Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

@stomachcramps - Clearly this has hit like a brick. Practical/pragmatic are good. Emotionless is more than he deserves. I know it does hurt.
You will thank yourself later if you can maintain witholding anger etc. The sooner he goes -the better.
Please dont rush into telling your daughter.
guessing will come as shock to her too so
Providing you have family\friends who you trust to support you both in next couple of months then yes,confide.
..it wont necessarily be easy,
PLEASE remember HE has been hiding "relationship" from you- planning this-and thats not happened overnight. YOU can not trust him one bit.
So dont.
Hes made his "choice"
There is nothing about him you need or want.
Dont waste your time energy or emotion on him ..." nor on who "she" is... 15 yrs newer\shinier..pfffffft..(and sleeping with somebody elses fella...) Shes NOT won a prize! BUT SOON(?! ratbag he is eh) cant come quick enough.
is 300miles enough?? ..pretty sure they can fuck off further.
Focus on you and dd. xxx

I'd say that he had no intention whatsoever of seeking or accepting 50:50 care. He's not just moving out - he's moving 300 miles away. Besides which he's probably figuring a resentful 11 year old will not add to the romance of his new abode.

Get as much money as you can. No ideas of not being greedy. Go after everything. He's not going to be there and it's a lot easier to be sad and upset with money. The bloom might wear off for the other woman when he's living with her and having to stump up child support and she is discovering all his unpleasant habits like blubbing when he knows he is behaving badly and intends to carry on doing it. He is just despicable. Still it's a rare leopard who changes his spots. He'll be cheating on her next no doubt.

Ya, if you can focus on what you need now and take time away from him to process it. You can decide to talk about it when you're ready. And as was said give yourself time before telling your daughter. Hope you're muddling through ok. Don't worry too much about the house for now. You can get legal advice in time. I know there's memories there but you'd be surprised how quickly you can adapt to somewhere new and it could end up being a new and exciting change at the same time. You'll get to focus more on what you want and not have to wash his socks! Think of all the things you were doing for him. You won't have to do that anymore

🌷🌷🌷

Hi sorry to hear this.... Is there a reason why he has leaving and has he been having an affair because to get up and just say he's leaving must have been something going. I would want to know myself and then you be the one to not want to be with him.... As far as your child. Just sit then down and explain be honest and open is the best policy obviously sugar coat it a little but life will move on it will be hard but as far as what he done all those years ago you are in the right and you are the one calling the shots. He's the one that's cheated not you , but like I said I'd still want to know why it's out of the blue like you said you was happily married untill Naw well that's without what he done on the stag do.... Stay strong xx

You can start the divorce immediately. I would shock him with divorce papers. Don’t tell him just serve papers. Seek legal advice today.

The only thing I want to add is be strong and level headed and show an example to your daughter. This will be very important in shaping her life and how she behaves in the future, so show her that you are strong, that you do not tolerate men that cheat, that you don’t need him emotionally and that she’s the most important person in your life. Shit happens, it’s how you deal with it that will shape her. Sending you hugs.

What an absolute c#nt.

He doesn't get to choose when to go.
Tell him your expectations for custody. What an absolute lowlife for moving so far away at such a pivotal time for your DC. That just tells you so much.

Lawyer up and get the paperwork you need

I split with my ex just before my oldest started high school, in some ways I think it was actually a good time - they had a fresh start with people that were new to them and didn't ever know that they hadn't just lived with me so no explaining to do to everyone.

Tell him don't bother waiting until it's convenient for you, leave now.
I'd be pleased he was moving so far away so we didn't have to see much of him.
You are so much better off without him, in time you will see that. X
Keep us posted.

Also please don't take him back when he comes crawling back, he will do it again. X

If you can start and maintain a checklist (s) from the advice in the responses you are getting eg with docs to check etc . Don't let him know what you are doing as you get things in order. Things he will be aware of do last.

As a PP said be truthful with your child whilst letting them know it's not them or you. I think you are right to tell them sooner so they have time to deal with it before school starts. If you have a support network tell them quickly.

I'd ask him to go out right now to give you space, tell him to stay with relatives. Ask him to think about when to tell the kids and say you'll think about that too.

Get photocopies of the things you need to.

