I've ruined my life by having a family

[Thirtylifecrisis]

Just as the title says really.

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.
I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on. As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with
Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

I spent a decade living like this.
I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in. Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.
He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh. My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.
We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was eachother and netflix.

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.
Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family. We had our baby.
DP got an IVA for his debts. We got a dog. I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra). We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.
Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended. He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

This was very long winded but so cathartic to write. So thank you for anyone who's read this.

The life you describe living pre DP - I strongly suspect that if you were still living it now it would very much have lost its shine. The friends you were socialising with and the men you were dating would be long moved on by now. It would all have started to feel a bit empty as others settled down and had their families and you continued to live fancy free. Life is lived in chapters and it's right that one closed for you, it couldn't last forever.

Re your DP. I'm not dismissing the importance of money or compatibility but he sounds like a pretty good man overall. I'm worried you'll leave and then find that being on your own (and having the kids only half the time) or trying to find a better match as a single parent is going to lead to serious disappointment. I'm dating as a lone parent and the options aren't great. Maybe you'll be luckier. But it's risky - you really could end up with a much worse life than the one you're describing.

I think you should resign yourself to staying in this relationship at least for the next few years and look at what you can do within it instead of making radical changes right now. You were connected with him at one point, you didn't pick him out of a hat, you chose to be with him and there must have been a reason for that. Work on your own life, your career and social life for now.

Ask him to consent to an open relationship. You basically want two things. Your family. Fun times with hot men. That's the vibe I'm getting. You either carry on as you are, separate, or find a third way. Ethical non-monogamy might be what you need.

I'm usually all for LTB in these situations

But you have two really young kids. If you split there still wouldn't be any bar hopping, impromptu holidays, popping here and there whenever you felt like it

I don't have children but it strikes me this is the toughest bit of parenthood. As a father your DP sounds like a good egg, one of the rare few we see around here!

I'm not seeing the benefits to a split right now if I'm honest. Is it intolerable to live with him or do you rub along OK even if it's not exciting?

I would be concerned that you split and you're not any happier afterwards as more of the household/ childcare load is on you if your DP can't afford to move somewhere with space for the children.

Thanks for the comments about staying whilst they are little. This has been my biggest decision to make.

Do I stay and hope for the best whilst in the early years? Maybe I would grow to love him truly as an actual romantic partner. Then by the time the kids are a little older we'll have built a relationship as romantic partners and not just housemates/parents.

Our incomes combined would also give us a comfortable life for our children. Not luxurious but comfortable. Holiday abroad once a year and weekend breaks with activities and clubs.

Or

Do we separate now whilst the kids are too young to remember us ever being a thing?

But I'm not naive and have seriously looked into how things would likely be.

Financially id manage. But that's it. Manage and not financially thrive. Neither me or DP would. I'd be better off than him but we'd both be 'managing'.
The kids wouldn't get much in regards to holidays and activities etc.

Neither me nor DP would see our kids everyday and that would be really tough for us both.

Like another poster said, I wouldn't ever be able to go back to life how it was. So even if he had the kids on the weekend, I wouldn't be off on hot dates, driving around the city carelessly and popping in on friends.
Id likely be catching up on housework and laundry and doing the food shop. Maybe the odd meal with friends. But it wouldn't be the same lifestyle as before.

Sigh. I just can't believe I'm in this situation. Did biology take over my mind? Was it grief? Or am I just a fucking idiot.

The worst part is there are two tiny children in all this. Babies. It's one thing for me to mess up my own life but my mess ups are going to potentially affect the projectory of their childhoods.

Currently they have two hands on parents that are 100% invested in them 24/7 in their own home.
How can I deny them this?

Also I don't take DP for granted. Since having kids I've met countless mums everyday at playgroups. I also have friends and colleagues who have had children. There's not been a single other father I know of who is as hands on mentally and physically as DP. He's the equivalent of them having another mother in terms of child rearing and the general running of the household.
Friends always say they wish they could clone him. There is no way that I would ever find another man like this. No other man would love or be as invested in my children. No other man would be as invested in running a home like we do. They may be better financially or sexually but not in regards to the work he puts into this family/house. It's DPs whole world.

