New house in DP's name only. Confused about future housing situation

[NamechangeForthisquestion1]

I'm just looking for some advice/opinions. Me and DP are not married. However we have been together for 9 years (we live in England). When I moved in, my name was not put on the mortgage, this didn't matter because it wasn't my property, we were also 'dating' at the time and I moved in as I was in a tricky situation housing wise so we decided to see how it went. Once I started working I paid around £400 per month, equating to around half the groceries and bills.

DP wants to move and sell the house. The mortgage has nearly been paid off. He is being gifted some £, so new house will effectively be paid for (once the current property sells.) there will be no mortgage. He has asked me to help out more financially, and mentioned a logder agreement, also asked me how much the rate is for private rent, which is around £700 in this area for a 1 bed flat, so he has given this figure + half bills and food as a rough idea for a contribution.

However I'm worried.. not sure if I should be? I just have a niggling feeling that if something should go wrong (either - he decides to split with me, Or he dies - he's 10 years older than myself). What happens to me. The house will go to any remaining family member or if there are none, to the government. He mentioned that if anything like that happened, worst case scenario is I could lodge elsewhere 😨 However he did say I'm on the will, I think this is for his pension only.

I just want to make it clear I'm not wanting to take any money from him, I'm not being greedy. I just want security for myself. I don't really care if I end up in a bed sit as long as it's secure, there's some sort of agreement in place or I own it with my own mortgage. It will be very tough to save for my own deposit if I'm contributing the rate of a rented 1 bed flat. I work compressed hours over 3 days (30 hours) I hate my current job and I'm looking for something else. Unfortunately due to a poor upbringing, and ongoing mental health issues I've not been able to have a 'career' I did try training as an OT but had to drop out after year 1, I was severely burned out and just couldn't manage. (I think I actually had a breakdown - I was prescribed AD's which made things worse).

He did say that getting a buy to let would be a good idea, I agree but I don't think I could deal with the complexities of this at the moment. I don't think I have enough for a deposit (I have approx 20k in savings).
Please be gentle 😅 he reads MN so will probably read this, I am only looking for opinions though. Thanks

Seeing as there is no mortgage, I would be doing either of the following:

contributing to half of all bills/groceries

or

just taking your £700 a month and renting your own wee flat.

there are agencies that exist to help you. It cannot hurt to talk with people at Shelter, Womens Aid and the like. Even if they do not have direct access to programs specifically for you, they have seen myriad scenarios and can perhaps point you in the direction of assistance. Not only for housing but perhaps job counseling, low-cost financial/legal planning, etc

I haven't read all posts but I agree with the above.

@NamechangeForthisquestion1 - I think this relationship is dead in the water. There is little love, no intimacy, no attempt to understand your MH issues - instead there is shouting and intimidation. Now he wants to make money from you by charging you above market rent plus bills and food. He isn't a true life partner, and he doesn't have your back. The promises relating to will and pension are vague and easily revoked, so you risk being left penniless.

I think you should prepare for a life on your own. Start with your mental health, then work on your professional development, and focus on inependent living. Start putting every spare penny in your LISA or an ISA, e.g. S&S based Vanguard funds. (Don't get a BTL - letting properties has become too complicated and isn't as profitable as it used to be.)

You're only 40 - you are still young!! Don't let this man mess you around.

Get rid of this man. That’s awful he wants to charge you rent for a property with no mortgage, made even worse by the fact you are a low earner, and he is a high earner. He’s trying to make himself some money off of you. If you were to split you’d get none of this back.

What about getting yourself your own mortgage for a place? Worth looking in to even if you think it wouldn’t be possible. 40 isn’t too old for getting a mortgage- still can get a 20 year term .

Need to be careful with buy to let. Lots of landlords are giving up because of new laws and regs and taxes etc . Tenants can be a nightmare and destructive..don’t ask how I know. It’s very hard to get rid of bad tenants. So I’d research that very carefully.

Sorry if this has been mentioned before but have you thought that you might be neurodiverse? I can see so much of my daughter in how you express yourself. And also how you don't seem to be able to advocate for yourself, and have low confidence and struggles with anxiety and depression.

How can he charge you the going rate for a 1 bed flat when you are sharing it with him? If you were paying that elsewhere you would have a whole flat to yourself!

Marriage should not have anything to do with higher/lower pay and inheritance- it's about wanting to spend your life with someone!

I think I would rent my own place and at least you know where you stand

I’m all for people paying their way and things being fair but I think you should leave him too. I can understand him wanting to protect what’s his but the money you’ve been paying could have gone towards you owning a small share of the house if he wanted a partnership. The not letting you do housework etc as well, all just sounds like he’s controlling and keeping you in your place. You need a break from him and to see you can do it on your own then you’ll wonder why you were ever with him in the first place.

Sounds to me like youre selling your siul and getting nothing in return. What exactly are YOU getting from this arrangement???????????? HES treating you like a lodger( probably with benefits too). You say you want to secure yourself financially but truth is IT ALL BELONGS To HIM . You are enabling him to prosper financially !!!!!!!!!! Having a Lodger is a pain in the neck by if youve got a mate ( you) tagging along then he can jeep changing the terms to suit as needs be . He can evict you anytime. A Lodger agreement would give you ONE MONTH NOTICE to sling your hook. STOP PAYING HIS BILLS NOW!!!!! Save gor your own nice apartment. Spell it out that youre conserving funds for your own future security when he asks for more funds. You could be renting a room for £100 per week and save much more than you are now, youre being rinsed.

