This isn't me is it?

[WeNeedBees]

I have had so many issues in my marriage with my DH he says I can't be trusted, I don't feel like that is justified at all. I have never cheated, I have never behaved inappropriately or had an emotional affair.

He says I lead men on, I need attention from them, I can't be trusted.

I am losing sight of what is rational here, maybe it is me?

Last nights argument - A guy I did a sporting event with (as a group) last year followed me on Instagram, I accepted and followed him back. Both of us are married. There has been no further interactions, no messages, nothing.

My DH has gone crazy - I am leading this guy on, we will at some point start messaging, I want his attention.

This is fairly typical of the accusations, another example from two weeks ago -

A guy was arranging to cut the grass, there were a few messages back and forth and then we finalised the date/time/cost. Rather than send another message I just reacted to the message with the heart. To my mind that says yes I have seen this message and I am happy with it.

Same thing the next time he was due to come round, he had to change the agreed time so we rearranged and I heart reacted it. My thought process was that DH wouldn't like me prolonging a conversation and that just shut it down whilst accepting.

Apparently this is a sign of how I can' be trusted because the heart react is leading this guy on and giving him the wrong idea.

There are hundreds more examples I could give, all very similar - I don't feel like I behave inappropriately but DH says I can't be trusted.

I can't keep doing this, we are in therapy together but I can't see a way forward.

Is this me? Am I somehow begging for attention? I don't feel like I am leading people on but am I in denial. I feel like this whole thing is insane.

I think it's time to start thinking about the practicalities.
Is the house in your name or his or both.
Will you leave, and do you have somewhere to go?
Or does he need to leave, and do you have some one that can come and support you in this, for when you tell him to leave.
Start making these plans, and you will begin to see that it's doable.
Also, have a think about what made you not go through with it before, and how you can change that for this time.
And you will have the whole of Mumsnet behind you, and beside you ❤️
Heart emoji intended and appropriate 😉

@WeNeedBees, you need to get out of this relationship. I’ve been in the situation where control ramps up massively once you’re married, and I’ve seen it happen to others, too. It is not ok for anybody to police another like your husband is policing you. It also seems like however much you go along with what he demands of you - what you wear, how many kisses you’re allowed to use in texts, whether it’s a ❤️ or a 👍🏻 reaction you use and to who - it’s never enough for him. I’m scared for you about where this will end if you don’t get out.

Please leave for your physical health and sanity. Ignore the "mood swings" jibes he's gaslighting you.

There is no scenario where this marriage becomes and healthy trusting one. And every likelihood he is also tracking you on MN.

You need to get solo therapy to support your decision to get out of this marriage and appoint a solicitor. Tout suite.

I was baffled by the heart emoji too, but enough people have endorsed it to make me accept it might be a generational thing. That aside, I can't think of a single time when my DH has even for a second considered monitoring messages between me and other men. Or vice versa with him messaging women. It's really not you, OP.

I am about to turn 40. I used the heart reaction in much the way the op has. Never think about the gender of the recipient. No need to. The context is the important thing. It can mean yes please, thank you, that kind, love etc but depends on the context. If I showed my husband my phone right now and he read my messages he would see that I have plenty of messages with both male and female friends. He wouldn't care at all. He cares nothing about social media follows or likes or anything. I feel the same way for him. We trust each other. There is no control. Sometimes I may put on a particular outfit because I know he really likes it. He might tell me if something I wore was inappropriate for the occasion but that has happened maybe once and was post partum a top was more booby than it had been previously. He was careful and kind the way he worded it. Not because he was worried about anyone else ogling my boobs but because he knew I would be uncomfortable and not be happy once I realised. This whole thing is so controlling and sexist and is meant to gaslight you into feeling as though you are doing something wrong. He's horrible.

For those of you who have completely missed the point and are focusing on the heart emoji PLEASE STOP.

You are making OP think her husband is in the right.

OP can reply with a 🫀 or a 🫁 or whatever emoji she wants.

THE EMOJI IS NOT THE PROBLEM. HER HUSBAND IS!

Apologies for shouting but bloody hell, I can't believe what I read on these types of threads sometimes.

Short Video from Scottish women's aid

The house is mine and predates him, there is no dispute there. Me and my kids will stay.

He owns other property from before the marriage so he has somewhere to go. None of that is an issue.

I think the past times I have tried to end it he has convinced me it's an over reaction and I don't mean it, it's just my mood swings and I will calm down and forget about it. The thing is, I am calm. He phoned me last night 66 times, when I gave up and answered he was hysterical crying and shouting "why, why, am I doing this to him"

"This" being not blocking the man that followed me on instagram from the sporting event. I removed him and stopped following him, my profile is private so he can't see anything I post now. Apparently I have to block him because otherwise he will still be able to message me.

