New house in DP's name only. Confused about future housing situation

[NamechangeForthisquestion1]

I'm just looking for some advice/opinions. Me and DP are not married. However we have been together for 9 years (we live in England). When I moved in, my name was not put on the mortgage, this didn't matter because it wasn't my property, we were also 'dating' at the time and I moved in as I was in a tricky situation housing wise so we decided to see how it went. Once I started working I paid around £400 per month, equating to around half the groceries and bills.

DP wants to move and sell the house. The mortgage has nearly been paid off. He is being gifted some £, so new house will effectively be paid for (once the current property sells.) there will be no mortgage. He has asked me to help out more financially, and mentioned a logder agreement, also asked me how much the rate is for private rent, which is around £700 in this area for a 1 bed flat, so he has given this figure + half bills and food as a rough idea for a contribution.

However I'm worried.. not sure if I should be? I just have a niggling feeling that if something should go wrong (either - he decides to split with me, Or he dies - he's 10 years older than myself). What happens to me. The house will go to any remaining family member or if there are none, to the government. He mentioned that if anything like that happened, worst case scenario is I could lodge elsewhere 😨 However he did say I'm on the will, I think this is for his pension only.

I just want to make it clear I'm not wanting to take any money from him, I'm not being greedy. I just want security for myself. I don't really care if I end up in a bed sit as long as it's secure, there's some sort of agreement in place or I own it with my own mortgage. It will be very tough to save for my own deposit if I'm contributing the rate of a rented 1 bed flat. I work compressed hours over 3 days (30 hours) I hate my current job and I'm looking for something else. Unfortunately due to a poor upbringing, and ongoing mental health issues I've not been able to have a 'career' I did try training as an OT but had to drop out after year 1, I was severely burned out and just couldn't manage. (I think I actually had a breakdown - I was prescribed AD's which made things worse).

He did say that getting a buy to let would be a good idea, I agree but I don't think I could deal with the complexities of this at the moment. I don't think I have enough for a deposit (I have approx 20k in savings).
Please be gentle 😅 he reads MN so will probably read this, I am only looking for opinions though. Thanks

The most common reason for people get married is financial security. The most common reason for people to divorce is due to disagreements about money

This is definitely not a reasonable request but it's definitely not uncommon for people to part ways over economic imbalances.

@ToofHurty oh, I just want to clarify. I still contributed during my training, albeit a bit less, £300 per month because I was studying. I've never not contributed, except for maybe the first month I moved in while I was getting Jobseeker's Allowance set up. I still contributed out of my JSA. My periods out of work were before I moved here. Actually I might have had a couple if months out of work when a temp job ended and I looked for another job.

What needs of his are being met if they don't have sex, she doesn't do housework, and she only pays £400 a month?

You’ve lived very cheaply. But, what you have isn’t really a relationship. 🤷‍♀️

@NamechangeForthisquestion1 you have been in this relationship for 9 years!! You either love and respect each other deeply and are committed to each other, or you aren't. A committed man would marry you, or at the least want to ensure your security and be happy to share his life with you. Otherwise whats the point?! If he draws up a lodger agreement thats what he sees you as, a lodger, not a long term romantic life partner.

@popthepopcorns - "When you say you argue about it when the subject comes up, what are his arguments? What reasons does he give for charging you market rent?" - obviously it was difficult because we were arguing but reasons were because food and bills have both gone up (I understand this). He mentioned getting a lodger but I asked why since there won't be a mortgage.

Well he’s getting half the bills paid. And I assume he likes the company.If he didn’t like it, he could ask her to leave tomorrow.

Obviously he's also planning to get £700 / month in his new place that he doesn’t need to declare to HMRC or pay tax on . And he doesn’t need a spare room , as he would with a genuine lodger.

And she’s talking ( very foolishly IMHO) of buying him some furniture.

If the rent for a one bed flat un their area is £700/month, the rent for a lodger would be about £350, not £700. So he will be coining it in.

You can do it. You are stronger than you think and you sound motivated.

As others have noted, there are agencies that exist to help you. It cannot hurt to talk with people at Shelter, Womens Aid and the like. Even if they do not have direct access to programs specifically for you, they have seen myriad scenarios and can perhaps point you in the direction of assistance. Not only for housing but perhaps job counseling, low-cost financial/legal planning, etc.

Do you get any time off during the week, that you could use to explore and access some of this support? You don't have to be as alone as you feel now. Be kind to yourself.

It sounds like he has bankrolled you for years and is fed up of it. You've been living rent free and paying what must be significantly less than 50% of bills and food. Meanwhile you've worked only 3 days per week while he's worked full time to pay off his mortgage and subsidise your lifestyle. I find it quite shocking how so many posters presume that a romantic relationship means you have an obligation to support the other person financially when there are no children involved.

I can't really see that he's done much wrong tbh, if anything you've been taking advantage of him financially for the last decade. How can you only have £20k saved when you've lived rent free and paid much less than your share of bills and food etc for a decade? You say you never spend anything so in these circumstances how have you saved only £2000 per year? Less in fact because that assumes zero interest on your investment at all.

On top of this you say the rest of your relationship isn't good, you argue and you're not intimate either. You say you moved in with him temporarily due to housing issues but then just stayed. Did he actually agree to that, or did he feel obliged to let you stay and hope that you'd step up once you sorted yourself out?

It sounds like for him it's more like having a dependent child than a partner and I get the impression that he's had enough and is looking to end the relationship. Any woman who posted saying their partner had lived with them rent free for a decade and only ever worked part time and was now miffed they should pay some rent would be told to LTB (or, more accurately, kick them out!).

It's all very well all of these comments expressing outrage about how he should treat you as an equal partner but that goes both ways and from what you've described it's hard to see what he gains from this relationship. From what you have said it sounds unhealthy for both of you. Best to end it and move on.

