Want to take my dc away on my own

[Ragrugflowerdots]

I’m in a tricky and slightly unusual position I think. I’ve been with DP for three years - he has a dc and I have 2dc. We have never attempted to ‘blend’ I see him without his dc and he sees me without mine. The dc have only met a handful of times. My eldest dc does not like his dc and tbh I’ve been quite clear that I don’t want to try and blend them together as I rarely think it works.

I earn more than DP and I also had a sizeable amount of money from my divorce. I had an inheritance also and now own my own home - I know I am really really lucky to be able to do this.
DP is nowhere near as ‘well off’ financially and it does sometimes raise its head that he and his dc are hard done by compared to mine.

He is taking his dc away for a week in the UK this summer. I wasn’t going to take mine away as I have been unwell but I have been feeling better the last few months and I am wondering whether i might be able to book a week / ten nights somewhere. I’d like to take them abroad. My eldest is 16 and probably won’t want to come with me for so much longer.

The thing is I know my DP will kick off about it because he will see it as unfair that I can afford to do this with my dc and he can’t. I don’t know if I should give him some money? It is unfair, I agree. He wouldn’t come with us as he will have his dc over the time I am looking to go.

Im not really sure what to do about the financial disparity when we are in no way blended. I could just take mine in the UK. That would cause less upset I think.

Any ideas?

Instead of worrying about whether he will kick off you need to decide when to ditch this jealous loser. Have a fabulous holiday and don't give this fool a second thought. The threat of him kicking off does not bode well for the future, especially if you became more serious, it sounds like he would be controlling.

IMO he's trying to bully you into blending families because he wants access to your money.

Hard agree with @climb12sides

Sack this one off op. He just wants your doubloons.

I'm sure if he ever moved in with you he'd find a way to spend all your money fast.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php

https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

OP, with kindness, please read this book and complete the Freedom Programme.

You seem to have left one relationship that left you an anxious wreck and entered another that has you walking on eggshells. This man ended the relationship when you bought your own home, a place of safety and security for your children, then dumped you again when you bought a car, a household item that means you have transport for work,independence and a way of getting your DC to the doctors in an emergency, does that seem reasonable to you? A house and car are pretty basic necessities for ensuring your DC are secure and provided for, yet he begrudges that for you and your DC.

This is so much more that a fortnight away in the sun, this is who he is, an angry, bitter person that doesn't want better for you or your DC, please wake up to this, it won't get better, there isn't enough appeasement to please him, it will always be you having to make yourself smaller to make him feel a big man.

I'm struggling to see what joy he brings to your life when he makes you doubt yourself and have to second guess his possible reactions when you're making decisions that don't involve him....

....You've proved yourself to be a strong independent woman since your divorce, don't question that.

Highly recommend Copenhagen. Beautiful, clean, loads to see and do, fantastic public transport

This post has just reminded me as to why I mainly stay single, I'm in the same situation as you and most of the men I meet tend to be in the situation of your DP.
I just recently started seeing someone and I think that all these problems are going to come up too. Our lives are very different and for the first time I'm dead against our kids even meeting, were off to Spain for 10 days AI, him and his DC are camping for a week. Even when we went out for a drink on my birthday last week and I ended up paying for both rounds.

Totally agree with this. Hes a jealous bitter resentful little man who can’t stand anyone having more than him. He wants what you have OP and he’s throwing his toys out the pram because you’re not rolling over and handing him gifts on a silver platter. He seems to think you should prop up his lifestyle rather than him honour and better himself by his own efforts.

So many PP’s have asked why you’re with this loser but you’re buying your head in the sand saying things are fine when it’s just you two. Well do you really want to live your whole life in a bubble away from any outside noise?

Just go. Have fun. If he is not pleased for you, or at least accepting that different people can do different things, then he is an arse.

I could not be in a relationship with someone I didn’t respect, but it’s for you to work out what works for you. However, if the relationship has an adverse impact on what you feel you can do with your own money and your own family, and has you treading on eggshells, is it really a good relationship?

Oh, OP, this guy sounds utterly miserable! This sulkiness should be a massive turn off for you. You are not responsible for his finances. His options should be: improve his financial situation (new/extra job?) or ending the relationship with you if he feels bad about the financial disparity. It should NEVER be about making you feel bad about what you have in life.

Go with your kids and have fun!

But also think about what you are really getting out of your relationship with him.

Whatever you do don't give up time with your kids or friends or relatives because of him. However much he sulks.
This is all part of your growth after you marriage. You can do it by yourself. You are growing, and don't let any man drag you down.

Go girl!

Please only tell him about the holiday once it's a done deal. I wouldn't want you to feel like you can't go ahead once he's made it clear he's not happy about it. Ultimately you're not a family unit, you both spend within your means and you're fortunate you can do more than him. A loving partner wouldn't want you to curtail your family's enjoyment just because he couldn't do the same. I do worry that this isn't a healthy relationship if he's so jealous all the time.

