New house in DP's name only. Confused about future housing situation

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I'm just looking for some advice/opinions. Me and DP are not married. However we have been together for 9 years (we live in England). When I moved in, my name was not put on the mortgage, this didn't matter because it wasn't my property, we were also 'dating' at the time and I moved in as I was in a tricky situation housing wise so we decided to see how it went. Once I started working I paid around £400 per month, equating to around half the groceries and bills.

DP wants to move and sell the house. The mortgage has nearly been paid off. He is being gifted some £, so new house will effectively be paid for (once the current property sells.) there will be no mortgage. He has asked me to help out more financially, and mentioned a logder agreement, also asked me how much the rate is for private rent, which is around £700 in this area for a 1 bed flat, so he has given this figure + half bills and food as a rough idea for a contribution.

However I'm worried.. not sure if I should be? I just have a niggling feeling that if something should go wrong (either - he decides to split with me, Or he dies - he's 10 years older than myself). What happens to me. The house will go to any remaining family member or if there are none, to the government. He mentioned that if anything like that happened, worst case scenario is I could lodge elsewhere 😨 However he did say I'm on the will, I think this is for his pension only.

I just want to make it clear I'm not wanting to take any money from him, I'm not being greedy. I just want security for myself. I don't really care if I end up in a bed sit as long as it's secure, there's some sort of agreement in place or I own it with my own mortgage. It will be very tough to save for my own deposit if I'm contributing the rate of a rented 1 bed flat. I work compressed hours over 3 days (30 hours) I hate my current job and I'm looking for something else. Unfortunately due to a poor upbringing, and ongoing mental health issues I've not been able to have a 'career' I did try training as an OT but had to drop out after year 1, I was severely burned out and just couldn't manage. (I think I actually had a breakdown - I was prescribed AD's which made things worse).

He did say that getting a buy to let would be a good idea, I agree but I don't think I could deal with the complexities of this at the moment. I don't think I have enough for a deposit (I have approx 20k in savings).
Please be gentle 😅 he reads MN so will probably read this, I am only looking for opinions though. Thanks

It doesn’t sound like any sort of partnership. Do you feel it is?

Husband, if you're reading this, you're a cunt.

I'd be really unhappy about this. he has no housing costs, outside bills and maintenance but wants to charge you market rate for a one bed. I'd be happy to pay half the bills and a small contribution for repairs etc. but not rent which he will have to improve his asset leaving you with nothing. That way you could save £500 a month and consider your options for securing your long term future.

It used to be a partnership, now I'm not sure what it is. We go on holidays and weekends away together. Unfortunately due to my depression intimacy has been difficult for the last few years.

So you aren't married and he wants you to have a lodger agreement? Not much of a loving partnership is it?

I'm 40 and not sure how feasible it would be for me to get a mortgage now? I've had periods out of work due to my mental health, although thankfully not recently. But this really worries me - not being able to pay the mortgage for a period. I suppose it's a risk we have to take though.

He already owned the house and he is putting his money into the new one. You've been living very cheaply for 9 years. If you want to be a part owner why don't you offer to put your savings into the new house purchase. Then have an agreement drawn up stating percentages you both own. He might not want to go down this route though.

You're not married (do you have DC with him?) So you can't expect to be an equal owner in this property transaction.

Pensions do not automatically form part of your estate.... so he can say you are in my will for the pension but UNLESS he has made you a beneficary in his pension and written a will to this effect that might not be the case.

Also the minute he takes his pension - ie possibly sells it as an annuity it then is yet another ball game as the pension company no longer have the pension and its regarded more like an insurance.

Please do not let him fob you off that you 'get his pension' what if he lives to 100?

I can understand your dilemma, and also his to some extent but I think it raises huge questions about his commitment to you, are you his partner or a potential lodger with benefits?

What I don’t understand is why he would want you to pay rent when the mortgage is paid off? Yes of course you would pay half of all living expenses, and possibly contribute to household upkeep like decoration, renewing white goods etc, but paying rent for no reason seems a strange thing to ask a long term partner to do, especially since it seems he would rather leave the house to the government or a distant relative rather than you.

