This isn't me is it?

[WeNeedBees]

I have had so many issues in my marriage with my DH he says I can't be trusted, I don't feel like that is justified at all. I have never cheated, I have never behaved inappropriately or had an emotional affair.

He says I lead men on, I need attention from them, I can't be trusted.

I am losing sight of what is rational here, maybe it is me?

Last nights argument - A guy I did a sporting event with (as a group) last year followed me on Instagram, I accepted and followed him back. Both of us are married. There has been no further interactions, no messages, nothing.

My DH has gone crazy - I am leading this guy on, we will at some point start messaging, I want his attention.

This is fairly typical of the accusations, another example from two weeks ago -

A guy was arranging to cut the grass, there were a few messages back and forth and then we finalised the date/time/cost. Rather than send another message I just reacted to the message with the heart. To my mind that says yes I have seen this message and I am happy with it.

Same thing the next time he was due to come round, he had to change the agreed time so we rearranged and I heart reacted it. My thought process was that DH wouldn't like me prolonging a conversation and that just shut it down whilst accepting.

Apparently this is a sign of how I can' be trusted because the heart react is leading this guy on and giving him the wrong idea.

There are hundreds more examples I could give, all very similar - I don't feel like I behave inappropriately but DH says I can't be trusted.

I can't keep doing this, we are in therapy together but I can't see a way forward.

Is this me? Am I somehow begging for attention? I don't feel like I am leading people on but am I in denial. I feel like this whole thing is insane.

@WeNeedBees this guy is a controlling abuser who's destroying your self-esteem. You need to get rid of him and recover who you are.

An emoji choice isn't evidence of a lack of trustworthiness. It's an emoji sent in the context of a work related discussion. It might not be the emoji choice another person would make, but that doesn't mean you're out seducing the gardener.

He’s either deeply traumatised by a previous relationship, or he’s cheating and trying to deflect.

You’ve been married less than a year and you’re in therapy already???

The fact that you're so fixated on your use of emoji tells us everything we need to know. You've lost all sense of your own boundaries and abilities because you've been gaslight by your controlling DH. In a healthy relationship, you wouldn't even be questioning yourself in this way. He's made you doubt yourself by repeatedly telling you that you're behaviour is untrustworthy.

You're not bipolar. You're not leading men on. Youre not doing anything wrong. This is all about him.

It's abuse. Textbook abuse.

Please look at the Freedom programme. It will open your eyes to what is happening. Once you can clearly see how you're being abused, you'll be able to make plans to leave.

And ditch the joint therapy. Go alone. It'll help you no end.

This is very good progress and hugely insightful for you. It’s classic ‘you’re the problem’ so you blame yourself, then when you realise actually you’re not the problem then the penny drops.
How bad were these ‘mood swings’? X

Since you're financially stable, get the fuck out of there and seek some individual therapy to help you stay out. He has already done a lot of damage to your self-esteem, clearly, and your children don't deserve to be in this situation. None of you do.

We don't have any children together and I don't want any more children.

We have been together 5 years. The 'insecure' behaviours have always been there but massively escalated since we got married.

Yes well it is a bit immature to worry/ overthink the use of an emoji - although I think your husband's behaviour has made you feel this way.

Your husband is being weird and controlling.

If my husband behaved this way, he would have cause to worry, because it's not attractive at all and would be likely to get me noticing men who behave in a more decent/ normal way. The exact opposite of what he wants.

Ps mine would tell me that every man fancied me.
He also told me no one else would have me as I was so ‘difficult’ and ‘weird’
Turns out he was wrong as 6 years after I left him I married someone normal
and were still married years later. We have normal ups and downs and when I have any sort of ‘mood swings’ (which most women experience at some point due to stresses or hormones) he rides them with me.

The mood swings were me trying to break up with him. Because he doesn't accept my decision and I eventually back down, it must have been a mood swing. (his perspective not mine)

Your blokes a prick OP. 5 therapists less than a year of marriage is no where near a successful marriage.

Cut your losses and get rid of the daft twat. He can find someone else to control.

