I've ruined my life by having a family

[Thirtylifecrisis]

Just as the title says really.

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.
I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on. As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with
Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

I spent a decade living like this.
I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in. Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.
He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh. My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.
We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was eachother and netflix.

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.
Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family. We had our baby.
DP got an IVA for his debts. We got a dog. I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra). We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.
Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended. He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

This was very long winded but so cathartic to write. So thank you for anyone who's read this.

“The prize I’ve got isn’t what I’d have chosen”

No more is it for many people. Instead of dwelling on the negatives - the rubbish/non-existent sex, or the fact that you don’t share a sense of humour, focus on the positives. You must have read enough posts on Mumsnet to know that a kind and loving husband who puts you and the children first is not a given? What is it you want to trade your DP for? Nobody comes with a guarantee - and even though he proved to have been irresponsible with money, he’s doing his best to make it work for you as a family - I don’t know many men who would be happy to let their wife take total control of their money, up to and including having their wages paid into your account, and I can only imagine the comments it would elicit if the boot were on the other foot! I think you’re chasing rainbows - for all you know, the happy couples at the wedding you went to go home and worry about how to pay the rent, or are TTC and failing, or are having terrible rows - you never know the inside of somebody else’s relationship. You have chosen (and lockdown notwithstanding, it was a choice) to have a family with this man, and by your own account he is a first rate father, so hold on to the positives. You don’t have to have penetrative sex to have a meaningful and loving relationship - you can kiss and cuddle just as much as those at the wedding you seem to regard with such envy. Your young footloose fancy free holiday-filled life has come to an end for now - you have family responsibilities, so concentrate on your children, and also, dare I say, on what might make your DP happy. He tries his best for you - and you might find that in making an effort for him, your love grows. There’s nothing stopping you from pouring a glass of wine, putting on some music, and dancing and kissing and laughing with your partner in your kitchen, if that’s what you want! The grass is most certainly not always greener in the other side of the fence. Make the most of what you have, rather than forever comparing yourself with others and mourning the freedoms you have lost. Life is not a static thing, and you will gain more freedoms as your children get older - and their childhood passes more quickly than you can imagine, so treasure up those little ones and make the most of what you have.

He sounds lovely. Would he consider an open relationship? So he gets the dream family life (and meal ticket..) and you get to experience some romance?

Could be worth exploring in therapy.

Could you help him rent a cheapish 2 bedroom place (be a guarantor/pay 6 months up front for him) and then share care 50/50 so he can claim universal credit for the children to afford to house them and care for them?

Could you afford the mortgage by yourself if he moved out? If he had the children 50/50 could you increase your earning power?

I appreciate you've lost your freedom with 2 kids to provide for and look after. But if you can manage financially you're kind of in a perfect position to be a single parent if such a position existed. You can genuinely share care and responsibility for the kids knowing they will be fully looked after, while having fun in your time off and/or earning more money and supporting a career. I ended up a single parent of one 3 year old and never got a penny in maintenance, as well as not trusting the father to provide proper care for the child in my absence. I'm not saying that to be bitter, just saying you aren't in the worst situation at all. You can make the best of it.

I read somewhere not to make major decisions during the first year or two after having a child ( not only a first one). There’s so much going on at that time that any major decision can be a function of things that can settle with time.

how does your DP feel about the relationship? Would he (and also you) be ok with you dating around while co-patenting and living together? Is there a win win situation you can work out?

Insolvent, liar, broke and can't get an erection... catch of the century! Not...he's a good dad, but as a partner he's a terrible prospect! Some women's bars are so low!

I don’t think getting rid of him will make you happy.

You’re longing for a carefree life in your 20s, with no commitments, no long term decisions. It wouldn’t exist now even if you hadn’t met him and had children. The friends of different ages would be in different life stages. Most people must know someone who lived the dream in terms of freedom, money and fun in their 20s, and then seemed to just fade and never find their place as they got older?

Returning him won’t get that back. You’ll never have that carefree nature back, because you’re not. At the very least, you’d be older; with two kids and housework and food shops and soon enough you’ll have school admin and sports clubs and things on top of that too. I think you need to be really realistic about what your “other” life would actually look like, if you smash this one up.

Everything is written so beautifully, but also so wistfully, through the rosiest of rose coloured glasses. Even now, when people are trying to warn you. A “secret cigarette”. That feels naughty and French and carefree when you’re 21. It feels a lot sadder smoked out of a bathroom window reminiscing about the past as your children sleep.

If I was you, I’d put a lot of effort into your relationship and trying to find things in common. I’d be stunned if you can’t. 2026 isn’t too far away; and by that time: you’ll have a clear idea if there’s any future, as well as him being out of debt.

