Want to take my dc away on my own

[Ragrugflowerdots]

I’m in a tricky and slightly unusual position I think. I’ve been with DP for three years - he has a dc and I have 2dc. We have never attempted to ‘blend’ I see him without his dc and he sees me without mine. The dc have only met a handful of times. My eldest dc does not like his dc and tbh I’ve been quite clear that I don’t want to try and blend them together as I rarely think it works.

I earn more than DP and I also had a sizeable amount of money from my divorce. I had an inheritance also and now own my own home - I know I am really really lucky to be able to do this.
DP is nowhere near as ‘well off’ financially and it does sometimes raise its head that he and his dc are hard done by compared to mine.

He is taking his dc away for a week in the UK this summer. I wasn’t going to take mine away as I have been unwell but I have been feeling better the last few months and I am wondering whether i might be able to book a week / ten nights somewhere. I’d like to take them abroad. My eldest is 16 and probably won’t want to come with me for so much longer.

The thing is I know my DP will kick off about it because he will see it as unfair that I can afford to do this with my dc and he can’t. I don’t know if I should give him some money? It is unfair, I agree. He wouldn’t come with us as he will have his dc over the time I am looking to go.

Im not really sure what to do about the financial disparity when we are in no way blended. I could just take mine in the UK. That would cause less upset I think.

Any ideas?

It’s not pathetic to be gaining confidence as you do new things! It’s admirable to be pushing yourself and trying new things. You deserve better than him

I get a buzz from finding I can do things on my own with them. I increase in confidence every time I do something new. I know that’s pathetic but that’s how it feels.

Thats not pathetic @Ragrugflowerdots . That’s amazing!
Youve left your marriage. You’ve rebuild your life. You are growing in confidence because you are ready to face the discomfort that comes first with putting yourself out there.
You're a fantastic woman!
Don’t let anyone, incl yourself, tell you otherwise.

Book it tonight, just do it!

Your confidence is increasing and your children will never forget this holiday.

It's a good price, Nab it while you can, check your passports are in date and go shopping at the weekend for a new swimming cossie.

You've got this

OP, you sound ike you have a sensible head on your shoulders. You definitely don't sound pathetic

The thing is I know my DP will kick off about it because he will see it as unfair that I can afford to do this with my dc and he can’t.

The fact you know he will kick off and not like you taking YOUR OWN CHILDREN ON HOLIDAY (totally normal thing) is a major red flag about his character. Book your holiday and if he doesn't like it, that just tough really isn't it. Do not start giving him money. Slippery slope.

When you start limiting yourself like that because of how you know a partner will react to things you want to do, it's a classic sign that something is off in the relationship. Enjoy your money the way you want to and if he has a problem with it, then that's the problem - not your actions.

OP you’re not pathetic. When I split with my DH it’s the first time in my life I’d never lived with another adult - I was 48!

And the first time I went on holiday with just my son I was forcing myself not to cry on the plane for his sake, I was terrified. But after chilled fun week in Greece where we chilled by the pool all day, ate alfresco then I had a bottle of wine in one of the seafront bars while he played with his phone or we played pool, found a bar with music videos etc. I have the most amazing memories of that time. Then the following year we went to a different Greek island for another week of the same. Its precious memories with your kids that’s worth more than money

Don't you ever think it would be nice for your children if you were to meet a guy who wanted to meet them? Who didn't resent them? Who didn't think he was entitled to say what their family did with their money?

I'm sure you have days with him where you have a narrow experience and pander to him in case he gets upset.

I just can't understand how you - who are doing so brilliantly now - would put up with such an awful man. You deserve so much better than this and your kids do, too.

He has met them - but they only really tolerate each other. He’s not used to more than one dc. Imo my dc are easier than his - but they are also mine so appreciate I am biased. Due to his son being autistic he much more rigid in terms of routine and gets peopled out quickly.
Bit like his dad tbh.

I’ll tell him this weekend that I’m planning on going the last week of August. I’ll see how it goes. I guess if he kicks off I have my answer. It feels unreasonable for me to take the dc when I do know he’d like to go abroad. I could perhaps go with him later in the year but I’d not go for ten nights. Maybe a short city break.
I know the issue will be the ‘unfairness’ of it. He’s broken up with me twice previously because of the unequal situation. Once when I bought my house and once when I had a new (not brand new, new to me) car.

I mean, it’s not like day to day we do anything differently to him tbh. I’m certainly not rich but I am comfortable and I am grateful for that.

Absolutely go abroad - do not stick to the uk!! I’ve taken my two away abroad on lots of different holidays. I became really ill one year when they were 6 and nearly 12 and my not quite 12 year old stepped up and was amazing so you’ll have no issues with your kids being that much older. Enjoy!

So he spoils everything you have that's good?

He tolerates your children.

He resents you taking a holiday that's longer than his.

He dumped you for buying a new car.

He dumped you for buying a house.

FFS! Read this again and again. This is not a good man. He's not a decent man. He's eaten up with resentment towards you.

And I hope you weren't thinking of paying for that holiday with him later in the year.

If he dumps you over it don’t take him back! You sound like you’re outgrowing him anyway as your confidence is increasing and you realise you’re worth more

It feels unreasonable for me to take the dc when I do know he’d like to go abroad

Maybe ask yourself why this perfectly normal scenario of going on holiday with your children feels unreasonable when it’s about as far from unreasonable as it gets. He really has done a number on you hasn’t he?

