New house in DP's name only. Confused about future housing situation

[NamechangeForthisquestion1]

I'm just looking for some advice/opinions. Me and DP are not married. However we have been together for 9 years (we live in England). When I moved in, my name was not put on the mortgage, this didn't matter because it wasn't my property, we were also 'dating' at the time and I moved in as I was in a tricky situation housing wise so we decided to see how it went. Once I started working I paid around £400 per month, equating to around half the groceries and bills.

DP wants to move and sell the house. The mortgage has nearly been paid off. He is being gifted some £, so new house will effectively be paid for (once the current property sells.) there will be no mortgage. He has asked me to help out more financially, and mentioned a logder agreement, also asked me how much the rate is for private rent, which is around £700 in this area for a 1 bed flat, so he has given this figure + half bills and food as a rough idea for a contribution.

However I'm worried.. not sure if I should be? I just have a niggling feeling that if something should go wrong (either - he decides to split with me, Or he dies - he's 10 years older than myself). What happens to me. The house will go to any remaining family member or if there are none, to the government. He mentioned that if anything like that happened, worst case scenario is I could lodge elsewhere 😨 However he did say I'm on the will, I think this is for his pension only.

I just want to make it clear I'm not wanting to take any money from him, I'm not being greedy. I just want security for myself. I don't really care if I end up in a bed sit as long as it's secure, there's some sort of agreement in place or I own it with my own mortgage. It will be very tough to save for my own deposit if I'm contributing the rate of a rented 1 bed flat. I work compressed hours over 3 days (30 hours) I hate my current job and I'm looking for something else. Unfortunately due to a poor upbringing, and ongoing mental health issues I've not been able to have a 'career' I did try training as an OT but had to drop out after year 1, I was severely burned out and just couldn't manage. (I think I actually had a breakdown - I was prescribed AD's which made things worse).

He did say that getting a buy to let would be a good idea, I agree but I don't think I could deal with the complexities of this at the moment. I don't think I have enough for a deposit (I have approx 20k in savings).
Please be gentle 😅 he reads MN so will probably read this, I am only looking for opinions though. Thanks

I don't think anyone is suggesting you're the equivalent of a cocklodger OP, you're clearly doing your best and have a lot of struggles. I think it was raised in response to some really full on posters trying to convince you what a cunt he's been.

Clearly, something has changed and he's now giving you strong signals that he's not happy for the current arrangement to continue. Posters have been 100% correct in advising you to secure your future on your own.

Up until this point though, he's been pretty good to you and you've had it pretty easy. He took you in when you needed help, and you were still only dating. For 9 years you've paid very little for accommodation, been able to work part time, done hardly any housework. He created opportunities for you to get ahead in life and build your own wealth, 'catch up' to him in some ways... unfortunately you haven't been well enough to take advantage to the full but you can't criticise him for giving you that chance. You do still have a very nice nest egg out of it.

After 10 years, nothing has improved from his point of view. The sex has dried up. He's perhaps unaware of what's holding you back, because you haven't been fully open about it, so he's made his own assumptions. He's 50, possibly thinking about increasing his passive income so he can wind down a bit and think about retirement.

I really don't think it's unreasonable for him to be a bit fed up, and pushing for change. I don't think either of you have acted badly or should feel bad.

My OH got a mortgage at 52 last year. Banks understand that people will be working longer, and have to find necessary ways to fund housing.

The lodger agreement is purely in his benefit not yours. That's because he doesn't want to to gain any beneficial interest in the house. Lodger agreements are intended for when the 'lodger' shares a bed with the landlord.

I understand he wants to protect his investment, but you could have a deed of trust or similar. Right now he's being a knob. AND taking advantage of you by suggesting you pay full equivalent rent.

This isn't a partner - he doesn't view you as someone he loves, he views you as a cash cow. You have helped him pay off his mortgage, and now he wants more money from you, when his housings costs will be zero?? Who would do that to someone they love?

With the amount you would be paying in rent to him, you could move to a 3 bed house out in the wilds of Wales and be paying less rent - and as a low earner, there's nothing to keep you where you are because there are low-paying jobs all over the country.

If you do have a nest-egg, you could look to places you could buy - in an area you really do want to live. I bought in my mid-50s, with a 25 year mortgage, so it is certainly possible at 40.

You may find that with a slower pace of life, and losing the dead-weight argumentative uncompromising partner, your mental health may improve.

40 is so young to feel old! But when someone is faking a relationship and bleeding you dry of what little money you have, no wonder you feel that you are. I know you feel you can't cope alone, but never underestimate the energetic toll of being in an unloving relationship. You may feel totally different to how you think you will.

