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Original poster

Want to take my dc away on my own

317 replies

Ragrugflowerdots · 01/08/2024 14:43

I’m in a tricky and slightly unusual position I think. I’ve been with DP for three years - he has a dc and I have 2dc. We have never attempted to ‘blend’ I see him without his dc and he sees me without mine. The dc have only met a handful of times. My eldest dc does not like his dc and tbh I’ve been quite clear that I don’t want to try and blend them together as I rarely think it works.

I earn more than DP and I also had a sizeable amount of money from my divorce. I had an inheritance also and now own my own home - I know I am really really lucky to be able to do this.
DP is nowhere near as ‘well off’ financially and it does sometimes raise its head that he and his dc are hard done by compared to mine.

He is taking his dc away for a week in the UK this summer. I wasn’t going to take mine away as I have been unwell but I have been feeling better the last few months and I am wondering whether i might be able to book a week / ten nights somewhere. I’d like to take them abroad. My eldest is 16 and probably won’t want to come with me for so much longer.

The thing is I know my DP will kick off about it because he will see it as unfair that I can afford to do this with my dc and he can’t. I don’t know if I should give him some money? It is unfair, I agree. He wouldn’t come with us as he will have his dc over the time I am looking to go.

Im not really sure what to do about the financial disparity when we are in no way blended. I could just take mine in the UK. That would cause less upset I think.

Any ideas?

OP posts:
BananaLambo · 01/08/2024 16:30

He’s using his annual leave to go on holiday. He’s spending his money to go on a holiday. You don’t live together. You’re not a blended family. He has no claim on your income and you have no claim on his. You are perfectly within your rights to say, ‘Bob, I’ll not be here from the 7th to the 17th as I’m taking the kids to Magaluf for a holiday’. If he kicks off he’s being entirely unreasonable - you have no need to be scared of that.

Pumpkinpie1 · 01/08/2024 16:31

Op kids are not kids forever. Don’t miss this opportunity because your scared of what your boyfriend thinks.
He’s entitled, to his opinion. But you OP also have the right to spend time with your children abroad.
Go for it , life’s too short x x

Ellie1015 · 01/08/2024 16:38

Ragrugflowerdots · 01/08/2024 15:30

Nope, course not. I’ve no issue with whatever he does with his dc.
But maybe it’s different because I’m in a more privileged position in terms of money?
He’s also going abroad with a friend for a few days next year. No issue at all for me.

I think I am not as bothered by things as he is. I’m fairly relaxed and enjoy the time I have with him but accept that his dc comes first, which is as it should be.

Show quote history

I didn't think you would have got angry when he was going away when you couldnt. Because most people wouldn't.

He is also going away with friend, if he didn't do that the likely he could take kids abroad just different prioirities.

You are on eggshells about his possible reaction, it is not a healthy relationship.

Go enjoy your holiday with your kids. Some space may help you realise you don't need him.

Olika · 01/08/2024 16:41

Go and take your kids on holiday and make memories. Your boyfriend is just someone you dating and doesn't have a say. It doesn't matter what he thinks and how he reacts. You do what you want with your kids just like he does with his. It's not your responsibility that he has less money.

Getitgirl · 01/08/2024 16:44

You’d be crazy to give this man your money.

RubiesandRose · 01/08/2024 16:44

Absolutely nothing to do with him, where you go, for how long or what it costs.

You aren't a blended family, you don't live together and don't share costs.

I've always told my kids that in life there will always be those who are worse off than you and those who are better off. The trick is to be happy with what you have and make the most of it.

Frankly his attitude and 'being annoyed' would give me the massive ick and I wouldn't want to be with someone like this, now or in the future.

Have an amazing holiday OP, I would suggest that in Spain don't spend your money on half board as there are so many lovely local and all priced restaurants in all tourist resorts to enjoy!

ComedicPivot · 01/08/2024 16:46

OP, with kindness, you’ve left one marriage where post divorce you were too anxious to get on a train. Now you are in a 3-year relationship, where he’s manipulating, at the expense of your DC, what you do.

Why does he know how much money you’ve got? I know married people who don’t even know how much their other halves earn. Why haven’t you played it down….oh yes, my house is nice but we are really scrapping by. Don’t talk about where your money comes from. Pretend you don’t have any.

He’s your boyfriend. He doesn’t live with you, your finances aren’t shared, he doesn’t know your DC and vice versa. It’s none of his business if you take your kids to Lapland for Christmas and all inc holidays to 5 star resorts in summer, and buy them whatever.

I’ve a couple of concerns here. He’s controlling you and his feet aren’t even under the table. Your DC are missing out on creating memories with their mum, and can see the reason why - him.

Why have you entered into another relationship that causes you anxiety?

OP, as a 50 something woman I can, with experience, tell you a home truth.

You don’t need a man. You have your DC. They’ll give you DGC, extended family etc. You have a house of your own. You are financially secure.

