This isn't me is it?

[WeNeedBees]

I have had so many issues in my marriage with my DH he says I can't be trusted, I don't feel like that is justified at all. I have never cheated, I have never behaved inappropriately or had an emotional affair.

He says I lead men on, I need attention from them, I can't be trusted.

I am losing sight of what is rational here, maybe it is me?

Last nights argument - A guy I did a sporting event with (as a group) last year followed me on Instagram, I accepted and followed him back. Both of us are married. There has been no further interactions, no messages, nothing.

My DH has gone crazy - I am leading this guy on, we will at some point start messaging, I want his attention.

This is fairly typical of the accusations, another example from two weeks ago -

A guy was arranging to cut the grass, there were a few messages back and forth and then we finalised the date/time/cost. Rather than send another message I just reacted to the message with the heart. To my mind that says yes I have seen this message and I am happy with it.

Same thing the next time he was due to come round, he had to change the agreed time so we rearranged and I heart reacted it. My thought process was that DH wouldn't like me prolonging a conversation and that just shut it down whilst accepting.

Apparently this is a sign of how I can' be trusted because the heart react is leading this guy on and giving him the wrong idea.

There are hundreds more examples I could give, all very similar - I don't feel like I behave inappropriately but DH says I can't be trusted.

I can't keep doing this, we are in therapy together but I can't see a way forward.

Is this me? Am I somehow begging for attention? I don't feel like I am leading people on but am I in denial. I feel like this whole thing is insane.

Oh god this has alarm bells all over it. I don’t know how long you’ve been together but this was how my first marriage went. As soon as we were married he ramped the control right up. Couldn’t even wear a (modest knee length classy) skirt on a girls night out as ‘I’d end up falling over and showing everyone my knickers’ (so I went out in jeans to appease him). It got worse and worse, eventually turned to violence, I was pinned up against a wall in jealous rage as I’d been out with work colleagues and come to meet him and I ‘seemed too happy’. Had the pillow next to my head punched repeatedly for being late from a night out. Had my phone interrogated, he even used to hide in the house pretending he was out to ‘catch me out’ on a phone call or god knows what. I left the marriage after 16 months. Never looked back. It’s not a failure to leave. It’s a failure to your own safety if you don’t. This is so bad. So bad already it’ll only get worse.

You know this is really wrong @WeNeedBees .

He is potentially physically dangerous, and definitely not fun to live with.

He's an arsehole. But I would never ever respond to a tradesman with a heart. Only ever a close friend or family member, or romantic interest.
Why not just reply with 'great, Ok, thanks' etc.
But your husband is jealous and has no respect for you.

I am struggling to understand how your therapists are not identifying this as an issue. This is INSANE and frankly, even though you often hear how in therapy, the abuser manages to make it all sound reasonable, i'm finding it hard to believe.

Did he find and select these therapists? It all sounds dodgy as fuck to me.

Try saying no. Tell him you want to go to the sound bath alone. And see his reaction. I bet he will be livid, then he'll probably accuse you of a lot of things, then sulk unti you apologise.

OP, this all actually scares me a little. I think you should call women's Aid

We actually have between 3 - 5 therapists in each session

A relationship who repeatedly needs 5 therapists can not be worth saving. Honestly, why are you staying. It would be easier to leave. I’m absolutely baffled. I can’t imagine having 5 people listening to bicker about stupid details like heart emojis or no heart emojis. Get a grip and just leave for both your sakes.

I feel like he has gotten worse since we got married, I thought getting married would help his insecurities but honestly it's worse than ever.

I am glad you are out of that situation now.

its not insecurity. It’s a reflection on him. He’s the one fucking around OP

@WeNeedBees this was EXACTLY me word for word. It’s exactly what I thought. Marriage would make him stop being so jealous, as would prove I was devoted to him. It had the exact opposite effect.

You're in an abusive relationship and you need to get out as it will get worse. He is yet another two-bit abuser who simultaneously love bombs you with public declarations and gestures and then being possessive, controlling and abusive.

Next, it will be isolating you from people.

Then he will start beating you.

Please get out now. Having your husband check your phone, dictate what you wear and all the other myriad things he is doing is NOT normal.

Leave him.