Fuuuucccckk.

To be honest, I think you need to appreciate what you've got.Your title is very 'woe is me'....alot of people would kill to have what you have, two beautiful little children, and your husband sounds like a lovely man.
You sound quite shallow....like you think life should be all about brilliant sex, parties and irresponsibility.
But you chose to take a different path....you chose to have two children.
I think when you say about making your bed and lying in it that's exactly what you need to do.
Step up and focus on the blessings right in front of you.
We all miss our carefree 20s, but as hard as it is, those days can't last forever.

All I can say here is the advice a close friend's mum said to her recently: stay married and cheat.

I don't think the OP sounds shallow at all. It's soul destroying being stuck in a sexless relationship where there's no spark, but you feel you have to stay for your DC's sake. Speaking from experience here.

Having said that, I do agree hanging on until he's solvent (if it really will be only a couple of years) while getting out there and seeing your friends is possibly the best option.

That's terrible advice

If he were to resolve his erectile issues do you think sex could improve?

and I don’t think you are shallow or wistful - I think you had a plan and age and hormones impacted your previously good decision making. He does sound a good man though so must be tough.

I agree with this and I am generally free and easy with my LTBs

honestly if you at all can…wait until your youngest is at least 2 and revisit this then.

I have a 6m old and 2.5 yr old and honestly my excellent, smug, we are soooooo perfect for each other marriage is definitely in the shitter right now… but we want it to be/ know it to be temporary.

you have kids, it’s not all bad there’s a lot of good stuff in there I’d give it time.

you also talk about it like you didn’t actively choose this, it just “happened” but you did chose it and him there has to be something to like there…

okay so he isn’t the best earner, the guy that is an amazing earner is NOT the guy doing 50/50 and bringing you coffee after your lie in…

I also thought of attachment issues reading your posts op, you sound truest excellent as well but just saying. I think couples counselling is generally absolutely shit and I would highly recommend either one-to-one or even group therapy which you might enjoy and find more stimulating and it might help you put things in perspective more.
while you are freaking out like this I would suggest don’t do anything apart from hold your nerve and get some good quality therapy for yourself in place.
also, you’re right, it’s a shockingly quick turnaround and you prob need some time to adjust to motherhood/hormones/all the changes/the fact that this is a new part of life, and maybe you need to grieve the old one.
because there’s no going back lovely, even if you split up with him. Like you say, whatever you do, life has moved on now.
it will be okay, they do grow up shockingly fast although it doesn’t feel like it at the time, you get your self back in increments over that time and you learn to make it work for you. Maybe you’re in a bit of shock, it wouldn't be that surprising

Agree with this post.

I wouldn't do anything right now.

You have a young family and a man who is involved in caring for you and the babies. Becoming a single parent is hard work. You have to work, take care of the children, take care of the house, half the income so less fun. Nobody on hand to just be there while you nip out for an hour. It is relentless. I'm exhausted with having to do it all. To put yourself in that position right now just because there is no chemistry is silly. You have to consider too that a new man means step dad for your babies. The complication of potential blended families or else not meeting anyone new for years so being lonely.

Reading you last post I say stay. You won't ever be happy because you cannot have your child free life and you will never find such a good father. You are a mother now you need to do what is best for the children. He sounds like a good man who will try and get the spark back if you work on it together.

You haven't ruined your life.You have two very small children. They won't always be two very small children and they will grow up. Parenting will change. He will be able to go away and do things when they are older and they will be fun and their own individual people who you will have a brilliant time getting to know.

Honestly. If you are wistful for your younger years now. Being a single parent is just going to drive those wishes even further away.

I think in your position I would stay. You have a partner who is hands on..I think you need a break. Take a couple of days off. Book yourself a hotel and go out with some friends. Do it every few months. It might make a big difference to how you feel.

It just sounds like life to me. Things might get better between you with time and when the kids aren't so little!

There is ALOT to unpack here and before making any harsh decisions I would recommend speaking to a professional individually. Not just generic counselling but maybe explore various modalities of therapy available if you are willing to go private.