Honestly this sounds like he is trying to end the relationship, but with out asking in as many words for you to leave. From what you have said you are room mates not partners and while I can see you are hurt by this and worried I think you need to sit and have a conversation with him. Not about the house but about the relationship. After 9 years you really should be at a point where equally contributing to a property shouldn't be unreasonable, but as a couple not as a lodger. He is not unreasonable to ask you to pay a bit more, £400 a month would be a way off half of the bills in the current climate even with just the 2 of you, and it sounds like you refusing has probaby been the final straw - and i do not get the feeling he is a complete monster in all this. I understand you are afraid of being alone and your MH but this current situation doesn't sound healthy for either of you.

Exactly this. If he loved you and viewed you as an equal partner, he would never ask you to act like a lodger. Especially after 9 years! If you'd been together 6 months, then maybe I'd see his point. But 9 years! He's being very unfair to you. If you break up you'll come away with nothing, even you could have had your own mortgage all those years.

Yes!

Tell him you are moving out, and be ready to do so- unless, you either pay towards ownership of a part of the property (no matter how tiny, 5%, whatever, its the principle), or marriage. If those options are not on the cards, tell him you see no point cohabiting; at least as a private tenant you'd have rights. As it stands, if he chose to accuse you of trespass or squatting one day, what have you got in ways of protection? At the barest minimum, you need a tenancy agreement reviewed by a lawyer.

See if that puts a fire under his ass one way or the other.

Absolutely.
But he is not even her husband, just a greedy, manipulative landlord.
OP be thankful for this and run as soon as you can. You are still very young!

He doesn't see you as any sort of partner. Walk away.

I don't think I've ever seen a thread that's made me feel so sad, OP it sounds like you've ended up with someone really awful after an already bad start in life. I've not read a lot of the replies but it looks like you've had a fair amount of negativity. Just wanted to add to the people saying I don't think this is you at all. Sure it's not unreasonable for your 'dp' to ask for some sort of rent, but certainly not equivalent to what you'd be paying for a 1 bed elsewhere. And the idea he would will be willing to take that much when he so clearly doesn't need the money is a bit shocking really.. You do have a decent amount of money saved, and I got my house using shared ownership and it has worked out really well for me. Here if you ever need someone to message

https://www.stephensons.co.uk/site/blog/consumer-law-blog/registering_your_interest_in_a_property

https://www.gov.uk/registering-land-or-property-with-land-registry/register-for-the-first-time

I would move into my own rental property & make plans without him. He is using you to fund his lifestyle & build his own property portfolio.

Why are you paying him rent if the house is paid off?
go and live by yourself as you sound like you are alone anyway
he wants you to pay £1000 a month for what exactly?

This.
You will have no security as a lodger (whatever any agreement says) and he'll be getting richer while you can't save as much and own no property.

I think a good idea would be to go to a solicitor and outline what you have said here, I agree you need security, it sounds a bit shaky to say the least, I think you need sound legal advice on where you stand, would you be considered his common law wife as you have lived together so long, I dont know, but I definitely would not let this go any farther, you need peace of mind and being worried like this is not helping!

There's no such thing as a common law wife 🙈

OP your plan to break it down in chunks and take action is a good one. Medication also is good - that is what it is for. It’s your first step to self care and stop being a passenger in your own life. Your partner does not sound happy either but neither of you can see each others view. It doesn’t sound like he wants to be in the relationship with you and has plainly told you his plans. There is little love described in your post (to you/for him and most importantly for yourself) Depressions is a selfish illness- it just is. Your self awareness for needing help is a positive- make getting in touch with your gp the first task and the second task set up a standing order for your LISA even if it’s £20. You are worth making a better life for yourself.

I don't think this is a relationship tbh. If you would like security for the future. Tell him that you'll put your savings into the house purchase and that any money you pay to him will be going towards the property as well and have it drawn up legally so that you also get something out of it rather than him having someone live in to fund his retirement 😏 it's the only fair way. Also Partner if you are reading this, think you need to take a.long hard look at how you are treating this woman who you apparently love and care for.

OP, you're young enough to be my daughter.

I was once an EO in the civil service. It's a decent enough job, and pretty secure.

You need help.

Whatever you can get for mental health care - see your GP and take it.

You also need legal and financial advice. You'll get opinions here but you don't know how valid they are.

Start with the Citizens Advice Bureau.

From everything you've said I honestly think you'd be better off in a little place of your own.

This set up is odd, he seems odd, having picked up a much younger woman threatened with homelessness by her own father and refusing any form of security - and I think you're right to be concerned.

No they aren’t. He’s vile.

leave. Use the rental money he wants to charge you to rent from someone else and move on with your life.

'Common law wife' is a mythical term and I don't know why people still use it.

It's nonsense.

It used to be a 'acceptable' euphemism for couples co-habiting when it was considered 'living in sin' about 50 years and more ago.