Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This isn't me is it?

369 replies

WeNeedBees · 02/08/2024 10:59

I have had so many issues in my marriage with my DH he says I can't be trusted, I don't feel like that is justified at all. I have never cheated, I have never behaved inappropriately or had an emotional affair.

He says I lead men on, I need attention from them, I can't be trusted.

I am losing sight of what is rational here, maybe it is me?

Last nights argument - A guy I did a sporting event with (as a group) last year followed me on Instagram, I accepted and followed him back. Both of us are married. There has been no further interactions, no messages, nothing.

My DH has gone crazy - I am leading this guy on, we will at some point start messaging, I want his attention.

This is fairly typical of the accusations, another example from two weeks ago -

A guy was arranging to cut the grass, there were a few messages back and forth and then we finalised the date/time/cost. Rather than send another message I just reacted to the message with the heart. To my mind that says yes I have seen this message and I am happy with it.

Same thing the next time he was due to come round, he had to change the agreed time so we rearranged and I heart reacted it. My thought process was that DH wouldn't like me prolonging a conversation and that just shut it down whilst accepting.

Apparently this is a sign of how I can' be trusted because the heart react is leading this guy on and giving him the wrong idea.

There are hundreds more examples I could give, all very similar - I don't feel like I behave inappropriately but DH says I can't be trusted.

I can't keep doing this, we are in therapy together but I can't see a way forward.

Is this me? Am I somehow begging for attention? I don't feel like I am leading people on but am I in denial. I feel like this whole thing is insane.

OP posts:
Original poster
WeNeedBees · 02/08/2024 11:27

Shineabrightlight · 02/08/2024 11:25

I know this is probably a generational thing but why is the thumbs up passive aggressive? I take it to mean I agree, or that's great.
I would find the use of a heart to a casual acquaintance really over familiar - a sign of affection. If people use hearts to casual acquaintances what do they use on messages to those people they really do love?
I'm not criticising. Just genuinely confused.

Show quote history

I don't know, it just feels passive aggressive. I think it's a generation thing maybe as the Thumb on facebook used to be a kind of put down. Like a sarcastic - Yea ok then.

OP posts:
Original poster
WeNeedBees · 02/08/2024 11:30

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I appreciate you are concerned, however I am finding it slightly odd that you have searched for me to find this info and mentioned it several times.

We are not arguing in front of the kids, they think he is great (as does everyone else). He is charming and makes a huge show of how much he loves me and he packs my lunch etc etc, everyone thinks I have such a great husband, no none (including the kids) see this side of him. He does lots for the kids, is interested in their day and lives, buys them treats, ferries them about....

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 02/08/2024 11:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

  1. Chances are they all work for one head therapist and do not challenge their thoughts.
  2. If you two split, they lose your money.
  3. Consider the experiment where there are three straws, one long and 2 short. Three people say the long is also short...the remaining two, although they feel otherwise, don't want to rock the boat so they agree.
  4. Many councilors are not trained to spot abuse. I've heard it say 'relate' councilors are shit at it for example.

So no I'm not surprised 5 people have failed to spot it, or at least, tell you.

Beepbeepz · 02/08/2024 11:33

All his accusations are confessions.

Log everything. Contact women's aid and make plans to LTB.

Original poster
WeNeedBees · 02/08/2024 11:33

Pinkbonbon · 02/08/2024 11:25

Unfortunately they've fallen into the trap of mistaking control as 'insecurity'.

Chances are they are actually trying to lead to you deciding to leave him tbf. They may feel its not safe for you to call out his abuse. But still, ugh, to them.

There's no excuse for abuse.

Show quote history

At the end of the last session one of the listeners said we talk a lot about the detail but not how we feel. I said I feel controlled and she gave me a massive smile, like to say, now you get it.

And during the session the lead said so DH, weneedbees has just told us that she has changed her clothing to appease you, how do you feel about that? So they can see it I think?

OP posts:
MaidOfAle · 02/08/2024 11:35

WeNeedBees · 02/08/2024 11:25

Honestly - I think I just want out but I am embarrassed that my marriage has failed (we have been married less than a year) and I am worried that it is me and I am not thinking clearly and I will be making a mistake.

Show quote history

I think I just want out but I am embarrassed that my marriage has failed

Read that back to yourself and give your head a wobble. You are tolerating a form of abuse, having your reasonable interactions with men policed and criticised by your insecure husband, because you are embarrassed. It's not your job to fix your marriage nor your husband.