There are issues relating to your past, present and future and I think you would be in a better place to make a choice when you understand why you think and feel the way you do and where those core feelings and thoughts came from.

I don’t think the person or ‘thing’ you are looking for actually exists.

Plus, dating in your 30s with children is nothing like in your 20s at all. It is important to be realistic, if you have any 30+ single friends or relatives maybe ask them what their experiences have been like.

What about the lack of sex?! I couldn’t tolerate that. Yep, l had twins and 6 months after they were born we had a fair amount of great sex. Plus they don’t have much else in common.

I felt very unsettled in my life when my children were young like yours. Struggled to rein in impulsive feelings. Ended up having counselling for a long time from someone who specialised in post natal depression. Turned out I was really depressed and it hadn't been treated after the first child.

Seek out some counselling for yourself to give yourself space to adjust to your life with children and explore the big decisions you are considering.

I think people are missing massive two points.
1.) you did not fall in love with this man and previously had a steady, loving relationship which has gone a bit stale now you're parents to two very young children. You were not that bothered about him and then faced a huge traumatic event which he helped you through. I am sure he was very nice to you during this time but I don't imagine it was ripping each other's clothes off or long philosophical discussions into the night. He was there, supportive, like a friend would be, and you formed a strong bond through it. This was never destined to be romantic.

2.) you know now how it can be awkward as fuck to share a home and raise children with someone who is essentially a good mate , without any romance or even things in common. Is it any better to wait it out until the kids are older? Can you put up with this life for that long?

You know yourself how you feel about it. I've lived it and know how awkward it can be when you're not in love but have to pretend you are. It will only get worse and your kids will start expecting you to be romantic like the bloody horny parents on Bluey.

HOWEVER
As a now single parent I can tell you that it's tiring, thankless and about as fair from glamorous as it gets. I have been on 0 dates in two years. We are skint. Ex DP is skint and miserable. It's all on me all the time.
He does not have 50/50 due to work and so my life is very much work, parent, sleep. Do I regret it? No. Am I living my dreams? No.

I think you’re having a bit of an existential crisis due to life changing and getting older all in one swoop. Deep breaths. Yes life has changed but it can’t go back to what it was. Smashing up your current life won’t bring back the old one.

Focus on what you have in your life now - there are lots of concrete positives, the negatives are mostly to do with your feelings (which will be all over the place with a 6 month old). Focus on how you can build on what you’ve got.

Maybe start saving for a holiday for you and the family. Somewhere you would really like to go. Or even a holiday without the family , just you on your own adventuring for a couple of days.

I agree with PP, give it a couple of years. Take time to let your emotions and nostalgia settle down. This too shall pass and you will see things more clearly in time.

OP, I love your frankness.
You were having a blast and blew it😁.
I think grief, Covid, world uncertainty played their part.

Do NOT get married under any circumstances.

He may be a great father, is pulling his weight etc., BUT he is a liar.
He massively mislead you and lied about debt.
That's huge IMO.

I think you need to wait and plan until he is solvent.
Get a the youngest to 3 and free hours and organise yourself as best you can to co parent in future.

Put your all into work to position yourself well.
Invest in yourself and keep those friends close.
See how things go and if you feel the same when your youngest is ready for pre school, start looking into the logistics.
For goodness sake sort out your contraception too!

So sex was bad in the beginning why did you bother dating him
why on earth did you move him in
and get pregnant
not once
but twice

In what world will a night in a hotel or a weekend away cure the fact that she has had two children and bought a dog with a man completely incompatible for her. No sex?? Not just 'no sex now' but 'no sex ever' are people not reading? This isn't the 18th century, we don't have to do this anymore.

It would be the main issue that needed resolving as no one can live without it forever. Then you’ll hit 40 and cheat.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way OP. Whatever you do, you have options. Can you get some kind of counselling to perhaps work out what is best for you and your family? It might mean staying, it might mean leaving but at least if you can have some clarity and thought regarding what to do going forward that may help you in some way then you won't feel like you're a passenger in your own life.