New house in DP's name only. Confused about future housing situation

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I'm just looking for some advice/opinions. Me and DP are not married. However we have been together for 9 years (we live in England). When I moved in, my name was not put on the mortgage, this didn't matter because it wasn't my property, we were also 'dating' at the time and I moved in as I was in a tricky situation housing wise so we decided to see how it went. Once I started working I paid around £400 per month, equating to around half the groceries and bills.

DP wants to move and sell the house. The mortgage has nearly been paid off. He is being gifted some £, so new house will effectively be paid for (once the current property sells.) there will be no mortgage. He has asked me to help out more financially, and mentioned a logder agreement, also asked me how much the rate is for private rent, which is around £700 in this area for a 1 bed flat, so he has given this figure + half bills and food as a rough idea for a contribution.

However I'm worried.. not sure if I should be? I just have a niggling feeling that if something should go wrong (either - he decides to split with me, Or he dies - he's 10 years older than myself). What happens to me. The house will go to any remaining family member or if there are none, to the government. He mentioned that if anything like that happened, worst case scenario is I could lodge elsewhere 😨 However he did say I'm on the will, I think this is for his pension only.

I just want to make it clear I'm not wanting to take any money from him, I'm not being greedy. I just want security for myself. I don't really care if I end up in a bed sit as long as it's secure, there's some sort of agreement in place or I own it with my own mortgage. It will be very tough to save for my own deposit if I'm contributing the rate of a rented 1 bed flat. I work compressed hours over 3 days (30 hours) I hate my current job and I'm looking for something else. Unfortunately due to a poor upbringing, and ongoing mental health issues I've not been able to have a 'career' I did try training as an OT but had to drop out after year 1, I was severely burned out and just couldn't manage. (I think I actually had a breakdown - I was prescribed AD's which made things worse).

He did say that getting a buy to let would be a good idea, I agree but I don't think I could deal with the complexities of this at the moment. I don't think I have enough for a deposit (I have approx 20k in savings).
Please be gentle 😅 he reads MN so will probably read this, I am only looking for opinions though. Thanks

You mention you’re a civil servant, awesome work getting your EO! You could approach EAP for advice and support. There’s also the charity for civil servants, they are brilliant and can help with all sorts of practical help, advice etc. Also, you should be proud of your savings - that’s taken hard work.

I hope you've been quietly stashing some savings away. It sounds like, in the long run, that you're going to need it to fall back on.

Just btw you might want to cut your losses with this one. Nine years down the line, he's still got his eye on the bottom line financially and isn't willing to offer you any security at all.

But £700 is for renting an entire 1 bad flat for yourself along with tenant rights but you won’t be getting the equivalent. If you can’t bring yourself to leave and you’ve become owner and lodger then look around either for a lodging or house share or the going rate locally for being a lodger.

Say the local rate is £600 for a double room possibly with en-suite including bills, you’d then draw up an agreement with him for sole use of the second bedroom in the house which you’d need to keep clean and then you’d pay for your own food. Any maintenance etc would be nothing to do with you. You can also look at adding a notice period though best saving as much as possible so if you had to leave quickly you could.

At this point it seems you don’t want to/can’t leave because you want the support and he wants to make sure he’s being paid for providing this so it’s already pretty transactional.

You can’t solve everything at once.

Counselling would be helpful for you to work out how to deal with things, you mentioned you’re a civil servant, i dont know if you’ve access to any support through your work benefits (do check) but you could contact this charity https://www.cfcs.org.uk/help-advice/health-and-wellbeing/

Also go back to your gp and say the ADs aren’t working for you and ask for access to talking therapies.

This isnt a partnership, your a lodger. He wants you to pay for his lifestyle. Id be leaving personally.

Ok you have a few problems here that need sorting:

1. your mental health. I'm so sorry it's been difficult to get counseling but please keep trying, even if you have to pay a few sessions out of pocket to get started.

2. your legal rights. Try to find help for this. You absolutely need to know your rights re: house, and what's meaningful/reasonable for your future together.

3. money. You've effectively bought a house for your partner, depriving yourself of those savings/assets. Please, stop thinking you're greedy for wanting equal footing and security. Why should you be left in the cold after contributing that much? Women over 50 are the fastest growing group facing homelessness around the world, because they've been putting others' needs ahead of their own. It's GOOD you're thinking this through now on time!

4. your partner. He's made you believe you don't have rights to property that you have half paid for him to own and pass on to anyone but you. DON'T agree to do this again with another property to build HIS wealth only. You absolutely need to be on the deed, or consider separating and buying your own place. He does not see you as a life partner, but an assistant/tenant.

