I've ruined my life by having a family

[Thirtylifecrisis]

Just as the title says really.

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.
I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on. As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with
Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

I spent a decade living like this.
I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in. Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.
He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh. My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.
We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was eachother and netflix.

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.
Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family. We had our baby.
DP got an IVA for his debts. We got a dog. I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra). We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.
Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended. He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

This was very long winded but so cathartic to write. So thank you for anyone who's read this.

You need your leave , this relationship will never make you happy

Thanks for your responses guys.

I'm honestly at a loss. Since that night several things have happened.

Me and DP talked when I'd calmed down a few days later.
I said to him that I'd drawn a line underneath it and have come to the conclusion the sex side doesn't work. I said he'd either gay, asexual or not attracted. But either way it isn't going to be my problem anymore as I was closing that side of things off. I told him I didn't harbour any negative feelings and he didn't need to worry as I wasn't going to change living arrangements or anything. That things would remain exactly as they are without the worry of sex. He was free to do whatever he liked in that regard for himself. I said we'd focus solely on the children and bringing them a banging childhood like we'd always dreamed of. I really reassured him all would remain the same my focus was on us focusing on our babies and the early years. I said things would probably be even better now that the pressure of sex was off the table

DP then said he does want sex and a sexual relationship. Infact he was adamant. He said what a few other posters have said and that he worries massively during the moment and feels pressure to perform and 'not let me down'. He said he really regretted the night before and had been thinking about it constantly all day on repeat and playing it over and over. He said he thought he was trying to be light hearted in the moment and relieve pressure on himself by making jokes but realised he killed the move massively. He wanted me to join one of his sex therapy sessions and I could discuss my side and maybe they could then know more where to pinpoint rather than just his side.

Now one thing he brought up was that in therapy they discussed his parents relationship. They've been together 40 years and have a solid marriage. Like two peas in a pod. However they've never displayed any physical affection to one other. His therapist asked him about what he'd ever seen of physical affection growing up which he'd never thought about prior. But he realised he never once has seen them hold hands, cuddle, sit on the same sofa together or physically touch. They are always together and laughing but never show any physical displays of affection. His dad will do anything for his mum in terms of practical kindness and support. Going to a late night pharmacy at the slightest sign of a cold, cooking her tea, always making sure she has a hot cuppa on the go. But never are they physically affectionate. He thinks this could possibly shaped how he is in a relationship. As we both analysed it, he is very much like his father. He's very much 'act of service' for me and the kids. He's very physically affectionate with the kids and cuddles them. But with me there is 0 physical. However those little signs of affection is what builds up to sexual affection.

Anyways since that discussion he has been more physically affectionate. We took the kids out on the weekend and he was holding my hand, putting his arm around me etc. when he gets in from work he is trying to hug me etc.

So I've no idea right now. I've got a lot on between work and the children so I'm kind of putting it to the side over Christmas and will address again in the new year. No idea what I'll do long term, but for now I'm just focusing on the babies.

I think it sounds really promising and it’s good that you have had what sounds like a frank talk and things have come to a head. I think with his level of enthusiasm speaks volumes and you might yet resolve everything. Don’t be too hasty…

I think that's a positive step forward, I really hope things improve and you find a way you can all be happy , ideally together.

Are you sure it's not just your hormones and maybe still give grieving from the loss of your dad, I had a very similar situation to you, I threw it all away he left and about two years later I realised I could have tried harder to make it better and make it work, but it was too late, he also did everything your Dp does and to find a man like that is like a needle in a haystack.
I'd have a long hard think and maybe a break and talk to him tell him what's wrong and maybe you both can work at it.
It's one of my biggest regrets I hurt him so badly and although I still love him now and realised what a mistake I made which he knows, he's never coming back.

That sounds like a very kind and vulnerable conversation which is a great foundation for things to get better.