Tell someone you trust.

also before his guilt fades which it will.

so sorry op. 😞

It's 6.11am and I can hear him snoring in the next bedroom.
I'm about to give all kinds of details that will be outing so I'll name change in a few days.
Thanks so much for all your kind words and I've taken so much strength from you.
Fuck it. Fuck him. His new tik tok fucking fluff piece will see what he's like soon enough.
It's actually laughable. A five week online relationship on bloody Tik toc and he's leaving me and all we've built together.
Unsure where the DD came from.
We have an eleven year old DS. Adopted.
Child of trauma.
This is going to fucking destroy him.
In answer to many of you in terms of finances - I'm main earner.
He plans to jack in job and go and be a carer where she lives. That's what she does too.
She's five weeks split from her husband and has two children.
They're fucking selfish twats, the pair of them.

Sorry to hear this OP. What a bastard of a man!

You've already had good advice about finances - savings, pensions etc. I'd add on a practical level to make sure your name is on the utility bills, if not get them transferred as the companies will usually only deal with the person whose name is on the bill. If things like house insurance or broadband are in his name, make sure he doesn't cancel them (to save himself money), get those transferred too.

Check the 'entitled to' site to find out what benefits you can claim to top up your salary.

Apply for divorce so that you can get a financial order in place. It also gives you some closure and helps you move on.

Don't wait too long to tell your family or closest friends. You'll need some emotional support once the shock wears off.

Good luck OP.

This new relationship has disaster written all over it! Midlife crisis? Walk away with your head held high. You can get through this and support your son through the disruption; you will both be in a far better place than your sorry excuse for a husband in a year's time. Good luck and stay strong xx

My apologies OP but your last post made me laugh. He really is a prized twit isn’t he. Has he actually met her in person?

Can you take today off work and start getting things together. As the higher earner can you afford to buy him out?

so sorry you are dealing with this 💐

First thing is to get legal advice from a professional. Personally I wouldn't tell family and friends yet. You don't need their opinions.

Agree with everyone saying that he doesn’t get to dictate the pace of this. You have equal say op.

Be thankful you don’t have to listen to his snoring for much longer 😀

They sound ridiculously immature and selfish the pair of them. Like they are living in some sort of fantasy world.

Your son will take his cue from you and how you handle it and as a pp said, there are benefits to this happening between him changing schools, he can leave his old life behind and there are new friendships ahead of him, so take comfort from that. And let him get used to the idea asap.

Thank heavens you are the main earner op. Hold your head up high. You deserve so much better. It won’t feel like it now but it sounds as though you and your ds will both be better off without him. 💐

What utter madness he is engaging in. Poor you and poor DS. Eventually you will both be better off in every way. You just have to get through this painful bit. I would start telling family and friends that he is blowing up your lives for someone he met 5 weeks ago online. While he is teary and guilty get everything you can. Go see a solicitor tomorrow.

Well you're definitely going to have the last laugh eventually OP!
What a pair of immature idiots they are, five weeks and he's going to live with her two children?
I wouldn't give him a year, he'll be crawling back within months!

Lordy, a five-week online affair through TikTok? Either he’s lying to you about how long ago it started or he’s completely lost his senses. But be prepared for him to do a 180 and change his mind - only you can decide whether to give him another chance, but frankly it sounds like he’s had plenty and for your son’s sake a clean break might give him more emotional stability in the long run.

I agree with pps re asking him to leave now, he at least owes you the courtesy of not hanging around packing and preparing for his shiny new life.
Could he go stay with family or friends?
There's some good advice up thread for getting your ducks in a row.
After watching my dsis go through similar I'd advise you not to believe any promises he makes re money or the house as that's just his guilt talking, when his guilt runs dry he'll want his pound of flesh.
Think about your own finances, can you pay the mortgage (dsis ex refused to pay his half, 5 years down the line he wants half the house)
If you sell do you have enough for a deposit?
Could you get a mortgage?
Can you support DC while finances/CSM are sorted?
Can you claim any benefits?
This is the time to protect yourself, forget about your life together, any love you had for him and protect yourself.
You'll be in shock right now but be prepared to mentally crash, you need to look after yourself, tell your family and friends today so you have some support.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you, your H is an absolute arsehole.
❤️

He’s known her just five weeks? FFS. He’ll want to come back within the month. The wanker. Make it clear that he’s burnt his bridges.