This isn't me is it?

[WeNeedBees]

I have had so many issues in my marriage with my DH he says I can't be trusted, I don't feel like that is justified at all. I have never cheated, I have never behaved inappropriately or had an emotional affair.

He says I lead men on, I need attention from them, I can't be trusted.

I am losing sight of what is rational here, maybe it is me?

Last nights argument - A guy I did a sporting event with (as a group) last year followed me on Instagram, I accepted and followed him back. Both of us are married. There has been no further interactions, no messages, nothing.

My DH has gone crazy - I am leading this guy on, we will at some point start messaging, I want his attention.

This is fairly typical of the accusations, another example from two weeks ago -

A guy was arranging to cut the grass, there were a few messages back and forth and then we finalised the date/time/cost. Rather than send another message I just reacted to the message with the heart. To my mind that says yes I have seen this message and I am happy with it.

Same thing the next time he was due to come round, he had to change the agreed time so we rearranged and I heart reacted it. My thought process was that DH wouldn't like me prolonging a conversation and that just shut it down whilst accepting.

Apparently this is a sign of how I can' be trusted because the heart react is leading this guy on and giving him the wrong idea.

There are hundreds more examples I could give, all very similar - I don't feel like I behave inappropriately but DH says I can't be trusted.

I can't keep doing this, we are in therapy together but I can't see a way forward.

Is this me? Am I somehow begging for attention? I don't feel like I am leading people on but am I in denial. I feel like this whole thing is insane.

It's 100% him.

It won't get better.

It's your decision if you want to live the rest of your life being controlled and walking on egg shells.

All perceived 'shame' about the failure of the marriage is on him. Do not be silent about that. Make sure people around you know what he's like.

And of course he is nice to your children. He knew full well early on that if he wasn’t you wouldn’t carry on seeing him. That was all part of his playbook.

I do hope you say 'Actually he has been abusing me for years and I'm leaving him. Even to the point where there have been rules around what I can and can't wear. So, just goes to show guys, you never know. He's not a model husband. He never has been. So just a heads up that you never know what going on behind closed doors'.

That is if you feel its safe to share with them.
I mean tbf they don't need to know. But it would piss me off no end having people assume he'd left me or that I'd somehow 'failed'. Fuck that, I'd tell the world he was abusive. Hopefully it'll stop any workplace idiots from pursuing him thinking he's a catch now you're out too.

WAKE UP, OP!!!!!

This is a tale as old as time and you've heard it a million times.

You know what he is!

i want to echo what many others are saying. The heart thing is irrelevant. You’re not leading anyone on by using a heart.

the important thing is your H is controlling and the relationship is abusive.

please get support for yourself OP. You’ve made a really good start by posting here. And I’m sincerely hoping your therapists can support you to leave this relationship in a safe way.

I think people are saying you've made a small faux pas, not that your abusive husband has a point.

F him! That’s ridiculous

It's him, the instagram example is controlling. However, it is weird to heart react to messages like that.

No, you are just doing normal everyday things and shock horror, sometimes living your everyday life involves interacting with men.

The fact that he says something like you’re ‘begging’ for attention is just so poor.

If he can’t cope with your normal everyday interactions… and you say you aren’t sure if it’s going to work out… Is this relationship really worth your time?

My litmus test for any scenario like this is ‘does this relationship make my life better? Does it make me happy?’

Sounds like your answer is no to both.

It's not a faux pas. I get heart reactions at work - I don't think that nice young Tom from Marketing fancies me. He just liked what I wrote. I usually respond with a thumbs up, but sometimes that seems rude.

Maybe you should have mentioned this in your OP, and the phone thing!

Unless you are of a particularly strict religion, this isn’t what a normal relationship should be like by any measure.

Obviously somewhere like Saudi Arabia this would be normal but I somehow don’t think that’s the culture you live in.

He’s asking you to be someone you aren’t and insisting you follow his rules.

The words ‘bunch of fucking charlatans’ spring to mind

I heart messages from my manager. We’re not having an affair, nor are we going to have one.

Your husband is an abusive arsehole. Have my first ever LTB.

Micro cheating is men’s rights speak for “accusations that give me power over my woman.” I think its borrowed from the concept of the micro aggression. But where people of colour and women use the concept of the micro aggression as part of a broader critique of power and abuse in public and private settings men’s rights activists use the concept as a weapon against their partners.

Screwfix and Toolstation will have them if B&Q don't. Euro locks are trivial to replace but you need to measure the inside and outside barrel lengths before you buy the new barrels.

A short-term safeguard is to leave the key inside the lock, turned slightly, when at home. It stops him from opening the door from the outside.

Why thank you.
I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.
Especially complete and total strangers.

Absolutely agree OP - yes. It's time to tell everyone, we always have the instinct to protect someone we have cared about - especially if we are used to overpleasing them to avoid their upset. But it's not your job to cover up for him, no more protecting.

You have mentioned being embarrassed that you have been married less than a year- but you are not responsible for his behaviour. It makes perfect sense that his behaviour escalated when you got married and you are showing strength and clarity and wisdom by responding so quickly. I am sure your loved ones will be proud of you. AND they will have the information they need to fully support you. Xxxxx

Abusers (and yes it really is) like this RELY on you feeling embarrassed about it, so that you don't burst the bubble and reveal what a horrible arsehole they are.

Tell people. The more you do it, the easier it gets!

Yep, that was my first thought.

He’s an abuser and you’re trying to minimise it by calling him immature. You clearly have no experience of dealing with abuse or you’d recognise the signs by OP’s description of his behaviour towards her.

I hope you’re ok tonight OP ? X

If he has got worse since marriage @WeNeedBees , it's probably because he sees you even more as a possession he owns now, and thinks he gets to decide what 'it' (i.e. you) is doing.

Perhaps you didn’t comprehend my post.