New house in DP's name only. Confused about future housing situation

[NamechangeForthisquestion1]

I'm just looking for some advice/opinions. Me and DP are not married. However we have been together for 9 years (we live in England). When I moved in, my name was not put on the mortgage, this didn't matter because it wasn't my property, we were also 'dating' at the time and I moved in as I was in a tricky situation housing wise so we decided to see how it went. Once I started working I paid around £400 per month, equating to around half the groceries and bills.

DP wants to move and sell the house. The mortgage has nearly been paid off. He is being gifted some £, so new house will effectively be paid for (once the current property sells.) there will be no mortgage. He has asked me to help out more financially, and mentioned a logder agreement, also asked me how much the rate is for private rent, which is around £700 in this area for a 1 bed flat, so he has given this figure + half bills and food as a rough idea for a contribution.

However I'm worried.. not sure if I should be? I just have a niggling feeling that if something should go wrong (either - he decides to split with me, Or he dies - he's 10 years older than myself). What happens to me. The house will go to any remaining family member or if there are none, to the government. He mentioned that if anything like that happened, worst case scenario is I could lodge elsewhere 😨 However he did say I'm on the will, I think this is for his pension only.

I just want to make it clear I'm not wanting to take any money from him, I'm not being greedy. I just want security for myself. I don't really care if I end up in a bed sit as long as it's secure, there's some sort of agreement in place or I own it with my own mortgage. It will be very tough to save for my own deposit if I'm contributing the rate of a rented 1 bed flat. I work compressed hours over 3 days (30 hours) I hate my current job and I'm looking for something else. Unfortunately due to a poor upbringing, and ongoing mental health issues I've not been able to have a 'career' I did try training as an OT but had to drop out after year 1, I was severely burned out and just couldn't manage. (I think I actually had a breakdown - I was prescribed AD's which made things worse).

He did say that getting a buy to let would be a good idea, I agree but I don't think I could deal with the complexities of this at the moment. I don't think I have enough for a deposit (I have approx 20k in savings).
Please be gentle 😅 he reads MN so will probably read this, I am only looking for opinions though. Thanks

@NamechangeForthisquestion1 is he older than you?

Your self-esteem sounds like it's through the floor. And I'm not sure how much this relationship is helping. You are with a man who sees the relationship as transactional. And you feel like you have nothing to offer in this transaction. A loving, healthy relationship doesn't leave you feeling like a spare part. I understand that you have mental health issues. But is it possible that the relationship is contributing to them and you might find more motivation to get out of your rut if you don't feel so worthless in the eyes of someone who is supposed to love you.

Can totally understand his position - if the gender roles were reversed, MN PPs would all be about not allowing a ‘cocklodger’ to have any claim on the property.

As it stands, you have no claim on the property (which you rightly acknowledge is as it should be) nor, as a result any security yourself - although I believe a lodger agreement would provide you with some protection in that he could not sell without notice/evict you without following the correct legal channels. I’d say your options are to move out, rent/buy so that you are in control or buy-to-let a small place if you can raise the deposit, so that you have a property investment of your own.

OP - with the greatest of respect, please don't use this man to try and unload your MH issues. Yes go and find a good counsellor. There are plenty out there!

With regards to the housing situation, I think you would be absolutely insane to move into a house with this man as his "lodger". Especially since you have £20k savings!

If you don't want to commit to buying a house yourself (which I understand) then please look at renting privately. You can probably afford to pay several months upfront which many landlords would appreciate. And at least you hold tenancy rights.

Whatever money you put into "DP"s property, you will lose as you have no legal rights to any of it if you're not married, not named on the house and don't have kids.

@DoreenonTill8 not considerable but I do have some. I 'wasted' a couple of years attempting to retrain which didn't work out. I can't afford to try that again. I have always worked in low skilled roles as I can't handle anything else, and I'm not qualified for anything else.

@Gibafvk he's 50, I'm 40..

OP, you need to end this. Don't move into his new house. Rent a place on your own and start working towards buying a small place.

This man is not a partner. He is just looking for a lodger with benefits.

@CautiousLurker She’s said trying to navigate the situation and said she’s not interested in his money or house.

Its reasonable to split living expenses but if there is no mortgage why is he trying to profit from you living there?

Is this man your future? Because it doesn’t feel like it. If he is, you need to sit down and have a proper conversation, including financial.

If you’re going to pay rent, you should have a proper tenancy agreement with appropriate protections for both of you. Because £700 is rent, not a contribution.

I assume from one of your posts you have no parents? Are you quite isolated? What do your family think of all this?

If you’re paying him “rent” (not counting your half of the bills which is fair and reasonable) then you need a formal agreement with him. Otherwise, he could end the relationship one day and what if you’ve paid upfront for that month? What rights do you have, any notice period? All things to consider.
Your financial situation sounds vulnerable.

Well, he has it all and you have nothing.

Sorry, but women need to be smarter than this. Your best bet, is to encourage him to put your name on the deeds or marry you. You should have done this years ago...when you had more power in the relationship.

It’s not even just financial it just sounds like living in limbo with a power imbalance op.

I missed that bit!

So he wants you to give him 700 a month to live with him? Plus half the bills and expenses on top?

Come on, OP, you can do better than that.

If she’s paying him rent though and he doesn’t have any mortgage to pay, he’s making money. That’s fine if they both agree but she needs a formal agreement in place.

He doesn't see you as his equal and never will. Why are you willing to accept that?

Dont marry him just get away from him. He sounds boring and you sound depressed.

I'm reading this and thinking this is me.

Not married, house is mine and paid off, DP pays an amount towards bills. He knows if we split he would have to house himself.

Legally we have wills written, with a life long interest in the house, it is his home. It would transfer to my DC’s on his death should he survive me.

I think this is about communication and legal advice.

I certainly don't think I am a ‘c*nt’ @AlienShmalien

He's about to become mortgage free and wants to almost double your monthly payments to him under a lodger agreement at the same time? Stop feathering his nest and get your own.

I just want security for myself. I don't really care if I end up in a bed sit as long as it's secure, there's some sort of agreement in place or I own it with my own mortgage.

Make an appointment with a morgage advisor and find out how you can get your bedsit now. If you spend another 9 years like this you will be selling yourself massively short. Set yourself up so you're not dependent on him, he could pull the plug at any moment.

@Gibafvk I'm all but estranged from my Dad, he didn't want much to do with me after my mum died when I was young. I have no other family. They all decided they wanted nothing to do with me following my mother's death. I acknowledge I have low self esteem but I'm angry about this. Another reason I need a counsellor.. I can't deal with the anger about the family situation by myself.

What?! He GIVES her £10k to live rent free in his home? £400 a month is no where near even 50% of electricity/gas, council tax, TV licence, food I'd assume!

I think you should go and see a solicitor and get advice how's best to protect yourself. You could be In a really tricky situation if he ended this relationship

He's not your DP. He's your landlord. As such I don't see that you have any benefit staying where you are.

If I were you I'd be looking for a small place to rent on my own.

OP, he isn't behaving like a partner . He is taking advantage of you to feather his nest. Dump him and move into a house share.

BTW I don't think he's done anything wrong up until the point of asking for more rent. You don't have shared children, why should he marry you. And hand over his assets when you have nothing

But he shouldn't be making money off you. Charging market rent for what's not even a one bed flat but also expecting to nore behave like a landlord