Want to take my dc away on my own

Ragrugflowerdots · 2024-08-01T13:43:57+00:00

I’m in a tricky and slightly unusual position I think. I’ve been with DP for three years - he has a dc and I have 2dc. We have never attempted to ‘blend’ I see him without his dc and he sees me without mine. The dc have only met a handful of times. My eldest dc does not like his dc and tbh I’ve been quite clear that I don’t want to try and blend them together as I rarely think it works. I earn more than DP and I also had a sizeable amount of money from my divorce. I had an inheritance also and now own my own home - I know I am really really lucky to be able to do this. DP is nowhere near as ‘well off’ financially and it does sometimes raise its head that he and his dc are hard done by compared to mine. He is taking his dc away for a week in the UK this summer. I wasn’t going to take mine away as I have been unwell but I have been feeling better the last few months and I am wondering whether i might be able to book a week / ten nights somewhere. I’d like to take them abroad. My eldest is 16 and probably won’t want to come with me for so much longer. The thing is I know my DP will kick off about it because he will see it as unfair that I can afford to do this with my dc and he can’t. I don’t know if I should give him some money? It is unfair, I agree. He wouldn’t come with us as he will have his dc over the time I am looking to go. Im not really sure what to do about the financial disparity when we are in no way blended. I could just take mine in the UK. That would cause less upset I think. Any ideas?

Octavia64 · 01/08/2024 14:46

Don't give him money.

You aren't a blended family and you are in no way responsible for his dc and his holiday.

If you feel keeping the peace is worth it then go in the U.K.

MostlyHappyMummy · 01/08/2024 14:49

mumsnet Is like the twilight zone when it comes to seeing what women will accept must be in a relationship

mumonthehill · 01/08/2024 14:49

If he would kick off because you are taking your dc away after you have been ill then he does not love you. You are not living together and you should live as you wish, if that means holidays that he cannot afford so be it. Do not offer him money.

GrumpyPanda · 01/08/2024 14:51

Don't pander to him. Just think about what would be the best experience for you and your DC.

WelcomeEverythingIsFine · 01/08/2024 14:53

You would give your family a worse holiday when you probably don’t have many left because your partner is jealous that you can afford it? This feels really wrong. Let him kick off, and if he does then throw him back. Enjoy your holiday!!

flipent · 01/08/2024 14:54

His financial situation is not your responsibility.
Take your kids away, enjoy it - and if he does kick off, take the time to seriously consider your relationship.

MonsteraMama · 01/08/2024 14:54

Wait so he's allowed to take his kid away without you but it's unfair if you do the same?

Girl.

Take your fecking kids on holiday to somewhere amazing, enjoy them while they're young because they will be spreading their wings before you know it. If he kicks off about it he's showing you he's not a worthwhile person to be in a relationship with and is happy to prioritise his feelings (and ego) over you and your children's happiness. Women manage to be in relationships with men who out-earn them all the time without pitching temper tantrums about "it's not faaaaair". Bollocks to him. He's replaceable, your kids aren't. Enjoy your holiday.

babytum · 01/08/2024 14:55

MostlyHappyMummy · 01/08/2024 14:49

mumsnet Is like the twilight zone when it comes to seeing what women will accept must be in a relationship

It’s a real eye opener.

OP, fair on who? That’s your life and that’s his life.
My DP has more financial freedom than me. He brought his kids to France for a week, I brought mine for a 3 night family event in London.
Have I kicked off that his holiday was better than ours, didn’t even occur to me.
Book your holiday and when he kicks off tell him to Grow the Fuck Up!

CocoPlum · 01/08/2024 14:59

Similar situation here but many more years down the line. I go away every year with the kids and without my DP. He does not take his away. It's in part financial, part that we like a beach holiday and he is more about going out and needing to explore/do things, part that it would totally change the dynamic.

I don't apologise for it. Our financial situations are very different and as they are separate it's not up to him what I do.

Take your DC away and have a wonderful time.

SamW98 · 01/08/2024 15:06

MonsteraMama · 01/08/2024 14:54

Wait so he's allowed to take his kid away without you but it's unfair if you do the same?

Girl.

Take your fecking kids on holiday to somewhere amazing, enjoy them while they're young because they will be spreading their wings before you know it. If he kicks off about it he's showing you he's not a worthwhile person to be in a relationship with and is happy to prioritise his feelings (and ego) over you and your children's happiness. Women manage to be in relationships with men who out-earn them all the time without pitching temper tantrums about "it's not faaaaair". Bollocks to him. He's replaceable, your kids aren't. Enjoy your holiday.

100% this.

The last guy I dated (for 2 years) whinged when I went away to Greece with my then 14 year old DS. He wanted to come too

Do it in your own OP. Your kids won’t be young much longer so take the opportunity to spend quality holiday time with them.

My huge regret is that Covid restrictions lost me the chance to have another holiday or two with my boy who’s now 19 and wouldn’t want a holiday with mum now

Make previous memories and don’t let a sulky man spoil that

MiddleAgedDread · 01/08/2024 15:06

He isn't a "DP".....the P stands for "partner".....you have separate home, separate families and separate finances so he's more your boyfriend and therefore you should feel free to spend YOUR money on YOUR kids how you wish!

Original poster

Ragrugflowerdots · 01/08/2024 15:06

It’s also quite out of character / brave for me to consider it. I’m a worrier and find airports stressful! But I think eldest dc would be capable of helping me with the luggage and stuff and would be able to keep an eye on my younger 9 year old in the airport if I had to go and get us drinks or food or whatever.
Im considering Spain or France. I can get 10 nights from a nearby airport for not too much money and we will have enough to spend there too - especially as I’m looking at half board.