You've taken the first steps by asking support here. You can do this. Take care of yourself 💛

You ARE his lodger, so you can only really expect to paying as such. In fact, you’re more privileged than a lodger because he does all the housework too.

Unfortunately, you need to face the facts that you’ve been living very comfortably and very cheaply for the last few years and have still only managed a small amount of savings.
You need to take a good look at your finances, consider your ongoing health, and decide what is the next best step for YOU. This may mean moving out and finding a place of your own now if his proposal for the new house is just going to make you feel resentful.

Your relationship with him is not a strong one when you say you are lacking intimacy and he is/was blissfully unaware of the MH struggles you are having, and which are clearly dominating your capacity to live your life.
Either accept your lodger status in the new place, or move on without him.

Wishing you the very best xx

Sorry, can’t ‘trim’ this quote, but you say she’s paid for half the property when she hasn’t.
She’s been paying for half the groceries and bills. The house is his and always has been.

I really do not recommend being a home owner on a low income. I had a period of unemployment due to illness. I didn’t meet the threshold for PIP but was entitled to UC. It wouldn’t pay my mortgage (understandably) but if I had been renting I would have housing benefits which would have covered it. I struggle to maintain my house on a low income.
I was raised to idealise home ownership but it’s been a massive burden for me and when interest rates rose I had to remortgage till I’m 70. I have a life limiting illness so will never own it outright. It’s a fucking millstone tbh.

https://www.cfcs.org.uk/help-advice/health-and-wellbeing/

https://civilservice.blog.gov.uk/2021/05/13/dont-despair-help-is-out-there/

As a civil servant, you have resources to access.

Sell it then?

Can’t afford the legal fees, estate agent fees and deposit for a rental. It also has some issues which would make it difficult to sell for the price I bought it for.

Time to have some conversations (difficult ones). He could allow you to live in the house until after death until you die before it goes to family/government but if he doesn't have children and he considers you a partner why wouldn't he leave it to you? (He's not obligated to but he could).
He needs to add you as a beneficiary to those pensions he doesn't get to add it to the will. You are in a very vulnerable position.
If you've contributed to any repairs or work on house, then you do have a beneficial interest you can also add home rights (it can't be sold until you remove them).
I'm not saying you should do any of this but just surfacing options. You could get a cohabitation agreement about who gets what if you break up.
You could use that 20k in to his house, but I would say you'd probably need some pension so probably having that liquid will serve you better at this point.

Also if he's mortgage free it's not ok to charge you market rate. Pay yourself that for your future wether break up or dies, otherwise hes just profiteering off you and leaving you with nothing. Why should you increase his savings and leave you with absolutely nothing?
I agree you should be paying your way on bills, but you absolutely shouldn't pay for accomodation of there aren't accomodation costs. That's just greedy.
I'd start by having a conversation about your partnership and say you don't want anything from him, BUT you also realise how financially vulnerable you are and would like you be fair to both of you, you are either partners or not and go from there.
Hugs lovely, be brave!
If he does give you right to stay until you die in house, as for an allowance to run the house or if the pension will be enough and actually come to you all good. There's no point being able to stay if you can't afford to.
Good luck!

OP what is he / has he been getting out of this relationship?
Thinking generously, perhaps he's been biding his time to see if your relationship/ intimacy issues will resolve.

Realistically you've been paying a nominal sum / rental as a lodger in his home similar to if you had been living with parents, contributing to the outgoings but not the mortgage.
He's been subsidising you for years while you struggle with your MH in silence, attempting to keep it all under wraps. He surely must realise your vulnerabilities.

You must realise this isn't a normal, potential marriage relationship, its transactional. But what I struggle with is what's been in it for him.
Clearly now he's going to be in a more solid financial position, due to an inheritance, he's re evaluating his life. And he's older than you so looking towards his pension provision.

To make this a more equal transactional relationship, perhaps he would consider using his inheritance + equity in the home he's selling to fund a BTL in his name only.
Then jointly take out a mortgage on your shared home with the funds you have saved and him putting in the same.

That way you will have an investment in your lives together and equity for your future.

It’s a tricky one - however he has paid the mortgage and deposit for his house and no doubt worked hard to get to that point. My suggestion would be to either say you will contribute to the mortgage and deposit in the new property and own it in the percentage you have contributed - this needs to be drawn up by a solicitor. if he died or you split up at a later date you would legally be entitled to the percentage you put in. This might make things complicated in the future if he has kids he is leaving his share too. If you want to keep it simple I’d let him completely own the house. Open a joint account and contribute the same amount each month and us it for all your joint outgoings - electric, food, white goods, boiler service etc but not the mortgage. Also get a Co-habitation agreement done by a solicitor and this can include if he dies how long you are untitled to stay in the house if he dies. This will give you the option of saving money but if you decide to buy a property and rent it out you may need to consider giving him some of the rental income you are receiving.
i think he is committed and so are you but you need to protect both of your interests and investments as it makes things easier if things go wrong x

There is NO SUCH THING AS COMMON LAW WIFE claiming property rights BUT if they were to marry They will be deemed as having been married for ALL THE YEARS THEY lived together plus years added while actually married. LODGERS have ZERO rights and its a waste of good money to go to a Lawyer because lawyer wont change property law. The only tenants who have some rights are tennants with the soul occupancy of a house or flat which is illegal to evict on a whim. But lodgers are vulnerable.