@NamechangeForthisquestion1 You are both emotionally vulnerable & in a vulnerable position. You have close to no housing security.

I suggest that you contact an independent support agency such as Womens Aid, MIND or Shelter to find out what your rights are should you split up. You may find that they see your relationship in a different light.

As important is your planning for the future taking into account your MH issues. It seems that you do not have - at the moment - the capacity or stamina to undertake work enough to support a market rent or contribution to mortgage.

So I suggest that you look into a shared ownership scheme, where you might use your £20k savings as a deposit & pay rent at social housing rate.

Me, I think that vulnerable with MH needs, possibly open to financial abuse & should be on a wait list for social housing to give you a more secure tenancy.

Please approach any of the agencies I suggested (MIND, WomensAid) to get some support & maybe refer yourself to a social worker through your GP.

This will take some time BUT you are working towards sustainable affordable housing security.

bleeding you dry of what little money you have

He's been significantly subsidising her for nine years. She's got 20k in savings!

I think @TheYearOfSmallThings has summed the situation up quite well here.

Op l am not really sure from your posts whether you would prefer to live independently of your partner or not. I get that leaving would be a big step & would be difficult emotionally & practically BUT it would be possible if you decide that’s what you would like to do.

If I were you I would take my time to think about how I would really like to live for the next 40+ years, and then consider what options I had to try and make that happen (renting my own place / shared ownership / staying put and investing my savings for my retirement / buy to let etc).

I definately would not increase my monthly contributions to my partner in these circumstances. It seems really unfair to ask you to contribute more to the detriment of your financial security purely for your partners benefit. If that turned out to be a deal breaker, well at least you know where you stand and you can move forward from there.

Wishing you lots of luck. One day at a time if you are feeling overwhelmed x

It sounds like getting support for your mental heath is the next step, so you are better able to cope with whatever comes along.

Can you get employee support through work and your union? Or pay privately and get started. You can still stay on the waiting list you are on.

Also find out where you could live as a lodger, in a flat share or on your own, what it would cost and would you he entitled to housing benefit / universal credit if you are on a low income.

These two things are in your control and you can action this week to make yourself less vulnerable.

The agreement with your partner (if you go down that road) is a cohabitation agreement.

Re a BTL - I don’t think this will work for you as you’d need a 25% deposit and you would pay income tax on the rent , so you could be making a loss. Also you need to manage it and comply with the many legal requirements for landlords.

I think you should investigate buying your own place and living there. There’s been good information upthread about shared ownership, also if you could buy a 2 bed you could get your own lodger.

if you can’t afford to buy right now I’d get a house share, that way you will have your own room and security of tenure . You don’t have either of these right now.

There’s nothing to stop you still dating your DP if you still want to . But I’m not sure he’s helping your mental health TBH.

Then id work on your mental health and self esteem, and try to transfer to a full time position in the civil service. Then you can work towards promotion.

DONT sign ANYTHING with your “ DP” without getting YOUR OWN legal advice. That means a lawyer who works for you that you see alone and you pay them. Not his lawyer .

You can’t sign a lodger agreement anyway as you are not currently a lodger you are a cohabitee. lodgers have their own room and share common spaces with the landlord. It’s an important legal definition as it affects your rights and your landlords rights .

If your “ DP” wants you to sign a cohabitation agreement, again you need your own legal advice.

Don’t pay any more than half the bills, as you are doing now. I assume by bills you mean Council tax and utilties, Wi-Fi, TV license and half the food bill. Make sure you see the bills or the acount they come from.

Don't pay anything towards repairs and maintenance, decorating , furniture, building insurance , ground rent, building management costs .

I wouldn't even charge a friend anywhere near that if I was living in a house mortgage free, never mind a partner. In my opinion it should just be a 50/50 split of bills unless you are added to the deeds of the house or are earning a lot more than him.

You should pay half the food and bills so I don't think you have any claim to the house you live in now for just doing that.

That said I absoloutly wouldn't pay 'rent' to my partner to live in his paid off house. You're a couple not a business.

If the house still had a mortgage it would be ok to put your name on the house and pay into the mortgage etc... so you joint own or if you rent you could put your name on the tenancy etc... but to 'rent' a place in your partners owned house (what are you even renting? the spot next to him in bed?) that you have no claim in and thats costing them nothing, nope weird.

Also I live in a decent sized 3 bed house and don't pay that much rent to the landlord and I don't have to live with the landlord. £700 is insane money.

Has he? She's been paying half food and bills. She has no financial claim over the house.
He's financially better off with her there as he's paying half food and bills. Yes, bills and food would be cheaper if he lived alone, but not half the cost.