Part of taking them is to prove to myself that I can do it. They’ve been abroad with my ex husband a few times since we split. They are probably more seasoned travellers than I am 🤣

Now I just have to be brave enough to book it and tell DP! I will not be popular, and that is an understatement.

OP posts:

MounjaroUser · 01/08/2024 15:07

So you've known this man for three years. You don't live together and he doesn't know your children. Now he's kicked off because you're going on holiday with your children, when he's also going on holiday with his?

Honest to god, why the hell would you want a relationship with this complete and utter twat?

Original poster

Ragrugflowerdots · 01/08/2024 15:16

MounjaroUser · 01/08/2024 15:07

So you've known this man for three years. You don't live together and he doesn't know your children. Now he's kicked off because you're going on holiday with your children, when he's also going on holiday with his?

Honest to god, why the hell would you want a relationship with this complete and utter twat?

He’ll kick off because we will be going for longer and because it’s abroad. Therefore a ‘better’ holiday than the one he’s having with his dc. It’s inevitable that he’ll be annoyed, the question is only how annoyed.
Generally our relationship works ok - in part I believe because we do keep the dc pretty separate. I firmly believe the stress of trying to blend them would have split us up. I raise my dc quite differently which is part of why we’ve not blended. Also I’m not that interested in his dc and vice versa and that’s ok I think - his dc is autistic and can be very tricky - still has meltdowns etc. He does better when it’s quiet and calm. My DC are pretty lively and like to go out lots.

OP posts:

averythinline · 01/08/2024 15:20

Wow... He has no right at all to kick off about what you do with your children...

Go... Have a lovely time.. you're so right about spending that time with your 16 yr old now.....

Starlight1979 · 01/08/2024 15:22

Im not really sure what to do about the financial disparity when we are in no way blended. I could just take mine in the UK. That would cause less upset I think.

So you're considering not taking your children abroad for a lovely holiday in the sunshine for no other reason than it would upset your (fully grown adult) boyfriend?

Wow.

Ellie1015 · 01/08/2024 15:24

Did you get angry when he was going away and you couldn't due to your health??

It is not a normal reaction for him to get angry if you go away, this is a really unhealthy dynamic. I would rethink the relationship if i felt worried about his reaction.

converseandjeans · 01/08/2024 15:24

@Ragrugflowerdots

He’ll kick off because we will be going for longer and because it’s abroad. Therefore a ‘better’ holiday than the one he’s having with his dc. It’s inevitable that he’ll be annoyed, the question is only how annoyed.

This is ridiculous. You should be able to do what you like! As others have said there are only so many summers before they are too old to want to come. Go & enjoy some sun.

pictoosh · 01/08/2024 15:26

Absolutely go.
You aren't financially responsible for him. Your income is your own. You can take your kids on holiday if you like.
He's a twat if he makes it hard for you.

Starlight1979 · 01/08/2024 15:29

The thing is I know my DP will kick off about it because he will see it as unfair that I can afford to do this with my dc and he can’t. I don’t know if I should give him some money? It is unfair, I agree.

It's unfair?! That you have more money than another grown adult?! You cannot be serious? Jesus fucking Christ.

If your grown adult boyfriend is going to "kick off" because you can afford to do something that he can't afford to do then he's a spoilt, immature brat who shouldn't be in a relationship.

I dread to think what other lovely, redeeming qualities he has.

pizzaHeart · 01/08/2024 15:30

MonsteraMama · 01/08/2024 14:54

Wait so he's allowed to take his kid away without you but it's unfair if you do the same?

Girl.

Take your fecking kids on holiday to somewhere amazing, enjoy them while they're young because they will be spreading their wings before you know it. If he kicks off about it he's showing you he's not a worthwhile person to be in a relationship with and is happy to prioritise his feelings (and ego) over you and your children's happiness. Women manage to be in relationships with men who out-earn them all the time without pitching temper tantrums about "it's not faaaaair". Bollocks to him. He's replaceable, your kids aren't. Enjoy your holiday.

This ^ 100%
he didn’t offer skip the holiday this year as you were not going initially? I’ve thought not.
In what way he is your partner by the way?
Do you live together or just see each other somewhere?

Original poster

Ragrugflowerdots · 01/08/2024 15:30

Ellie1015 · 01/08/2024 15:24

Did you get angry when he was going away and you couldn't due to your health??

It is not a normal reaction for him to get angry if you go away, this is a really unhealthy dynamic. I would rethink the relationship if i felt worried about his reaction.

Nope, course not. I’ve no issue with whatever he does with his dc.
But maybe it’s different because I’m in a more privileged position in terms of money?
He’s also going abroad with a friend for a few days next year. No issue at all for me.

I think I am not as bothered by things as he is. I’m fairly relaxed and enjoy the time I have with him but accept that his dc comes first, which is as it should be.

OP posts:

StormingNorman · 01/08/2024 15:31

Nothing. You should do nothing. You and DP are not a household or financially entwined. You each pay for your own family holidays.

It’s not your responsibility to compensate him for having FOMO.

Starlight1979 · 01/08/2024 15:32

Ragrugflowerdots · 01/08/2024 15:30

Nope, course not. I’ve no issue with whatever he does with his dc.
But maybe it’s different because I’m in a more privileged position in terms of money?
He’s also going abroad with a friend for a few days next year. No issue at all for me.

I think I am not as bothered by things as he is. I’m fairly relaxed and enjoy the time I have with him but accept that his dc comes first, which is as it should be.

Show quote history

So he puts his DC first but you can't put yours first or he'll kick off?

BCBird · 01/08/2024 15:32

You should go
He can take his own child away on a holiday he can afford. This is fair not unfair