Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

Tell him cool but to leave in the clothes he's standing 🧍‍♂️ in and today.

Get a good damn lawyer and kick his ass to the curb. Be prompt in seeking child support so he can't leave you hanging raising your daughter.

Also I'm very sorry this is happening to you. It's all very well to look in hindsight and wish, but fuck that, you did what you did back then and now you have a daughter.

So he’s cheated and thinks he’ll get to choose when he moves out? Fuck that for a start.
Telling your dc is the most important thing and the way you do it. I’d lead in gently but truthfully. Dad has decided to live in another house, dad has decided to move out, that sort of thing. Stress that you both love dc very much and always will. If he asks if it’s something he’s / she’s done obviously say it’s not but I wouldn’t put it into his head iyswim.
Gradually he’ll have to know his her dad has another woman and he’s moving away but I’d leave that for now unless he asks.
id be telling husband to get out now. You don’t want him crying in front of your son, making it look like he’s the injured party.

Sorry, thought I read ds but could be dd.

"Tell him cool but to leave in the clothes he's standing 🧍‍♂️ in and today."

Whether you can do this depends on whether his name is on the mortgage for a start. If so, you have to rely on him doing this voluntarily as you can annoy change the locks etc.

Thanks all for your responses.
I'm of the mind that tell DC sooner rather than later so that at least we have the summer holidays to assimilate the shock and stack it up with starting high school rather than creating two separate periods of great anxiety?
What do you all think?
On a practical level, what do I need to get together and who do I need to call?
Do I tell friends and family tomorrow or do I wait...?
I think I've gone into practical and pragmatic mode. I really don't want to think about him leaving me. And being in love with somebody else.
I'm struggling at moment with menopause and this is like the ultimate kick in the teeth.

Feel so hurt.

Joint mortgage. House I absolutely love.

Can't even take it in yet.

We're in separate bedrooms and he's popped in four times since dropping his bombshell.

I just told him to go away because I don't want to talk to you.

I'm not even angry.

If you are able to get all the usual financial stuff done, then do it asap in case you don’t feel as able if it gets more overwhelming. Pension/savings paperwork etc is useful to photocopy.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. A cup of tea can be very soothing at this miserable time of the night. 🌷

I’m so sorry OP. What a horrible man and father.

First of all, he doesn’t get to decide the timeline of what happens next. Of course you’re still assimilating the news but in the next few days, once you see how you feel, your opinion matters just as much (if not more) when it comes to the future and living arrangements. It’s not you who has gone back on their wedding vows. Remember that.

What’s his plan for seeing DD? I’d want details on that first before telling her. Be there for her, cry together if she wants to, reassure her that you’ll be there for her but also acknowledge her disappointment and fears towards her dad leaving if she feels that way. No need to paint him in a perfect light if he hasn’t had the common sense to do that himself. It’s okay to grieve with her and be upset together.

Be prepared for him to come back within 12 months or so saying he’s sorry and that he had a crisis / breakdown and didn’t know what he was doing and asking you to take him back. Get ready to shut the door in his face. Remember the coward who left his daughter 2 months before one of the biggest changes in her life.

Sending strength, OP. You can do this, even without him. His big fat loss.

Yes I agree, rip off the plaster and take control of the situation. Tell yourself you are now in control and are ready to become a single parent. You are in control of his leaving eg kick him out asap. Don't let him flip flop about. You will do this op. And it will be okay in the end.
He doesn't deserve you xx

Wise words @RobinHood19.

It's the same old pattern.
Guaranteed it won't work out with new woman and he'll be crawling back within a year.
Good luck OP. Find the strength to find someone better. He doesn't deserve you and your DD.

You’ve already had great advise but the bit that angered me was his entitlement “not now but soon”
he does not get to dictate this.
practical decisions are what matter now - don’t trust him with false promises though. I’d make sure I have access to all the bank statements/ mortgage statements etc. effectively making sure he can’t clear joint accounts out. Long term you will have to think practically about the house depending on buying him out etc but for now it’s about the day to day- are you working/ earning enough to support yourself? If he’s a long way away I’m guessing he’s not going to push for 50:50 custody.
I agree speaking to friends and family asap to get support over the summer. Big breath- you’ve got this

Actually it doesn't even matter if his name is on the mortgage, it's the marital home so he has the right to live there until he chooses to leave.

OP I'm so sorry this has happened. He sounds like a total wanker. But don't regret staying - presumably you wouldn't have your DS if you hadn't. Life will go on and you will be ok in time.

Im so very sorry you are living through this. So much to take in, so many emotions, exhausting, shock, etc etc etc. Solicitor asap, ensure you have funds to cover, I’m not advocating cleaning out accounts, but be mindful you will need to make sure you’re ok regarding finances. Don’t be afraid of taking advantage of some things whilst he’s still feeling probably guilty as heck and ‘playing nice’, it probably won’t last. But do see a solicitor soon as. Good luck.

Biggest advice I have is don't regret staying with him. You made your choice and probably have some happy memories.

He is a total douche from my perspective but life is life and you'll get through this.

Second advice is take him to the cleaners

Fuck him! He doesn't get to dictate when you're finished. "Soon" will be coming for him, talk to a lawyer tomorrow.

Have a cup of tea, and write a to do list.

Include all mentioned in the advice above, plus:
Get a test for any sexually transmitted diseases.
Get copies of all financial and legal paperwork.
Confide in a friend/family, you’ll need support.

Hand hold, OP.

300 miles from his child? He's walking out on them. That tells you a lot.
If you have any joint savings take half and put in your own account right now.
Things to remember
It's just a house, not a home. Don't fight to retain bricks and mortar. (I did - women tend to - and it was a bad mistake looking back).
Tell the new school straight away. Ask for support for your child. Don't deny them help because you're embarrassed.
Finances. If you're separated then you can apply for UC if eligible. Also make sure child benefit claim is in your name.
Apply for divorce online. It's the financial consent order you need solicitor support with.

1. Tell people who are are well divorced and find out who represented them.
2. Contact a couple of the lawyers and get appointments. Use joint funds for this.
3. Get together all the family financials.

Tax returns Bank accounts Salary slips Savings accounts Investments Life insurance Pensions Mortgages Debts Assets Get the house valued

This will enable a lawyer to tell you what you might reasonably receive.

4, Decide what you'd like the split of childcare to look like. Remember DD will not be 11 for long so don't handicap yourself.

1. Long term decide how you'd like your life to look like in 5 years, particularly how this new dynamic will allow your career to improve.

He's going to find 50/50 child care difficult from 300 miles away. I wonder how he plans to solve that?

So sorry op. How wretched of him. You must be in shock.

He can cry all he wants but to actually plan to move so far away from his child is pretty hard nosed and despicable. How often is he planning on seeing them?

Crocodile tears.