I was having therapy alone because DP convinced me I have Bipolar, then BPD, then PMDD..... I definitely DON'T have BPD or Bipolar, possibly PMDD but the original therapist thinks not.

I had about a year and the therapist I was seeing referred me to family therapy because I can't fix a relationship single handedly so she thought it would be more helpful for us to be seen together.

You’re in an abusive, controlling relationship. It is not you.

The more you post the more disturbing he sounds. Rules for texting, rules for clothing, monitoring your phone. You need to ask "look do you trust me or not? And if not then we don't have a relationship worth working on". Given his attitude I would put money on him being a cheat.

I've had accidental kisses off tradesmen on messages before now it's hilarious not something for H to start jumping around about

So you married the wrong person.
Think of it this way...
You've spent the last year trying to make it work & giving in to his demands.

You can either leave now & I'll bet you'll feel a massive weight off your shoulders...
Or stay with him for another 20 years of this unhappy bullshit.

Men like this don't change... it's ingrained in them.

Put yours & your childrens happiness first- not the "embarrasment" You think others will feel for you.

Why on earth are you responding with a heart. Sounds inappropriate to me. I would have thought a thumbs up emoji would be the correct response.

Jesus OP. Run. He’s bonkers. Jealous and controlling and utterly ridiculous.

you can’t change that. You will never change that. It’s who he is.

It’s not you. It is definitely him.

OP, I'm sorry but this makes no sense. So your original therapist, you told her all this stuff and she did not suggest that you were in a controlling, abusive relationship? Or did you NOT tell her this stuff? I don't understand how any half way decent therapist would tell you to go to family therapy if you've laid out things to them as you have here. You don' thave to be a professional to understand that a woman who is not allowed to go out without her partner, who has had to change what she wears to suit her partner, who is not allowed to interact with men in any capacity without being accused of things, is in a very worrying level of a controlling relationship.

how can you leave him - make plans.
where can you go
do you have joint children
how soon can you walk out

is where you live rented or bought, is it mortgaged

you can pack take the children and turn up the the Local Authorities offices either yours or a neighbouring one or even a far away one and inform them you are homeless as you are fleeing domestic abuse.
they will put you in emergency housing then temporary housing then one day you will get social housing or the housing officer will have helped you into private rented housing - they even pay the deposit and first month's rent if/when needed.

I am ashamed to admit that he has cheated in every relationship he has had prior to being with me. (I have no reason to suspect he is cheating on me)

He says it is different with me and that's why he is so insecure because he knows how easy it is. He knows what men think and I am so pretty that of course every man I meet is falling over himself to go to bed with me. And then I am so naïve that I go round leading men on and acting inappropriately because I need attention.

Yeah, you just don’t do that. It’s weird.

Had my dh done that to a tradesman (male or female) I and our children 20+ would have thought he had lost it and shouldn’t have a smartphone. Just respond with an Ok. Ok or thumbs up.

Leave. There is no hope here - he is the most classic of abusers and this will get worse not better.

I didn't tell her all of this, we went through my childhood trauma and work on boundaries and emotional regulation. My relationship kept coming up but framed as 'I need to work on myself for my relationship'

When I started therapy it was because DH gave me an ultimatum - Go to therapy for your mood swings or I won't marry you. So I was there very much focused on me.

Having done all of that work on me it has become clear that maybe the problem isn't actually me after all.

I wonder how many therapists you need to realise that enough is enough.

You have children, be the responsible person.

Forget the therapy.You are in an abusive controlling relationship.
You need to quit before you lose your identity to what/who he wants you to be.
He has ramped it up now you are married because he has you in his trap now.

Ignore the responses about the heart emoji, it doesn't matter. Some people use them a lot others don't, there's not a collective agreement in what specific circumstances they are to be used.

What does matter is the fact they he is going through your phone and policing:
What you wear
Who you speak to
How you speak to them
Dictating and diagnosing disorders to undermine your confidence

.. and playing the part of charm personified to everyone else to cover up how much of a bastard (he knows) he is.

It's hard when you're in the moment but c'mon, you know you he's in the wrong, that you're worth more than this and the longer you stay the worse it gets.

Also your therapists sound bloody awful.