Honestly OP the more you post about this man the more he sounds like a nasty vindictive controlling manipulative arsehole.

Is there no one in your life you can talk to about how pathetic spiteful and respectful this man is? Saying it out loud might be a lightbulb moment.

Stop wasting your life on this horrible jealous little man who will keep dragging you down

@Ragrugflowerdots

.I guess if he kicks off I have my answer. It feels unreasonable for me to take the dc when I do know he’d like to go abroad. I could perhaps go with him later in the year but I’d not go for ten nights. Maybe a short city break.

So if he kicks off do you plan to shelve the plan to take your children away & go do something like a city break instead?

Honestly the more you describe him the worse he sounds. I'm astounded you have agreed to get back with him after he has already dumped you twice?

I am astonished how much power you give to this man who keeps dragging you down. If he isn't happy with his standard of living he should come up with ways to make more money, not expect you to not live how you want/can afford. I have a feeling if the shoe was in the other foot he wouldn't give a shit about you.

Go on your holiday and have that lovely time with your children. Do not feel guilty.

I think it’s a shame you’re with this guy who is unsupportive and bitter. He should be happy for you that you’re feeling better and want to spend time with your kids. I think your kids have got the measure of him.

Don’t let this man take away your joy. It is natural and normal to be happy when you buy a house or a car, or book a nice holiday - a cause for celebration - and he’s ruining those moments with his petty jealousy and anger.

OP, if your best friend or sister had a partner who spoiled these occasions what would you tell her?

It is not normal for your loved one to ruin those moments for you. It is not against the law to have your own money and to choose to buy things with it, and it is not odd or selfish to want those things. You should not ever have to defend yourself or feel bad.

Don't tell you boyfriend then plans till they are all booked.

I've seen some greatmnargain last.minute holidays this year. Take advantage of them.

Your last update says it all - he broke up with you when you were doing well.

This isn't your forever man. You need someone who cheers you on. Who is proud of you for doing new things on your own. Who makes you feel good about your choices.

Above all have a fantastic time. (And if something goes goes wrong on holiday- which happens to all of us sometime - do not hear his voice in your head saying 'see you shouldn't have gone abroad').

Come back and tell us how it went.

His financial situation isn’t your problem. You don’t live together, or share finances. Just book the holiday abroad with your kids.

You are not living together. You are not sharing finances. It is NOT unreasonable of you to go away abroad with your dcs.
And you really do not have to make it up for him by ‘taking him away abroad’ later on.

If you wanted to do so because you wanted to do something nice for him, then yes.
But you’d be doing that to compensate. To try and avoid him kicking off. To reduce some unfairness that you simply cannot reduce (well unless you are ready to pool all finances with him and give him half of what is yours?)
Dint feel bad about the inequality.
Seriously, if it was the other way around, do you think he’d have any qualms about taking his dcs abroad whilst you had to do with a WE away in the uk? I doubt so.

He’s dumped you every time you’ve had something he hasn’t! Wow.

Why do you think he’s punishing you in this way? Was it just before you did it to attempt to get you to change your mind, or was it so that you learn that you don’t spend money without consulting/including him in future? You’ve certainly learned that lesson well haven’t you! Doesn’t that sound very controlling to
you? If you do something I don’t like, I’ll dump you? And it’s working isn’t it. You are seriously considering not going and you are going to wait to see what his reaction is before booking it. Oh and you think it might sweeten it for him, if you offer to take him away later!

Please just book the holiday then tell him. A normal reaction would be, oh great that you are feeling well enough now. They might express a bit of jealousy, like you would do if a friend is going somewhere nice, but ultimately they’d be pleased for you. Not try to stop you because it’s not fair!

Where was the fairness when he was taking his kid away and yours weren’t likely to go because you were unwell. Unfairness didn’t come into the picture then did it.

What else do you let him have his way on? Choice of movie? Etc. At the moment you might feel it’s because you don’t mind really, but try exerting your will a bit on lesser things and see what his reaction is. I suspect he won’t be happy. He definitely has a controlling streak.

Book the holiday, then tell him. If he dumps you again or gives you a hard time, then there is your answer.

Nails it.

It sounds an exhausting and draining relationship op. I have a dh who adores my dc. In 12 years they have never had a falling out. He is fantastic with them or he wouldn't be in my life..

It feels unreasonable for me to take the dc when I do know he’d like to go abroad.

Why? One thing has literally nothing to do with the other. When you didn't feel mentally up to taking your dc on holiday, but he was planning to take his, was that unreasonable? Should he have stayed at home with his dc too so that everything was 'equal'?

I know the issue will be the ‘unfairness’ of it. He’s broken up with me twice previously because of the unequal situation. Once when I bought my house and once when I had a new (not brand new, new to me) car.

Can you really not see how ludicrous this is? Be honest - have you ever bought things for him out of guilt and/or to avoid him sulking because of your greater buying power?

IMO he's trying to bully you into blending families because he wants access to your money. He's keener to blend, not because it would lead to a better situation for everyone, it sounds like it would be worse for everyone except him. He's broken up with you twice because you've spent money and he can't. This is AWFUL, and you should take it as a sign for how he will treat you in future if you stay together (ie - he will use you to make his life better, it will not be a mutual partnership)

Seems likely. Yes.