I gave up and blocked him even though I think it's ridiculous and now the tone has changed and it's all - see this is why you aren't trustworthy, you and that guy would message at some point. You are desperate for attention. You can behave appropriately with other men.

edited to add - I AM calm, the above shows that HE is the one not being calm.

This OP. You are only a year into your marriage and already in therapy! I'd just quietly make plans to leave and contact Women's Aid and get a good friend onside to help you when the time comes.

Don't be embarrassed that it hasn't lasted long, be proud that you've noticed the problem, realised what you need to do and got out before he's done too much damage to you. Whatever you do, don't get pregnant by him. Those who love and care about you will be supportive of your decision to leave an abusive relationship.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p061qvyn?fbclid=IwY2xjawEZqRRleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHbwVYO7zBO4Gz8qbOf4loHnCiNgHfjXZ-RLz0bkD7n5qWbLUPKjr4Igl3Q_aem_yFXlisRlsDvVqyZfmwiDFA

It wouldn't matter what you did or said, he would find fault and use it to undermine and destabilise you.

Haha I absolutely agree with you! I'd also use the heart. If I saw someone use the thumb, I'd think they were either middle aged, or pissed off.

I disagree, a thumb up means 'yes', or okay'. it's clear and sexless. But your husband is overdoing it

He called you 66 times???? That in itself is massively abusive. who the fuck cares if you crave masculine attention (you don’t) or candybars or like waljing in the rain. Adult women can like anything they like. If he doesn’t like or trust you he can get in the bin.

STOP!🛑 ✋ Drop this massive twunt. And Roll away.

Stop. drop. Roll. Your life is on fire. This man is burning your life down. Take evasive action.

Park the ❤️ thing - that is not your issue/ focus here OP. It doesn’t matter who uses it or doesn’t use it - your DH is a controlling twat who does not deserve to be in a relationship with you!

You have said:

• you can’t wear certain clothes to work
• buying new clothes means you are having an affair
• you can’t wear certain stuff to the gym
• you can’t follow certain people on social media
• there are ‘rules’ in your relationship - he doesn’t follow!
• he gaslights you and makes pretty sure he puts on a ‘I am a perfect H’ to the kids/ friends
• he checks your phone

If that was your DD, DSis what would you say? what would your advice be?

Because no amount of therapy will change him - he is already not really engaged with it - as he cannot reflect and clearly he never thinks he is wrong!

It does not matter how long you have been married. This will get worse. Can you really see yourself living like this for the next 5/10/15 years???

Therapy now needs to support you to leave. This is unsafe for you - and it is not okay, it is not normal and you deserve better!

Cut him out of the decision process, so he cannot persuade you. Go straight to a solicitor, get them to set things in motion, and don't engage with him further. Just say all further communication will be done through them.

He is not your boss. He does not get to dictate what you do. You are supposed to be equals in a marriage.

Get away from this bully. Involve the police and the courts if necessary.

Please please leave, he won't change.

You do not need his agreement to break up with him.

OP I’ve just read all your posts and you are in a no win situation.

If you do what he asks - well then he was right you would cheat if he hadn’t made you change XYZ
If you don’t do what he asks - well then you’re clearing cheating, don’t love him and he’s right about you

Can you not see how toxic this is? Relationships shouldn’t be this much work. My husband has never dictated what I wear, who I text, never checks my phone, wouldn’t bat an eyelid at what emoji I used to react to a message from the gardener (largely because he wouldn’t know because he doesn’t go through my phone).

You’re so much better off without him, I’m so surprised your therapists are continuing the sessions with you both when it’s clear there is abuse. You need single therapy and to be honest about your marriage and how he treats you.

Get out now, before this escalates.

I think that has just blown my mind. I have spent so many times trying to get him to agree that the relationship isn't working and that we should end it. It is kind of a surprise to think that I can decide it alone.

Sorry that probably sounds like I am a total idiot. I swear I do have some brains!

Is there anyone in real life who can support you when you tell DH he has to leave? Your dad? Brother? A close male friend?

If the house is in your name and he has a property to move into, then he has no excuse not to leave. You just need to be strong and not back down when he makes it "your fault".

Do you know about the grey rock method? Look it up. It's a great way to deal with abusive men like this.

I have heard about it on here but not sure what it entails. I will look into it, I will try anything at this point.

Agree with all of this . No way would I send a ❤️ emoji to anyone but family and close friends .