This isn't me is it?

[WeNeedBees]

I have had so many issues in my marriage with my DH he says I can't be trusted, I don't feel like that is justified at all. I have never cheated, I have never behaved inappropriately or had an emotional affair.

He says I lead men on, I need attention from them, I can't be trusted.

I am losing sight of what is rational here, maybe it is me?

Last nights argument - A guy I did a sporting event with (as a group) last year followed me on Instagram, I accepted and followed him back. Both of us are married. There has been no further interactions, no messages, nothing.

My DH has gone crazy - I am leading this guy on, we will at some point start messaging, I want his attention.

This is fairly typical of the accusations, another example from two weeks ago -

A guy was arranging to cut the grass, there were a few messages back and forth and then we finalised the date/time/cost. Rather than send another message I just reacted to the message with the heart. To my mind that says yes I have seen this message and I am happy with it.

Same thing the next time he was due to come round, he had to change the agreed time so we rearranged and I heart reacted it. My thought process was that DH wouldn't like me prolonging a conversation and that just shut it down whilst accepting.

Apparently this is a sign of how I can' be trusted because the heart react is leading this guy on and giving him the wrong idea.

There are hundreds more examples I could give, all very similar - I don't feel like I behave inappropriately but DH says I can't be trusted.

I can't keep doing this, we are in therapy together but I can't see a way forward.

Is this me? Am I somehow begging for attention? I don't feel like I am leading people on but am I in denial. I feel like this whole thing is insane.

I am keeping a rough note and a LOT of people are saying how I responded to the garner is inappropriate - which is exactly what DH is saying.

So if I am leading people on like that he is right to not trust me.

Okay, so you've been sucked into this abusive relationship because of your past. That makes sense.

You should leave. If you really can't bring yourself to leave, you need to go back to your original therapist and tell her all the stuff you've told us. Although I'm still inclined to think she's not a very good therapist if she didn't drag some of this out of you in the first place.

None of this is normal or healthy. NONE of it.

He is nit just insecure—which he should work on in individual therapy—he is obsessive and agressively controlling. This is the thin end of coercive control. I am shocked your five therapists are unaware of this. Either dump this man on your own or stand up in the next therapy session and say “this level of obsessive control of my relationships and actions is abusive and is coercive. Therapy with my abuser is contraindicated and I need help getting out of this toxic relationship.”

I really liked the therapist, she was very kind and helped my self esteem no end. I was accused of wanting to have sex with her too come to think about it!

Don’t be ridiculous OP, nobody is saying him monitoring your phone, dictating what you can and can’t wear, who you can and can’t text, where you can and can’t go, is in any way reasonable.

Do you go through his phone? Next time he asks you for yours, tell him to give you his first. Since he has the history of cheating. Next time he tells you to get changed, tell him to put some scruffy old clothes on too. You don’t want him going out throwing himself at women either. See how that goes down.

I have honestly dreamed about doing that.

I thought therapy would open his eyes that he is the problem and while they are gently leading us in that direction, he is still refusing to acknowledge that. I really do feel like they can see what is happening but are taking a gentle approach.

Look: if your DH doesn’t trust you he should leave you. Just ket him go. You can never make yourself small enough for a man like that.

Other men exist in the world. You exist in the workd. You can’t be held responsible for every man you encounter. Your dh has to kearn to manage his shitty oatanoid inner life or you need to leave him to wallow in it. Because he can’t force you into a orison to protect his feelings.

Absolutely no need to be that nasty.

Oh OP, you sound like a lovely person who sees the good in people, but he's not a good person, he doesn't love you, he thinks he owns you, and the fact he doesn't trust you an inch is a stick he will beat you with forever. You can't win, you really can't.

The fact he's a cheater (best case scenario in the past), means he has been (is) an accomplished liar and he's projecting all of his own past lying, cheating behaviours onto you.

He's an abuser. Please don't even consider having children with him.

I try this. There is always a reason why it's different for him. Then we end up arguing, he will leave for 4 days while we argue over text and then it all gets swept under the rug as me having a mood swing.

example - I can't wear a crop top/sports bra in the gym but he can wear a muscle vest. I said we should both wear a t-shirt, the same rule for both. No that's not going to happen because a vest and and a sports bra top are not the same.

