I've ruined my life by having a family

[Thirtylifecrisis]

Just as the title says really.

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.
I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on. As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with
Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

I spent a decade living like this.
I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in. Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.
He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh. My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.
We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was eachother and netflix.

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.
Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family. We had our baby.
DP got an IVA for his debts. We got a dog. I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra). We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.
Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended. He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

This was very long winded but so cathartic to write. So thank you for anyone who's read this.

Honestly OP, I wouldn't split with a good man, and the father of my children lightly. Could you focus on increasing your life satisfaction in other ways? Like doing a night a week wine tasting / bar hopping or something, and also plan a mini break with friends? A relationship doesn't have to make or break your happiness, DV or other major issues aside. Sex can also improve with time, if there is a specific issue for example ED. If you're really feeling overwhelmed, antidepressants can work short term, until you're "out of the trenches" of early babyhood, as everyone says.

If you try to improve your life and relationship, and still feel really fed up and unhappy a few months / couple of years down the line, you can always review your options. At the very least, by 2026 he'll be out of debt so would be less likely to be homeless. I agree it would be harsh to make him so. And that's really not very far away, in tbe great scheme of things. Whether you stay with him or not long term, you won't be in this situation, or feel like this, forever x

I wonder if part of the issue is that previously, you had a very varied life with a range of people to do different things with, but now, like most new parents, your life revolves around home and the family. It can feel very restrictive, and, dare I say it, dull.
You must have something in common with DP, even if it's only Netflix and babies, but now because you have the responsibility of children, you can't just get your entertainment from elsewhere, you won't be swanning off to Rome with a mate next weekend, or having impromptu drinks and a nights clubbing tomorrow night. DP is going to seem dull in comparison to the carefree, fun lifestyle you had pre children.
I think before thinking about leaving him, you could try working out ways to put a bit of fun back into your life. You are probably short on sleep and maybe still tied to a breastfeeding baby, but that will change, and you could start planning weekends away or nights out with mates. Don't know what you can do about the sex issue, but having a great dad around for your DC is worth appreciating.

' and a dog '

of course !

which will end up being another innocent victim in all this...

Can you plan to start getting your life back a little? You have a supportive partner so - hobbies, trip away etc? Maybe that will tide you over a bit until 2026 when you won’t feel so guilty about leaving? I think that does have to be your long term plan though or you will go mad.

You made a good choice by picking this man to be the father of your children. That is one of the most important things we can do for our future children. You've just done what a lot of women do for the sake of having a family - you settled for solid, dependable, and involved. Don't underestimate the value in that. Many women would happily swap their sex-pest husbands for a duller one who pulls his weight any day. In saying that, if you can't appreciate that, it's not your fault. You value different things in life and that's ok. But as a parent, you can't just think of yourself anymore so be careful.

He sounds perfect!

My friend married a man like this...They had a wobble, but are still together years later.

Friend says ''We make a great child rearing team''...they have a beautiful house.

He is a very good man.

Good men are rare.

Life as a single parent is really tough. {I found it so, when husband left}.

But in his case there was infidelity and he left to live with her.

Poor guy.

You should stay until you are sure you cannot stay. It wouldn’t be this hard to decide if it was the right thing to do. Being a grown up means prioritising the happiness and stability of your children. You have picked a great Dad for them and a partner who shared the load. You can use this secure base to grow your career, take up regular hobbies, do weekends away with friends. Try all that first.

A man like this would not be on the market long..He'd be snapped up like a shot, even with two children.

what steps ( apart from the Viagra experience) has he taken to sort out the ED?

The debts he concealed from you, he doesn’t gamble does he? Is he transparent with his finances now?

I totally get that you would have thrown this one back in different circumstances. Perhaps for now, you could focus your energy into advancing your career, maybe one that involves a lot of travel.

I'm glad a pp picked up on the fact that this guy lied to you from the outset. Having such big debts you end up in an IVA is a massive thing to keep from your partner and I'm curious as to what kind of lifestyle issues led to it. Added to that, he lost his job the moment he had his feet under your table. On many, many other threads here that alone would get him labelled a cocklodger. It might be illuminating to hear more about what brought that about and I'd be interested to know who was most enthusiastic about the idea of having a baby together as well.

I'm not sure I buy the Mr Nice Guy persona, and I strongly wonder if your huge doubts about yourself in this picture aren't a result of some kind of subtle undermining process. It sounds a bit as though you're going to spend the next 20 years engaged in a competition you didn't sign up for for who's the best parent, and the longer you stay together the more enmeshed you will be domestically and financially, and the less sure of yourself emotionally.

Sorry to go against the grain but he sounds too good to be true, and for a sassy, successful, independent woman, you sound surprisingly wobbly about yourself after only 4 years with him. I say get out, and get a decent legal opinion before discussing it too much more with him.

You mentioned several times about having nothing in common with this man. What common interests/things do you envisage sharing with your dream man? What are your interests?

The things you’ve described in your post about your single life do sound bloody wonderful, you sound like the heroine in a lovely heart-warming chick lit novel, but which bits are the ones you’d expect to share with a partner?

Because to me it sounds like you really miss those aspects of your old life, and I understand that, might you feel a bit better if you can try to build some of that back in around the life you have now? So that you’re not looking at everything as wholly black (old life) and wholly white (new life) - but instead a bit more varied and enjoyable?

