New house in DP's name only. Confused about future housing situation

[NamechangeForthisquestion1]

I'm just looking for some advice/opinions. Me and DP are not married. However we have been together for 9 years (we live in England). When I moved in, my name was not put on the mortgage, this didn't matter because it wasn't my property, we were also 'dating' at the time and I moved in as I was in a tricky situation housing wise so we decided to see how it went. Once I started working I paid around £400 per month, equating to around half the groceries and bills.

DP wants to move and sell the house. The mortgage has nearly been paid off. He is being gifted some £, so new house will effectively be paid for (once the current property sells.) there will be no mortgage. He has asked me to help out more financially, and mentioned a logder agreement, also asked me how much the rate is for private rent, which is around £700 in this area for a 1 bed flat, so he has given this figure + half bills and food as a rough idea for a contribution.

However I'm worried.. not sure if I should be? I just have a niggling feeling that if something should go wrong (either - he decides to split with me, Or he dies - he's 10 years older than myself). What happens to me. The house will go to any remaining family member or if there are none, to the government. He mentioned that if anything like that happened, worst case scenario is I could lodge elsewhere 😨 However he did say I'm on the will, I think this is for his pension only.

I just want to make it clear I'm not wanting to take any money from him, I'm not being greedy. I just want security for myself. I don't really care if I end up in a bed sit as long as it's secure, there's some sort of agreement in place or I own it with my own mortgage. It will be very tough to save for my own deposit if I'm contributing the rate of a rented 1 bed flat. I work compressed hours over 3 days (30 hours) I hate my current job and I'm looking for something else. Unfortunately due to a poor upbringing, and ongoing mental health issues I've not been able to have a 'career' I did try training as an OT but had to drop out after year 1, I was severely burned out and just couldn't manage. (I think I actually had a breakdown - I was prescribed AD's which made things worse).

He did say that getting a buy to let would be a good idea, I agree but I don't think I could deal with the complexities of this at the moment. I don't think I have enough for a deposit (I have approx 20k in savings).
Please be gentle 😅 he reads MN so will probably read this, I am only looking for opinions though. Thanks

Or the OP is looking to benefit from the current property to which she has contributed nothing and in the new property again having made no financial contribution! If she were to live alone then she would have rent, food etc to pay.

Op does he have any children / younger relatives that he would plan on leaving the property to?
You are in a very precarious finically position as if he got run over by a bus or met someone else tomorrow you would have no right to live in the property or to his assets .

It is also a concern that as your partner he is charging you the market rate which seems financially exploitative for a partner and not what someone in a loving relationship should do .

There are ways that he can seek to protect his assets that would give you some rights too .He is choosing not to do so and is treating you like a business deal i.e trying to maximise the profit for him .

I think the main difficulty is that you are shelling out a huge amount for housing and other expenses without any legal stability / rights to you . It also does not leave you with much to save yourself and perhaps as others have said get a mortgage yourself and buy a property .

I don't think he is really thinking of you and your vulnerabilities both in terms of your health and your finances .

It is not what I would want from someone in a long term relationship .

@JudgeJ That’s a bit unfair, she’s paid half the bills, she can’t contribute more as he doesn’t want her to have a vested interest. He doesn’t want to marry her. Why should she pay any more? He can’t have it all ways he wants.

But I bet you're not charging him £700 pcm and £400 pcm towards food/bills.

Sometimes!

He doesn't like it when I say ‘my house’ - which legally it is, even if it is our home.

He doesn't like it when I remind him that if he'd made different choices, he could have owned a house too ( he and his first wife had fabulous holidays with his kids, that I didn't have with mine).

We are both happier with the legal advice we have taken, including our wills. My exH put our family home on the market without me knowing - I came home to a for sale sign. I'm never going to put myself in that position again and can see why the OP’s DP is protecting his investment.

Since @LydiaLinus ’s dp has a life interest in her house the situations are uttterly different. She treats him as a real life partner, which OP’s “dp” does not.

I don’t think I’d be paying him £700 plus bills. Your relationship seems precarious with lots of arguments. Perhaps time to get your own place and just date him if you wish?

You won’t be any worse off (but he will be). Perhaps this will balance the power in the relationship?

He has a nice little plan of making £700 profit from you every month. It might shock him to realise you have the choice to not go along with this.

If you are a low earner, you may be able to claim universal credit to help with your bills? You might be better off in your own place?

good luck!

Pps are right. He’s protecting his own future and building his assets, which is fair enough, so you need to do the same.

He shouldn’t profit out of you but he shouldn’t lose either. So 50% of expenses is fair.