Do you not have a claim on the property as long term partner/common law wife if you split up after 9 years? Could you also say to him that after 9 years you want some kind of security regarding your future housing?

No, because there is no such thing as a common law spouse and hasn't been since the Clandestine Marriages Act of 1753. To be married, you need to have a formal ceremony.

I've read all the replies, thanks, they have really helped me to at least start thinking about things/the future.

I didn't think about the charity for civil servants, I'll contact them tomorrow...

I'm just so exhausted.. I'm not sleeping because of all the worry and even when I do sleep I still feel knackered. I just don't know how I can physically do all this.
I'm not sure I'm strong enough to move at the moment, even if that's what I decided to do .. this weekend I've felt so low it's just been awful. If I go to the GP and try another medication I'll probably have side effects again and have to take time off work like I've done before. All feels a bit hopeless, or maybe I'm overreacting? I just have a bad feeling constantly. Like I'm not safe.

Try and make an appointment with your GP There are so many different antidepressants you haven't tried yet.
It's a case of trial and error and they may enable to to think clearly and make changes
I do get it as I have suffered major depression and have been on antidepressants for decades.
Wishing you well.
You deserve so much more

You made some first steps already - give yourself credit! You can achieve things- you have some savings, you are able to advocate for yourself to some extent by telling him you can’t contribute more, you picked yourself up after looking at a career change, you have a civil service job, you have gone to the gp for support and will go again, you have posted here for advice and you have an open mind to the suggestions here. Perhaps write a list of your achievements and then a list for your next three things you’re going to do. Seeing progress sometimes helps.

When you go to the GP make the most of your time by writing down your symptoms- the emotional and physical pains/discomfort, what time of day, how frequent- it helps with narrowing down issues. Put them in order of what is bothering you most.

You have a bad feeling “like you aren’t safe” because you are not safe. Get away as soon as you safely can. Only from a safe distance will you start to be able to understand what is happening.

getting a mortgage no problem. (I am a mortgage adviser). There are insurance options that can be put in place to pay you if you are off sick for any length of time.

the new house - he needs to put in a will that the house will go to you first and then to whoever he wants it to go too. You need to pay 1/2 the bills that’s it why would you need to pay rent?

but you don’t pay for any up keep etc unless you are the beneficiary of the house. You can also get legal papers drawn up to say if you spilt you would get x amount out the house or you can split the ownership so he owns 90% and you own 10% (for example)

You don't feel safe because he does not have your back. This will not change as long as you are with him. You are afraid of being alone, but I put it to you that you'll feel safer - and your MH will improve - once you have left him.

Of course you are scared of leaving and all the upheaval this entails. Can you break down the whole process into small steps and tackle each one, one after the other?

Start by addressing your sleep issues - take one of the sedating antihistamines or melatonin.
Next see your GP and explore whether a different antidepressant might suit you better.
Maybe read a couple of self help books, such as Attached by Levine and Heller, or Susan Forward's book about toxic parents.

Find a counselor and really try to engage with the process.
Start looking into finding a rental for yourself by looking on Rightmove and contacting local letting agents. (Check the Shelter website too.)
Explore your options regarding getting a full-time or better paid job.
Start building an independent life, through hobbies, finding new interests, getting fit, listening to music, painting, making friends via Meet-up, get a cat..... et cetera - whatever floats your boat.

This probably looks like an exhausting list, but remember how to eat an elephant......... one bite at a time!

you shouldn’t be paying rent to him if you’re in a relationship and are moving in as partners; you should of course be paying 50percent for household bills / costs. If he’s moving you in as a lodger then yes, pay rent, but I think you need to clarify what your relationship is with one another and why he expects you to pay rent on a property with no mortgage? You have £20k in savings; where I live that would be double what you need for a deposit on a mortgage - but obviously rates are different so it may not be enough where you are - but why don’t you find out? I’m also coming up to 40 and have been told I could get a mortgage but I’d have a maximum of 20 years to pay it off. Speak to a mortgage advisor, if he sees you as a lodger, get your own place. Honestly living on your own can be a lot less depressing and lonely than living with someone who is wrong for you.