably the wives whisky their husband lies on the sofa scrolling on his phone and half heatedly playing with the kids.

Chances are if I'd found a guy with great sex and loads in common with, he'd probably not pull his weight with babies/house which would then bring about a different kind of resentment. So then I'd be on here posting about a lazy DP instead.

Or maybe I could've found both in one man? Who knows. I certainly never will now.

Another few posters asked about the financial issue with him. DP lived a lifestyle he couldn't afford prior to me. He had a car on finance he couldn't pay amongst a shit ton of other things. He's terrible with money. He hid this fact from me and I even outright asked him about any debts PRIOR to him moving in. He said he was solvent. Then it all came out. I honestly know that if it wasn't for lockdown+dying dad that I'd have thrown him back without a second thought. Id gotten rid of other guys for much less.

As it currently stands he has an IVA and I also get his wages paid to me on payday. I just send him his monthly 'spends/allowance', So I manage all the money so it's very transparent and how I prefer it.

@Goldcushions2 I know, it was great, fucked it didn't I 😂😂

It is really hard to look forward when you keep looking backwards, harder still when children are involved, have you been able to get out together do something together without the children , a night out , or a family break . I really feel for you , he sounds the perfect partner caring and sharing ,but if your not happy then only you can make that decision, he sounds like he knows something is not right and trying his best to show he cares for you he wants you to care for him. I would wait when your back at work and see how you feel then you cant live a life of unhappiness abd in any relationship someone gets hurt but wounds heal .

I came to write this exact message but not nearly so well.

give it time.

check out Esther perel and John gottman- maybe they will be useful. And if possible perhaps see a counselor to sort through all the feelings. You’ve gone through a lot- losing your father, children, etc. sometimes just processing it all in one place, saying things out loud can really help you sort through what you actually want and work through a bit of the haze.

I second this whole heartedly and had a very similar experience. Very well put.

What does your gut tell you OP? I can see you're very much in your head and really struggling. I think talking to someone in real life would really help you. I think you think the grass is greener, but you're also worried that it's not and that you'll throw away an ok relationship for something that doesn't exist. And who knows it might exist, but also it might not. Sux when we can't have a crystal ball

I'm sorry you're feeling this way OP. Sometimes life just happens to us - not through active decisions, but through chance and circumstance. The sense of feeling trapped really comes across in your posts.

I'd be tempted to decide not to make any decisions for, say, 6 months. That gives you some mental freedom from a panicked cycle of thinking 'what the hell do I do?'

I would use the time to seek 'proper' therapy - there's probably a lot to explore. Not least the trauma of nursing and losing your father.

As @OldCrocks said above, I'd also take time to consider if your DP really is as good a man as he seems. Because he started this relationship with a very significant lie that's had long term implications on your life and finances. (And I wouldn't soften it by saying he 'hid' his situation. He lied about it.)

You've housed and supported him for 4 years. And his debt is so high, he'll need that support for another 2 years. Do you know how he got that debt?

And yes, you sound like someone who's gone from being very confident, to someone who doesn't seem to know herself anymore. Has he had a role to play in that? These are more things to consider in therapy.

I don't think you're naive enough to think that if you split, you'd be able to get back to anything close to your previous carefree lifestyle. In fact, in practical terms, your life will probably be harder. But it may also be happier.

I'm going to get slammed for saying this, but you ended up just happening to have two children with this guy? You say if it weren't for COVID he'd have been nothing more than a few dates yet you had two children with him. So many stories on here of unhappy women who feel trapped. Does no one think about who they are creating a child with ffs?!

You could house share now. Your relationship can be co-parenting, while you remain on friendly terms, but without a sexual or romantic tie, and separated finances. You can explain how you’re feeling to him, including the things you really appreciate about him as a father. You could suggest a change and see what he thinks. He might be feeling the same.

I don't want to bang on, but when I reread your OP I get an overwhelming sense that you're really trying to sell this guy to us, that you really want us to like and approve of him. And it just makes me wonder whether you're actually trying to sell him to yourself, and that you think you really should like and approve of him even though you actually don't, perhaps for reasons you find hard to articulate now that you're up to your neck in family life. I just don't like to see someone going against their own gut feelings so much, as it seems to me.

That's the worst advice ever.

It really doesn't sound like you have a bad life. Your husband is a good man, although he should have been honest about the debt. Maybe you have post partum depression. Life is so tough with two young children of that age. I don't have any answers, but yes, sometimes, life does get more serious and less fun. It doesn't have to stay this way though.

I sympathize, OP. I also had the fun and the freedom you describe until I married in my mid thirties a man I thought was financially and mentally stable only to discover two children later that he was an abusive narcissist (clinically diagnosed) with grandiose ideas of his own ability to play the market. Once he started being physically abusive, I filed for divorce and spent the next ten years fighting him in court.

I'm now in my early 60s, alone and struggling financially. It's terrifying how quickly time has passed but, as corny as it sounds, I'm thankful for what I have (two wonderful children), a roof over my head and food on the table. As well as my mental and physical health.