What would you advise you sister or friend to do in this situation?

Pinkbonbon · 02/08/2024 11:35

Good, it seems they are trying to get you to figure out his behaviour is not ok then.

But be under no illusions, they cannot fix him because he doesn't want to be fixed.

GoodieMcTwoshoes · 02/08/2024 11:35

You're having to really restrict how you express yourself for fear of how he'll react. You should be able to be yourself in a relationship, within reason. He's partly trying to isolate you from others (at least from men, and that's 49% of people.) He maybe also sneakily tries to make you think female friends and family aren't good.

This is an aside but I would not put a love heart to a person I just wanted to mow the grass. Smile Men might take that to think you are interested, so I wouldn't do that with men usually, unless I was interested. Just click 'great' or something.

Original poster
WeNeedBees · 02/08/2024 11:39

Can I just point out the love heart react is not sending love hearts as a separate message, it is where you hold the message and it reacts to it. Not sure if that makes a difference?

Enough people have said that it is inappropriate that it seems to be backing up what my husband says. I have lead the gardener on. I have made him think I am interested in him.

If I am going around giving people the wrong idea like that maybe DH has a point. This is why I posted, because I can't think clearly.

OP posts:
medianewbie · 02/08/2024 11:39

@Pinkbonbon advice is excellent.
You don't need 5 therapist's to tell you (no wonder you're doubting yourself!)

It's him. Not you. He won't change.
Get out now. It took me 23 years.
that's 'embarrassing'. Don't be me. X

MillyCentTap · 02/08/2024 11:40

We are not arguing in front of the kids, they think he is great (as does everyone else). He is charming and makes a huge show of how much he loves me and he packs my lunch etc etc, everyone thinks I have such a great husband, no none (including the kids) see this side of him. He does lots for the kids, is interested in their day and lives, buys them treats, ferries them about....

That C is hiding the harm he is saving just for you @WeNeedBees.

Pinkypinkyplonk · 02/08/2024 11:40

medianewbie · 02/08/2024 11:39

@Pinkbonbon advice is excellent.
You don't need 5 therapist's to tell you (no wonder you're doubting yourself!)

It's him. Not you. He won't change.
Get out now. It took me 23 years.
that's 'embarrassing'. Don't be me. X

That’s good advice @WeNeedBees

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 02/08/2024 11:42

The heart thing is a minor point - I agree, I wouldn't use one for my gardener. But then, I'm always amazed at how many people routeinyl stick kisses on their messages. Let that go.

Overall though, this is HIM not you. And frankly, your therapists are incompetent. They should not be encouraging you to support him to manage his insecurities. these are HIS insecurities and YOU are being controlled in a desperate, and futile, attempt to manage them.

Please op, just stop. Walk away.

Also, the fact that he's all perfect and loving in front of other people is actually terrifying. It means he KNOWs that his behaviour is the problem. He's actively hiding it from other people.

This will only get worse.

Does he monitor your finances? Does he hate it when you go out for dinner/drinks with your girlfriends? Do you feel you can't go to the gym without him because he's so crazy about men hitting on you there? Do you wear different clothes to make him happier? Do you find yourself not telling him about perfectly normal things that happen to you over the day in case he freaks out?

DadJoke · 02/08/2024 11:43

He's a bad un. If he can't keep a lid on his paranoia and jealousy in the first year, he's got big problems.

The heart response is weird, but you didn't know and it's a really minor thing.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 02/08/2024 11:45

get rid of the hearts, use the thumbs up or just type the word yes or whatever is short and sweet

also get rid of the embarrassment that you have married the wrong person / need to divorce him fast

he is the problem/issue !

MsNeis · 02/08/2024 11:46

He is manipulating you, gaslighting you. The more obvious effect it has on you is that you question your own sanity: that in itself is a red flag. If you are with someone who makes you question your own sanity, it's time to put distance between you.
I wish you luck, OP, I know exactly how you feel. Know it's definitely not a you problem 💐

snakewillow · 02/08/2024 11:47

Sorry if I've missed it but how does he even know the details of these messages and your social media? Presumably he is monitoring it and checking your phone? That, in itself, is enough of an issue.

You are an adult who is allowed to have perfectly normal interactions with other adults without being checked up on.