OP and everyone else: let's please forget about the bloody heart emoji discussion because it's not the issue.

THIS IS THE ISSUE:

"Having done all of that work on me it has become clear that maybe the problem isn't actually me after all."

You've got it, OP. The only problem you need to work on is the self doubt that has allowed you to tolerate this situation up to now.

I am confused by the heart emoji issue, not that it's remotely relevant to the op's overall position. I often give a heart, if I really like the photo or content, it's not about my feelings for the poster. So my local cafe or whoever posts a photo of something that looks delicious or pretty or is just a great photo . . . I would give it a heart.

But then I don't have anyone checking and monitoring my social media.

OP. Ignore the heart emoji stuff, it's just a distraction from the real issue, which is that you are in abusive relationship. And your therapists sound appalling.

We have been together 5 years. The 'insecure' behaviours have always been there but massively escalated since we got married.

That's because he thinks you're trapped now and won't leave, so he can show you who he really is. Prove him wrong.

I agree - although I think the fact that OP is so worried about an emoji is just a symptom of how controlling/ abusive he is.

@WeNeedBees stop going to these useless therapist who seem to be incapable of spelling out the issue.

Your DH is an absolute arsehole.

You need to leave him.

There is nothing wrong with anything you have done.

If this was your daughter/neice/bff what would you be saying to her

I get how you feel. The shame/embarrassment of a marriage lasting such a short time. My first lasted 22 months. My exh was exactly like yours and then he raped me, threw me across the kitchen when I dared to try and leave the house to put some space between us.

You have no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed. But for the love of God get out of that relationship!!!

He is the one that has cheated in his previous relationships but you are the one that has to make all the ridiculous changes to your life to make sure you don't cheat. Can you see how stupid this is?

This is ridiculous

The therapists are taking you both for mugs (how much is it costing?)

He is controlling you

Get out

I am so sorry you went through that. I am glad you are safe and happy now.

Enough people have said that it is inappropriate that it seems to be backing up what my husband says. I have lead the gardener on. I have made him think I am interested in him.

If I am going around giving people the wrong idea like that maybe DH has a point. This is why I posted, because I can't think clearly.

Seriously, this is such a non issue. You have not done anything wrong here and the issue is that he had made you think you have.

I sent my boss an update on something earlier he responded with a heart reaction just like you did. At no point have I thought that he was being inappropriate.

He is controlling and abusive and it is ALL on him not you.

You’re married to a total nutter.

You need to no longer be married to a total nutter. No one gives a shiny shit about the length of the marriage. It’s over anyway because.. he’s a nutter.

Stop paying for intense weird therapy and invest in getting the hell out of there with your sanity intact.

Firstly, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is not you. Your husband I'm afraid is a jealous narcissistic inadequate excuse for a man.

Normal marriage - husband has your back, trusts you implicitly, wants you to be happy, uplifts you and supports you and is proud of you.

Abnormal marriage - husband controls who and how you speak to people irl and online and monitors you, controls what you wear, accuses you constantly of infidility, trys to convince you that you are mentally ill, refuses to engage in therapy, constantly grinds you down.

It's quite simple, he will never change, he thinks he owns you and has the right to treat you like this. You have to also stop obsessing about the heart imojii, you haven't led the gardener on at all in any way, if you'd sent the gardener an emojii of a hanglider your husband would have still said the same thing.

Boot him out and get yourself to a solicitor, if he trys bullying in anyway or forcing contact call the police, but make no mistake, he will never change and doesn't want to.

@WeNeedBees make sure he can’t somehow access this thread on your phone or laptop. Make sure your safari isn’t linked across devices if you’re searching for advice or what to do next to escape. Lock down your phone records eg change password on your phone bill account, put two factor identification on your Apple accounts if you have them, and your email. Keep yourself safe as you plan your escape.

It's not you, it's him. This is not going to get better and the therapy is pointless because you can't work on this marriage as he won't be putting any work in, and it's not something that only one partner has to do.

I understand how you can't 'see the wood for the trees', but the 'wood' seems obvious from reading your posts.

Have you somewhere else you can stay? You know you can file for divorce without his permission?