Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

If you need support maybe tell a couple of people while you process and get your arse in gear. Ensure money is safe.any joint money get half moved so he doesn’t clear the bank accounts. There’s loads of good further advice on this thread already.

As for your son if he has a history of trauma does he have a social worker and access to mental health support/counselling?

Some men are so pathetic, doing this and breaking a family for a few weeks of an online relationship. Does he realise how far 300 miles away is? How does that work with his son? He will be confused you didn’t shout, cry etc when he told you too.

Seeing your update re DS being adopted, and from a background of trauma, I agree that it would be good to speak to new school. Y7 usually has a good team of pastoral support so they will be crucial to keeping an eye on him and maybe providing extra support for him.

Might also be worth talking to adoption charities as his reaction could be significantly different to that of a birth child (sorry if that's not preferred terminology) in a situation like this.

@stomachcramps

Do you think he is feeling any guilt? If so, leverage that and try to wrap up settlement as soon as possible and get as much equity as possible, given he plans to move away and 50/50 won’t be an option.

As you’re the main earner you’ll be in a good position so you want to make sure your mortgage costs are manageable.

I fought tooth and nail to stay in the family home and I’m glad I did - exH did me no favours financially so it hasn’t been easy but I’m glad for my primary school aged kids that they haven’t had to cope with a house move.

Lots of love - he sounds like a shit. I ended my marriage 2 years ago aged 41 and I can honestly say I have never regretted it for a second.

Itching powder in his underwear.
You poor thing, so distressing for you.

Sorry l, I think I put DD in my post. If you love your home and want to keep it then I hope you can. But if you can't, just think that on the positive side your new home won't feel like his home to him. When he travels back looking to come back 'home' with you both it won't be there.

What an absolute arsehole. As some PP’s have said I think he’ll probably try come crawling back once he realises the grass isn’t really greener 300 miles away. He is acting like a teenager. I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP and your poor son too

Sage advice here. OP I am so sorry, I’ve been there. I agree your H needs to leave as soon as possible, the plaster needs to be ripped off as soon as possible, but if at all possible; you need to navigate that in a way that stands you in the best possible stead for the years ahead. Unfortunately you need to build some kid. Do different relationship as parents.

No!
They've never met!
It's such teenage nonsense!
Joint mortgage but DD comes out of my account.
Council tax, water, gas, electric, all insurances come out of my account.
I can bloody do this.
He can sod off and find out the hard way how shite life is when I don't wipe his arse for him.
His younger, rebound, tik toc, belle is in for a huge shock when she spends some time, in person, with his skint lordship with no filters and no fucker to help him breathe unaided.
(That makes no sense... he wouldn't be breathing unaided if somebody helping...)

It's all good. Beneath the layer of stinging hurt I'm finding my anger and my derision for him, and her.

Arseholes.

My son is my priority - as he always has been. Husband triaged life as him, then me, then son.

Dick.

Is there a reason? Yes, the reason is he is a terrible human who has no regard for the other people in his life.

The reason is he was too cowardly to leave the relationship when he met someone else and has instead spent however long being deceitful and hiding it.

That is the reason. It doesn't matter if the marriage was not in a good place, there is NO reason to cheat on a partner when you have the option to do the kind and decent thing and let them go first.

The reason is he wanted his cake and to eat it too.

By asking for what reason, you are almost intimating the OP must have been a cause. We can't for one minute even suggest anyone but the husband and new partner are at fault.

That's what you need, some righteous anger to see you through the first bit (mine lasted a good 6 months)

Can I recommend grey rock - my split took 3 years to finish, and if I'd been continually engaging with him I think it would have broken me. Keeping my distance (not hard, mine left the entire country for the first year), only responding as strictly necessary to emails/texts and keeping them very brief and to the point. I refused to have calls or speak with him (I was completely sure it was over after what he'd done) as I had one, and found it impossible to keep my cool vs. taking a moment before responding to an email.

My kids see him a couple of times a month (max) and I haven't spoken to him in 3 years - he sends the occasional email - at least 50% of them don't require a response, so I don't. He arranges to see the kids by making calendar requests.

Unbelievable!!!!! He's acting like a deluded teenager. This will not end well for him certainly, but you can make sure it ends well for you. As you say, you have found your anger, and you can do this!!!! Your poor boy - but he has you as his devoted Mum and will eventually be ok.

For sure, your husband will be trying to crawl back in a few weeks time once reality hits - he hasn't even met her yet?!!!! - ridiculous. He has shown you absolutely who he is, don't be tempted to weaken when he starts crying his crocodile tears. It won't feel like it now, but you will absolutely have a better life once he's out of it.

Thanks @Greydiamond
We've had a tough time because intimacy is difficult when your child can't sleep through the night alone due to all he has been through.
I knew things were bad on that front - but we made time for each other when we could.
I thought we were a team.

OP this is simply awful and insane. I can't believe it, a tiktok thing. Pure madness.

What I would say is while he's feeling guilty and trying to sort out this move, do everything as quickly as possible. File for divorce, get the finances sorted etc. Don't hang around. Because when he is faced with the reality of being in this relationship on low salaries, he'll probably come to his senses. And be back for either you or the money.

In terms of telling DS, personally I would sooner rather than later. Gently of course and with support from school and counsellors if necessary. But best to start now and help him process. He'll pick up on the vibes anyway

Oh my god....he's an absolute fucking moronic bellend, tiktok!!! I mean, it's darkly funny in a way. At least you're the main earner op. I feel for you and your poor ds, but at least now you'll be shot of that absoluter loser. 5 week TikTok "relationship", sweet Lord.