Your dp's parents sound rather like mine - married 50 years and I've never seen any affection between them as far back as I remember. Never seen them hold hands or hug, or kiss, nothing. Looking at it now, I suspect that lack of affection came more from my DM than my df. But whilst it took me a bit of getting used to physical affection in my own relationships it didn't really take much effort to figure it out. And I'm pretty sure I've never been as wooden (excuse the pun) in the bedroom as your dp. So I don't think what he witnessed of his parent's lack of affection is necessarily the cause of his own behaviour, but it's a possibility.

His ED can't be that bad - you've managed to get pregnant twice and the spontaneous blowjob suggests he can get it up without planning/popping blue pills in advance.

Is there any chance he may be neurodirverse? The way you described him almost hints at ASD - super practical, very forthright and blunt with his communication, not very emotive, and clearly terrible at learning the art of physical intimacy.

My suggestion would be to take sex off the table completely, for a short while at least. During which time you work together on 'basic' physical intimacy without an expectation of it progressing to sex. Things like holding hands, cuddling, giving each other a squeeze/touch/hand on each others waist as you go about your day. Basically the complete opposite of just walking in and giving him a BJ. 😂 Then try giving each other massages. Maybe remove the no sex rule at this point because there's every chance it could go in that direction as a natural progression. If none of that works he's probably a lost cause!

That is positive but be mindful that he will probably say, and genuinely think, anything that is necessary to keep you. By all means allow him the opportunity to grow and change. But be mindful that the appearance of being willing to do so may be a way to keep things exactly the same. Even if there is a genuine desire, it will be in the face of sustained resistance (repression) and simply may not be possible for him. In all likelihood it is not, but that's not to say you won't have a happy ending because I simply do not know.

He has all the facts he needs now. Things will either get better or they won't. If they don't, it doesn't really matter why. What matters is that you part on good terms.

Have you looked into the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire? If couples are different to each other in this regard or don’t know how to read each other it can cause issues like you describe. Also tbh you sound like you are sort of challenging him to ‘be a man’ which is likely to put him off initiating too. Maybe sex therapy for you too?

UPDATE:

It's been a while since I was on this thread and I recently remembered it.

I reread my OP and felt a sadness at it, remembering the desperation I felt when writing it.

I thought I'd come back and give a life update for those who took the time out to reply and give me a lot of great advice. Also for anyone else who felt as I did to give them hope.

Since the thread I tried to squash down my feelings of sadness again. I tried to be grateful for what I had an ignore every fibre of my being telling me that the relationship isn't right.
I started to have actual nightmares of it being my wedding day and having to marry DP. All our family and friends there and me trying to force myself to go through with it and walk down the Aisle.

A major anniversary came up and DP took me to a posh restaurant and the entire way there I was so anxious I felt sick thinking he was going to propose to me. I felt my heart pounding in my chest with worry about it.

I then started trying to look for things to point to him cheating or doing something awful so that I had a reason to justify me leaving him and breaking up the family unit.

It was rough and my soul just could not rest.

We hadn't had sex since before I wrote this OP. He still remained asexual and had 0 sexual desire.
As predicted on this thread, someone I was attracted to showed me attention and I lapped it up.
Nothing happened but I felt a light was 'switched on' within myself. Suddenly I felt colour again and not the grey I had been feeling. I realised that I could not go another year feeling the way I did. I also couldn't put DP through another year of pressure for him to be someone he is not, to feel pressured to act in a way that does not come naturally to him.

I ended the relationship 6 months ago. DP has moved into a rental around the corner (literally) that's owned by a family member.

DP took it way better than expected as he knew it was coming and how unhappy I was. He has since moved on (already?) and seems happier to some extent. From what I can gather their relationship isn't sexual but more companionship which I am very happy about. I really do care about him and want him to be happy. He really deserves it.

The kids have adjusted really well. Thanks to me and exdp being amicable and good friends, they seem us both pretty much everyday. He still does nursery runs, we both do bedtimes together a couple nights a week. We go on family days out too.

As for me, well, it's not been 'easy' but I feel a massive weight has been lifted. I am happier. I no longer look at the future with sadness and panic. I now look at it with both excitement and anxiety. The future is unwritten, who knows where it will lead? It could be amazing, could be bad, probably be a bit of both. But I know for a fact it wouldn't have been happy had I have stayed.

