Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

You might want to get off your high horse as the OP said (quoted)
Admits he wouldn't be able to do a carers job but 'has old mates who work on buulding sitrs etc'

So NO, he's not planning on getting a real job.

THIS IS WHY IM ON MUMSNET! OP you are a queen! Yes girl! What a week. Can I just say WTAF this other girl will be another generation to your husband and he will not be able to even hold an intellectual conversation! Adding the kids too wow! He is not the prize and she will also soon realise. Taking him on and with no job and no income to help her that will cause a few rows needless to say. You will be fine but just a heads up, when he comes running back I hope you have build a new life and are happier than ever before. Do not let him back in. As for ducks in a row, kick him out now! Then solicitor ASAP Inform close family and friends (you will want/need support) then CSA. Change the locks and begin a new chapter. Sending love! You’re in one of the best positions. Get a good solicitor!

OP
Just wanted to add to what others have said... you are incredible!

I went through similar with my ex-DH a couple of years ago. Our DTs were only a few months old so I was in the trenches with early motherhood whilst he was entertaining himself online talking to women.

I still will never know how I found the strength to kick him out and stick to my guns, but I'm so glad I did.

Whilst he busied himself meeting new women and living out his fantasies of being a "young and single man" again... I got to work on a divorce and a financial settlement that was very very much in my favour. The fact he was both distracted and slightly guilty worked in my favour because he signed pretty everything over to me. We also had a clean break because whilst he was dating he was running up unimaginably huge debts and didn't have a pension, whereas I have always saved and I have a pension.

I don't feel a bit bad about it, he has never provided for his kids since leaving beyond the bare minimum and has left me raising them as a single Mum, whilst working full... a life considerably harder than I ever thought I'd have.

On the flip side, two years on, divorce is finalised and I now live in my very own home with my two children. Life is hard at times, but I am so much happier now and know that I could never have been happy with him again after what he did. When I lock my front door every evening, it's my sanctuary and nobody who walks through the door is entitled to disturb my peace.

A couple of things to note, (you seem really sensible and switched on so I'm sure you're aware)

His family- please don't be too disheartened if, as time goes on, their loyalty towards him shifts. Initially my ex-DHs family were aghast at his behaviour and swore to support me and DCs in whatever way. I guess the saying "blood is thicker than water" is true, because in time the contact with them waned and now they barely see DC. I haven't spoken to most of them in months/years and given ex-DH barely sees his DC they have no idea how they are doing and don't seem to care. Ultimately they are his family and whilst I know they will always think badly of him for what he did (especially ex-MIL) they did eventually support him.

Dont be surprised if he comes crawling back, it's almost certain that he will, mine has tried a number of times. Then comes the anger when he doesn't get his own way. To this day I don't believe he really recognises the damage and pain his actions caused.

Sending you big love and strength - you've got this!

My sympathies to you. You will get through this is ❤️

This happened to me and I was absolutely gutted. However, what I did was get half an hour free advice from a solicior. I then say down my husband and got him to agree about the house (I had it put in my name) and financially how much maintenance for the children. He was going to live in USA and would have agreed to anything in those early weeks. I told our sons we had separated because he wanted to be with gf but he wasn’t a bad man and loved them. I did that for their mental health. Hate is not good for anyone.
We muddled through. Eighteen months later he wanted to come back. I considered it because I loved him but too much had happened and he carried on with gf. He paid for the divorce - every penny - and married the gf and they stayed together.
You will be fine. For your sake, it is good he is going 300 miles away. It makes it easier to get on with your life.
Sending you a virtual hug. Time to be practical and ensure you and your daughter can have a good life ❤️x

That guilt won’t last long if she starts saying where is your half of the house money? Try and get it done as fast as possible he might forget any feelings of guilt once he isn’t looking at you both, try and get as financial order as fast as is possible in the court system, I hope it all works out for you and your son he sounds horrendous, you’ve got this you can do it x

It was also stated that his OW works as a carer and he said he was going to work with her as a carer.

Another person said he has no intentions of getting a proper job. I just pointed out that being a carer is a proper job.

Smacks of victim blaming there: you seem to be suggesting that OP may have done something wrong and this has caused her husband's infidelity?
The "why" is that he chose to have an affair. That's it.

The no income part is why op should be very much on guard he's 100% going to stake a claim in her house he's payed sweet fa the vulture!

I am so sorry to hear about this. My husband did exactly the same thing to me. I was struggling with my health and depression and he left me for someone 130 miles away, a week before major surgery. I was a fool and took him back and he went again after 3 weeks.