Might well be worth contacting your local post adoption support. Ours have been very helpful over the last 3-4 years with therapy and visits.

It's awful, but I'm going to have to strike whilst the iron is hot. Whilst he feels guilty I'll just remind him that when I met him he lived in his football themed bedroom at his parents (aged 30) whilst I had bought my own house at 23.
He drives a fancy car that I bought and he only passed his test at my urging aged 35.
I'm not being conceited or bitter - everything he's achieved in the past ten years has been with me pushing him along

I am so sorry to hear this.

My husband had an affair. I only told my MIL as I needed her to look after the dc two weeks after he told me as the OW apparently was on her way from overseas to see him. It was years before I told friends and the only family member who knows is his auntie as I've divorced him 9 years later for something else, for me a much worse thing.

In trying to protect him, and being too scared to tell people as didn't know what he'd do, I've not done the best thing for me. He lied to our son why we'd split so I suspect he's lied to anyone in the family he has told or has asked. This means I've had no support and barely anything apart from his lovely auntie who rings me. Do whatever is right for you and your son.

My DC are adults and now know all of it, ex h doesn't know they and his mum know, and they are distinctly unimpressed and the dc are being incredible with me. He is being awful with the dc so I'd be expecting your h to forget he has a son. If mine can treat ours like this and they are biologically his, then I'd hold no faith in your h standing by his adopted son.

Make sure you eat and drink. Even though it was my decision to ask for a break I then had nearly a year where I couldn't eat properly and it did make me ill. Even fruit and veg smoothies and some vitamins are better than nothing if you do struggle to eat.

Your h is an idiotic twat and should be embarrassed that he's throwing everything away for a five week thing.

I wish I'd posted when everything happened with me as I know I would have got amazing support and that is what you will get.

Copy all financials - current and savings accounts, shares, assets, housekeeping and child related costs, car, animals, hobbies. You will both have to fill in a Form E which declares all your assets and all in and outgoings and this is a legal document where you both have to tell the truth.

You can file for divorce whenever you want online, you don't need a solicitor for that but you must tick the box wanting financial support. This costs just under £600. If you file for divorce you take the lead so I would do that as soon as you are 100% decided and ready.

We have got you 💐.

Bloody hell 5 weeks and he's destroying his family?
Fucking hell
But he Will learn
Once the sex wears off. And it will
They Will realise they knew nothing about each other and actually don't particularly like each other. He will miss the comfort of home. The familiarity.
The stability
And he's done it all to himself
Do he can sit alone in his tiny little freezing cold bedsit and reflect on what he did.
Don't look back OP. Rebuild your life and no matter how much he begs, don't cave in and let him back in.

What I mean is, me and DS are not leaving this house. I'll appeal to the tiny shred of common decency he has to remind him that it's technically mine and that DS and I need to be here.
The wee man has been through enough and will be destroyed at losing his dad - because let's be honest, how often will he see him at that distance?
So the last thing he needs on top of everything else is to leave the home he's been in since he was tiny - it's all he remembers.

I’m so sorry that this is what you’re going through. Your soon to be ex husband seems like a complete idiot. Moving so far away from his child to be with some chick? SMH
Like many mentioned before I suggest you get your finances in order, seek support from family and friends right away, try to release him to the universe asap. It’s a bad energy to be around. It’d be better if he moved out now.
Hit the gym, pamper yourself a little bit because your new future starts today. Get ready for this exciting new time in your life.
Make sure you stay on top of self care and managing your menopause. You are going to be amazing without him. Spread your wings and have no fear. Be calm and still.

He's going to be coming back in a month I hope you don't allow that op

Tell him he needs to go then get him out ASAP. Tell him to go her today. Can you afford the mortgage Alone? Could you be entitled to any benefits if he leaves? Are all of the bills in your name?

Quite right. Get that financial order done and even if necessary make him agree to getting his cut later when DS is older. Get him to agree to all of this sharpish!

I actually hope he's being catfished

@stomachcramps sweetheart I'm so so sorry. I hope you're okay this morning 💐

Firstly, and I have a lot to say on this but firstly if you can, make friends with the adopters on the adoption board. They're a very nice bunch. They'll help you with dealing with your ds additional trauma this will cause.

Secondly, he sounds like the most completely fucking stupid and selfish cockhead of a husband I've ever seen posted on here and I've been here for a few years now. Absolute scumbag who I hope nothing but unpleasant things for.

I'm usually of the opinion that OW owes you nothing and whilst it's shitty on her part, he is to get the anger, but if she knew he had an adopted DS who was about to go through a huge transition from primary to secondary school and still did this, fuck her, she's scum.
You don't fuck around with traumatised kids lives, you just don't. Arseholes, pair of them.

He's going to be a carer?! As a carer, as someone who takes every opportunity to defend carers, to tell people we're worthy, it's not exactly a solid career move. Twat.

Do you work? If not you'll be entitled to UC and if you're earning under a certain bracket you'll also be entitled to something. You'll get next to fuck all maintenance.
My concern would be if there is equity in the house would you have to sell up, more changes for DS.

I'd definitely tell ds sooner rather than later, it might fuck up his 6 weeks but 6 weeks is also a good processing time.

You have got this and your stbxh is a pathetic excuse for a man. You and DS are well rid of him.

Just get what you can to support you and DS out of him now. And when playing daddy to OWs kids gets boring, he realises she is unhinged as anyone allowing a man to move in without meeting them with her DC is and the appalling bastard tries to return.

Slam that door shut so hard that it almost decapitates him 💅