New house in DP's name only. Confused about future housing situation

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I'm just looking for some advice/opinions. Me and DP are not married. However we have been together for 9 years (we live in England). When I moved in, my name was not put on the mortgage, this didn't matter because it wasn't my property, we were also 'dating' at the time and I moved in as I was in a tricky situation housing wise so we decided to see how it went. Once I started working I paid around £400 per month, equating to around half the groceries and bills.

DP wants to move and sell the house. The mortgage has nearly been paid off. He is being gifted some £, so new house will effectively be paid for (once the current property sells.) there will be no mortgage. He has asked me to help out more financially, and mentioned a logder agreement, also asked me how much the rate is for private rent, which is around £700 in this area for a 1 bed flat, so he has given this figure + half bills and food as a rough idea for a contribution.

However I'm worried.. not sure if I should be? I just have a niggling feeling that if something should go wrong (either - he decides to split with me, Or he dies - he's 10 years older than myself). What happens to me. The house will go to any remaining family member or if there are none, to the government. He mentioned that if anything like that happened, worst case scenario is I could lodge elsewhere 😨 However he did say I'm on the will, I think this is for his pension only.

I just want to make it clear I'm not wanting to take any money from him, I'm not being greedy. I just want security for myself. I don't really care if I end up in a bed sit as long as it's secure, there's some sort of agreement in place or I own it with my own mortgage. It will be very tough to save for my own deposit if I'm contributing the rate of a rented 1 bed flat. I work compressed hours over 3 days (30 hours) I hate my current job and I'm looking for something else. Unfortunately due to a poor upbringing, and ongoing mental health issues I've not been able to have a 'career' I did try training as an OT but had to drop out after year 1, I was severely burned out and just couldn't manage. (I think I actually had a breakdown - I was prescribed AD's which made things worse).

He did say that getting a buy to let would be a good idea, I agree but I don't think I could deal with the complexities of this at the moment. I don't think I have enough for a deposit (I have approx 20k in savings).
Please be gentle 😅 he reads MN so will probably read this, I am only looking for opinions though. Thanks

Let me get this straight - you're 40 and have been together 9years, so started dating at 31? He owns his home, and now wants to buy one outright, have zero mortgage, but charge you rent? Won't marry you, won't put you on the deeds. You don't mention any children.
You're set up sounds normal(ish) for an older relationship, where the couple have been previously married and have children so want to protect their assets for their dc, I can't see anything in your post that suggests that at all.
What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? He doesn't want to provide you with any form of security, doesn't want to support you, this isn't a partnership at all.
At 40 you still have plenty of yours ahead of you - you aren't even halfway to average life expectancy. Still another 27years before pensions. LOADS of time to set up and support yourself.

I agree with pp - he's a cunt. Get out before you loose any more years with him

You are an adult and are responsible your own housing and independence, sure in a normal partnership/partnership it is a joint thing but you are not in this, I would remain independent of him even if it means living alone

You would be better of married but looks like that won't be a good idea

I wouldn't mind buying some furniture and appliances on top of half of the bills and food - maybe I could put this to him. I honestly feel like I've bumbled along for a long time and this is a wake up call. A buy to let would be a good idea I suppose depending on if I can afford the initial costs. It would give me some security.
Housework wise, he generally takes control of it all. I don't mind doing this but I don't really get a look in, or I offer and he says he's doing it. sometimes I feel like a spare part.

So he's got a house that he's worked and paid for, and will pay the rest off with an inheritance, all fine, but rather than you continue to save for your own future he wants you to pay rent?! He wants to profit from you while he sits on a large nest egg! What on earth does he want to charge you rent for? Just because he can?! You aren't a lodger. Fair enough he wants to protect his asset and doesn't want to get married but to then make it impossible for you to save for your own asset and profit from you by charging you rent is pure cuntery.

by the way 40 is not too old for a mortgage and £20k is a decent deposit outside the south east. I would seriously consider buying a buy to let (assuming he drops this asinine rental plan) or if he continues to want to make money out of you I would buy yourself a little flat to live in. Arse.

I understand that he is putting his equity and extra money into the new house, and only wants his name on the deeds - I don't actually have problem with that in the circumstances (relationship shaky, intimacy problems due to mental health). Even the lodger agreement I don't really have a problem with.

However if you have no stake in that house, the priority should be for you to buy elsewhere. That should be plain to him, and instead of asking you for more money when he doesn't even have a mortgage to pay, he should be encouraging you to build equity elsewhere and invest in that. If he can't see that then he has no care for your future.