What happened with the viagra? Can he not still take that? Do you still desire him? If he was walking around with a raging boner all the time ready to bang you to completion, would your sex lives recover or is it gone forever? I think you’ll know the answer to that deep down. With my ex, I just knew deep in my bones that I could never have sex with him ever again, not even with alcohol or out of pity or to conceive - and so I knew that all the other issues in the relationship were unworkable because of that.

Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water though, you actually speak about him with real tenderness and warmth in places, and then completely dispassionately in others. But the tenderness and warmth is in your appraisal of his current self, whereas the detached tone seems to come in when you’re reflecting on the earlier days of things and you sound frustrated with yourself tied in with that. There’s a lot gone on in a short space of time, there’s no wonder you’re reeling. Have you had any individual therapy? You could give that a go, maybe until 2026 when his IVA is paid off and he is able to support himself 😬

A few years. Let him get his debts paid off. You both need to save and your kids will be a little older. It's not like you hate his guts. Stick it out and if things aren't better then you separate and co parent.

No it doesn’t sound like you ‘miss your friends’ or ‘your previous life’ it sounds like you’re not in love. And that’s ok. You don’t have to stay

so he can’t rent until 2026 - that’s a year and a half away and your baby is young. So could you come to a friends living together arrangement until then.

I did this with my ex. We’re now divorced 4 years and get on like a house on fire co parenting.

Honestly it’s the best of both worlds. I am a parent to an amazing child and I have 50% of my time for me. Sounds like something you’d love

The things you’ve described in your post about your single life do sound bloody wonderful, you sound like the heroine in a lovely heart-warming chick lit novel, but which bits are the ones you’d expect to share with a partner?

maybe she doesn’t want to share ‘bits’ of her life work a partner. I’m far happier not. As are a growing number of women

I mean, you can always leave and see your kids on the weekends. Men literally do it all the time

He's broke and in debt! And has ED! So he should be doing everything else, he doesn't sound like he has much to offer. A man with zerp money is the opposite of dependable! Let's get real

My friend married a man like this...They had a wobble, but are still together years later.
Friend says ''We make a great child rearing team''...they have a beautiful house.

bloody hell. They have a beautiful house? That makes up for living with someone you don’t want to nor love??

Seconding the suggestions to have some therapy - on your own and not as a couple.

Be careful, you can't turn back the clock.

All those people you were having wild and fabulous times with will have moved on to their own new realities.

Hi OP
Is there any chance you may have a touch of PND? Also some depression from your dad passing during the pandemic?
That could be attributing to how u are feeling?

I think he knows he is on borrowed time and is trying to make himself indispensable. He knows that you would find it much harder to leave him if he does above and beyond. He has a lot to lose so I understand his rationale but I think you would find this decision a lot easier to make if he were less perfect.
I don’t think he’s not a decent person or father but i definitely think he’s being manipulative.

If you are going to separate I would do it sooner rather than later. In a few years your children will astound you with their wisdom. A separation will hurt you all less whilst they are are little with simpler thought processes.

The fog of early child rearing doesn’t feel like this. You have a clarity about your feelings that is different. You obviously know what is happening to you.

I agree with most of what has already been said. It did occur to me though that, should you decide to leave to get back to a life of parties, sex and admiration, it wouldn’t last. You won’t always be young and beautiful, you can’t hold back Father Time. (There is something very sad about an older, probably over made-up woman flitting around looking for her youth!) You may not always feel it’s right to live so hedonistically. You won’t always have lots of unattached friends who are free and ready to go out with you. Inevitably, at least some will find and cherish a better life with or without a man. You’ll get older and might yourself not be so keen to be out living it up until all hours, so what then? Your friends will have moved on, got married, and/or moved away, and there’ll come a time as you get older that you won’t have young carefree friends to go out with, just woman who have got married and possibly had children.
You’ve outgrown your partner and are looking for pastures new. Would that be with or without your children?
Be careful what you wish for. There is nothing better, to my mind, than being loved and cherished, (I speak from experience), and maybe you can eventually achieve this with your partner, maybe not. I am surprised he’s still with you, though. He must realise how you feel, yet he’s still there, faithful and supportive.
Leave him if you want but I bet there are a lot of women, on and off this thread, who would give their eye teeth to have what you’ve got. He sounds a real star, especially with no love from you to give him a reason to be how he is. You have struck lucky, and it’s a pity you can’t see and appreciate it.

With such emphasis on this specific man being the wrong one and all the time spent auditioning them when she was single (no shade OP), I am working on the basis that our Miranda Hobbes probably does want to love and be loved, but back in her Carrie Bradshaw life.

With Kindness.....So what do you want OP?

You've got 2 young children now, life will Never be the same - with or without your DP.

I can tell you for a fact that single parenthood is no walk in the park. The losses you will have of a shared biological endeavour will last forever - you can never recover the lost shared things that you describe as having without even thinking about it.

The scenario you have described? .... Honestly - You have a lot to lose...

So ... For what OP ... What exactly do you want? Sex? Excitement? Have a look at the dating threads and see what you are walking into....

One thing about life is that there are no guarantees but what I can guarantee is that single parenthood sucks. And this is coming from someone who has done it very successfully.

Think carefully about what you are going to do, as it's not just about you anymore.

Best Wishes and I hope you can find a way to get the resolution you yearn.