He could be making more money, by renting a spare room etc. But that doesn't mean he's subsidising her.

Yes, she's benefitting financially from this arrangement too. So what? I'm better off financially living with my husband, he's better off financially living with me. It's how it works in a couple.

Shared ownership is not good economics.
You end up paying a deposit and also renting. The two combined are more than a mortgage in the long term.

Buy to let is not a good idea. The new government are going to tighten up on all rules for tenants, in their favour. BTL mortgage rates are higher than other mortgages. It also involves all the hassle of being a landlord which the OP hardly needs with her MH issues.

Someone upthread said she could get a mortgage to age 67 ( state retirement age.)
You can actually get a mortgage beyond that.

I live in a very expensive area but for £200K you could buy a 1-bed flat on a 30 year mortgage with 10% deposit.

The other thing OP is that if all this is too big and scary to contemplate right now, you do have the option of moving with him, even if that means you won't have much spare at the end of each month.

I'm just throwing it out there as there's a lot for you to take in and even if it's a temporary solution for a few months it's not the end of the world. I suppose the only good thing about his announcement is he has made it clear that you're both financially independent, so if you did move on then moved out shortly after, well it's up to you.

Definitely go to your doctor if you feel you need medication and support to help you through.

@ChandlersMum exactly- these threads must make SAHMs or people who can't work lots of hours for all kinds of reasons feel that they have little value because they aren't bringing hard wonga to the table

Absolutely DO NOT let this man rip you off by charging you full market rent for a one bed flat, when he’s expecting you to share his bed, and not have the legal protection tenants get. He’s taking the absolute piss to suggest that. I’d suggest you look at a house share or a small place of your own until you can get a mortgage. I know you’re scared of being alone, but you don’t have to split up with him. I really think you need to focus on your needs and building your own life independently of him.

Im sorry you’ve had such a rough hand in life, I think you’ll feel a lot better when you have a little more control.

You're a companion and you so the housework. There doesn't seem to be anything else to the relationship.

Why Chuck away £700 a month just to give to him for his retirement etc?

Get your own place where YOU can call the shots.

If you're not married you won't be entitled to any of it in the event of a split. This happened to SIL who had been with her partner for 15 years. She'd paid him rent/bills for years, they split and he was left sitting pretty in the house as it was in his name only. She was left with nothing and has to rent because she can't afford a mortgage on her own approaching 50.

My mum got a mortgage at 75!

Fair enough, it wasn’t a huge sum, but as long as you can afford the repayments, it’s doable. You are only 40!! Most people can’t afford to buy houses til mid 30’s these days. You have a decent sum saved. See what’s out there for you.

OP wasn't working when she first moved in, she only started contributing once she started work. She's had time out for retraining, plus in and out of work due to her mental health and I'm presuming he supported her through this.

Despite all that she's still managed to save 20k.

Bleeding her dry of what "little money" she has, don't be daft. She's hardly on the bones of her arse here.

When you say you argue about it when the subject comes up, what are his arguments? What reasons does he give for charging you market rent?

Is it about the fact that you have the £20K savings? His assets are obviously worth considerably more.

@NamechangeForthisquestion1

You sound like you need a friend.

You sound so hard on yourself but look what you've been through.

You are only 40. You don't have to have everything worked out. It's ok just to stay in your current job.

Life can change in an instant. People here ( me included) will try and help and support you.

Yeah, nah. You’re being screwed. DP and I are in the same position except I own the house. He doesn’t pay rent – just half the bills and food. I don’t see how it’s fair for him to contribute to my mortgage without getting to own any of the asset. Once we get married we’ll ring-fence the portion of the house that I already own, start splitting the mortgage and he’ll own half of the equity we build up from that point in time. In your case it’s fine if your DP wants to protect his asset but then he should be allowing you to build up your own deposit to be able to afford an asset of your own.

A one bed flat is not the same price as a room in a house…and I am guessing you and him are sharing a bedroom so even less. It seems you have not been paying rent up until now…so if just a mortgage is being paid off..why now? I mean you are sharing a room…he won’t have additional expenses - sorry but it does sound like he is not thinking of you being together long term.

Wasn't actually me that said about bleeding her dry.

They're a couple. Should he have made her homeless due to health issues? Sorry love, I know I love you but unless you're contributing half financially you can fuck off.

He's been wise financially not letting her contribute towards the mortgage. And he's financially benefitted from her living there. None of us know his motivation behind asking her for £700/month rent on top of half bills. But it does not seem like a reasonable request.