But I’d also be really careful that you’re not throwing away what seems like a good 30-something life wistfully remembering a good-20 something life. Weekends wine tasting with new friends while your children are with their Dad might be fine; but weekends sipping a glass by yourself waiting for them to come home because that scene doesn’t exist for you anymore could be a bit bump back to earth.

This nails it.

I'd also consider PND. But ultimately the grass is always greener and it sounds like you have a good situation.

You have a partner you shares your values, is a good father, and treats you well. You are also in the early baby/toddler stage where everything can feel dire.

you could leave, but you are chasing a spark or a sense of romance that may never happen. You aren’t the same carefree person you were before. Your life will now always be a woman whose first priority is two children.

my advice would be to not make any big decisions in the first year of a baby’s life (as long as there is no abuse)

I've read all your posts now and sincerely I'd recommend therapy solo - psychotherapy will give you fantastic insight into why you are harking back to the "freedom" years while also embracing stability for your life and kids. You chose the domesticity - you had choices about whether to continue the pregnancies or get a dog. And it's okay that part of you wanted that. Be kind to that side of yourself.

This is just a phase in your life. You can have it all but not at the same time.

What an absolutely shit thing to do to a decent man and a brilliant father! I've heard it all now, how to trash a relationship in one easy step.

'Fun times with hot men' - not enough eye-rolls. The OP is a grown up now with two children. That's the whole point, they aren't in their 20s anymore.

I'd love to know the reaction to this suggestion if the OP was a man.

Whatever you decide to do OP, please make sure your contraceptive methods are bomb proof. You do not want or need another baby.

I'd suggest not getting married to DP, if he decides to propose for some reason. So you keep an easier exit option if it comes to it.
By the sounds of it, you children need this man in their life as a constant because he sounds like a brilliant father.
You are mourning your care free younger self for realistic reasons but please don't underestimate the hormonal side of things, you've had 2 babies quite close together and the youngest has barely arrived- 6 months is nothing. Your are still not 'settled' in that sense. You should probably stay put for another 6 months and see how you feel then.
And also consider the fact your previous lifestyle would have probably lasted a maximum of 10 years at that rate and the chance of meeting the ideal romantic partner was quite slim.

Start by taking the rose tinted spectacles off and imagining that everything would have been perfect if lockdown hadn’t happened. It did. For all of us. Yours was pretty good in the sense you had a dependable and caring partner by your side who was your rock while your father was dying.

The more realistic alternative life you missed is not a life of you going on hot dates and meeting some rich handsome man, like Bridget Jones did. It’s a life in which you nurse your father by yourself with no moral support. A life in which you couldn’t meet anyone new or go travelling easily for at least two years due to lockdown, closed bars, mask mandates and travel restrictions and because your Dad was vulnerable.

It’s probable you’d now be in a panic about not having had children yet. I guarantee that, whatever the future holds for your current and future relationships, you’ll be glad you had them. You need to stop blaming him and the universe for choices you made together. Start treating him with a bit more respect. Either accept his debt repayment schedule or discuss ways of changing it as a couple (him earning more and you doing more at home; you earning more and contributing…). At least that way he’ll be financially capable of surviving when you leave him. Life was never going to be all cocktail parties and holidays and it isn’t your partner’s fault that this is what you crave.

Even without this guy, If it's the carefree life you want back, you could be waiting a while (until kids are 18/19).

You don't have to stay with this man, he can continue to be a great dad elsewhere.

I think you would really benefit from individual therapy. It is damaging to fantasise about the past so much.

Or, you can do what a lot of men seem to do, and just start shagging around behind your husband's back?

But even if you did that, I don't think you would "fix" how you're feeling inside, so that's why individual talking therapy would be preferable.

Context is different but you sound very much like me often on my bad days - panicking, trapped. It is HARD to be a mother. You are carrying a lot. I try to let go of the ‘baggage’ and live more in the moment - I think i tend to give a lot of meaning to everything and then over my life it’s built up and now I carry it everywhere and when I’m run down or feeling shit I’m SO aware I have all these things hanging on me and I just want to run. You need more time for yourself to do whatever the hell you want. I will dm you when I have more time xx

This is difficult as your life will become a lot harder if you leave. But stay and be unhappy, I don’t think that’s the right thing to do. Maybe wait until 2026 when his debts are cleared, give it some time as the first year of a babies life is tough for couples. Your old life is gone, there’s zero point dwelling on that. You would have changed anyway as you aged, meals with friends, maybe a few weekends away with girlfriends, they are all things you can still do. You’ve got a supportive partner, so once the babies are a little older you can still have a life, with your DP or not. It’s a tough decision and only you can decide, but you get one life and living it being unhappy seems so wasteful and you will regret it when the kids are older and you can’t rewind and be young again.