She really hasn't helped him pay the mortgage. She paid £400 which includes all bills and groceries!

@NamechangeForthisquestion1 your new attitude is encouraging. You can stand on your own 2 feet. You are much better off than when he met you!

Hello OP!

I tried to read most, but it's now 15 pages long, so apologies if this has been said.

You are in a really insecure position at 40 yrs old.

If I were you:

1. Get married. You've been together 9 years. Who cares if you're a low earner!? Lots of couple earn very differing amounts, as long as you work hard, have a genuine connection, and are in a loving relationship, you need to seriously think about why he won't marry you, and what his true feelings are for you? Are you a live in makeshift housewife who provides companionship and sex for him? That sounds harsh, but if he cared for you, he would want to make sure you are protected and looked after.
2. If he won't get married, and you want to, you should leave and focus on buying your own house. You can still get a mortgage at 40. Depends on your area, but i would say as a single buyer you might need a little bit more than £20K.
3. Contribute on a percentage based split. I did this when my ex partner was a high earner, and i was low earner.For example - your DP earns 80K, you earn 20K, on a 1K monthly bill you would pay £200 and he would pay £800. This is fair and simple. Why is he making you pay for the average rent when his mortgage is/will be paid off!? That's really weird?
4. Can you purchase a % of his house using your savings? He can use a deed of trust to protect his share etc.

You sound like you're in a really risky situation. He could decide tomorrow he wants to finish the relationship, what would you do then?

It’s very complicated really when finances come to play, this arrangement is still cheaper than if OP moved out and lived alone.

I have a dilemma myself for instance I live with my parents so I pay board not much so can save up etc. My partner same again who wants to move out but hasn’t saved anything. I’ve saved about 250k so wants me to buy a property worth 250k. Right now in the bank I get interest payments about 1k gross.

I am very laid back and happy to purchase a property for lot less (up north) we have no kids mid 20s.

So I don’t know how to go about it really, do I charge a small lodger payment because they want to live in a more expensive property and I’d be losing income that I’m getting with the cash sat in my bank at the moment! I understand I’d own the property. Or do I put my foot down and say sorry if I’m paying for it all on my own then we spend less? And then obviously just halve bills and they live rent/board free.

I’ve worked hard to get where I am and partner gets to enjoy the rewards for cheap but I guess that’s just the way it goes when you love someone.

If he insists that you pay £700 plus bills then it's time you move out. Don't listen to the people saying he is bad. He is simply protecting his money like women are always being told to on here. You can definitely still buy a property for yourself, maybe shared ownership?

The poll is here

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4620763-he-lives-in-my-house-should-he-pay-rent

I don't think the situation is black and white, but in most respects it doesn't really matter.

Facts are when he moves he has asked OP to pay £700 per month plus half of all bills to continue to live together.

That's the scenario and it's up to OP what to do with it.

asked me how much the rate is for private rent, which is around £700 in this area for a 1 bed flat, so he has given this figure

He should be looking at lodger rates. Or half of it if you don't get your own room. I do think the partner needs to wither contribute as rent or buy jointly and make sure the person putting the money in is protected. But the rent needs to be fair and there needs to be contract.

Can I recommend EDMR therapy which concentrates on how things in your childhood affect you in everyday adult life. And then deprograms you, so to speak.

Find a good EDMR therapist and have an initial consultation where they take a basic history. If you don’t click, try another therapist.

Mine was excellent and made me confront issues that I never even realised were issues.

Such a depressingly predictable response on MN where a y chromosone's involved - lazy, too, because it completely ignores that at no point which OP's mentioned has he pretended she's a loved partner

Though she hasn't said, I'm wondering what the circumstances of her moving in from a "tricky housing situation" actually were, and whether he saw it as just helping someone out and is increasingly irritated to find that OP's banked all along on it being more - even to the point of wanting something signing so she can live there after his death

Anyway it hardly matters; OP has agency here, and since he couldn't be clearer about what the situation is it's up to her - at least for now - whether to stay or not

I dont understand why he wants you to pay rent equivalent to a 1 bed flat - you won’t have a self contained flat with a secured tenancy. If he must charge you rent (I think it’s tight) he should base it on a house share cost.

i don’t think you’re money grabbing at all, but it sounds like he does.

@Puzzledandpissedoff think op said it was living with her dad and stepmum?
Op have you ever lived on your own, in your own place? Honestly I think it would be amazing for you!

However, if she stays with him she will have £700 rent and half the bills/food to pay. So she may as well move out and live in a bedsit or spare room. Then she can avoid the arguments mentioned.

Why get a lodger? Because he wants to make money on the move. He's either going to do that by charging rent on top of bills to you or get someone else to.
The thing is, you don't see someone you love as a cash-cow. I'm not sensing any love from him, just what you can provide materialy, but then it also sounds like you are only with him for MH backup if the need arises, and a bit of company. You can get friends for that, no man required.

I agree. I think his position is fair enough

I have read the whole thread and if I was in your situation I would look on spare room dot com and other houseshare websites. Depending on the area you could get a room in a house share or live as a lodger for £400-£700 a month with all bills included - electricity, gas, WiFi, TV licence, council tax. You then only need to pay for food and your share of cleaning products, loo roll etc.

Your DP mentioning you “taking him to the cleaners” was a red flag. You’re still young and these arguments/the insecurity about housing definitely aren’t helping your mental health. Hold onto your savings and start a new life.

Sorry to labour the point, but it wouldn't be a tenancy agreement because she isn't a tenant.
She's a lodger, because the landlord lives in the property. Lodgers have little to no rights in law.
Good to hear things worked out for your friend.