The only advice I can give you is to recognize that life is constantly changing - nothing stays the same - and that with children, you are now responsible for the wellbeing of two other human beings and that won't change. The selfishness of being answerable only to yourself has gone and any decisions you make must be with your children at the forefront.

I wouldn't stay in an unhappy relationship. No matter how good of a dad your partner is, he doesn't fulfill your needs and the resentment you feel will gradually amplify until it affects everyone around you. Don't put up with being miserable. The past has gone and regrets are pointless. Make plans for your future happiness and that of your children, whatever that might look like. Don't settle for less.

I feel for you OP. You've done really well even just articulating your situation.

Your youthful freedom is gone. I remember mourning mine so hard when my first was about 6 months old.

I think your relationship feels salvageable. Lying about debt is horrible. Is he sorry? Does he get how shitty that was? Is he taking responsibility now?

The sex thing is harder. Not many people with 6 month old babies are having amazing sex, but if sex is important to you- maybe reassess down the road. Look at an open relationship for example.

Been thinking about you. For me the shock and exhaustion of babies and toddlers after a lot of independence hit hard. I can see I directed frustration and at times sheer rage at DH when of course I couldn't direct that at the DC. It was easy to blame him for everything that was hard and had changed in my life. His imperfections were amplified by my anxiety and exhaustion..

I'm sorry I have no advice to offer for this very sad scenario but I must say you write really beautifully. Your description of your vivacious twenties is wonderful. You should write a book.

Not judging, but some women would love to have a man like this. Can you maybe accept your feelings for what they are for now and maybe take time for some other things that give you joy since your guy seems to be so great with pitching in. Maybe a few years down the road you can reassess the situation when the children are older. I notice the posters on MN are quick to suggest divorce.

Definitely with the wrong man. If you were with the right one, you wouldn’t be looking back on the days when you could date hot guys and craving the freedom you no longer have. You’d be embracing and enjoying the life and family you both created. Even if you separate, the life you had before is gone. So there’s no easy answer.

I think the best relationship books out there are by Gottman. Maybe read them and do the exercises in them together.

To be fair, OP, you’re actually in a perfect position to return to your carefree life, at least on a part-time basis.

Many women I’ve met who are separated with kids love it, as they get some child-free time when their ex has the kids - and it sounds like you have the advantage of knowing they’ll be with an excellent father.

Bide your time until your husband’s debts are clear, and then start the separation process. It’ll soon pass. You don’t have the burden of guilt to carry as it sounds like you’ve been honest about your feelings.

You never know - when the time to go rolls around you might feel differently - or you might not. Either way, you must be true to yourself. You only have one life, after all.

You sound totally avoidant and impulsive, it’s not a criticism, but are now in a situation you can’t just back out of and so this is new territory. You have to adjust but now with children, and you have to either do that alone or negotiate with their coparent. You cant do what you usually would have in your 20s and move on to the next fun thing. Ever decision has to consider two other humans. This is parenting for Everton and to some degree everyone feels similar to how you do.

If the father is cooperative you will be completely fine separating, if not life is going to be challenging in other ways to what you’re experiencing now.

I would rather take the coparenting option than live with someone I have no emotional connection, that’s is a slow death I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

You’ve not done anything wrong, it’s just life with kids, and you made the decisions you did under extreme circumstances - lockdown was a fuckery nobody could have prepared for.

Take care of yourself and your babies, you will be fine on the other side of whatever you decide to do.

Your last update is worrying OP. You are being financially abusive and controlling. Having his wage paid to your account when you're not even married? Come on , you're treating him like a child. I get that he has debts but half the country are in debt when they're young.Even teenagers get paid into their own accounts. I bet if your partner was the higher earner you would be happy & carefree. None of the other issues would be a problem then. There's obviously no trust there. I'm sorry but I think he's better off without you.

just seen @LunaNorth‘s post, totally agree. 👍

You have a little problem with the 'I" word..it appears everywhere.telling us what you didn't want and what you did. No other person gets in the way of 'I'. And it's almost as if you played no part in how you've ended up and lost the good life forever.
With respect, you put a lot of blame on your husband. That won't wash. You were happy enough to drift along too.
You say you never hug or kiss. Have you tried hugging him? You have nothing in common- but you have a good husband who dotes on the children - that's a lot. I think you should let things stand for a while until this very negative mood leaves you and you can think more clearly.

I genuinely think that all those qualities your DH has are far more valuable than having a similar sense of humour and common interests.

You've become a bystander in your own life. Your post is very woe is me and apathetic. I don't get it. Where were your friends and family in all of this? If he was wholly unsuited to you, why didn't they ever mention it or tell you to think twice. Why didnt you think! Why move him in just because of lockdown and why keep having kids?

I'd aim to get his debt paid off and them look to leave. Whilst you won't have the life you had before at least you'll both have a chance at living a more fulfilled life on your own. Ultimately its the kids that will be affected but plenty of people split and coparent effectively.