This isn't me is it?

[WeNeedBees]

I have had so many issues in my marriage with my DH he says I can't be trusted, I don't feel like that is justified at all. I have never cheated, I have never behaved inappropriately or had an emotional affair.

He says I lead men on, I need attention from them, I can't be trusted.

I am losing sight of what is rational here, maybe it is me?

Last nights argument - A guy I did a sporting event with (as a group) last year followed me on Instagram, I accepted and followed him back. Both of us are married. There has been no further interactions, no messages, nothing.

My DH has gone crazy - I am leading this guy on, we will at some point start messaging, I want his attention.

This is fairly typical of the accusations, another example from two weeks ago -

A guy was arranging to cut the grass, there were a few messages back and forth and then we finalised the date/time/cost. Rather than send another message I just reacted to the message with the heart. To my mind that says yes I have seen this message and I am happy with it.

Same thing the next time he was due to come round, he had to change the agreed time so we rearranged and I heart reacted it. My thought process was that DH wouldn't like me prolonging a conversation and that just shut it down whilst accepting.

Apparently this is a sign of how I can' be trusted because the heart react is leading this guy on and giving him the wrong idea.

There are hundreds more examples I could give, all very similar - I don't feel like I behave inappropriately but DH says I can't be trusted.

I can't keep doing this, we are in therapy together but I can't see a way forward.

Is this me? Am I somehow begging for attention? I don't feel like I am leading people on but am I in denial. I feel like this whole thing is insane.

I think you might be married to my ex, or someone very similar anyway. His behaviour was exactly the same, right down to making me believe I had mental health problems and "issues". It was only when I was shot of him that I realised there was nothing wrong with me, other than having tolerated him for so long.
You'll feel such relief when he's gone, though be warned that he won't make it easy for you. Make sure people know what's going on and that you have support around you.

Fucking hell you have to get by his rules?! Get rid of him, he's no good for you!

Have you asked him why he married you if he didn't trust you?

@WeNeedBees I hope you're okay today and last night wasn't too bad.

Just caught up with your posts . Well done Op! Btw people should think badly of him, he's a horrific abuser, women should know what he's like.

When is he due back, do you think he might come back early? I'd have all his stuff packed ready.

Just checking in, I did some over time last night so that kept me occupied.

I am seeing my brother for dinner so will be honest and get some support in real life.

thanks to everyone who posted in support - it means a lot. I am going to leave the thread because he knows so use “that stupid feminist site” and don’t want to keep updating incase he comes looking. Although there are so many men exactly the same by the sounds of it!!

did you manage to check your locks last night ?
otherwise can your brother help you this evening before/after dinner

Unfortunately, every time you try to appease a person like this by sticking to the rules and following his requests, it does the opposite of what you want and re-enforces to them that their requests must have been reasonable all along, otherwise you wouldn't be complying.
So all the times you kept the peace or thought you were reassuring him, he saw it as "I must be right as she's done what I ask".
He's a man who has decided he speaks for all men and they all think as he does. Fact is, they don't, not all men are cheaters like him. But it makes him feel better to believe he's no different from any other man, that way he can keep up the denyal that he's the problem. He's the controlling, cheating twat.
The only therapy you need going forwards is to perhaps look at why it took you 5 years to suss this out. Also, if he works away a lot and is a known cheater, why do you have blind faith that he isn't cheating whilst away? Realistically he could easily be doing so without you finding out.
Hopefully, you are finding the strength now to keep this split permanent. Follow it up by seeing a solicitor ASAP and yes, tell as many people as possible that you are separating, that makes it real and will give you more strength to see it through.
Don't get bogged down with details and descriptions as to why the split is happening. Overall, he's controlling and has 'rules' he expects you to obey that are unreasonable, that's reason enough for anyone.

Good luck OP!!!!!! Stick to your decision.... you will be so much happier.

Keep going,OP! Just put one foot in front of the other. Once you make up your mind to live high, wide, and free you will find it possible to leave him and really live instead of trimming yourself to fit his tiny box. I wish you all the best. Update when you can.

Yes, I agree with MargotEmin, you have just done a small faux pas. And if he's a millenial as well, surely then he should understand. But I maintain what I said before, a thumbs up is sexless and also means 'agreed, yes, okay'

Your husband, on the other hand,......

The thread has moved far far beyond the emoji sent to the gardener. Read the OP’s posts!

Thank you for your input. When I opened Mumsnet this morning it opened onto MargotEmin's post and that is what I replied to. I have been reading the OP's updates with, (thanks for your concern) including the 66 calls, and alsoreading what other posters are advising, and since their posts are very wise and helpful, I have nothing else to add.

What is very interesting in these AIBU posts about partners, it starts with little or banal things like emojis and as the OP opens up, a whole can of worms is revealed

How did you get on OP? Did you get away in the end?

I’ve often thought of @WeNeedBees. I hope she got that abusive piece of shit out of her life. I was chilled reading this thread.

This is crazy....i hope you're ok OP