New house in DP's name only. Confused about future housing situation

[NamechangeForthisquestion1]

I'm just looking for some advice/opinions. Me and DP are not married. However we have been together for 9 years (we live in England). When I moved in, my name was not put on the mortgage, this didn't matter because it wasn't my property, we were also 'dating' at the time and I moved in as I was in a tricky situation housing wise so we decided to see how it went. Once I started working I paid around £400 per month, equating to around half the groceries and bills.

DP wants to move and sell the house. The mortgage has nearly been paid off. He is being gifted some £, so new house will effectively be paid for (once the current property sells.) there will be no mortgage. He has asked me to help out more financially, and mentioned a logder agreement, also asked me how much the rate is for private rent, which is around £700 in this area for a 1 bed flat, so he has given this figure + half bills and food as a rough idea for a contribution.

However I'm worried.. not sure if I should be? I just have a niggling feeling that if something should go wrong (either - he decides to split with me, Or he dies - he's 10 years older than myself). What happens to me. The house will go to any remaining family member or if there are none, to the government. He mentioned that if anything like that happened, worst case scenario is I could lodge elsewhere 😨 However he did say I'm on the will, I think this is for his pension only.

I just want to make it clear I'm not wanting to take any money from him, I'm not being greedy. I just want security for myself. I don't really care if I end up in a bed sit as long as it's secure, there's some sort of agreement in place or I own it with my own mortgage. It will be very tough to save for my own deposit if I'm contributing the rate of a rented 1 bed flat. I work compressed hours over 3 days (30 hours) I hate my current job and I'm looking for something else. Unfortunately due to a poor upbringing, and ongoing mental health issues I've not been able to have a 'career' I did try training as an OT but had to drop out after year 1, I was severely burned out and just couldn't manage. (I think I actually had a breakdown - I was prescribed AD's which made things worse).

He did say that getting a buy to let would be a good idea, I agree but I don't think I could deal with the complexities of this at the moment. I don't think I have enough for a deposit (I have approx 20k in savings).
Please be gentle 😅 he reads MN so will probably read this, I am only looking for opinions though. Thanks

Has he tried to break up with you before?

Yeah, this pretty much sums up how bad it is. Don't settle for this, OP. Or if you do, try to get your own property to get on the property ladder - and rent it out.

I used the term lodger agreement because OP had - on the basis she is sharing a room with him and the whole house I am assuming this was a mistake on her or her parters part, as it would be a tenancy agreement they’d need anyway.

That aside, I agree with what you say. She is best to move out. A friend of mine divorced, husband lost everything and left her with 2 boys at 40, by 43 she had a 3bed newbuild home with a shared ownership scheme and a tiny deposit.

OP you can do this. Leave him now. Continue seeing him if you wish, but move out and get your own place.

Assuming that you have no shared children I think he is just protecting his asset - the home that he will have fully paid for himself? I would certainly do the same as a woman in this situation, so keeping the home in his name only sounds fine. However, I would question why paying him rent is necessary. You’ve been together 9 years and the home will be mortgage free. In your situation I would not be agreeing to pay him rent! You will need that money set aside as YOUR security for the future ( it’s all you will have really). Alternatively, you could purchase the new house together and get a mortgage for your share, which you pay? A solicitor can sort out the legalities of it all so neither of you lose out financially if you separate.

His reaction to that speaks volumes.

I think you should be looking at houseshares because if you don't pay the money he wants you to in the new house, he will expect you to leave, putting you in a very vulnerable place in a few months' time if you don't have something lined up already.

Why should she have a stake in his house? Would you say the same to a man?. You would call him a Cockfosters. She can buy her own house.

@femfemlicious Generally if people together for a decade they have discussions on going about this. Stop being obtuse.

@popthepopcorns I've tried in the past to talk about how the situation makes me feel and it ends up in an argument, and nothing gets resolved. it's all come to a head now because he's decided to sell the house so we've got no choice but to talk about it. But last night we tried and it ended up with us having a big argument.

He's not her husband

Also he's not a c*nt, he's been caring her for years on end, subsidising her finances and having to be the one to counsel MH issues.

This sounds like a co-dependent situation where he's got issues of his own and been unable to initiate a breakup which has now come to a head. She's got some savings out of it and needs to stand on her own two feet.