You should put the extra “rent/profit” into building your own future. Either in a buy to let (lenders won’t care so much about your age then because it’ll be the rent paying your mortgage, not the income) or in another high interest investment or pension.

A buy to let does make sense because when you are retired then you either have an income from that or you have a house to live in.
Depending on house prices you need to consider if you have a repayment buy to let or an interest only buy to let. One pays off the mortgage. One gives a greater income every month. Given your circumstances it would be prudent to use the rental income and your rent aspect that you are saving living in our partners house (that he’s currently trying to get you to pay to him), to pay off as much of the mortgage as quickly as you can in a repayment mortgage that allows over payments.

However you decide to save for your future, it’s not fair of him to make you pay rent to him. That should be going to secure your own future,

I do just want to make it clear that I'm not trying to con him out of any money, I'm not being 'greedy' or trying to take him to the 'cleaners' (as he's said in the past) I just want something I can say is mine, I don't care if it's a flat or a bed sit (I've even been looking at van conversions) for my future if the worst were to happen... or alternatively if I can't stretch to that, something (ideally in writing) that says I can live in the house after he dies.. surely it won't matter to him after he's dead (sorry to sound morbid). He has no other family apart from elderly parents .. no siblings or children.
If we split in the meantime then so be it, but I need to make sure I can keep saving to either get a mortgage or rent.

@LydiaLinus Sounds very different to op’s situation.

Hi
Not really a very satisfactory relationship !
You’ve been together for 9 years. I would want something more than a lodger agreement.
You say that you have savings. I think I’d be looking at Housing Association part buy/part rent. You need to have something more than a “lodger agreement “ in my opinion.
Actually, after 9 years, I would be insulted by this and I would be looking to end this relationship asap.
Hope you can sort some security for yourself. At your age you deserve more.
Look after yourself.

He doesn’t sound very nice. Why would he say that about taking him to the cleaners? It doesn’t sound like you can navigate a future with this man.

I think I answered my own question but I need to somehow talk to him about it without it turning into a massive row.

You're posts are very passive OP but it sounds like your partner might like keeping you vulnerable. What you describe is not a healthy relationship. You might find life is much better without him. Dig deep and start by investigating mortgage eligibility with your £20k deposit

I agree that £700 plus half of bills is too much.

But OP has had 9 years only paying £400, so has had plenty of time to save.

I also suspect this is a long way short of half of bills and food, so it might be that her partner is trying to redress the financial imbalance in terms of what he pays versus what she pays.

Have you thought about moving into a £700 a month flat @NamechangeForthisquestion1 ?
Might be nice to have your own space with a landlord and a tenancy agreement signed.
Dp seems very transactional and money grabbing. I am mystified as to why he wants £700 AND you paying your way. You seem to be part of his plans to fund his lifestyle.
He has given you a lot to think about.

@NamechangeForthisquestion1 So every discussion ends in a row? Sorry this is really upsetting to read, why would you stay? I get there’s an inertia when you’ve been low for a long time but where’s the joy?

I agree re the vulnerability. Post divorce I didn’t want to support or provide for anyone except my son and me, and didn’t want anyone to provide for us, so I chose a partner equally matched financially.

I’m inclined to think though OP has found this a fairly easy option, hence no compulsion to gain her independence and it’s only know as her partner starts forward planning financially given his age, she’d addressing it.

If he dies, what are his plans for the house? I don't get it. Fair enough if there's children, etc, but what would happen then, where would it go. Plus, if he's 10 years older, he's only 50.

A lifetime is a long time with the wrong person.

I obviously worry about the idea of being alone.. I get scared that I might have a MH crisis and have to deal with it on my own in an unfamiliar environment (sorry to say but that's the truth). I think I have been in crisis once before, but I somehow got through it.

Why would it turn into a row? its a reasonable topic with your partner.

This.

I'm not sure sticking around would be best for your mental health - but I'd look at options for moving somewhere and cost them up - if they are better no brainer move out but if not you may well be better off financially stopping but I would consider the mental toll.

If you were to pay market rate for a one bedroom to him, then for it to be fair you'd want a one bedroom flats worth of space to yourself. So one bedroom, one bathroom,one kitchen and one living room, just for you to use. Unless he's got a very large house with two kitchens you're basically getting ripped off. Will you even have any of your own personal space in the house that you are paying for?
Your relationship sounds like it has degenerated past the romantic sadly.

@NamechangeForthisquestion1 and how this man helping your mental health? Does he cherish you at all?

Stay then, but you are aware you have no security in this relationship. He can dump you, any time he likes and you be left with nothing.He gains from this, not you.