This isn't me is it?

[WeNeedBees]

I have had so many issues in my marriage with my DH he says I can't be trusted, I don't feel like that is justified at all. I have never cheated, I have never behaved inappropriately or had an emotional affair.

He says I lead men on, I need attention from them, I can't be trusted.

I am losing sight of what is rational here, maybe it is me?

Last nights argument - A guy I did a sporting event with (as a group) last year followed me on Instagram, I accepted and followed him back. Both of us are married. There has been no further interactions, no messages, nothing.

My DH has gone crazy - I am leading this guy on, we will at some point start messaging, I want his attention.

This is fairly typical of the accusations, another example from two weeks ago -

A guy was arranging to cut the grass, there were a few messages back and forth and then we finalised the date/time/cost. Rather than send another message I just reacted to the message with the heart. To my mind that says yes I have seen this message and I am happy with it.

Same thing the next time he was due to come round, he had to change the agreed time so we rearranged and I heart reacted it. My thought process was that DH wouldn't like me prolonging a conversation and that just shut it down whilst accepting.

Apparently this is a sign of how I can' be trusted because the heart react is leading this guy on and giving him the wrong idea.

There are hundreds more examples I could give, all very similar - I don't feel like I behave inappropriately but DH says I can't be trusted.

I can't keep doing this, we are in therapy together but I can't see a way forward.

Is this me? Am I somehow begging for attention? I don't feel like I am leading people on but am I in denial. I feel like this whole thing is insane.

it is not you.

No you’re not.
I’m acutely aware of ‘keeping my side of the road clean’ Not because of DH but because of my job, I work in DV and with lots of vulnerable people. I have very strong boundaries around flirting, engaging with men etc.
It’s him not you.

He is gaslighting you! However, a thumbs 👍 up would be more appropriate than a ❤️

I disagree. In a healthy relationship OP doesn’t need to get into that granular level of policing her reactions.

The thumb just seems passive aggressive, I am showing my millennial colours there I admit!

You're in an abusive relationship.

I'm appalled your therapist hasn't took you asside and told you this yet.

But unfortunately it's never recommended to attend therapy with abusive partners as they often hoodwink therapists and use them against you to further make you feel like you're the problem.

Get therapy individually for yourself.

And get as far away from your abuser as possible.

Heads up, often they don't actually genuine think you are cheating. They want you to believe they believe you are cheating. So that you spend your whole life trying to moderate yourself. Too busy looking inwards thinking you are the problem to look up and see- that they are a fucking evil whackjob.

It's all about control. He is deliberatly
trying to break you.

Do not tell him you are leaving. Get your ducks in a row, see a solicitor and get out. Have a family member or friend (if he hasn't alienated you from them) with you when you serve him divorce papers.

He is nuts. And be under no illusions here, he is also dangerous. Get out.

It isn't you

It’s definitely him

We actually have between 3 - 5 therapists in each session, the lead one and then the 'listening' therapists that discuss what they thing of the conversation at the end.

They seem to have understood that his insecurity is the main problem but as we have attended together they seem to be helping us work out how we can improve this relationship.

Do you actually want to be with him? As he is now?
Cos he’s not going to change, you’re already in therapy and you’re asking us!
So it’s down to can you stay living like this?

He's saying you can't be trusted because he can't be trusted. Because he would behave like this he can't understand that you wouldn't. His accusations may well be admissions.

It's not you.

I can't keep doing this, we are in therapy together but I can't see a way forward

That's because therapy with an abuser/controller is a bad idea. They tend to get the therapist onside with their charm/sob stories and make everything out to be your fault. And you end up posting on MN

I feel like this whole thing is insane.

It is. That's exactly how I felt when I was married. I felt like I was going out of my mind but I couldn't articulate why. They keep your head filled with them all the time so you don't have the headspace to think clearly about their behaviour and see it for what it is. Your therapy should be a place where you can explore that, but not with him present.

3-5 therapists? I'm baffled.

It wouldn’t surprise me if he has or is cheating. Normally when people become this obsessive it’s because they know what they are capable of themselves.

It is 100% not you.
I think you have bigger problems than the emojis you use to respond to messages, but as a side note, I totally agree with you. Thumbs up feels passive aggressive so a heart means I agree/thanks/I've seen and acknowledged your message.
I have a man come to feed the cat while I'm on holiday. He messages me each time he's been with a little update. Sometimes I reply, mostly I just heart them. To say thanks I acknowledge. I doesn't mean I'm leading him on.

There is the main therapist who leads the session. Then between 2 - 4 other therapists who just listen. At the end of the session the listening therapists have a conversation between themselves about what they heard, which we listen to and then have chance to address it.

It was a bit weird at first but the idea is that when you are listening and not responding you can actually understand more (or something like that)

You have done nothing wrong OP. His behaviour is unacceptable.

My xh was like this, I could just smile and say hello to a man in a normal manner and he'd accuse me of flirting, even accused me of flirting with a woman once.

It will never end, you shouldn't need to be policing your own,very normal, interactions so much, you need to end this relationship

I know this is probably a generational thing but why is the thumbs up passive aggressive? I take it to mean I agree, or that's great.
I would find the use of a heart to a casual acquaintance really over familiar - a sign of affection. If people use hearts to casual acquaintances what do they use on messages to those people they really do love?
I'm not criticising. Just genuinely confused.

Unfortunately they've fallen into the trap of mistaking control as 'insecurity'.

Chances are they are actually trying to lead to you deciding to leave him tbf. They may feel its not safe for you to call out his abuse. But still, ugh, to them.

There's no excuse for abuse.

Honestly - I think I just want out but I am embarrassed that my marriage has failed (we have been married less than a year) and I am worried that it is me and I am not thinking clearly and I will be making a mistake.

Are you sure he isn’t the one cheating

Bit strange regarding emojis. Heart means love. If you type in love then the heart emoji comes up on the predictive text

Why would thumbs up be passive
Type in ok and the predictive text comes up with the thumbs up sign