StormingNorman · 02/08/2024 11:48

Run as fast as you can.

KreedKafer · 02/08/2024 11:49

It's not you. Your husband is just a seething mass of jealous paranoia and also, as he seems to imagine you're incapable of staying faithful and will inevitably cheat on him, he doesn't have a very high opinion of you.

Honestly, OP, this is abusive behaviour on his part. It's not normal, and it's not OK. It's a control thing on his part and it's totally unfair on you.

Also, he will not change. In your position I would be ending the relationship with him. He's horrible. Seriously, he's a deluded, bullying prick.

Original poster
WeNeedBees · 02/08/2024 11:49

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 02/08/2024 11:42

The heart thing is a minor point - I agree, I wouldn't use one for my gardener. But then, I'm always amazed at how many people routeinyl stick kisses on their messages. Let that go.

Overall though, this is HIM not you. And frankly, your therapists are incompetent. They should not be encouraging you to support him to manage his insecurities. these are HIS insecurities and YOU are being controlled in a desperate, and futile, attempt to manage them.

Please op, just stop. Walk away.

Also, the fact that he's all perfect and loving in front of other people is actually terrifying. It means he KNOWs that his behaviour is the problem. He's actively hiding it from other people.

This will only get worse.

Does he monitor your finances? Does he hate it when you go out for dinner/drinks with your girlfriends? Do you feel you can't go to the gym without him because he's so crazy about men hitting on you there? Do you wear different clothes to make him happier? Do you find yourself not telling him about perfectly normal things that happen to you over the day in case he freaks out?

I used to put x on all my messages but there are rules in place now about how/when I can use them - The rules don't apply to him though.

I don't really go out, we do lots of things together but very few things separately. He even wants to come to a sound bath with me, he's not the slightest interested in that. There are rules about what I wear for the gym, he does think men will be hitting on me there.

I get a lot of grief over my clothes to the extent I said I want to buy some new more professional work clothes (ie more modest as he hates all of my current clothes) - apparently wanting to buy new clothes is a sign of an affair.

we spoke about that in therapy and I explained I wanted new clothes to make him happy, the therapist asked what he thought about that. He said well I don't know if that's the truth do I.

OP posts:
Mabelface · 02/08/2024 11:49

Forget the therapists. This is all on him. He's essentially a controlling, jealous twat. Forget embarrassment. He's the one who's failed the marriage, not you. You calling time is empowerment, not shame. You don't want to stay with him, so it's time to think about moving on without him.

One thing I've learned is that we only get one life. Is this how you want yours to be forever?

Frances0911 · 02/08/2024 11:50

Heart emoji if a friend, relative, or someone I know well is sending me a personal message, like when I was ill recently, or saying something kind.

Thumbs up to anyone who uses the thumbs up to me - and no I don't find it passive aggressive. I find older relatives, and tradespeople often use thumbs up.

Smiley face often with work colleagues or just when someone is sending a nice/positive message of some kind, that I might not know that well.

Your DH sounds controlling though, and is abusing you.

KreedKafer · 02/08/2024 11:50

we are in therapy together

This isn't going to help. Your husband is abusive and controlling and it's not appropriate to have therapy as a couple when one partner is abusing/controlling the other.

Original poster
WeNeedBees · 02/08/2024 11:51

snakewillow · 02/08/2024 11:47

Sorry if I've missed it but how does he even know the details of these messages and your social media? Presumably he is monitoring it and checking your phone? That, in itself, is enough of an issue.

You are an adult who is allowed to have perfectly normal interactions with other adults without being checked up on.

Yes he regularly goes right through my phone. Including reading conversations with my best friends. I have since changed my passcode because I felt that was a step too far. Of course changing my passcode is another sign that I can't be trusted.

The list is endless.

OP posts:
imnotsickbutimnotwell · 02/08/2024 11:55

This is a complete shit show of a marriage and you need to get out. Contact woman’s aid for advice. You are being gaslit which is abusive behaviour. This grinds you down so you don’t trust your own judgement. The critical comments regarding liking other men’s posts etc is projection. So if HE was doing that he knows it would mean he was interested in the woman. So he’s projecting that behaviour on to you. Life is too short for this nonsense. Please seek help and get out. Life is so much better on the other side of divorce. I’m 7 years divorced and feel so free. Good luck!