I think you are afraid he will break up with you. You could well be right, but if he does, you should make it permanent.
It's unfathomable that you got back with him after the first time he dumped you for buying your house, and over a 2nd hand car - that's crazy. You should have better boundaries. Only he is responsible for the life he has, being jealous of others is his problem and its not a nice trait to have, you shouldn't put up with it.

Definitely, book it first, then tell him when it's a done deal.

He doesn’t always expect me to pay for things - we are pretty 50/50 and take it in turns.
I think the main issue is that I do feel responsible for him and his unhappiness. He feels he got a poor deal from his divorce and he doesn’t like his job much or have any friends really.
This means that I often feel bad about getting on ok at work or doing something with a friend, because this can lead him to go into a spiral about how bad his life is. How his job doesn’t pay him enough or recognise how good he is, how he hasn’t got any close friends and so if I don’t choose to spend my time with him he’s on his own if he hasn’t got his dc… I feel bad that he is unhappy and probably take that on too much. However, I do feel that his bitterness / anger is directed at me during those times, it feels like an attack.

I strongly suspect the relationship won’t stand me taking my dc on holiday, especially a holiday abroad. I’ve taken them for three or four nights in this country before but that’s it.
I guess I need to try and hold onto it not being my ‘fault’ that we are in different positions. He always says it’s easy for me to say that I’m not concerned about the disparity because I’m in the position of privilege and he says my background is different to his and I’ve grown up in a reasonably (but by no means wealthy) affluent household whereas his family weren’t as well off as mine. Again, I can’t do much about that. I wish he were happier. Overall he is dissatisfied with his life and that’s hard I guess.

Your children only tolerate him , not like him , it sounds like they have more sense and better taste than you do @Ragrugflowerdots .

Then dump him.

This has stuff all to do with his kids. He doesn't even need to tell them. You have no relationship with them. Your kids have no relationship with them. You're two people dating. You can do whatever you damn well please!!

This issue will always come round op. When the kids want to go away somewhere, when you help them with uni or a house or kids. Every time you spend money on your kids that he can't spend on his, this will happen
And you know this, cos you're ready SCARED about his response.

Your money. Your kids. Your life.

If the relationship won't survive a week in Spain for you and your kids using your money, please hurry up and book it, tell him and get excited about a fresh start with TWO not THREE children

You are not responsible for his unhappiness! Please get that thought out of your head. It is not up to you to facilitate a better lifestyle for him. A decent person would wave you off on holiday with a "Cheerio, have a great holiday, tell me all about it when you get back". A decent person would not be sulking because they couldn't afford the same holiday as you. He is jealous of your better financial position and is trying to make you as miserable as him. Get rid of this loser, it will only get worse as time goes on.

So first off no you don't give him money his financial situation is not your responsibility! Second as you have said your families aren't blended so it really shouldn't be any of his concern what you do with your daughters I would go ahead and book what ever you want and casually mention it when it gets near going . if your not blending the families and not living together and clearly money is an issue then where exactly is the relationship going ?

I hope you do go on a holiday with your DC, and have a wonderful time.
MN is also very helpful in giving advice on holidays, especially for first timers looking for something easy.

100% this - he’s a grown man. You are not responsible for his life choices. Your children are your priority not this bitter resentful man child

He is sucking the joy from you with his petty jealousy and potentially ruining your chance to make precious memories with your children. You won’t get their childhood back - don’t lose the chance to put them first because of a twisted little fun sponge.

It’s ridiculous OP that you are anxious about how he will react to you spending your own money to take your kids on holiday.
A caring boyfriend would be happy for you, not gaslighting you into feeling guilt about spending your own money.
It doesn’t sound as if he has got over his divorce and is still using you as an emotional punch bag.
I hope you have the strength to stop feeling guilty and enjoy your life OP without his little words of negativity poisoning it

You don't feel responsible Op, he has made you feel that way with his constant whining about unfairness. Your DC don't like him, he breaks up with you when you do something nice for your family, he's not a good bet for anything longterm at all. He reminds of the men on online dating, the ones who wreck their chances with women by spending the date bitching about their ex and how they fleeced him.
He thinks you'll keep going back and finally give in and live with him Op. You know that won't work don't you?

OP I find your story really interesting because I am in an almost identical situation in terms of the set up and also financial disparity, but the difference is that my DP doesn't try to make me feel bad and honestly, I don't think I would stand for it. This is not because I am some wonderful assertive genius but just because I couldn't bear it. We have similar where he holidays with his DC camping as they have always done, and I take my DC abroad, and we have a holiday just the two of us which I pay about two thirds of (he earns half of what I earn). Financial disparity is tricky as I know he feels bad and would like to treat me more, and I don't want to settle for always having everything slightly crap just because he has less. But he also wouldn't want that for me because he cares about me. It is so difficult but honestly given what you've described I think you could get a nicer partner who is on your side and would never resent you. I bet he would be taking his kids abroad if the boot was on on the other foot!