The only reason you need a man is for company. Keep him at arms length if you want to continue on, or bin him off for a better version.

Do not, under any circumstances, marry him.

Mrsdyna · 01/08/2024 16:50

Well he was happy to take his kids on holiday when he thought yours wouldn't be going because you were ill. So fair doesn't really matter.

Conniebygaslight · 01/08/2024 17:16

Ragrugflowerdots · 01/08/2024 15:06

It’s also quite out of character / brave for me to consider it. I’m a worrier and find airports stressful! But I think eldest dc would be capable of helping me with the luggage and stuff and would be able to keep an eye on my younger 9 year old in the airport if I had to go and get us drinks or food or whatever.
Im considering Spain or France. I can get 10 nights from a nearby airport for not too much money and we will have enough to spend there too - especially as I’m looking at half board.

Part of taking them is to prove to myself that I can do it. They’ve been abroad with my ex husband a few times since we split. They are probably more seasoned travellers than I am 🤣

Now I just have to be brave enough to book it and tell DP! I will not be popular, and that is an understatement.

if you change your plans, at the very minimum 3 things will happen.

  1. your DD will feel that it’s ok to put her needs/desires to the back of the queue for a man
  2. Your DS will think it’s normal for a woman to prioritise his desires
  3. Both your DC will feel like their DM prioritises her shit of a boyfriend.
FFS WTAF….
AGodawfulsmallaffair · 01/08/2024 17:23

Ragrugflowerdots · 01/08/2024 15:06

It’s also quite out of character / brave for me to consider it. I’m a worrier and find airports stressful! But I think eldest dc would be capable of helping me with the luggage and stuff and would be able to keep an eye on my younger 9 year old in the airport if I had to go and get us drinks or food or whatever.
Im considering Spain or France. I can get 10 nights from a nearby airport for not too much money and we will have enough to spend there too - especially as I’m looking at half board.

Part of taking them is to prove to myself that I can do it. They’ve been abroad with my ex husband a few times since we split. They are probably more seasoned travellers than I am 🤣

Now I just have to be brave enough to book it and tell DP! I will not be popular, and that is an understatement.

He really has got some front. Thank God you don’t live together. If you offer him some money now, he’ll be expecting you to pay for his holiday next year, the year after that…..
Enjoy your holiday - if you need to be brave to tell a man you’re spending your money, there’s something wrong with this relationship.

Y0URSELF · 01/08/2024 17:25

ComedicPivot · 01/08/2024 16:46

OP, with kindness, you’ve left one marriage where post divorce you were too anxious to get on a train. Now you are in a 3-year relationship, where he’s manipulating, at the expense of your DC, what you do.

Why does he know how much money you’ve got? I know married people who don’t even know how much their other halves earn. Why haven’t you played it down….oh yes, my house is nice but we are really scrapping by. Don’t talk about where your money comes from. Pretend you don’t have any.

He’s your boyfriend. He doesn’t live with you, your finances aren’t shared, he doesn’t know your DC and vice versa. It’s none of his business if you take your kids to Lapland for Christmas and all inc holidays to 5 star resorts in summer, and buy them whatever.

I’ve a couple of concerns here. He’s controlling you and his feet aren’t even under the table. Your DC are missing out on creating memories with their mum, and can see the reason why - him.

Why have you entered into another relationship that causes you anxiety?

OP, as a 50 something woman I can, with experience, tell you a home truth.

You don’t need a man. You have your DC. They’ll give you DGC, extended family etc. You have a house of your own. You are financially secure.

The only reason you need a man is for company. Keep him at arms length if you want to continue on, or bin him off for a better version.

Do not, under any circumstances, marry him.

This.

Going on this holiday with your kids will do wonders for your self confidence. And when you are away you might reconsider if your relationship with your partner. Yes you might love him but he certainly doesn’t love you .

Choochoo21 · 01/08/2024 17:45

I am not familiar with the cost of holidays with your number of people going and it depends on where you’re going etc too.

But it is fantastic that you are even looking into it.
There are things like cruises too which some are reasonably priced and have most things included (as long as you don’t get sea sick 😃).

It is quite concerning that you were with an ex who seemingly destroyed your MH and now you’re with someone who doesn’t care about your happiness and you feel guilty about doing something nice for your own kids.

Your annual leave should be spent on spending time with your kids, just like his should be.
Every parent spends their annual leave with their kids and if they don’t live with their partner, then it means seeing the partner less.
10 days is nothing.

LizzieBet14 · 01/08/2024 17:45

Absolutely go! (and don't look back) I find airports/flights stressful too & so have been on the Eurostar a couple of times instead - Paris, Amsterdam, Brussels.
Have a great time 👍

Choochoo21 · 01/08/2024 17:47

ComedicPivot · 01/08/2024 16:46

OP, with kindness, you’ve left one marriage where post divorce you were too anxious to get on a train. Now you are in a 3-year relationship, where he’s manipulating, at the expense of your DC, what you do.