For anyone reading this that can relate or feels so torn in their relationship (too bad to stay, to good to leave), I advise you leave. If it truly was too good to leave then you'd not even consider it being 'too bad to stay'.
If I'm lucky enough to be 85 someday, I'd hate to be sat there looking back at a life wasted because it was 'safe' or the 'right thing to do' by societies standards. Society has had many varying standards over hundreds of years that certainly wasn't 'the right thing to do', so don't let that ever dictate how you live your life. You need to be authentic. Living a lie kills you slowly inside. I don't wish it for anyone.

To everyone on this thread that contributed. Thank you. It's been a hell of a ride, but I'm so grateful I posted. X

Thank goodness ! I am so pleased you decided to end the relationship as I believe at one point you were going to endure it for the sake of your children.

Thank you so much for the update.

One day you will meet the love of your life and it will be mutual.

Such a positive update @Thirtylifecrisis . It's good to read it. It sounds like you really did the right things for you, your partner and the children and handled it all well. As you say, who knows what may happen in the future - but possibilities are endless, and in the meantime you are clearly much happier. Thank you for letting us know

Glad it worked out for you all @Thirtylifecrisis

Delighted to read this update.
So pleased.
You made the correct decision.
You tried.
The children will be fine because they will see you both be fine.
Children are surprisingly selfish. Once their needs are being met in a happy peaceful environment of love and respect, they do really well. This is their new reality and they see you too are happy and are lead by you both.

I am so glad for you. Nice man he may be as far as you are concerned, but I believe you were caught and played. I don't do lies, so for me his lies took your agency.

I am so glad you chose you. He didn't deserve you. You deserve so much better. Stay in this holding position and continue to get your head straight.

I think you have learned so much from the past few years, and from being honest with yourself.

Do not rush into any new relationship. Have a look at the step parenting forum on here as living with another man when you have children reads as more trouble than its worth.

Focus on what works for you, fits in with your life, keeping any future relationship separate from your children.
I really wish you well.

Great update, so happy for you op

Exactly, I’d swerve a man like this when I was single.

The red flag would be him having two young kids - I’d wonder why his partner left him as most women wouldn’t ditch a good partner to raise their kids alone.

So many people are saying he’s wonderful but only a few picked up on the fact he was massively deceptive about his finances.

I’m new to this thread and only just read all the OP’s updates now including the latest one and I think @Thirtylifecrisis made a good decision.

Not surprised to hear he has moved on so quick, I suspect this man wasn’t necessarily deeply in love with you either but he felt happy enough and comfortable living with you especially after you had the kids.

When I ready your replies OP, it’s as if you have been playing dating roulette throughout your 20s, and covid was just an unknown and unfortunate time where the wheel stopped turning and you landed with the guy you are with now. From the way you describe your past, you could have really ended up with absolutly anyone, if you were still casually seeing them during the Covid time and if they had made the decision to move in.

However, you mentioned you wanted a family. Honestly, dating just for causal hook ups and dating for a long term partner are 2 very very different things, because chemistry and common insterest, aswell as them being a decent human being (which is the only part your OH ticks) becomes important.

It is unfortunate that you have ended up with someone that you are not 100% feeling - it sounds like these feelings were present before you had children.

Only you know deep down what you want. You can choose to give yourself a 6 month runway and maybe make small efforts to bring back your old life.

Also maybe part of your role in the relationship is to introduce the entertainment.

I can relate to suddenly settling, and feeling a little lost in a relationship post baby - my partner is more domestic, and I am more of the person that ensures the family goes out. I organise museum trips, local fairs and festivals, and our latest project is redecorating so that we can have friends over for dinners over the winter (as my oh is very homey and loves cooking - whilst I like eating haha).

you may need to date eachother again and get to know eachother

@Breadandsticks I suggest you read OPs latest update. She has left him.

You are amazing, OP. Well done for taking such a monumental life step! You are strong and courageous and your kids will admire you for that

Well don't ruin his life by staying and wasting his time.

@Meandmyguy

Did you miss the update ?