I'm dubious about the pension too. If it's a defined benefit or final salary pension you have to married in order to receive his pension benefits when he dies.
Basically you're up shit creek if he decides to end the relationship or if he dies before you.
Time to have a re think and look after yourself.

So he's getting a lodger with sex benefits?

I really hear your back story, it's very similar to mine, uni drop out included. Your nervous system can't take a lot of stress and even worse unpredictability and uncertainty.

With that in mind, I am wondering if you're a bit vulnerable in terms of this 'partner' of yours. It feels like he's taking advantage thinking you won't demand more. I would be requesting an agreement where you get a certain amount of the house in the event of death. But unfortunately I'm not sure he'll agree. If he doesn't, I'm afraid I'd start looking out for yourself, because frankly he's getting his cake and eating it and...where is the love? No provision for you at all? Call me old fashioned but I don't believe in dating men who don't relieve you of some burden. Has he ever suggested marriage?

I'm sorry you're in this position. But at least you have some savings.

@DysonSphere I'm always beating myself up about my savings.. it's not much in the grand scheme of things but I don't spend anything on myself and haven't for years. I put everything I have into savings. But I'm 40 and feel like I should have more? I honestly feel like a loser in life. It's so hard to get mental health support at the moment. I need some help to give me a push and get me out of the rut I'm in.

By a touchy subject do you mean you’ve wanted to marry him and he’s always refused?

He has nothing to gain from marriage which I’m sure he’s very aware of. Are you happy? Do you love him? Is the lack of intimacy a problem for one or both of you? Is he supportive of your depression and do you both feel you’re managing it as well as you can?

It doesn’t sound good or like it’ll go the distance and you seem to feel powerless. I wonder how he feels.

I would definitely be investing something yourself. Ask your partner to help you structure a buy to let investment or see if you can save the ‘rent’ but continue to split bills.

He’s clearly protecting his interests and you need to protect yours.

This is a very precarious situation op your right to worry. I’d go and rent a flat. Why do you have to pay full rent if he has no mortgage? I agree with half bills. What’s the situation with house improvements etc? What have you both agreed on for the future? It sounds a bit one foot in one foot out.

I'd like to agree with all previous posters who advise that this leaves you in a very vulnerable position

Imagine the scenario of you getting to 65 and he suddenly decides he wants you to leave. That £20k in savings isn't going to get you very far. Do you have a good pension to help you live in your retirement?

Split bills by all means but you need to be saving that £700 "rent" for yourself and your future

When we try to talk it ends up in an argument. I always try to put my point across about how low I feel and that most days are a struggle.. but he doesn't understand it (he hasn't experienced it, so it's fine I don't expect him to understand) it's like we can't really have a proper conversation.
I tried several AD's and they always make me worse. I was harassed at work a few years ago and it triggered something, I have felt much worse since then. I'm on a waiting list for counselling. I could probably pay for some but it's a question of finding the right counsellor.

Do not spend any money on his home. Furniture etc nothing!

Do everything you can to secure a mortgage for your own property, rent it out, whatever, but do not be beholden to this man for a roof over your head.

Hold onto your savings.

Don't worry OP you've got more than most in savings but you need to keep hold of that and make it work for you

Yes, yes you are.

When he asked if I could contribute more in the new property, I did say no and that I'd prefer to continue to contribute the same amount as I do now. But it turned into a huge argument. I sometimes wish I had a parent or someone I could offload to...

I would only agree to this if he gives you £10k and you put it into an account and don't touch it - as it will give you the money to do a rental for up to 12 months should anything go wrong. Otherwise you have absolutely zero security and he could boot you out any point. Please don't think it can't happen- if he can't see why you want this then he is not the man for you- otherwise I would say you are paying half the bills and food only as you need to build savings as you aren't married and have no security

What kind of person is he? What kind of partner? This doesn't sound like a partnership at all, you sound like his sex lodger 🥺
You deserve better than this.

Why cant you get married

He has got a lodger with benefits then?

Op your despair really comes through, you need to be strong and leave him. Yes fair enough it’s his house and he doesn’t want to get married. He’s entitled to his decision yes. But please make this decision to leave, this doesn’t sound like it has a future. I bet your mood will improve if you leave. I know it will be hard op but you may as well live in your own place and know where you stand!! You sound so ground down!

I met my husband and he had a loew earning job and no money. I am a high earner and had a good bit of money. I supported him and he retrained and earns a good salary now and we married.

If you love somebody, you love them for who they are, not what they have ... that's the sole reason to marry.

Honestly it sounds like you'd be happier off without him in your life causing arguments and grief when you try to make plans to protect yourself.

So for the last 9 years you've only been paying £400 a month for everything? Am assuming you have considerable savings?