Why does he know how much money you’ve got? I know married people who don’t even know how much their other halves earn. Why haven’t you played it down….oh yes, my house is nice but we are really scrapping by. Don’t talk about where your money comes from. Pretend you don’t have any.

He’s your boyfriend. He doesn’t live with you, your finances aren’t shared, he doesn’t know your DC and vice versa. It’s none of his business if you take your kids to Lapland for Christmas and all inc holidays to 5 star resorts in summer, and buy them whatever.

I’ve a couple of concerns here. He’s controlling you and his feet aren’t even under the table. Your DC are missing out on creating memories with their mum, and can see the reason why - him.

Why have you entered into another relationship that causes you anxiety?

OP, as a 50 something woman I can, with experience, tell you a home truth.

You don’t need a man. You have your DC. They’ll give you DGC, extended family etc. You have a house of your own. You are financially secure.

The only reason you need a man is for company. Keep him at arms length if you want to continue on, or bin him off for a better version.

Do not, under any circumstances, marry him.

Absolutely this 👏👏

A relationship is meant to improve your life, not make it worse.

Someone making you feel guilty for doing something nice for your kids is very concerning.

chocobaby · 01/08/2024 17:49

OP I think the real issue here is that your BOYFRIEND is a little 🤏🏽 boy brat.
I can’t understand how and why you should give going on holiday abroad with your kids a second thought.

i think you should consider not being in this relationship is he kicks a fuss about you spending time that you’ll be paying for with your kids.

bfsham · 01/08/2024 17:51

@ComedicPivot
👏
I don't even know you OP but I'm worrying about you after reading your posts. Your financial situation (probably accrued with what sounds like a great difficulty) is none of your boyfriend's business. Spending £4K on a holiday for you and your DC is your business and your's alone. Do not give him any of your's /your children's money.

suburberphobe · 01/08/2024 17:57

The thing is I know my DP will kick off about it because he will see it as unfair that I can afford to do this with my dc and he can’t.

Tough.

Go and enjoy your time with your kids. He doesn't "own" you or has any right to tell you how to live your life.

Don't let a man dictate how you spend time with your kids!!

suburberphobe · 01/08/2024 17:58

Don't let a man dictate how you spend time with your kids!!

Or where!

LividNamed · 01/08/2024 18:00

Ditch the loser

Have a WONDERFUL holiday.

Choccyaddict4eva · 01/08/2024 18:03

What kind of ‘man’ ‘kicks off’ because his partner can afford to take her children abroad and he can’t? Book the holiday and then dump him.

Sunshineafterthehail · 01/08/2024 18:07

He musn't care for you very much if he begrudges you things. Your money. Your dc. Your holiday.

Sunnydiary · 01/08/2024 18:12

What the fuck have I just read?

You think he might expect you to give him money? Because you and your children are going on a better holiday than your boyfriend?

What makes you think this @Ragrugflowerdots ? I’m wondering if there have been previous similar incidents?

In case you haven’t got the message by now, of course you should go away and have a brilliant time with your children, and it has fuck all to do with some bloke you are dating.

If he has made you feel like this he must have a GIGANTIC sense of entitlement.

Whatever you do, do not marry him.

I would dump him if he dared to say anything other than “ oh that sounds brilliant, I hope you have a great time.”

Original poster
Ragrugflowerdots · 01/08/2024 18:19

Thanks everyone. I just needed to hear that I think. I think because he often tells me how much easier my life is etc I buy into it and I am feeling guilty for being able to afford to do this.
I recognise I am fortunate and the divorce settlement is a large part of why I have been able to buy my own house. The inheritance means that I can also afford to take the dc away on a more expensive holiday.

I haven’t really been well enough physically or mentally up to this point to take them abroad. This is the first summer I’ve felt I can - I was going to leave it but I was just thinking about dc1 and how actually there probably aren’t so many summers where they’ll want to come with me. And actually they are really good company now - at 16 it’s a bit like having a friend come with me although obviously I am ultimately the adult who is responsible. But it’s ‘easier’ now that he’s older vs a few years ago. And he’s old enough that if he doesn’t want to come with me and my younger dc for a day out somewhere he can stay at the hotel by the pool or whatever he wants to do. He’s fairly chill tbh.

I know DP finds the disparity in our situations very difficult. At some point he is also likely to inherit a fairly substantial sum of money which may lesson the resentment.

OP posts:
Coralsunset · 01/08/2024 18:22

Honestly @Ragrugflowerdots why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone who resents you and has negative feelings about your financial situation?

Are you scared of being single or something?

It’s bloody marvellous!!!

tribpot · 01/08/2024 18:29

I know DP finds the disparity in our situations very difficult.

Does he have no friends or family who earn more than he does? Or is it just you, and your relative prosperity, that he resents? I bet you'd see a whole other side of him if his inheritance made him better off than you. And not a good side either.