Admit shocked at the posts fan girling on the Dh. Dear me the bar for men is low. Lied about his debts, no sense of humour, low earner and impotent. Wow sign me up 🙄.

At least you are not married that’s something, There must have been a reason at the time for you to make the decisions you did so revisiting that and beating yourself up is futile.

In the very short term I would suck it up life with small kids is tough and relentless. In the longer term I would separate as amicably as possible while they are still young he can actively co parent so you can get lots of free time to get some of your life back.

It doesn’t sound like a life she should have to accept.

This man is financially irresponsible and can’t even maintain an erection.

OP - is the house solely in your name?

How long until that limp freeloader pays off his debts??

There has to be a way out.

It sounds like you are with a man whom you do not have compatibility or chemistry with.Do you think the debt and erectile dysfunction has caused you lose attraction.. Would you still mourn your old life if you chose someone more aligned to you. I think having your personal therapy will help you understand your relationship patterns.

^ I agree.

Firstly I am sorry your father died. Cancer is brutal.

It sounds like you had casual relationships, sex and lots of holidays.

You then made choices.
Nobody forced you to live with this man, or to have sex with him.
Nobody forced you to buy a bigger house.
Nobody forced you to bring a baby into the mix and then another, that’s what contraception is for.

You can’t blame your partner, ignorance is bliss on his side, he has no idea you hate him presumably.

Surely on some level you realised that these choices you made would result in responsibilities.
You have let life happen to you (you say you aren’t a passenger in your own life but it reads very much like you are). Like you have no control over yourself and are now wallowing in the reality that your life is “shit”.

Do you intend to tell this bloke how you feel so that you can leave and get on with your life, he sounds like he would manage the children without you. I have lots of single friends who would snap him up, he sounds very supportive and kind.

@Exactlab “ This man is financially irresponsible and can’t even maintain an erection.”

Is a man just a cock and a woman a vagina? What if it were OP entering meno and not wanting sex and a bloke posted this shit?

@TheaBrandt She fucking chose him!!!!! It wasn’t a surprise but let’s crack on anyway.

The grass is not always greener…if you separated your life would be much harder dealing with the DC alone when you have them with you, especially juggling school pickups, etc with full time work. You will be too exhausted to have the glamorous life you dream of, and you can’t be out all the time with 2 small kids.

Your DP is clearly a great father. Perhaps you could acknowledge the effort he is making by resolving not to do anything until his debt is paid off so that if you do split he can afford somewhere to live.

Maybe when the DC are a bit older you could look for a new role that involves travel? That would give you a bit of what you are missing and with DP at home the DC are looked after. It sounds like you are longing for something that is just not realistic given your situation, but you can have some of it - just not all of it.

But this is not the life I had envisaged

Basically everyone can say that in one way or another. At least yours isn’t anything horrendous. I really don’t want to be mean but you sound a bit juvenile. Get some perspective!

He sounds very hands on, morning coffee, laying clothes out, more than 50% of the housework, taking toddler to swimming and shopping. I get you miss your old life and its a hard reality, but could you manage in the house without him? Either way, the old life is gone, the babies are here, but I think it might be a real culture shock if he was gone. I'm not saying put up if you are really unhappy but it does sound like he's picking up alot of the slack and in particularly in the early years that is golden

Adding another voice to team "sit and wait".

It sounds like a lot of what you describe is:

1. Family life sucking out the romance - this is very normal and you are in the worst of it with two very young very dependant children. Over time, they become less dependant and free up more time for you to reconnect as a couple. That said, think about this from his POV for a second, you have already told your partner your feelings towards him have changed, he is likely in self preservation mode and holding back in connecting with you. For it to work you both need to approach this from a fresh start and WANT to make a go of it. Becoming a parent has changed both of you, you need to learn about each other again, and cherish the good points. You say there are no cuddles or affection, do you initiate them?

1. You grieving the life and freedom you used to have - again also very normal. Dare I say it though, you are no longer in your 20s and care-free, and the whole dating scene would be very different if you were single again. Think partners with more complicated setups, juggling childcare, exes, and other family issues on both sides, as well as the fact you'd be spending more of your free time doing things like catching up on housework than going on dates.

A lot of families break up on a quest for greener grass, but the sad fact is you might be better off watering your own. You say your partner was a rock in supporting you through the death of your father, and that he is an active partner and father. THIS is the stuff that matters.

He might be a bit useless with money, but you'd be no better off alone. You might find better sex from someone else, but who knows what other issues that person would come with and is it really worth breaking up a family for?

You need to focus on the good points, you have a stable, caring, partner who is an active father and you align on family values. Your children are attached to him. Your life is no longer what it was, but quite frankly this is the case whether you are together or not, having a family changes your whole life. You will get your freedom back one day, but please take some time to value the phase you're in, it will pass in a flash just like your old life