Ignore the heart thing - that is really ridiculous - it is not leading anyone on it is merely an acknowledgement of a message - but you are being controlled and told what to do, when to do it, what to wear - that is the problem not sending hearts - if a lot of people are focusing on that they are missing the whole point of the Op's post - the last message says it all really - he is so insecure he is ruining your life!!

This is because HE wants to have sex with her, it’s projection. Please seek advice from womans aid and consider doing the Freedom Programme.

But listen, you have stopped thinking logically and thinking for yourself here.

It’s not leading people on, it’s just not an appropriate reply.

Honestly OP the heart thing is irrelevant, I understand why you're focusing on it (because he has made it a massive thing) but it's deflecting from the real (massive) issues with his behaviour. I've been married 20 years and in all that time I have never once had 'rules' set by my DH about anything, not my clothes, not my use of kisses in messages, not when I can go out, nothing. And that's completely normal, that's how the vast majority of marriages work unless they are abusive. What you are experiencing is not normal and there are no excuses for his behaviour, he's not 'insecure', he's controlling and abusive and you are not safe with him.

So then you tell him you can wear what you want in 2024.

Oh bless you OP.

Did you experience childhood parental trauma and abuse that left you with negative beliefs about yourself? The people we seek relationships with as adults often mirror our childhood experiences. We seek familiarity in the disfunction. Was your relationship with your kids’ father abusive too?

Your first therapist is right, you need to work on your own trauma and negative beliefs or you will keep attracting people like this.

I say this as someone whose marriage also spectacularly failed after a year, and this was after a lifetime of failed, disfunctional relationships. Read some of my threads on here. My divorce finally opened my eyes to my own parents and how abusive they had been, and how unworthy of love I felt deep down. Try EMDR, it works wonders.

But leave the abuser first. it’s possible that you are both deeply damaged and abusive in your own ways. But you will never be any good for each other.

There you go. If it was a reasonable concern, it would apply at least as much to Mr Cheated-in-every-previous-relationship as it does to you, and he’d be keeping his own nose squeaky clean as well.

Ok ok - heart thing I take on board, a lot of people wouldn't use the heart react this way. But that it doesn't excuse the rest of the things. I think I am just getting so bogged down in it all. I can't see the wood from the trees.

Splitting up in practical terms is not difficult, I have financial stability and housing is not an issue. I have no concerns there. I am very fortunate in that respect.

The main barrier is staying strong. I have tried to split up with him many times and he just doesn't listen. I eventually give in and back down which then becomes me having a mood swing.

Your husband is a paranoid, controlling lunatic. You surely aren't going to allow embarrassment over a failed marriage make you stay in an abusive relationship?! The sooner you get out, the more of your life you get to live in freedom.

It’s not inappropriate like you’re leading him on, I just think it’s something some generations (mine) would see as unprofessional, perhaps. It in NO WAY is the same as leading someone on or giving them romantic/sexual signals, not at all.

Wow, definitely boiled frog, sadly, none of the behaviours you talk about are in any way normal and they are clearly controlling.

The heart thing is not leading anyone on. That's completely ridiculous and more controlling behaviour on his part.

You need to leave. It's not going to get better and it will get worse. And as other posters have said, it can get much much worse.

You're going to feel amazing when you're free of him. Stop putting your energy into responding to his mind games (that's part of why he's doing this, messing with you, so you're not focusing on getting rid of him), and starting pouring it all into a plan to get free.

Good luck

' I have financial stability and housing is not an issue. I have no concerns there. I am very fortunate in that respect.'

then LEAVE !

he doesn't need to listen

don't give in

just leave

While I think your husband is an insecure pillock, I do think it’s inappropriate to send hearts on business correspondence.

If you wouldn’t send hearts to HMRC or your bank why would you send them to anyone else in a business context? “OK” would have sufficed and would not be open to being misconstrued by anyone.

If you do send hearts to HMRC etc. please stop.

She has also named her children, I would have that taken away.