@NamechangeForthisquestion1 Im out of this thread op, it’s infuriating how people are piling on you and not reading what you asked. If you want to pm me feel free. I had a similar situation when I was younger and very ill, I also lost my parents young.

Yeah she's going to get a lot of help off someone with serious anger issues isn't she.

I think you should be paying half the bills and food etc and maybe put the rest towards a buy to let if you possibly can or invest it in some way.

It sounds like you need to start thinking about parting ways - he wants you to pay more so he can keep more

He has subsidised her for 10 years which allowed her to save 20k. I see no reason why he has to pay for her for the rest of her life because they are in a relationship. They dont even have kids together and it's not like she is doing all the housework. I think he has been very fair.

Sorry to hear this @Gibafvk i think i will pm you if that's ok.

I thought cocklodger might come up but I have tried over the years to sort this situation out. I got a better paying job in the hope that I could be added to the mortgage. I also mask my mental health very well so he has never had to counsel me. unfortunately I made some comments during our argument about feeling down. Otherwise he wouldn't even know I was depressed.

@NamechangeForthisquestion1 where did you live before you met this prince?

I know it’s hard going back, but a reset to this unhappy arrangement is probably preferable to living with him for the rest of your life. You are only 40!! You’re not even halfway through your working life yet.

Your savings will help massively with a deposit for rented and maybe/possibly can afford a part ownership type property. Don’t write yourself off!!

If you do go into rented, you may be eligible for benefits if you are a low earner, but I think savings are considered. Check out the entitled to website.

Did you miss where she has no family, MH issues and low wages?

She needs empathy, and practical suggestions, not smugness and arrogance directed her way.

OP, just ignore the haters. I hope some of the suggestions here have been helpful to you.

@JimberlyJo I lived with my dad and stepmum in their box room that they used for storage.. while they pestered me to move out. (This was the 'tricky' housing situation I mentioned in my OP). I had no savings at all at the time and was saving for a rental deposit and month in advance. That's when I met DP

No I didn't miss it at all, would you like me to give you a long laundry list of things I've struggled with so you'll understand why I'm completely for standing on your own two feet and not expecting other people to come and rescue me.

Why are people 'haters'? because they're not saying 'oh what a horrible bastard he is'?

Sorry for sounding so pathetic and waffling on, this thread has been helpful. At least in getting me thinking about what to do. I can't stop contributing each month in case it rocks the boat. I think step one is getting MH help, even if it's another medication for now. But I need to stand on my own two feet and sort things out.

Well done, you can do it. You don't need him.

@NamechangeForthisquestion1

You need to get out.

Initially, I’d look at spareroom.com and find somewhere to live temporarily.

Going forward, I’d look to buy in a housing scheme since you have your deposit already.

Every time you mention him, you say it ended in an argument.

You've been together 10 years but no mention of marriage, whilst that’s not the be all and end all, intimacy should be part of it. Of which you have none.

You clearly aren’t a cocklodger otherwise where has all your pay gone?

You aren’t even allowed to do the housework.

I think you are stronger than you realise and if you moved away from him, I think you may find your MH makes a dramatic improvement.

You're only 40 and have a life time to live yet.

Until it does

I also mask my mental health very well so he has never had to counsel me. unfortunately I made some comments during our argument about feeling down. Otherwise he wouldn't even know I was depressed.

How would he not know you're depressed otherwise? is he unaware this is the reason for the lack of intimacy, the dropping out of training, the being prescribed antidepressants, the periods out of work, the waiting list for counselling ... all of which you've attributed to your poor mental health 🤔

You also state I always try to put my point across about how low I feel and that most days are a struggle.. but he doesn't understand it (he hasn't experienced it, so it's fine I don't expect him to understand) it's like we can't really have a proper conversation.

which implies it's been discussed on the more than one occasion?

And again I agree I think a BTL would be a bad idea, I don't think I could navigate this with my mental health. I did say this to him and he didn't really respond.

Whilst he may not have to counsel you for your poor mental health it does seem that you bring it up with him during arguments/discussions, could he feel that when you do this you're looking for him to make allowances for certain things or not contributing as much as he does etc? I get you may be saying it to try and get some kind of emotional support or acknowledgement from him but he could be feeling that you're weaponising it and that's why he doesn't respond?