I am not going to lie it is tough to start with but 11 months on I am doing great and he is stuck with someone who he doesn’t want to be with anymore and who is desperate to marry him. I received divorce papers this which she paid for!

You may be surprised at how your son copes with it all. I have DS’s with ASD and although there has been awful moments, they have shown great resilience.

If you want any help give me a yell and you got this xx

I agree with everyone saying to get legal advice. A friend of mine had a similar experience, even down to financially supporting her husband and she paid the mortgage, they also had one child together. After her ex husband had left she sold the house which was in her name and bought another. Friends kept telling her he would want his share and he did. However in her case she had to buy him out with £30,000. This was the amount the judge deemed fair. It is not always 50/50. Everybody has different financial circumstances and therefore different outcomes.
I myself got divorced when my ex had an affair. That didn't work out for him either! I managed to keep my house by the skin of my teeth.I was left with 14 and a 10 year old DC. I am now remarried to a wonderful man who's ex left him. We are far better off than either of our ex's and often tell each other how lucky we were to meet in our 50's. It may not feel like it now, you have to travel down a very long tunnel but there is light at the end of it! I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world!

Same opinion as everyone else. Lawyer up.

Coming on here late but good luck OP. You are an incredible, amazing woman and mother. Your don’t need that shithead in your life.
I’m so glad you have your sister and friend in your life.
wishing you and your son all the best! 🫶🏽

My Ex worked away from home. One weekend he had been home on leave and was getting ready to go back to work.
I was going down stairs he was coming up and said " That's me paced and ready to go, and by the way I won't be back.
He came down stairs, said goodbye to our 2 daughters, and left.
When I said what do you mean I was told " I don't want to talk about it. Cheerio"
And with that he was gone and didn't return ever.

Fucking hell! Did you find out why?

What a cunt he is.
Hope you’ve all been healthy and happy since he took himself out of the door

💐

Speechless.

Its bad enough for a boyfriend to do that, but a husband and father, and to do it to his children. You can't even answer any questions they may have because you have no clue either.

It's not just a one way thing. A girl I went to school with, upped and left her husband and two sons for her husband's best friend. Another schoolfriend left her husband for a much younger guy. They had been on IVF for ages and he was working nights to get more overtime to pay for it. While he was out working she was out clubbing and shagging around. Anyone who knows about IVF knows there are strict times when you can have sex to maximise the chances of it working and she was just "at it" whenever she fancied.

Both these men were much better off without their respective wives and I suspect you are much better off without your husband.

He’s probably doing you a favor. In time, you will find a good man who actually loves you and you will be able to live your best life. Don’t worry about the ex. He thinks the grass will be greener but he’s in for a surprise I’m sure. Don’t let him come crawling back when he realizes he can’t keep up with the shiny new model. And if the new model works out for him, good, you still live your best life. Best of luck to you!

In time, you will find a good man who actually loves you and you will be able to live your best life.

you don’t need a man to live your best life. A lot of women who divorce find they’re happier and more fulfilled without a man. Me included!

My XH told me he didn’t love me in November and immediately told the children he wanted “one last Christmas”. It was the most miserable period ever and I finally had to tell him to leave on the 1st February. Looking back my only regret was not telling to leave IMMEDIATELY. That was 11 years ago and my children are now adults. Of course there was another woman! He regretted it and I quickly realised I didn’t need or want him. He would come back if I let him as he quickly found out that the grass is most definitely NOT greener with the newer, shinier model. You’ve got this!

Exactly, and also let’s be honest and not give false assurances - not everyone finds a good man even if they’re looking/open to it.

But that’s no reason to stay with a cheat of course.

My concern is the tik tok fling crashes quickly (I mean what could possibly go wrong!) and he is then left destitute and seeks financial settlement from you. Or tries to crawl back.
If definitely get legal advice and try and wrap this up ASAP.
I think he already has cold feet. The fact he's not gone already and that he's told you there is no rush for a divorce ....
Your right about one thing - you can bloody do it and I know you'll do a great job.

If he gives up his job & moves away to a lesser paid/no job it seems ridiculous that that would mean he could claim anything from Op.

Absolutely this 🙂

Surely if he is deliberately depriving himself of income he shouldn't be able to claim from his ex-wife.

If you are claiming benefits and do this you don't get the benefit so maybe it is the same in this situation. It is an argument against giving him anything.

Hi OP @stomachcramps 🌺 how did you manage to get through the weekend? Hope you are alright. How is your DS? Hope he is having a fab time with his grandparents.