So he's losing the mortgage but wants you to pay more? And says this knowing that your finances are vulnerable and that you don't really have other options? I'm not sure it's a strong relationship. You might be better off on your own where at least you'd know the score, but if you're fond of him I'd sit down and talk it through with him and point out the issues as you have here, and hopefully come up with a plan to allow you to save for your old age!

I'm not sure he wants to go down that route. We have no DC. Just trying to work out what the best course of action is. I could just keep doing what I'm doing, and saving the worst case scenario. I just worry about the current state of the rental market. I think I'd at least want some kind of agreement with a notice period. I don't know..

You are in an unsecure housing situation, you are right to be worried about this.

If he is not going to put your name on the deeds, even just in terms of a lifetime interest (i.e. you get to live there after he dies for the rest of your life, but you do not own the property). Then you need to make provisions for yourself. You need to get your ducks in a row, not in terms to leave him, but to secure yourself.

It wouldn't be so bad if he was her husband, but they aren't married. The rest of your post I absolutely agree with.

OP, is there any chance of getting married in the near future? Doesn't sound like it, but that would give you a stake in the house.

Or if you have to pay market rent as a lodger, best do so in the home of a stranger. This will probably be less awkward and will give you the freedom to find somebody better to date and eventually buy a house with.

Are you likely to get married? That's your safest way to some level of security

It sounds like you've just kind of drifted into living together due to your circumstances.

It also sounds like he's been pissed off with the situation for a while and is using the move to change things to, what he feels, is fairer.

Might be time for the pair of you to get some legal advice so neither of you get financially screwed by the other.

@AgreeableDragon I don't know. The marriage thing has always been a touchy subject. I think it's because ultimately I'm quite a low earner and always will be, I have no family and no inheritance to come. He is a higher earner and inheritance to come. So things aren't equal

Ye gods. Run a mile!

My DP and I (before we got married) lived together in a flat I owned without mortgage. I didn’t charge him rent but he contributed 50% of the bills and household expenses. I wouldn’t have found it reasonable to charge him rent, but equally I saw no reason to put my flat in both of our names since it was 100% financed by myself. I think you could either contribute to bills and costs and stay living in his property, or you both invest into a joint property. A lodger agreement sounds a bit transactional.

This is concerning. I married to a man who wouldn't share anything with me and I felt like a lodger and unpaid housekeeper. My current husband is a higher earner than me and will probably have a sizeable inheritance. I am a low earner and will have no inheritance. He married me and shares his money with me because he loves me. I would be concerned in your position and encourage you to leave this man who seems to only be using you for money. You deserve so much better.

So he's looking to make money off of you, effectively? I don't think this is a good relationship or situation for you.

No intimacy, no stake in the house, no inheritance, no marriage prospects... even as a low earner with MH problems, I'm sensing that you could do better than this relationship, or whatever's left of it.

Maybe get your new job sorted first, then find a house share close by. The fact that you can relocate anywhere in the country is a huge advantage.

Are you choosing the house together? Do you get a say?

I would buy jointly and use your savings. You could get a small mortgage and jointly contribute which might enable you to look at more expensive properties.

More importantly, do you love each other and make one another happy? Do you think intimacy will be restored? Do you want to be with him long term or can you do better?

In also concerned that marriage is a touchy subject because of your earning differences! Sounds as if this relationship is very one sided.

I think it should be half bills (or proportion due to earnings) and money towards new purchases and repairs. It's not fair him treating you like a lodger. Do you do a lot of the housework too?

If he wants you to pay the going rate for a 1 bed flat plus half of everything else then you may as well go off and actually rent a 1 bed. At least then you'll have the security of a tenancy. He wants you to be a lodger but pay out as if you're a tenant.

I'd suggest to him that you continue to pay half of bills but you save for a deposit on a buy to let - it'll be security for you and eventually provide a small extra income. Then buy a small house or flat when you can and rent it out. At least crunch the numbers on the possibilities for this in your area and maybe see a mortgage advisor to see if it is possible.